One year ago today I stepped on the scale and it read 299.6. For years I had been in the 281 - 287 range, but the last few months of 2020 I jumped up to my highest weight ever.
I have been overweight most of my adult life. In 2001 I followed the Atkins diet and lost 65 pounds getting down to 201 - 205 (never got back to the 100s). I maintained that for about 7 years and then slowly started putting it back on. By 2013 I hit the 280s and there I stayed, till I didn't.
So back to this day last year... I remember feeling lost, lonely and defeated. Scared that the next time I stepped on the scale the first number would change. For some reason I felt that if that happened, I would never come back from it. A little melodramatic for sure... but it was pretty overwhelming.
January 3rd I decided (a little late) to participate in Sober January. In the first week I lost 6.5 pounds. Clearly water weight but it made me smile. By February 1st I was back in my "zone" at 286 and as the month progressed, also back to drinking wine or beer almost every evening, snacking and not paying attention to what I was eating. I don't exactly know when it happened but somewhere between the end of February and the end of March I realized I felt a lot better in January when I wasn't having that nightly glass (or two) of wine or beer, so I cut way back... with that came better sleep, more energy and a lot less snacking. April 9th I stepped on the scale and for the first time in almost 9 years, my middle number dropped from an 8 to a 7. I weighed 279.8 and I was giddy... crazy happy! I closed out April at 272.8. My focus became on changing my middle number, and I have celebrated myself each time it's happened. Somewhere along the line I recognized that my relationship with food was changing for the better. For so many years I had tried hard to force it and failed over and over again. Alcohol played a huge role in this for me... having a glass of wine while making dinner? Of course I need to have cheese and crackers appetizer with it. Glass of wine after dinner? Oooohhhh... chocolate goes really well with that. Grab a beer while BBQing? Well then I need to have a handful of chips or pretzels too. You get the idea... Cutting back on drinking for me translated to cutting out a lot of mindless eating.
On August 20th I weighed in at 249.6... closer to 200 than 300. That felt really good. Some months have been better than others and honestly, I was worried about the holidays as it was during this time last year that I put on over 10 pounds. So when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 236.6 I felt great. I can't tell you how many times in my life I had said "If I had started trying to lose weight X number of weeks/months ago, I could have lost (insert crazy unrealistic number here) by now. So this morning I said to myself... "Apparently I can lose just over 60 pounds in a year."
Unfortunately, I really struggle with seeing the change. My clothes are smaller, I can finally wear an XL shirt (at least in some brands) and size 16 jeans... regular, not Womens... fit, tight, but they fit. But pictures? I don't see a difference. I still absolutely hate pictures of myself. AND... because I hate pictures, I avoid the camera so finding pictures of me from previous years to compare is difficult. I also am learning that I'm just as insecure about my appearance but now craving validation. I'm not liking this part of me and trying to figure out how to get the heck over it.
Anyway, I know this is a super long post so for those of you still reading along, thank you. And if you are still reading and asking yourself "Is there a point to all of this?"... Yes, there is a point. At least for me. I have always been afraid to talk about certain things. In some ways I'm terrified of criticism. In other ways, I'm worried that if I verbalize something good I will sabotage it or if I verbalize concerns about something negative, I will bring it to reality. So the point of this post is to face my fears and put it out there... for people to see my numbers to judge and criticize (at least in my mind) and also talk about the good things to learn that I CAN do that without ruining everything (again with the melodrama....).
In March I will be 53. My goal is to be in the 220s and take a picture on my birthday that I don't hate. Let's see how that goes...

Happy New Year everyone. May 2022 be amazing for us all.

Marni
Weight loss 12/31/20 - 12/31/21 = 63 pounds