The New Water Cooler
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The weekend was odd. Zach claimed he had been sick for several days (not sure how he got exposed to anything) and that was why he had locked himself in his room to keep us from getting it. Shrugging - I don't know anymore. I obviously don't know anything. He said he was spending the weekend working on all the job postings he hadn't gotten to while sick. Who knows.
I texted Bernie that I was getting tied to the one pycho that freaked me out the most and he just basically gave me the text version of a shrug. I remember each time Bernie would get to the point of being 'unhappy' in his jobs and everyone around him would pat him on the head and tell him he shouldn't have to put up with being unhappy. I guess because I don't expect my job to make me happy, but it would be nice to get some emotional support.
I sent Caleb a brief email telling him how worried I am because he hasn't talked to me and it seems every time I try to reach out he withdraws even more. And I just said if he can't talk to me then to let me find someone for him to talk to. Well, he did email me back today and I am going to have to take some time and digest it. There is a lot about how we don't understand what he is going through (true since he won't talk openly) and that he is scared to talk to me (wow really hurtful since I have always been open to listening and I thought without judgement obviously not) and that he sees no value in college because what he experienced was having to teach himself (even though we told him many times that going to such a large university was going to be exactly that sort of thing - they don't care about majority of students they have so many) - that we wouldn't understand because we loved college (I loved the freedom of college - I hated classes). That because we hate our jobs he doesn't want that for himself. So I have some thinking to do about to respond. I mean we hate the grind and pressure of adult life. The b.s. of certain aspects of every work place. There is no work experience that is all unicorns and rainbows. I am so invested in college because I thought he would find his passion there. Because I thought I was setting him up with fewer financial burdens to chase the fun and exciting aspects of college. It feels a lot like he is pointing out that because I worked hard to provide him with options and opportunities but there wasn't enough fun. That's really hard to hear. Super hard. You know I got entangled with Bernie early in my college years and then became convinced that having a boyfriend was what was missing all my life (being a fat kid all my life and no friends and definitely no boyfriend in high school you think that you are missing out), but just ended up with someone I had to take care of and then was just too stubborn to let all of his family treating me like crap 'win'. Then I felt responsible to keep taking care of him and suddenly there you are with a couple of kids and it's like ok I am going to give these kids what I didn't have and they are going to go on to great things. And I have one content to live in my basement and the other who thinks I have a terrible life and that he is going to do better by not going to school and doing I don't even know what. I didn't think I had a terrible life, I thought I was pouring everything into making my kids future great. So, wow, wrong, wrong and more wrong.
Overall, not a fun weekend.0 -
You are a good Mom! Kids can be brutal to parents and make us doubt ourselves. They can blame us because it is safe to do so knowing we love them. Z is in transition and life gets hard when it's time to get a job/career and finding that position can stink. I'm guessing he is discouraged but also needs time to mature and solve the problem himself. In the meantime maybe he should find any job to get money and fill his time and feel he has a purpose? C sounds like he doesn't know what he wants in life except fun right now. He needs time to mature and explore options. Would he ever consider a trade as a career if he doesn't want the 4 year university/college experience? You and your family are having some obstacles right now. Did you say you have talked to an online therapist? That may help to sort out some of your emotions since Bernie isn't receptive and your sister is dealing with her own stuff. You can always0
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Hit the wrong button... you can always vent to me but I'm not a professional and probably not qualified to be helpful. I'm sorry you have so much stress and worry.
PT tomorrow and dreading it. My leg was swollen today and I limped a lot. No progress that I can feel. Ugh!
I am not sure my incision is totally closed. So hard to tell if a pinprick sized hole still exists. Not sure yet about pool on Tuesday.0 -
does your surgeon think that everything is going ok with your healing? It seems so odd that this one is so much more problematic post-op. Hang on.
I reached out to Caitlin and she finally got back to me (more of the just forgot - which has been happening so much in the last year, which now makes me wonder if tied to the mass) - anyway - she said she liked the neurosurgeon she met with and her case will be worked on collaboratively with the entire neurosurgery dept at UNMC. They don't believe it is just a cyst (which would have been best case) They know it's a tumor just not sure what type. They have ordered more tests and then to meet again May to see how much it grows and then a plan will be put in place. So on one hand, I guess you get to try to pretend for three months, but still not like you are going to forget about it - and it has already really affected his vision (she is having trouble reading and driving) and having headaches - so waiting even three months sounds scary, but you have to trust.
It's so weird to hear Caleb say that because we hate our life that he doesn't want that for himself. It's actually quite similar to how I felt as a pre-teen/teen, but my mom would complain and rant to me about how terrible my dad was, how she dreaded him being home. I have never put the burden of relationship difficulties on my kids or said bad things about Bernie to them. I mean I never tried to hide ups and downs, but I thought there was more good than bad. There was also a line that said he wants time to spend and I am thinking I have never missed any of the kids activities, I had them in a nice variety of things to experience, the only we really didn't have was lots of large trips. There were small ones, but I guess not enough big trips? That really had more to do with money. And when the money worked out it was the timing of their stuff and ours and Covid of course.0 -
That will be hard for Caitlin and all of you to wait until May. How is she handling it? I bet your sister is a mess and very worried.
We do the best we can as parents and it is the most difficult job in the world to raise a human. Kids can criticize us and make judgments but until they are parents they really don't get it. It is normal for a young person to observe and decide how they want their life to be different. But life isn't all fun. Being an adult is hard and comes with a lot of responsibility. I do believe that having fun in your 20's, being a free spirit, do whatever makes you happy is ok. Plenty of time for adulting when a person settles down. I wish I had made the most of my 20's after I graduated college. If C doesn't do college or trade school, he will feel the impact on his ability to have a family, buy a house, a decent car, etc. Maybe he just needs to take the time to chill and figure out who he is.
David and Jeff experienced divorce when they were 3 and 1 years old. Their wives have told me that both have said that divorce is not an option and they need to work through marital issues. I have felt guilty my whole adult life about the divorce but I wasn't left with a choice when their Dad was a total *kitten*, found someone else and didn't want to keep our family together. The boys paid the price going back and forth, having anger issues, etc.
I am sure you are worried about both Z and C. They are at the age where you can't fix life for them. They have to do it and figure out their own challenges. You and Bernie just need to be there as sounding boards, emotional support and monetary support if they can't get by.
Hang in there!0 -
I think Caitlin is doing ok. She’s a tough cookie. But I’m sure it’s weighing on her. She is going to want to take care of everyone’s emotions. She is a nurturer.
The gal from work who had a brain aneurysm (sister of teammate) was declared brain dead last week and as an organ donor who hadn’t been through a trauma the family agreed to allow the hospital some extra time to get things sorted for her donation surgery. It has been hard to listen to Shaunda talk about what is happening but Luann is a hero and the family for going through with it. A lot of people have a chance at life. They did her hero walk last night and the surgeries were last night and today. Rest easy.
Bernie’s mom ran around and he still carries that nonsense and acts like I’m always about to go meet a boyfriend for a tryst. I had nothing to do with his past and have never done anything myself but I will always pay for his past.0 -
That info about Bernie's Mom explains him a little bit. He has major trust issues so doesn't allow himself to get close, express and solve issues, and be vulnerable. He would benefit from counseling but you have said he won't do it.
Caitlin sounds very resilient. I hope she allows herself to feel her emotions in private when others aren't watching. It must be scary for her.
I'm sorry about your coworker's sister. So tragic but donating her healthy organs is a blessing for others who may not have a chance to live otherwise. Life can be so hard!
I visited Sarah today in the nursing home. She was very fatigued and not one thing she said to John and I was accurate or true. It was about 2pm when I got there and she did seem tired. Sitting in a wheel chair all day staring at the TV or walls would make me tired too.
Russ offered to take my car to the auto place to switch the snow tires to normal tires tomorrow. I'm grateful he is doing it so I don't have to sit and wait for the job to be done in their waiting room.
Rain and gale force winds predicted for tonight. Our temps made it to the 60's today. It looked like you had 80's?0 -
It was very warm for a few days. Then we had a storm system roll through yesterday and we got rain. Rain!!! Unfortunately it knocked the power out at work and that has been a whole fiasco, but Rain!!! Thank you God for rain.
Oh yeah, Bernie’s mom (and other gross family members) explain so much of how Bernie is. I really thought that modeling “normal “ behavior for day after day, month after month, year after year would be enough. But it never has been. And he just doesn’t get it. And just refuses to try therapy. Although even though I have had counseling it obviously wasn’t enough to allow me raise Caleb successfully.
And now it looks like I am being moved to a different leadership person. I like her better as a person but she is really hard on people and has already mentioned how she will have to figure out how to hand off anything I am doing that is not business unit specific and pick up more unit specific duties. I mean wtf. I heard over and over I would have the same job. And here we go with this *kitten*. I keep praying for a miracle for Caitlin or for God to give me her affliction. She has so much going for her. I wish I could take it from her.0 -
I think a 13 year old from Columbus got one of Luann’s kidneys. There have to be a lot of happy families today. Hopefully all the transplants go well.0
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Is your job changing drastically? What will you be doing? I
Nice that the kidney could help a child locally. I hope my organs can help someone when I die. If I live to old age, probably not, but at least I had longevity.
Great PT session today!!!!!! I pedaled the bike all the way around for the first time. We've been reaching for that for weeks. Today is 9 weeks since surgery. I'm thrilled that it happened. Tomorrow I am going to the Y to ride the bike and then go in the pool for water yoga!! I am ecstatic right now. Huge milestones. My goal is to keep moving forward with range of motion. I will be active in FL.
Today I am driving a friend to the airport. She comes here once a month to visit her mother who lives in assisted living and has memory issues. She alternates which friend she asks to drive her to the airport when it is time to fly back to VA. My turn today and it gives a chance to catch up. She graduated from high school with me and lives near Richmond VA. She is one year in remission from ovarian cancer. I hope she has years left but that is a bad cancer that typically comes back.
You did not fail with Caleb!!! He is exerting his independence and figuring out who he wants to be. That is a good thing because it means he is maturing and moving towards adulthood. His choices may be different than you want them to be which is difficult for you, but supporting him in his choices (if legal) is how parenting is going forward.
Hang in there!0 -
Yahhoooo!!! I'm so glad that your PT went great and that you conquered some impressive milestones. I can feel the upswing in your mood. So happy for you.
I keep saying that I feel failed with what is going with Caleb, because some of things he has expressed were/are very deep emotions that I carried around in feelings to how my folks parented. My mom vocally made it clear how much she was unhappy with dad - I thought by not saying derogatory things to the kids that would be better - not expecting them to carry my emotional load. There was zero fun in my house growing up - it was all about responsibility and every weekend going to farm to help out - and being responsibility for your own financial stuff very, very early. I thought raising them to be involved in activities, clubs, school, church (and being at those with them) would help them have fun, find things they are good at, prepare them for the future too. But it doesn't seem like it has. I really thought the way I raised them was so much better than how I was raised. That even though I struggle with depression and anxiety I never made it their problem, but maybe it was just too pervasive for them to escape unscathed. Or maybe they should have been in counseling too. I do think that I should have had Caleb continue sessions for longer than he did after his friend had his hurting himself issues. I think Alex is either bi-polar or manic-dep and since he is still in Caleb's life it probably drags him into his cycles. Also his other friend Zach A I'm pretty sure has that going on too. I know they have to figure stuff for themselves, but I really thought I was setting them up to get there easier. The way it seems is that they are going to struggle way more through the launch.1 -
From your description of the boys' upbringing, you did a great job providing them with many opportunities. I think it takes our children well into adulthood to realize what we as parents did right and wrong. We aren't perfect. Do you think C suffers from anxiety or depression himself?
My Mom said things to me that were hurtful and I've struggled with those comments through my adult years. But I've also come to realize that she wasn't a happy person a lot of the time and had many regrets. I think she was jealous of my opportunity to attend college, get my degrees, and have a career. She was in college in the 1940's and many women got their MRS degree. She and my Dad got married in college, both dropped out sophomore/junior year so my Dad could go and work in the family company. My Mom became a housewife, had kids, did volunteer work, ...
I went to the Y and did 25 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the treadmill. Then I went to water yoga which felt wonderful!
I gave Russ the job of planning our drive home from FL. Where we visit, stay, etc. He chose Charleston, SC and Asheville, NC. He has found great places to stay and hopefully is booking our reservations right now. He doesn't usually help with planning except the route we drive to and from. He did a good job with his assignment, LOL!
Any plans this weekend?0 -
Windy, cool and sunny. I sprayed my perennials with Rabbit Out and then went to my sisters to clean up her ferns on both sides of her porch.
Nothing going on this weekend.0 -
I can't wait to hear about Charleston and Asheville - I think they would be neat places to visit. When is your Florida trip?
Yay for being able to get back in the pool. I can tell from your update how meaningful that is for you. Yay!!0 -
I think part of what is eating at me is that I didn't/don't see what it is that was missing for Caleb. He probably doesn't know himself, but for so long he was so focused on education and stubborn enough to fight through difficult times. I just can't get over the change. I know I have to let it go0
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Rory lost focus in college after he decided to withdraw from his ROTC scholarship. He changed his major 3 times and then graduated with a degree he didn't like or want to pursue. He worked different jobs for low pay until Russ convinced him to apply to the Electrician's Union for an apprenticeship since he had his solar certificate. He still isn't passionate about his career path buy sees the advantages of the benefits and pay he will get when he is a Journeyman Electrician in two years. Maybe C is struggling with his career path and life path and just needs time. He is probably his life and where he is now. Do you think he would talk to a professional counselor again?
I went to the Y and pedaled for 25 minutes and walked on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I did some weights for my arms and didn't stick around for the one knee press machine that was occupied for too long. Icing now...
I need to get organized and begin packing for FL. We leave next Monday morning.0 -
PT went well yesterday. Range of motion is increasing in my knee.
I went to visit Sarah afterwards but she was sound asleep. It was later afternoon and her husband had left. She seems tired whenever I see her.
Russ and I are going to Traverse City today to do errands and have an early dinner. I want to add more galvanized tubs to my garden for planting. There is room on the planter stands for 3 smaller, square or round tubs. I also want to look at seeds. I will purchase some starter plants at the end of May when we return from FL.
I will start packing tomorrow for FL. My niece is going to feed my sourdough starter while we are gone. She took the bread class recently so knows what to do. I only feed it once a week so I will do it tomorrow and then drop off. She will only need to feed it 2-3 times. If it dies off, I will start another or ask the teacher from the class for some of her extra.
I hope your week is going well.0 -
Sounds like the Y is going well the last couple of times. The improvements are happening!
Your Florida trip will be three weeks? I bet the weather will be pretty good. Shouldn’t be overly hot yet.
Another day down
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April 29th to May 22nd, leaving and home again. Two weeks in St. Augustine, two nights in Charleston, SC and 3 nights in Asheville, NC.
We just need to figure out where we will stop driving for the day next Monday and Tuesday so we can book a room in hotels along the way.
I am sore from PT today. I'm also chilled due to our lower temps now. I just took a hot shower to wash off the sweat from PT and warm up my bones.
I dropped off my sourdough starter at my nieces so she can feed it while I'm gone. She has a starter she feeds too.
Russ and I are going out for soup for dinner. There is a restaurant that makes Chipotle Chicken Soup on Thursdays. It is so good.
I hope you have had a good week.0 -
We booked our hotels for the two nights on the way to FL. We will stay south of Cincinnati the first night and in Macon GA the second night. Tomorrow I need to start pulling clothes from my closet for packing.
I was able to do some gardening in my perennial gardens today. They are raked out and weeded so now the sun can get to the new shoots popping up. I've sprayed everything with Rabbit Out so we will see if the little buggers stay away or not. Russ trimmed bushes to see if the new growth looks good and the bushes can be saved. Now to pack and off we go.
I would like to get the car vacuumed out and washed before we leave.
I was able to sleep in our bed last night. It went better than previous tries.
I hope you have a good weekend. I am taking my computer with me so I'll be checking in with you.0
