Thoughts, Epiphanies, Insights, & Quotables
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My husband loves Cadbury eggs….I think he would eat them specks and all!….
I wish my weight loss would spur my daughter to lose weight….she is extremely overweight and has numerous joint issues….I know she watches what I eat and she has seen how much I have struggled but it just doesn’t register….nagging does no good at all….to watch her as an athlete in her teens and the change now breaks my heart….our son is 6’8” and is very health conscious….he is athletic, ice skates on a hockey team and hikes….3 -
Can you compost chocolate and fondant?
Or is the food compost bin your stomach?
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I agree - separate them when they arrive.
I had a friend recently share his new theory on "best stuff:"
Eat the best stuff in your fridge/pantry first - that way what used to be 2nd best is now best - so you always get to eat the best.
I like that theory.2 -
I always eat the best thing on my plate first. That way, if I’m too full to finish I’ll at least have enjoyed the best bit. If you save the best bit until last it can encourage you to eat past your natural satiation point just so you don’t miss out on the best bit.4
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I eat one thing at a time and nothing touches lol2
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Connie, I’m sure your daughter is very aware of her weight problems. All of us who are overweight are painfully aware but nothing happens until we’re ready. People, including doctors, telling me that I was fat just annoyed me. Having family bring up weight made me feel unloved and worthless. Mercifully hubby was kind and loving no matter what I weighed. It wasn’t until I was mentally ready to commit to changing that I was able to lose most of the weight and keep it off. I’ve got a way to go but I think I’ll be able to at least stay where I am long term.
Wholeheartedly love and support your daughter as she is now. Someday she may surprise you with what she’s learned from you.3 -
I'm not sure why - but I didn't see your post until now, Connie. But I so agree with Yooly. You are setting such a great example for your daughter - even during these crazy past few months when you have been challenged, but didn't throw in the towel. When she is ready, she will remember what you accomplished.
And on a lighter note - you eat one thing at a time - but your favourite first? Or do you save your favourite one thing to last?2 -
I think the food I choose to eat first is different every time…if it was ok I would only eat sweets,pizza and sandwiches!….I guess I usually save my meat for last but I don’t know why….
My daughter and I talk about her weight or going on a diet but I have stopped nagging her…her husband wants her to lose weight but he can be an *kitten* about it….my husband loves me unconditionally but was worried about my health….Amanda’s husband just goes about some things the wrong way and it makes her dig her heels in!2 -
@conniewilkins56 the absolutely best way to help your daughter is to continue to set her a positive example.
My super-slim mom (max weight 120lbs when 9 months pregnant with twin boys) nagged me and my two obese sisters constantly about our weight, and it didn't have any effect other than to make us miserable, destroy our confidence and self-esteem and make us feel self-disgusted, ugly and ashamed. For my eldest sister in particular, who internalised every critical comment, it's impacted her negatively her whole life (she's now 72, morbidly obese, and a self-hater to the core).
Admittedly mom's nagging was of the extreme, cruel variety as she believed in tough love - so she would say we sickened and disgusted her with our ugliness, and that she was ashamed that people knew we were her daughters. She'd say if we hadn't been born at home she'd think she'd been given the wrong babies in hospital, as otherwise it was unfathomable how she - a renowned beauty - could have produced such ugly fat girls. And she'd predict lives of loveless old-maidness for us, as she said no man would ever want us. This was the worst fate she could possibly imagine,
You'd think it would've made us sit up and take notice...it didn't work.
Mom said all this from love - warped love, but love nonetheless. She wanted us to have good, fulfilled, happy lives, and she feared our obesity would ruin our opportunities and make us unattractive and unloveable. Sadly, she hadn't the ability to see that happiness has its source in self-acceptance and self-esteem, and that undermining ours was doing untold (and in my sister's case irreparable) harm. Moreover, if you make someone feel worthless you pin a target on their back for every predator, exploiter and abuser out there...
Your living example of good choices, moderation, striving against obstacles, and respecting/nurturing/exercising your body will be a beacon of hope for your daughter, and will influence her much more than any nagging ever could (however well intended and kindly delivered).7 -
What Bella said!2
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Bella. Have you considered writing a book to support those striving to build their best bodies???? Your posts sometimes take my breath away. Today, you have me crying with the accuracy of this line:
Moreover, if you make someone feel worthless you pin a target on their back for every predator, exploiter and abuser out there...
You have found your way to a healthy space (it feels like that) and speaking from your heart/soul/experience brings an honesty and integrity to your words that I seldom find in anything remotely like a "self help" book - yet they are all about helping us to help ourselves.
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Bella, I agree with you completely…..my mother was a beautiful woman but dieted constantly as long as I can remember……my parents were married at 16 and 18…. I was born 3 years later and remained an only child for 16 years…my mom had one sister and my dad was an only child…in middle school I started gaining weight and buying clothes was awful as my mom was smaller than me….when I started high school their solution was getting me diet pills….my mom lived on Tab diet soda, Metracal diet cookies, and tuna…I was on diet pills all thru high school and did keep my weight down….I must have been higher than a kite most of the time…during college I got married the first time and the pounds all came back plus more….a baby and a nasty divorce all added more weight….met my husband and we both loved food and he loved me fat or thin…and now here we are!….I can remember as a pre teen eating until I was miserable and hiding snacks…..in my twenty’s my parents still tried to control my weight….they would bribe me with money,clothes or trips to get me to lose weight….sometimes I did and sometimes I didn’t….they paid for me to go to Weight Watchers and diet doctors…..in my 30s I discovered Phen Phen diet pills about the time daughter started swimming….( I lost 122 pounds on Phen Phen pills )…she was 8 and chubby….her coach told her she was too good of a swimmer to be overweight….we worked out a meal plan and that little girl lost 22 pounds in a year….she blossomed into a beautiful athletic confident young woman….somewhere between college, babies, and marriage she gained a LOT of weight…. She has watched me lose and gain weight her entire life….she has seen me struggle with back surgery, knees replaced, etc and her dad has diabetes and RA….I know she knows she needs to lose weight but she just ignores it….sometimes she talks about it but mostly is very defiant and angry about her size…she is intelligent and a great teacher….but I do know she constantly observes me losing weight….I hope she comes to her senses soon….all I can do is be here for her and give her a soft place to fall…I really do not nag anymore but i have also tried to bribe her, etc in the past….my husband tells me to just leave her alone and hopefully she will find her way….I hope it is soon!3
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It seems that as soon as restricted eating is introduced into a child's life, they are set up for weight problems the rest of their life. I know there are other starting points - but dieting/in any way making a child conscious of the fact they must eat less - seems to set up some patterns that never go away. I too was a chubby child (not terrible now that I look back at old photos) and those early diets, when I was in the single digits, just set me up for a lifetime of rollercoaster weight. Seems the mental health people are starting to research this more now and maybe, in time, that will end? Or not? Maybe those of us prone to being overweight were encouraged to diet just because we were overweight and wired to be overweight and that is why we battle for our lifetime?
It is a hard seat to live in that rollercoaster, and freaking impossible to do anything "for certain right" with our children's weight issues other than to love them with all our hearts and make sure they feel our love, not our judgement of excess weight. As someone who battles weight, I have a strong inclination to dislike "fat" - not the people with fat but the "fat" and all that comes with it. Can't help but think that such a strong disdain/dislike might be received in a hurtful way though. But it is hard to overlook something that I despise so much in my self (most of the time).2 -
My mother was far from thin but not severely overweight. However her cultural background saw only one future for girls. Be thin, pretty, and subservient so you can marry a quality man. Her disappointment and disapproval started when I was a chubby 7 year old. My older and younger sisters were pretty, thin and obviously better. Much to her surprise I had a successful career, married a very quality man, and was happy despite the weight. I ended up being her caretaker for many years.
Funny thing. Although I learned to mostly live with/ignore moms disapproval, I could not maintain weight loss until she passed away.5 -
Thank you Laurie - what a kind thing to say!
My observation is that damaged mothers in turn produce damaged daughters - somehow our generation has to be the one that breaks the cycle and teaches girls that they're wonderful, amazing and awesome exactly as they are, and that they owe it to themselves to achieve their full potential and follow their dreams without self-imposed or culturally-imposed limitation or constraint.3 -
My mother came by her damage honestly. She was the eldest of nine desperately poor in a village in Silesia. Then the war came and displacement, immigration, widowed at 43. I have forgiven and accepted that she did the best she could. We were just miles apart. But the weight disapproval cut deeply in childhood and well beyond.1
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Observations above are incredibly interesting and salient though I don't think that they extend only to girls. Admittedly, intense pre-occupation with weight specifically seems to have been relatively more prevalent among females in the recent media and advertising fueled past. Laurie's observation about starting a cycle of weight loss at an early age is, I think, incredibly relevant! And the non obese younger pictures of me I look at, at times I believed myself to be obese and a lost cause, are something that resonates when I see people posting about (relatively small) weight loss attempts at younger ages.
One thing I would bring forth is that parental attitude and examples of success or failure in managing weight AND HOW THE PARENT REACTS to the success or failure is also a component of what is being watched.
Part of my reluctance to even try and manage my weight in adulthood stemmed from watching my dad's many long term unsuccessful attempts (and more importantly FRUSTRATION and UNHAPINESS with *having to try and do this*) with managing his own weight. Which led me to internalize even more the: "why try since I know I will fail". Which, of course, was reinforced by my many classic and clumsy weight loss attempts which all boiled down to: exercise as much as I can while eating the least amount I can till it all blows up and I fail, again, and regain, again.
Unfortunately as @Yoolypr and @Bella_Figura both indicate, it takes a long time before many of us will become able to distance (or insulate ourselves) enough from (family, work, life) environments that include salient negatives amongst the many positives they may contribute to our lives.2 -
My mother came by her damage honestly. She was the eldest of nine desperately poor in a village in Silesia. Then the war came and displacement, immigration, widowed at 43. I have forgiven and accepted that she did the best she could. We were just miles apart. But the weight disapproval cut deeply in childhood and well beyond.
I think most parents want to be good parents….they don’t set out to destroy their offspring….my maternal grandfather was an abusive alcoholic who put “ the fear of God in his girls with switches and verbal abuse”… and yet my mom and her sister loved him…..he had been raised by an abusive step father with 6 other siblings….I walked a wide step around my grampa knowing what my mom had grown up with….and then my dads family had doted on him as a child and adult….his parents were soft spoken and well read….ha!….my parents were a match made in Heaven and adored each other….it was not a surprise that I was left to entertain myself with my imagination and food….my paternal grandparents spoiled and indulged me and my mom was so overwhelmed trying to be an adult that she gave me whatever I wanted to keep me occupied….surprisingly I turned out to be pretty ok….I always told my two kids that they probably grew up in one of the most normal families of anyone they knew!….we all grew up in dysfunctional families!….compared to my husbands childhood, my life was a picnic!3 -
And I’m sure our children will tell horror stories about us too. For the most part we try to do our best with the tools we were given. I surely hope I’ve done better and tried harder as a parent.3
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Me, too!3
