The New Water Cooler
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Yeah - Caitlin (niece) is only 24 (25 in August). I'm guessing maybe it's part of Michele's withdrawal, but honestly I don't fully get that either. Or I guess you could say it just adds more daggers that she views me as not someone to be able to share her pain and fear with.
Michele has basically said nothing to me. She did share a text message she had gotten from someone from Behlen about someone from work who had a brain aneurysm and was life flighted to Omaha in a coma. And she had made mention of a couple of other work things that I had no idea about, but she is obviously getting updates from Peggy (in our team) that she is still only sharing with Michele. I mean Dan (her husband/my brother-in-law) still works here too, but I know the stuff she mentioned didn't come from him. So, it's weird she is still more dialed in to other people than me. Yeah.
I shouldn't even allow myself these thoughts of hurt, with what she must be going through, but yeah - it really stinks to have zero connection/able to lean on each other with someone I thought was my ride or die.
I hope PT goes well and Power Books too.
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I hope your niece will be ok.
Could you take your sister out for coffee or dinner and tell her you need to talk? Ask her if she is mad or just stressed that she has withdrawn from you? It seems you need to try because it is taking its toll on you and your stress not having her in your life like before. If she snubs you then the ball is in her court but you tried. Hopefully your effort will break the ice.
PT was a downer. I've regressed in range of motion this week. I'm going to the Y today to work on the recumbent bike, leg press, and treadmill. Power Books was fine but I could only sit for 1.5 hours (getting up to stretch). At least it is a start and some normalcy.
I will visit my friend in the skilled nursing facility today. She moved down the road from me last week but then there was a flu outbreak in there so I stayed away.
Happy Tuesday!
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It feels selfish to even have these thoughts, but I love all of them and would want them walking that road with me if me or mine were in the that situation (and would have done it) but to know that there is something lacking in me to be able to be viewed as someone she can lean on - just like with the not telling me she was leaving - HURTS. Is it because she is the oldest? Did I do something to continue to make me seem too immature? I honestly don't think I can ask her again, because she has said 'no' several times already. I really think it's just her coping mechanisms to be unable to give voice to the things that are too awful to think about. But it's not going to make the journey any less painful to shove it all down.
For now I pray. I pray for a miracle. Pray for mercy. Endurance. Hope. Healing.
2 Corinthians 4 16-18
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.0 -
I'm sorry PT has hit a valley. Persevere! You can do this.
Hope you have a good visit with your friend and maybe she has made some progress while you have been recuperating.0 -
I didn't realize you had extended invites to get together with your sister with no positive response from her. That must be painful to you. The ball is in her court at this point. All you can do is remain supportive from afar and be available if she reaches out. Could you send her a Thinking of You card and tell her you miss her? Tell her you are praying for Caitlin? Be the one to make gestures even if she doesn't.
I went to the Y this morning. I did some bending of my knee on the recumbent bike but wasn't able to pedal all the way around. I walked briefly on the treadmill. The leg press machine was taken. The walk in from my car and back out is far so that was exercise. I will go again tomorrow. I did see my aqua fit teacher and chatted with her briefly. She had back surgery in December and looks great.
I visited my friend Sarah at the nursing facility. She was getting speech therapy when I arrived so I was able to watch. Sarah looked rough, tired and I thought I saw some regression in her memory, ability to bring her cup to her mouth, and comprehension. I will see what I think after a few more visits. She may just be tired after PT and adjusting to a new bed, room and facility. It's a busy place and 3 times the size of where she was before.
I'm stopping by the orthopedic clinic tomorrow morning to have the nurse pull the stitch out of my incision that is pushing its way out. They say I can do it myself, but no thanks!
Hang in there and try to stay as positive as you can. If you are the one to initiate gestures (card, phone call, etc.), then you are doing all you can do and can feel good about that. Give it time...
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Maybe you will feel better getting some of those stitches out.
Had hair today, my bangs look not quite right. That’s a bummer.
Well, tomorrow is the day for Caitlin to meet with the neurosurgeon. Praying for a miracle.0 -
Praying for Caitlin! I hope the news is positive.
I have my hair cut appt next week. I just want to hack it all off to a short short cut but I know that will be more work so I need to calm down.
PT today, took a long nap this afternoon and then walked in the driveway and did some stretches for my ham strings which are tight in my surgical leg.
I will try to get to the Y tomorrow to get back on the bike and treadmill unless weather is nice and I can take a nice walk on our road.
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I haven’t heard anything from Caitlin. That is making me start to fear for not great things. Easy/positive news is easy to share. Not easy means trying to meet with people to talk about it. And of course the taking of time to digest it yourself before trying to talk about it because it will spread fast. Please keep praying.
Did you have a good walk?
The temps here are ok, but the wind is blowing like crazy
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I'm sure she will tell you when she is ready. She must know you will worry. I am definitely one of those that need to process and share only when I'm ready.
I've been walking the driveway every day. Today I did a morning and afternoon walk to the end of our driveway
( 150+ feet long) and around the circle. I walked it once each time. The bottom of the driveway is down hill and probably a 30% incline coming back up. It's in the 40's and 50's here, no snow and will creep up to 60 in the next days if they are right.
Russ and I went to our favorite burger place for an early dinner. That was my first restaurant since before surgery. Gradually entering the world again...
I'm still sleeping in the recliner. I can't get comfortable laying in bed yet. Frustrated!
I will visit my friend Sarah tomorrow and see how she is doing now that she has had over a week to settle into the new care facility.0 -
Caleb came home to go fishing with Bernie. Hopefully the weather cooperates. Looks iffy tomorrow.
Keep working on your rehab. One day it will just click
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Looks like it will be a beautiful day.
I visited Sarah. Her college room mate and husband were up from FL and visiting her too. I had heard about Marcie over the years and finally met her. Sarah didn't seem any more alert or articulate than my visit a few days ago. Cognitively, I definitely feel she is regressing or at least not progressing. Her husband John is so good with her and so tender.
I've been walking the driveway every day. I went to the road and back and around the circle. It's tiring and my leg needs icing when I'm done. So sick of this but I will keep at it.
Nice that C came home. Have you had any time with him or are they on a fishing trip?0 -
No update from Caitlin yet.
I didn’t get any alone time with Caleb. I did get some couch time with him and Zach watching some basketball which was really fun but my one attempt to talk about school didn’t go anywhere.
Keep walking!0 -
Do you know anyone that drove to a state to see the eclipse? A MN friend and her husband drove to Arkansas. She texted that a community college was charging $100 dollars a car to park in their lot, the last hotel room in the town went for $1200/night... Amazing how communities use these kind of events to make money.
It was slightly dimmer here 10 minutes ago but otherwise nothing special. A beautiful clear sunny day.
I'm glad you got some time with both boys even if no in depth chats could occur.
Hope you have a good week.0 -
I didn't hear of anyone driving to the totality path. We were in the path of totality back in 2017 so a lot of people got all excited about it that time. I didn't realize one was going to happen again so soon, so I didn't keep our glasses from last time - we were able to get a bit of a view. Someone let me peek through their glasses. It's neat, but not something I feel crazy about.
I have had not great days at work that last couple. Another from my team put in her notice yesterday. I had two more pointless conversations - I keep trying to point out I don't have any back up and I keep getting my hand patted (metaphorically) that it will get figured in time. I did take a stand when the HR guy for some reason took me in for a closed door chat and told me they were probably going to put me with Jeromy Smith for my team leader (since they couldn't find any other place for me) and I said, fine, then I quit. I won't work for him. I guess they are getting short enough in our team that at least I had that sway. I still don't have a back up - but they decided to tie me to the new "Master Scheduler for Beheln Country". Even though I work for all business units and they will be pissed off by the amount of time I spend on not Behlen Country work. A stress for another day. HR guy was like you are important and valued and I'm like really? Because I have been asking for someone to be trained as my backup for over three months and keep getting, gosh we are working/talking about it. I literally can't take more than random day off here and there. I haven't taken multiple, consecutive days off in years. Sure, I'm valued. So, anyway, going to be reporting to a person from the outside (who has no experience with out system) who won't start for over a month and eventually when she settles in maybe she'll get around to figuring out a back up for me. So..... six months from now? It's all so stupid and exhausting. And then I feel like a selfish piece of crap having these feelings knowing things are probably so terrible (healtwise/future-wise) for Caitlin. But I still haven't heard anything. Maybe it's not so bad? Maybe more tests are needed and no one still wants to say anything. But, then dang - why drop the bomb if not going to keep the lines of communication open. And, again, dang selfish feelings for feeling that. Anywho, feelings. Lots of them.
Hugs.
Oh, and the partner from work who had a brain aneurysm the day before Easter was declared brain dead yesterday and the family (her sister is in my team) is working through the process as she wanted to be an organ donor to do that and all the other arrangements necessary. More feelings.0 -
Wow that is a lot with your job. The company that bought or merged with Behlen sounds incompetent. How long does it take to organize and become efficient? It sounds like no one understands your position or what to do with it. What are you going to do? Wait it out? Keep your eye on new jobs?
Caitlin may have had tests or been referred for testing and does not know results yet. Would your sister tell her not to share info? Can you call Caitlin directly and tell her you are thinking about her and see if she shares?
Another beautiful day here. It should get to 60. I'll take it.
I need to call my brother in WA and pin him down about returning for our brother's burial. He says he wants to be here but has not booked a flight or given me dates.
I visited Sarah at the nursing home yesterday. It was just her, her husband and me. We had some nice chats but mainly between me and John. I don't know if Sarah is able to follow conversation. She does try to comment but what she says does not pertain to the topic. I definitely see regression. She is so complacent about her situation that I don't think she truly understands what is going on with her situation. The old Sarah, prior to stroke, was feisty, blunt, and opinionated.
My body has gone to total flab during this recovery. I wish I could get back in the pool.0 -
How long until you can get back in the pool? I bet finally being able to do that will be a mood boost.
I would say it's sad the Sarah doesn't seem to fully grasp her situation, but maybe it is a small (small) blessing since it seems like she won't be able to go home. I would have to imagine that having you visit is huge comfort especially to her husband.
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I think my opening on my incision is closed. I will either go Friday to water yoga or next Tuesday for Aqua Fit. Yay!!!!! Today I walked the driveway and then ventured over the uneven grass to my garden and then sprayed Rabbit Out on my bulbs that are coming up. I will walk again later and get more steps in. Tomorrow is PT.
I think you are right about Sarah. If she doesn't understand and see the big picture, she can accept her situation. She does remember "home" and wants to go there but John keeps telling her she has to do therapies and get better first. He wants her to stay as positive as possible. Since she moved to the current nursing home in my town, she is closer to friends for visiting. She mentioned she is getting too many visitors and wishes it was less. I told her I could come once a week instead of twice and she wants me to come twice. I think she understood the conversation but not sure.
I had told you that Russ has been building bird houses. He built three blue bird houses and put them out on our acreage. One is now occupied. He put another kind of bird house up on trees in the pine grove. I saw a bird peeking out of one on my walk. He is excited.
I talked to my only remaining brother, Brad, today. He lives in Bellingham, WA. He was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago. Some type of lymphatic cancer that is not aggressive and does not need treatment at this time. He is tired and said he doesn't accomplish a lot in a day. He recently moved from AZ to WA and is still trying to get settled. All his daughters and grand kids live there so he has his family near by. His daughter Emma was an oncology nurse so that is good for him. I have been trying to get him to book a flight to come here so we can bury our brother's remains in June. He is a big procrastinator so needed the push to tackle the task.
I have my days confused. I thought it was Tuesday but it is Wednesday!0 -
The PT said she sees a pin hole opening where I'm waiting for my suture to close up. I'll wait until Tuesday and make a decision about the pool. I don't want to risk infection at this stage of post op recovery. No progress in PT today with range of motion.
Rainy today. I was able to get in one time around the circle in the driveway while it was sprinkling. I should have gone out at noon before the rain started. Oh well...
Nothing else is going on today. Napped, reading my book... Haircut tomorrow.0 -
I’m sorry your incision hasn’t fully healed yet. I know you’re ready to get back in the pool. Good idea to give it a few more days
I’m sorry your brother has been diagnosed. It is good he is close to his family particularly having a daughter with those specific caring skills.
Tough week, but it’s Friyay0 -
Beautiful weekend weather.
I stopped in to visit Sarah this morning and then went to the small grocery in town to get some ingredients to make a lemon poke cake. Sarah's husband was not there yet so I visited with her for an hour. I hoped that morning would make a difference in her comprehension, verbal expression, and overall ability to be more oriented to current time. Not so... She is definitely regressing and it makes me wonder if she at some point won't be verbal. Lots of word retrieval and sentence formulation issues. So sad for her...
Rory is calling us in a bit to check in. We haven't talked since his birthday at the end of March. I also want to check in with David tomorrow before he heads out for shrimping and fishing on his boat.
How was your week and are you having a nice weekend? Did you talk to Caitlin?0
