Sexual Chemistry...
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Sex is great, it's healthy, it's natural, it's fun. Go for it! I'm no prude, believe me. But I don't want to have sex with a woman in the beginning when I think the relationship can develop into something quite serious. Sure, if it's just about having some short term fun, and we're both honest to each other about that, go to bed immediately. Why not?
Also, the sex is 10x better when you have strong feelings for the person. Otherwise, as was noted, you are just "getting off." That's fine, but seems like a poor substitute for a much better experience.
--Prahasaurus
Agreed, sex is MUCH better when there's an emotional bond. I dont have any reason to sleep with a stranger other than if I'm cold and scared of the dark!! :laugh:
But as I've got older I find the act of sex less precious than I once did, so I have no idea why you cant have sex AND develop a relationship simultaneously?? Why does one preclude the other?
So, would you mind explaining to me why a woman is less suited for a long term relationship if she finds you physically attractive enough to want you sexually earlier on? I Do get (or accept) the disrespect you men can feel for a woman if she' gives it up' on the first night, although I still find this utterly hypocritical and archaic in this day and age...................(another subject...lol)
But ONS aside, where is the sense in waiting? Particularly for those of us that have been there, dont it! I mean, people of a certain age/experience........... :flowerforyou:0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.0 -
So, would you mind explaining to me why a woman is less suited for a long term relationship if she finds you physically attractive enough to want you sexually earlier on? I Do get (or accept) the disrespect you men can feel for a woman if she' gives it up' on the first night, although I still find this utterly hypocritical and archaic in this day and age...................(another subject...lol)
I didn't say that. I would hope she finds me physically attractive enough to want to sleep with me. It's just highly unlikely that we will sleep together on the first date, if I believe this can turn into a long term relationship. Simply because I won't try to sleep with her. It would complicate things too early.
As I've said, great sex is not in the top 5 things I'm looking for in a long term partner. I'm fairly confident the sex will be great, quite frankly (your mileage may vary here). What I'm more worried about is whether we can be best friends, if she is funny, a bit sarcastic, witty, self-confident, nice, understanding, who compliments me, etc. In short, someone I will enjoy being around when the "new love" phase ends, as it always does. Having sex too soon can cloud my judgement there, as it changes things too quickly, and adds emotions that I perhaps can't process.
Also, I've already acknowledged the hypocrisy of the double standard that exists around women who sleep with men on first dates. Completely agree with you there.
--Prahasaurus0 -
So, would you mind explaining to me why a woman is less suited for a long term relationship if she finds you physically attractive enough to want you sexually earlier on? I Do get (or accept) the disrespect you men can feel for a woman if she' gives it up' on the first night, although I still find this utterly hypocritical and archaic in this day and age...................(another subject...lol)
I didn't say that. I would hope she finds me physically attractive enough to want to sleep with me. It's just highly unlikely that we will sleep together on the first date, if I believe this can turn into a long term relationship. Simply because I won't try to sleep with her. It would complicate things too early.
As I've said, great sex is not in the top 5 things I'm looking for in a long term partner. I'm fairly confident the sex will be great, quite frankly (your mileage may vary here). What I'm more worried about is whether we can be best friends, if she is funny, a bit sarcastic, witty, self-confident, nice, understanding, who compliments me, etc. In short, someone I will enjoy being around when the "new love" phase ends, as it always does. Having sex too soon can cloud my judgement there, as it changes things too quickly, and adds emotions that I perhaps can't process.
Also, I've already acknowledged the hypocrisy of the double standard that exists around women who sleep with men on first dates. Completely agree with you there.
--Prahasaurus
ok, cool. Clouding of judgement. I can live with that. I was just after a male perspective on this. I totally understand the need to get to know someone outside of sex. I just wasnt getting why sex would corrupt the 'getting to know you' bit :flowerforyou:
I think this might be different for women, which is why I asked. Perhaps, as our primary focus is the emotional/getting to know you bit and not the physical (as we've agreed on many discussions on here) then I can say that the sex just compliments the emotional part, rather than distracts from it?
I do think that men and women think differently about this. And it's good to learn each other's perspective. I wasnt having a dig at you :flowerforyou: I'm really just genuinely interested in everyone elses opinion, male and female :bigsmile:0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Oh, me too!!! I think they are both equally important. But the hypocrisy is that women get judged for giving it up too soon!! Plus we get judged for not giving it up at all!!! :laugh:
I dont judge a guy if he 'wants' to sleep with me on the first night though!!
Here lies the confusion :huh:0 -
I wasnt having a dig at you :flowerforyou: I'm really just genuinely interested in everyone elses opinion, male and female :bigsmile:
No worries. I didn't take it as a dig. But even if I did, I like that, anyway. So long as we're all civil, having a good debate is how we learn. At least if we're listening.
--Prahasaurus0 -
So, would you mind explaining to me why a woman is less suited for a long term relationship if she finds you physically attractive enough to want you sexually earlier on? I Do get (or accept) the disrespect you men can feel for a woman if she' gives it up' on the first night, although I still find this utterly hypocritical and archaic in this day and age...................(another subject...lol)
I didn't say that. I would hope she finds me physically attractive enough to want to sleep with me. It's just highly unlikely that we will sleep together on the first date, if I believe this can turn into a long term relationship. Simply because I won't try to sleep with her. It would complicate things too early.
ok, cool. Clouding of judgement. I can live with that.
Be not deceived. Clouding of judgement is (IMHO) a very valid reason not to sleep together on the first date. But let's be real here. Several guys here on this site said if they sleep together too soon it won't turn into a relationship. So, for an American gal, you just have to accept that no matter how hot the guy is, if you're looking for long term then you'd better not DTD on the first date. It's an American culture thing and 9 times out of 10 the guy who just got quick easy sex is subconsciously dismissing the idea of relationship, or, if he's thinking at all, "he's thinking she gave it up too soon, not the kind of girl to take home to momma." Yes it's a double standard and yes it stinks. But that's life. At least on this side of the pond.
OP was wondering if there was the possibility of more to what she intended as a quick fling while out of town. The guys are very honestly answering her question (thanks guys!).0 -
Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
^^^^^^^this
Plus for those ladies like myself with an oral fixation well its more than fun lol :blushing:0 -
I dont judge a guy if he 'wants' to sleep with me on the first night though!!I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
My philosophy is this.... If it makes you smile DO IT... If it doesn't DON'T... Life is too short to be worrying about what others think. I have an extremely high sex drive.. Possibly abnormally for a typical woman so sex is very important for me. The thing is it seems alot of guys can't wrap their head around having a girl who rocks their socks, but can also be their best friend. At least in my experience0 -
Probably TMI here but might as well be real about things.
I like giving a lady oral,it is my favorite thing and want her to enjoy it and climax from it.
99% of all ladies tend to feel the same way from experience and observation.
Guess what,I am a guy and like to receive too.
50% or less ladies seem to be agreeable to it.
Where does that leave us?
Count me in that 50%.
Seems pretty negligible to receive and not to reciprocate.
Plus it's FUN!
^^^^^^^this
Plus for those ladies like myself with an oral fixation well its more than fun lol :blushing:
Yes I am right their with you on this one ladies. I have an oral fixation... hahahaha0 -
Yep, be aware that this can change with time and experience though. I'm not saying that you will have sex with everyone though...For me, it is that sex is special and not something to be had with everyone like some people think. I would want a deep connection with someone before I became vulnerable in front of them in that way.
You say a lot of things that make me think, and this is one of them.
Sex IS special. If I have more of it, I won't change my opinion on it - I know that. Maybe it will less scary, but it will still be a huge deal to me. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. To me, sex isn't something you have to just get off - I can do that by myself when I want to.This is very well said, and I agree 100%. Sex changes things considerably for me. And I think that's a good thing. It should be something serious, it shouldn't be just a way to get off. Or, rather, when you are serious about forming a long-term relationship, you need to make sure you are ready, emotionally, before having sex.
Sex is great, it's healthy, it's natural, it's fun. Go for it! I'm no prude, believe me. But I don't want to have sex with a woman in the beginning when I think the relationship can develop into something quite serious. Sure, if it's just about having some short term fun, and we're both honest to each other about that, go to bed immediately. Why not?
I appreciate you saying this. It's good to know that not every guy is demanding of sex on the first dates and will dump you if they don't get it!
Some people have other needs that are more important to them than sex. Maybe not the people in this group, lol, but I know plenty of people (mostly women, admittedly) who are happy without sex. I'm sure they'd really enjoy a committed relationship that involves lots of hot sex (wouldn't we all??), but it's just not a priority for these ladies. I have one friend who suffered trauma in college, and her man knows there will be no sex with her. They're happy.
Agree with this.
If I truly loved someone, I'm sure we could go without sex. But go without feeling close to that person? Probably not. I think sex is somewhat important, but I think it is trumped by a lot of other things, and shouldn't be the main focus in any relationship.
As for your friend who can't have sex because of the trauma, that is a good guy. 0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Interesting too that except Anna no lady was willing to comment.0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Interesting too that except Anna no lady was willing to comment.
I was actually trying not to post to this thread anymore... however... that being said - Anna and I think a lot alike in this regard. I think a man's need for physical intimacy is wholeheartedly equal to a woman's need for emotional intimacy. In fact, when you feed a man's physical desires he in turn feeds your emotional needs.
I also feel it's a complete double standard for guys to judge women who feel that physical desire and decide to "give it up" (as someone put it) on the first date. I think with cell phones and online dating we're now going into the first date with this mental/emotional connection that we didn't have 30 years ago on first dates. We already know so much... we know if we can have good conversations and most of the time a lot about the person in general. It's almost like we fast-forward to date #5 or #6 and skip 1-4 with our technology "dating".0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Interesting too that except Anna no lady was willing to comment.
I was actually trying not to post to this thread anymore... however... that being said - Anna and I think a lot alike in this regard. I think a man's need for physical intimacy is wholeheartedly equal to a woman's need for emotional intimacy. In fact, when you feed a man's physical desires he in turn feeds your emotional needs.
I also feel it's a complete double standard for guys to judge women who feel that physical desire and decide to "give it up" (as someone put it) on the first date. I think with cell phones and online dating we're now going into the first date with this mental/emotional connection that we didn't have 30 years ago on first dates. We already know so much... we know if we can have good conversations and most of the time a lot about the person in general. It's almost like we fast-forward to date #5 or #6 and skip 1-4 with our technology "dating".
I agree and am not sure where this whole she can`t be respected for wanting sex attitude lies...I don`t have it but that is just me.
Am guessing it is more of a peer thing with other women.0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Interesting too that except Anna no lady was willing to comment.
The reason I didn't comment on that point is that I saw nowhere in this thread anyone was saying a woman's need for emotional intimacy was more important than a man's need for physical intimacy. I figured you ported it over from all the other similar threads that irritated you, lol, and just ignored the point.
But since we're on it... I wish more men would recognize that a woman's need for emotional intimacy is just as strong as theirs for physical intimacy. If anything, on this board, I hear a lot of women dogging out men for wanting sex ASAP and then poofing immediately afterward and a lot of men saying stop saying you want an emotional connection but then sleeping with us without one and getting mad about it.
If women understood a man's mind about sex, they'd have far less heartbreak. And (this is IMHO here) if more men understood the woman's mind about emotional intimacy, they'd have more (and better) sex.
I'm sure many women on this board are happy to read that there are at least two guys who wouldn't hold sex on the first date against them... but OTOH, there's many more guys who have said they wouldn't consider the girl relationship material (even ones who, in the past, have encouraged girls in this forum to loosen up). I hate the double standard, but I think it foolish to ignore the double standard just because it's not fair. It's like saying that it's not fair that Montgomery AL still has white doors and black doors in some establishments. They're not labeled, and it's not fair that I have to watch to see which door I should go in. It's not fair, but if I know what's best for me, I'll survey the business before going in. It's not fair that guys have this double standard, but American women who want a relationship would be wise to take note and behave accordingly.
So allow me to turn the tables a bit:
Why is it ok for the man to want sex by X number of dates (I think the common number here was 3-5) or he moves on, but it's NOT ok (according to most of the guys in this forum who have repeatedly told me I need to get with the times) for me to insist on developing an emotional connection before sex or *I'll* move on? Feels to me like I'm being told *my* need for emotional connection is less important than *his* need for sex.
Why can't both sexes just accept this general difference about each other and work with it??0 -
This whole thread is confusing and disheartening me. I've decided if I ever date again I'm skipping the whole emotional bit and going straight to the sex. Why don't we all do that and then everybody can be happy?
Oh, and Janie? You should move out of Alabama. It sounds like nobody there even deserves to get laid. Haha, oh wait, I have my location set to Alabama, don't I? Oh well, busted. I'm near there, but not quite. And anyway, I plan on moving out of this wretched place, too!0 -
You should move out of Alabama.
Don't live there anymore. hated, hated, hated living there. I just couldn't take the racism. One day, I got curious and since I was about to move, I asked the folks (all white except me) in my co-op about the local race issue. These older folks went OFF about "the blacks" this and "the blacks" that. About 20 minutes into it, I'm standing there feeling REALLY awkward wondering how I can get out of this gracefully and get back to work when the main instigator turns to me and says, "but don't worry JJ, you're not one of THEM." Everyone agreed with him. I think that was supposed to be a compliment.
Don't be disheartened about dating! I have a great time dating and meeting new people. It' fun! I love hearing their stories and differing viewpoints. I just keep in the back of my mind that I can't expect more than 2-3 dates from any particular guy because he likely won't accept waiting to have sex. I accept that (along with the possibility of being forever single) as a consequence of the lifestyle I choose to live. The good news is, Shreveport's a big enough town that I probably won't run out of new guys to go out with, lol!0 -
So allow me to turn the tables a bit:
Why is it ok for the man to want sex by X number of dates (I think the common number here was 3-5) or he moves on, but it's NOT ok (according to most of the guys in this forum who have repeatedly told me I need to get with the times) for me to insist on developing an emotional connection before sex or *I'll* move on? Feels to me like I'm being told *my* need for emotional connection is less important than *his* need for sex.
Why can't both sexes just accept this general difference about each other and work with it??
You summarized what I think into actual words!!
I'll reiterate my feelings: to me, sex is something special. Maybe others view it as not, but to me it is. If a guy thinks I'm a prude or whatever for having that feeling, then fine, I'd rather be alone than with his *kitten*!It's an American culture thing and 9 times out of 10 the guy who just got quick easy sex is subconsciously dismissing the idea of relationship, or, if he's thinking at all, "he's thinking she gave it up too soon, not the kind of girl to take home to momma." Yes it's a double standard and yes it stinks. But that's life. At least on this side of the pond.
My old roommate has been dating her boyfriend for a couple of years now, and I know they didn't have sex for a year into their relationship. He told me once that he could get sex from any girl if he wanted it, but he wants love and he found it with her, so he didn't care how long they waited to have sex. To me, it was the sweetest thing ever.
And honestly, at least for me, there isn't really a double standard - I think both men and women should wait for sex. Maybe in society women get judged more, but I judge them equally in my head. There is nothing wrong with liking sex, but for me, it is something you do when you are committed to someone. You can get yourself off, so it's not about getting off, it's about an emotional/physical connection with another human being you care deeply about. That is why I don't agree with casual sex.
But...I know the majority of people strongly disagree with me.0 -
Exactly.I refuse to accept that a mans desire for physical intimacy is flawed or not on an equal standing with a ladys desire for emotional intimacy.
And the fact that emotional intimacy is normally considered superior to physical intimacy is just a norm from our society.
Interesting too that except Anna no lady was willing to comment.
I was actually trying not to post to this thread anymore... however... that being said - Anna and I think a lot alike in this regard. I think a man's need for physical intimacy is wholeheartedly equal to a woman's need for emotional intimacy. In fact, when you feed a man's physical desires he in turn feeds your emotional needs.
The reason people aren't commenting is that yet again this is a thread where most (not all) people are painting each other as gender stereotypes and then using these to confirm their own worst fears about dating. Some interesting points are being made about gender differences but personally, I have no desire to comment on these if it means I will be seen as taking sides in a conflict which, at the end of the day, is likely to strehgthen unrealistic fears about what men/women are like. Also it's one of the few threads where single peeps have sniped at each other. This is usually a much friendlier place than on the main forums. These two things have everything to do with each other. Again, people are less likely to post if they feel they will not be listened to or their views will be misconstrued.
Besides, I got tired of saying I agree with Anna on every thread :laugh:0 -
These older folks went OFF about "the blacks" this and "the blacks" that. About 20 minutes into it, I'm standing there feeling REALLY awkward wondering how I can get out of this gracefully and get back to work when the main instigator turns to me and says, "but don't worry JJ, you're not one of THEM." Everyone agreed with him. I think that was supposed to be a compliment.
Ah, the south. Grew up in rural Virginia. Worked in North Carolina. Some very interesting stories to tell, even though those two southern states are relatively normal now ("relatively" being the key word). But Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina? Wow, just wow.0
