Your preferred date night...?
Replies
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Honestly, cut the BS. If you met a woman you really liked and she said "I can't do Wednesday, what about next week?" would you say to her "Nope, sorry, that was your only shot?" Get serious. This is just as much about HIS lack of interest as hers.
I think this is a perfect example of the power and control thing I was talking about. My experience is that if a woman says no to a date on Wednesday but maybe next week, when you call for something next week it goes to voicemail and is never returned. It's generally woman code for I don't want to go out with you but I don't have the guts to say so. Instead, I'll string you along until you get the hint. Here you are saying that if he doesn't call back, it just shows that he wasn't really interested. He should have done more. He failed in his active pursuit while all you did was sit back and evaluate his efforts.
In this example aren't both the guy and girl doing the same thing in not contacting the other party to show they are not interested?0 -
No. The guy asked the girl out. She came up with an excuse not to go out and left it up to him to make an additional effort for a date.0
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No. The guy asked the girl out. She came up with an excuse not to go out and left it up to him to make an additional effort for a date.
But the end result is the same and both are just poofing. In either case if they were interested with the other they wouldn't have poofed.0 -
The guy was interested enough to get up the nerve top ask her out. She came up with an excuse. She expects him to keep pursuing. Maybe he will maybe he won't. I think most women have used a similar excuse to blow off a guy and I think most guys have experienced a brush off with a similar excuse. It's disingenuous to say that if the guy was interested enough he would have tried harder. If the girl was interested she could have called the guy to set up a date next week. He already showed he was interested. Instead most women would prefer to take a passive role and keep the onus on the guy while the woman just has to evaluate whether he put forth enough effort to satisfy her.0
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Hey Anna,
She claimed her whole week was booked and suggested a 1-2 week wait. Even if I saw her next weekend, that's still almost 2 weeks to get on someone's schedule for just a first date. I just find that to be a long lag. And if that takes that long to get a first date, how could I possibly expect to get integrated into her life? So that's why I interpreted lack of interest. I was going to call her out on her little game, but instead decided to go with the delete button.
Also, I suspect that she is older than I am too, and I'm more interested in younger women.
Here's what I think happened...
I think you asked her out for a Wednesday night, she suggest a Friday or Saturday the following weekend, or even the next weekend, and you said no based on your guidelines.
Then you got upset when she said if it was going to be a week night that it'd be 1-2 weeks, in which case, she could have been the perfect girl for you and you're out a date w/ her because of a Fri/Sat night rule.
Am I close?0 -
This is getting blown way out of proportion - there seem to be a LOT of assumptions going on too.
What we know is he asked her out, she said that she would be unable to for another week or two. I can understand that, when I was training for my half marathon the week before the race I was completely unavailable. If the two were talking back and forth I'd say there's not really an immediate need to set up another time suggestion immediately - however at that point the ball is in her court. If she came back a week later and said "PHEW! Glad that's done, want to meet up tomorrow for dinner?" Then it's not a big deal is it? Yes, sometimes this is a tactic for someone that doesn't have the guts to just say "I'm not interested" but to just assume doesn't really get anyone anywhere.
Sometimes you don't know right away what day is going to be available. On that note, if you don't want to be with a girl that's so busy you might have to wait a week, that is completely and totally fair. If you want someone that has the time to be more spontaneous and flexible then yeah, this girl is not for you. Still - no one is in the wrong, it's just not a match. Assuming interest or disinterest or she's stringing him along or he's not doing enough is coming to these really definitive conclusions based on practically no information.
Finally, DM, it IS completely hypocritical of you to say that you have no problem pretending to be busy when you're not because you want the girl to think you're some playa pimp (I might be paraphrasing), but the moment a girl is busy you delete her number. I've seen this brought up a couple times and you've completely dismissed it. Is there a reason it's okay for you to have a life but not her?0 -
So no woman deserves the benefit of the doubt just because your general experience has been that if a woman says "maybe next week," she ends up never returning your calls?
Maybe the woman in DM's story really was busy. I've made a date with a guy a month in advance because we were both incredibly busy with work and personal commitments (real personal commitments, like weddings, family events, trips with friends, etc., not just "well, I'm going out drinking with my friends for the 10th time this month"). We both liked each other enough to wait instead of just writing each other off because our immediate schedules didn't work out. And it actually made me more excited to see him.
I guess it is asking a lot these days to expect a guy to treat me like I'm not some random chick he met in a bar who may or may not be worth any special effort. In the world of online dating, I'm sure there are a lot more duds for most people, and I can see how one might become jaded. Then again, maybe I'm just an optimist and prefer to hope for the best than to operate on assumptions of the worst.
But let it not be said that I don't make an effort for a man who makes an effort for me. The one I mentioned in an earlier post ... I've asked him out twice. I've done the planning and the arranging and the paying. I've made it clear how much I appreciate what he has done and continues to do for me. That's probably a major part of the reason he doesn't mind going out of his way for me.0 -
I'm sorry but if I asked someone out and they said they couldn't meet up with me for like 2 weeks and didn't really give a reason I would be gone too. I don't really want to date someone who's never available anyway. And apparently women like guys to pursue them, but isn't it pathetic and a little creepy for guys to wait around for weeks to go out on a date with someone they barely know and shows little signs of interest? You have to understand that most women would rather just lead you on for weeks than tell you they're not interested. How are we supposed to tell the difference?
Also, everybody has different tastes. Someone who may be viewed as highly prized to someone may not be viewed that way to someone else. And if you don't think the person you're dating is highly prized than you probably shouldn't be dating them anyway.0 -
No. The guy asked the girl out. She came up with an excuse not to go out and left it up to him to make an additional effort for a date.
How do you know it was an excuse? I mean, seriously, you're making assumptions. And you know what they say when you assume...?0 -
The guy was interested enough to get up the nerve top ask her out. She came up with an excuse. She expects him to keep pursuing. Maybe he will maybe he won't. I think most women have used a similar excuse to blow off a guy and I think most guys have experienced a brush off with a similar excuse. It's disingenuous to say that if the guy was interested enough he would have tried harder. If the girl was interested she could have called the guy to set up a date next week. He already showed he was interested. Instead most women would prefer to take a passive role and keep the onus on the guy while the woman just has to evaluate whether he put forth enough effort to satisfy her.
Think of it like this...
In the animal kingdom, males fight for the females. They show why they're deserving of her as a mate. There are no rules about singing your love song on Friday vs Tuesday, there is no "well maybe i'll play hard to get" you play hard to get and the other male gets the female. You do what you can do to show the female your attention in her.
We're really not that far off from the way animals pick a mate. It just so happens we're more likely to make it confusing and ridiculous.0 -
Is there a reason it's okay for you to have a life but not her?
He's gold and she's barley?0 -
How are we supposed to tell the difference?
You pay attention to the way she talks to you, the words she uses, the tones, etc. Anyone man is able to read any woman*.
* Yes, there will be that one case somewhere where this is incorrect.0 -
We're really not that far off from the way animals pick a mate. It just so happens we're more likely to make it confusing and ridiculous.
I've been saying this (in one form or another) for years! Hahaha0 -
You have to understand that most women would rather just lead you on for weeks than tell you they're not interested. How are we supposed to tell the difference?
There are guys that do the same thing- leading you on for weeks (several dates) and then just falling off the face of the earth. If I have no interest in you, we won't make it past the first date.0 -
I love tacos.0
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Here's what I think happened...
I think you asked her out for a Wednesday night, she suggest a Friday or Saturday the following weekend, or even the next weekend, and you said no based on your guidelines.
Then you got upset when she said if it was going to be a week night that it'd be 1-2 weeks, in which case, she could have been the perfect girl for you and you're out a date w/ her because of a Fri/Sat night rule.
Am I close?
No, not exactly. I asked her out Wednesday night. No counter suggestion was made. She said she was busy the entire week and it might have to wait 1-2 weeks. No specifics were given. I just felt like I was being dismissed without actually being dismissed.
If she had been real with me, and said that she was really busy, but could get together at a specific time (let's say for the sake of argument it was this upcoming Saturday), I probably would have been reasonable and accepted, provided that I didn't have firm plans. I have no problem moving around some vague plans. I'm usually going to give someone the benefit of the doubt if I see that they are making an effort. No effort was being made. It felt like a string along.0 -
I'm sorry but if I asked someone out and they said they couldn't meet up with me for like 2 weeks and didn't really give a reason I would be gone too. I don't really want to date someone who's never available anyway. And apparently women like guys to pursue them, but isn't it pathetic and a little creepy for guys to wait around for weeks to go out on a date with someone they barely know and shows little signs of interest? You have to understand that most women would rather just lead you on for weeks than tell you they're not interested. How are we supposed to tell the difference?
Also, everybody has different tastes. Someone who may be viewed as highly prized to someone may not be viewed that way to someone else. And if you don't think the person you're dating is highly prized than you probably shouldn't be dating them anyway.
If she shows little signs of interest, yes, you're absolutely right that it would be stupid to continue pursuing her. If I agreed to a date with a guy even one week out, I would be in contact with him in the meantime to assure him that I was excited about seeing him. If you're getting nothing at all from a person you're supposed to be going on a date with, I'd take that as a red flag.
But I also think if you're playing the "no first dates on Fridays or Saturdays" game, you have to expect scheduling conflicts. Just because someone doesn't have a job that forces them to work later into the evenings doesn't mean they don't have legitimate weeknight commitments. I don't usually have to work late, but this is the time of year when I am traveling a bit for work, so I'm out of town sometimes. I also have work-related social events that I have to attend at night on occasion. And every now and then, I might want to go see a movie or have dinner with a friend. I don't really owe someone I barely know any kind of explanation about my schedule. We're either willing to see each other at a mutually convenient time, or we aren't. I just find tons of irony in the idea that a guy who admits to pretending to be unavailable on weekends is so put off by a woman who may very well be giving him a taste of his own medicine.0 -
So no woman deserves the benefit of the doubt just because your general experience has been that if a woman says "maybe next week," she ends up never returning your calls?
Maybe the woman in DM's story really was busy. I've made a date with a guy a month in advance because we were both incredibly busy with work and personal commitments (real personal commitments, like weddings, family events, trips with friends, etc., not just "well, I'm going out drinking with my friends for the 10th time this month"). We both liked each other enough to wait instead of just writing each other off because our immediate schedules didn't work out. And it actually made me more excited to see him.
I guess it is asking a lot these days to expect a guy to treat me like I'm not some random chick he met in a bar who may or may not be worth any special effort. In the world of online dating, I'm sure there are a lot more duds for most people, and I can see how one might become jaded. Then again, maybe I'm just an optimist and prefer to hope for the best than to operate on assumptions of the worst.
But let it not be said that I don't make an effort for a man who makes an effort for me. The one I mentioned in an earlier post ... I've asked him out twice. I've done the planning and the arranging and the paying. I've made it clear how much I appreciate what he has done and continues to do for me. That's probably a major part of the reason he doesn't mind going out of his way for me.
I asked if any explanation was given for the delay and DM said no,that is as much as I can go by so saying "what if she were really busy" doesn`t apply,she could have told him that.0 -
Here's what I think happened...
I think you asked her out for a Wednesday night, she suggest a Friday or Saturday the following weekend, or even the next weekend, and you said no based on your guidelines.
Then you got upset when she said if it was going to be a week night that it'd be 1-2 weeks, in which case, she could have been the perfect girl for you and you're out a date w/ her because of a Fri/Sat night rule.
Am I close?
No, not exactly. I asked her out Wednesday night. No counter suggestion was made. She said she was busy the entire week and it might have to wait 1-2 weeks. No specifics were given. I just felt like I was being dismissed without actually being dismissed.
If she had been real with me, and said that she was really busy, but could get together at a specific time (let's say for the sake of argument it was this upcoming Saturday), I probably would have been reasonable and accepted, provided that I didn't have firm plans. I have no problem moving around some vague plans. I'm usually going to give someone the benefit of the doubt if I see that they are making an effort. No effort was being made. It felt like a string along.
Let's be honest, you weren't that interested anyway. Because if you were, you would have simply had to say "Okay, let me know when you are free" and leave it at that. Instead you delete her number, then play the victim card about how she's "playing games", games that you admittedly play yourself. If you had simply responded, giving her the benefit of the doubt, then you would have been not strung along and you wouldn't have to worry about planning something again in a week since that would now be her responsibility to either act on or ignore at no cost to you whatsoever.0 -
Let me refer back to past posts in here... If someone is interested they will make the effort to see you. She obviously isn't interested... she can't find an hour or two in her schedule in a two week span??? I bet she spends 10 hours in that same span looking at facebook and pinterest... Give me a break, I'd move on and not even think twice.0
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How do you know it was an excuse? I mean, seriously, you're making assumptions. And you know what they say when you assume...?
If you prefer reason instead of excuse knock yourself out. It doesn't change anything.The guy was interested enough to get up the nerve top ask her out. She came up with an excuse. She expects him to keep pursuing. Maybe he will maybe he won't. I think most women have used a similar excuse to blow off a guy and I think most guys have experienced a brush off with a similar excuse. It's disingenuous to say that if the guy was interested enough he would have tried harder. If the girl was interested she could have called the guy to set up a date next week. He already showed he was interested. Instead most women would prefer to take a passive role and keep the onus on the guy while the woman just has to evaluate whether he put forth enough effort to satisfy her.
Think of it like this...
In the animal kingdom, males fight for the females. They show why they're deserving of her as a mate. There are no rules about singing your love song on Friday vs Tuesday, there is no "well maybe i'll play hard to get" you play hard to get and the other male gets the female. You do what you can do to show the female your attention in her.
We're really not that far off from the way animals pick a mate. It just so happens we're more likely to make it confusing and ridiculous.
If you want to justify behavior based on lower being animals then consider that in many species males come around for mating only and leave once mating season is over. Also, often times which male mates is determined by brute force. The strongest male mates with numerous females and the weaker males get none of the females as the strongest male ran them off or killed them. Even in species with higher levels of intelligence like dolphins, there are traits that would be despicable by human-standards. It is not uncommon for male dolphins to kill the young because the young interfere with the time females have available for sex.0 -
Let me refer back to past posts in here... If someone is interested they will make the effort to see you. She obviously isn't interested... she can't find an hour or two in her schedule in a two week span??? I bet she spends 10 hours in that same span looking at facebook and pinterest... Give me a break, I'd move on and not even think twice.
Get real, it is not just an hour or two for a date. You aren't considering prep or driving time. Realistically a date is a 3-4 hour investment - on the LOW side. Some weeks really DO get so busy that it's really no feasible to try and force in a rushed date, instead of waiting a week or two for when things can actually be, I don't know, ENJOYED?0 -
For me, I prefer Tues,Wed, or Thursday. It's less pressure and I can always mention I have to work early the next morning in case I'm not feeling it and want to cut the date short (hey, it happens!).
If it goes well, then I am all for having the next date on a weekend night
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Well to me it didn't sound like DM was even given the option of hanging out on a weekend, but maybe I missed that part.But I also think if you're playing the "no first dates on Fridays or Saturdays" game, you have to expect scheduling conflicts. Just because someone doesn't have a job that forces them to work later into the evenings doesn't mean they don't have legitimate weeknight commitments. I don't usually have to work late, but this is the time of year when I am traveling a bit for work, so I'm out of town sometimes. I also have work-related social events that I have to attend at night on occasion. And every now and then, I might want to go see a movie or have dinner with a friend. I don't really owe someone I barely know any kind of explanation about my schedule. We're either willing to see each other at a mutually convenient time, or we aren't. I just find tons of irony in the idea that a guy who admits to pretending to be unavailable on weekends is so put off by a woman who may very well be giving him a taste of his own medicine.
And you say you don't owe someone you barely know an explanation about your schedule, yet you also say you don't want to be treated like some random girl someone met at a bar. Wasn't that exactly what she was though? This is sort of a double standard. If you don't give someone any explanation it's like saying you don't want to hang out, but you can't think of a good excuse right now. To me treating someone decently would entail communicating with them why you can't hang out for two weeks and explain that you really do want to. If they didn't do that I wouldn't be too confused as to why they're not returning my phone calls.0 -
So no woman deserves the benefit of the doubt just because your general experience has been that if a woman says "maybe next week," she ends up never returning your calls?
I'm saying I made an effort. If she as so vague as to say "next week" with no specifics, she knows how to find me if she really is interested. I won't be waiting patiently by the phone wondering when or if she is going to call me though.0 -
let the other person do all the worrying the strategizing, the what if scenarios, let the does he like me thoughts consume their minds
my strategy, who gives a ****? i've taken the selfish route to dating. I do what I want and if they don't like it oh well. next.
if they tell me they don't want to see me on a weekend after a few dates or if i'm dealing with a once a week bull**** then i tell them i don't want to see them anymore. put them on the defensive and if they walk then their intentions are known.
but in relation to the original post, doesn't matter what night really, just have an exit strategy.0 -
Let me refer back to past posts in here... If someone is interested they will make the effort to see you. She obviously isn't interested... she can't find an hour or two in her schedule in a two week span??? I bet she spends 10 hours in that same span looking at facebook and pinterest... Give me a break, I'd move on and not even think twice.
Get real, it is not just an hour or two for a date. You aren't considering prep or driving time. Realistically a date is a 3-4 hour investment - on the LOW side. Some weeks really DO get so busy that it's really no feasible to try and force in a rushed date, instead of waiting a week or two for when things can actually be, I don't know, ENJOYED?
BS... She could still find the time if she really wanted to. If a girl came up to me and I was really interested I would give her a reason or offer even the 1 hour I might have in my schedule... Dude would be a fool to put his life on hold for someone that gives him nothing more than maybe in a few weeks and no reason... sounds like a b*tch at most.0 -
So no woman deserves the benefit of the doubt just because your general experience has been that if a woman says "maybe next week," she ends up never returning your calls?
Maybe the woman in DM's story really was busy. I've made a date with a guy a month in advance because we were both incredibly busy with work and personal commitments (real personal commitments, like weddings, family events, trips with friends, etc., not just "well, I'm going out drinking with my friends for the 10th time this month"). We both liked each other enough to wait instead of just writing each other off because our immediate schedules didn't work out. And it actually made me more excited to see him.
I guess it is asking a lot these days to expect a guy to treat me like I'm not some random chick he met in a bar who may or may not be worth any special effort. In the world of online dating, I'm sure there are a lot more duds for most people, and I can see how one might become jaded. Then again, maybe I'm just an optimist and prefer to hope for the best than to operate on assumptions of the worst.
But let it not be said that I don't make an effort for a man who makes an effort for me. The one I mentioned in an earlier post ... I've asked him out twice. I've done the planning and the arranging and the paying. I've made it clear how much I appreciate what he has done and continues to do for me. That's probably a major part of the reason he doesn't mind going out of his way for me.
I asked if any explanation was given for the delay and DM said no,that is as much as I can go by so saying "what if she were really busy" doesn`t apply,she could have told him that.
Well, again she doesn't really owe him an explanation beyond "I can't do it on that night." Personally, if I like a guy, I'm going to say "I can't do it on that night because I have a work commitment," so he doesn't just think I"m blowing him off. But I have had guys tell me that it sounds like I'm making an excuse and that I should just say "I'm busy that night, but what about another night?"
Unless she was just a completely weak individual who can't say no to anything, I find it hard to believe that she gave him her number with no intention of ever going out with him.0 -
How do you know it was an excuse? I mean, seriously, you're making assumptions. And you know what they say when you assume...?
If you prefer reason instead of excuse knock yourself out. It doesn't change anything.The guy was interested enough to get up the nerve top ask her out. She came up with an excuse. She expects him to keep pursuing. Maybe he will maybe he won't. I think most women have used a similar excuse to blow off a guy and I think most guys have experienced a brush off with a similar excuse. It's disingenuous to say that if the guy was interested enough he would have tried harder. If the girl was interested she could have called the guy to set up a date next week. He already showed he was interested. Instead most women would prefer to take a passive role and keep the onus on the guy while the woman just has to evaluate whether he put forth enough effort to satisfy her.
Think of it like this...
In the animal kingdom, males fight for the females. They show why they're deserving of her as a mate. There are no rules about singing your love song on Friday vs Tuesday, there is no "well maybe i'll play hard to get" you play hard to get and the other male gets the female. You do what you can do to show the female your attention in her.
We're really not that far off from the way animals pick a mate. It just so happens we're more likely to make it confusing and ridiculous.
If you want to justify behavior based on lower being animals then consider that in many species males come around for mating only and leave once mating season is over. Also, often times which male mates is determined by brute force. The strongest male mates with numerous females and the weaker males get none of the females as the strongest male ran them off or killed them. Even in species with higher levels of intelligence like dolphins, there are traits that would be despicable by human-standards. It is not uncommon for male dolphins to kill the young because the young interfere with the time females have available for sex.
I have a serious issue with your usage of the term "lower being animals" but this isn't what the thread is about.
That isn't a reference to cultural differences in what animals do what. The point is that it can be as easy as: you like someone, they like you, you have sex (eventually). It's pretty basic. It doesn't make us "higher being animals" because we pretend to be busy on Saturday (wow, look how evolved we are).0 -
I also love Tacos.. That being said I think date night can be any night I am not working until after 8pm.. Simply put.
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This discussion has been closed.