Dating life Post Surgery
NicoleL874
Posts: 675 Member
I cannot be alone in the single but dating life. It's so weird to try and meet people, then figure out how much to tell them and when.
I'm meeting a new guy this Saturday. Nervously excited. We are meeting in a forest preserve to go for a walk. That's new. I like it. He's active and loves being outside. So, we'll walk and talk and see how that goes...
Seriously, anyone else single? lol, I need buddies who feel my pain! *smile*
I'm meeting a new guy this Saturday. Nervously excited. We are meeting in a forest preserve to go for a walk. That's new. I like it. He's active and loves being outside. So, we'll walk and talk and see how that goes...
Seriously, anyone else single? lol, I need buddies who feel my pain! *smile*
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I am single and SO feel your pain. Dating has been pretty weird. Maybe because I am weird. I dunno. I've mostly been trying online dating. I was dating one guy for a bit and he knew about my surgery, and he decided to stop seeing me after he realized I had a little loose skin. I am not kidding. Then I met a guy who told me he liked me but he was only interested in sex. I couldn't get past the fact that he wore bright orange flip flops when we met for coffee at Starbucks. They were the opposite of sexy. I am so glad I have a sense of humor!
All I can say is, keep trying. There are so many people out there in the world that it might take a few tries before the right one comes along. Just have fun, and don't take it personally if things don't work out, there is usually a reason!5 -
I haven't been single for a little while, but I did the online dating thing for about 2 and half years. In that time, I only met 2 guys that I clicked with. Everyone else was strange, only wanting sex, or sending wiener pics
. I did get some fun stories out of it though! 5 -
@garber6th I was on in the Spring, met some odd ducks, then met the oddest and for whatever reason decided to stick it out with him. Looking back, I knew the whole time that we really weren't right for one another. My best friend now says, "Yeah, I knew in May it wouldn't last, you weren't listening to yourself." Now, I see he was the training wheels. I am so not self-confident that I needed someone who had pie in the sky ideas of us and seemed to love me unconditionally. Now, I'm back online. *sigh* I am meeting this guy, we get along great. He's new to the area and I'm trying to convince myself that even if there are no sparks a new workout buddy would be great. Emphasis on the word *trying* lol!
@chubby_checkers So how did you meet your SO? Or was he one of the two? NOT COMPLAINING AT ALL, but I do think I'm the ONLY female who hasn't received the rando dick pic. lol2 -
@NicoleL874 be careful what you wish for, you might start getting pics now lol! Whenever I have gotten them, which isn't often thankfully, I usually respond with, "You are going to have to do better than that". That puts an end to it quickly lol.7
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Dating is poop
But I can do a story time:
2 years ago I started dating a woman who had the sleeve procedure a year-ish before meeting me. She was the one who really got the cogs turning in my head, and went with me for my first seminar. She had lost a lot of weight, but had reverted back to her old ways. She ate carb heavy, desert heavy, and had put on a bit from her lowest weight. I had already lost quite a lot of weight on my own, using MFP, not drinking except on weekends, walking regularly.
When that ended, I made my mind to go through the surgery. During this time I really didn't concentrate on dating. I dated myself.
4 months post-op, I found myself in a new relationship. Despite the incredible intensity of the relationship, there was a lot of bad habits that came out. She was not health conscious, so there was more eating out, drinking, and a lot less exercise. She also didn't cook, so I made sure we ate healthy at home. It takes a lot of willpower to maintain a relationship where you both have different outlooks. It's a good reason why divorce rate after surgery is so high.
I'm 2 months out of that ship now, and have been out with a half-dozen women or so. I'm making sure to stick with my goals, and to find someone who is currently living a healthy lifestyle. It's not easy.9 -
@garber6th Oh, and I'm really kinda weird too. I don't know if I'm *really* weird or just weird in my head. Either way, I'm trying to overcome it and be more *me* when I first meet people. I'm usually incredibly reserved until I know someone, then there's a WHOLE LOTTA Nicole going on. Shocks the crap out of people. I think that's part of what happened last time. And yeah, that's hilarious about the pics. I'll have to keep your quip in mind to use, lol!
@anbrdr Yeah, the last guy said in his profile that he was into fitness. "Fit n dis whole sammich in my mouth" is what it should have said. I feel like I wasted my whole summer with him. I did continue to eat right and workout (albeit less than I was before) so now I'm excited to meet someone who seems to be incredibly active. To the point I'm a little nervous about keeping up! lol
We did exchange numbers, I did reverse look it up, found his name, address, FB page. I've sufficiently stalked him online, lol! As a single woman, I feel it's my duty to do so.
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@anbrdr I really think you are right about trying to find someone who is living a healthy lifestyle. Being on the same page is a huge deal.
Until about 6 months ago I was dating someone for about two years. I met him when I was about 50 lbs away from my lowest weight. He really didn't mind if I was big or small, and that made me really comfortable with him. That was part of the problem, that I was afraid to step out of that comfort zone for a while. He was a lot younger, super cute, really fun, and I really liked him a lot, but we weren't right for each other. It was really hard to break the habit of dating him, but I knew that I had broken so many other unhealthy habits that I could get through this too.
I am kind of curious what dating sites other people use. My dentist's assistant suggested I use OurTime because it's more age appropriate for me - she is my age and found a great guy. I can't even begin to tell you the level of retardedness I have dealt with. Also, I have some deal breakers. I might be picky, but... ok, you tell me -- If you are wearing sunglasses in your profile pic, no. I always feel like these people are hiding something.
- If you have a picture or multiple pictures of your cat (yes, I have seen this, just the cat!!) no
- If you have 7 pictures and they are all selfies, no. Get a friend. They can take a pic for you.
- If you have pictures of your Harley or Corvette or other midlife crisis vehicle... ugh.
- If your status is "legally separated", no.
- If you have "fun", "cool", "hot", in your user name... you probably aren't any of those things.
- If you are bald but have a pony tail and an earring... you know the answer to this.
Yeah I know, picky lol. What are your dealbreakers?
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NicoleL874 wrote: »@chubby_checkers So how did you meet your SO? Or was he one of the two? NOT COMPLAINING AT ALL, but I do think I'm the ONLY female who hasn't received the rando dick pic. lol
He was one of the two.
Spend anytime in the online dating scene and you'll get one (or a dozen). I usually responded with "aww. It's so cute and tiny!" I got called a b*tch a lot. Lol!
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I'm only on plentyoffish, it's free. I'm 42, and have been finding guys in that age range, but yeah...lots of "WOW" moments.
My "NOPE" list isn't too long.
If there are a ton of pics, but all with other people so I have to figure out which is you, nope.
If there are too many memes, and one or two pics, nope. It's not Facebook, I want to see YOU.
If I receive a message that just says, "hi." or "hey there", I don't have the time. I have a profile, why did you message me?
If they don't have their profile filled out, or cannot put a cohesive statement together (use "r" "u" "2") forget it.
Yeah, anything other than "divorced", "widow", "single" is a no go.
If they ask for my phone number in the first conversation. My profile says I will not give it out quickly, so don't ask.
I'm quick to block, lol, I like the block function.
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NicoleL874 wrote: »If there are too many memes, and one or two pics, nope. It's not Facebook, I want to see YOU.
If I receive a message that just says, "hi." or "hey there", I don't have the time. I have a profile, why did you message me?
If they don't have their profile filled out, or cannot put a cohesive statement together (use "r" "u" "2") forget it.
I'm quick to block, lol, I like the block function.
All of this!! I also have on my profile that if you have no picture or your profile isn't complete, or if you are not local, please don't contact me. Do you know how many people from out of state with no picture or profile contact me??
It amazes me that I am on a site for people over 50 and a LOT of these men cannot form a complete sentence, let alone a sentence without "r", "u", etc.2 -
I've met much more quality people on OKC. I had to give up on the POF. There needs to be a Bariatric dating site, lol. That would make it easier.
I wouldn't mind having someone to spend time with, but I'm not going to worry too much about it. Most of the women in my age range have baby fever, which is my biggest nope. It's also medically unlikely My other red flags are heavily religious folk, smokers, racists, and homo/trans phobes. Pretty much anything else is flexible 5 -
Well, I did go on a date Saturday. Met in a local forest preserve, walked over six miles. Had great conversation. Got a great hug goodbye. Had the possibility of something for Saturday night, but he texted late that he was exhausted. Little contact since. I'm over-thinking, like I always do. I just hate electronic communication as a primary method. His profile said that exact thing.
Now, to breathe and wait for him to contact me again. (I did text yesterday) We'll see...
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NicoleL874 wrote: »Well, I did go on a date Saturday. Met in a local forest preserve, walked over six miles. Had great conversation. Got a great hug goodbye. Had the possibility of something for Saturday night, but he texted late that he was exhausted. Little contact since. I'm over-thinking, like I always do. I just hate electronic communication as a primary method. His profile said that exact thing.
Now, to breathe and wait for him to contact me again. (I did text yesterday) We'll see...
The waiting is the hard part! I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Keep us posted!0 -
Um, I don't envy any of you. I've dated as a single mom. Torture. Pure torture. I can't even imagine having to have a weight loss surgery discussion with some of the yahoos that I dated--or to let some of them see the sadness that is my loose skin!
That being said, I met my husband on Match.com (I did PoF and eH and some other thing I don't remember) and it almost didn't happen. I'd had several disastrous encounters and decided that it wasn't worth the time, energy, and money to go on. I happened to get an email the day my membership was set to expire; he could form a full sentence and seemed normal. We started emailing and texting and then had a first date within a couple of weeks. We'll be married five years next May. We have an almost threenager and he's in the process of adopting our older daughter. He is amazing.
He's been amazing through my whole journey and is my number one supporter...just as it should be.
Don't short change yourself...but remember that what you think you want may not be what you need. Keep an open mind. Don't invest time or energy into someone that can't contribute to you meeting your goals whatever they may be.
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amandacanales wrote: »Don't short change yourself...but remember that what you think you want may not be what you need. Keep an open mind. Don't invest time or energy into someone that can't contribute to you meeting your goals whatever they may be.
^^^^^ SO. MUCH. THAT. ^^^^^
I got out of the recent four-month debacle slightly scathed. Really, learning more about me and what I need vs what I thought I needed or deserved.
Then, after the date on Saturday, I spent a LONG time thinking about what I want in a relationship.
For me, it's been decades of self-isolation spotted with few bright spots of wanting to be with people. Now, I want a relationship, but didn't think I could get or deserved more than I had found. Looking back I see how miserable I was just settling. I'm active, like being active, like doing things, like exploring life and need to find someone who does the same.
Hey, thanks to all my internet psychiatrists! lol3 -
NicoleL874 wrote: »amandacanales wrote: »Don't short change yourself...but remember that what you think you want may not be what you need. Keep an open mind. Don't invest time or energy into someone that can't contribute to you meeting your goals whatever they may be.
^^^^^ SO. MUCH. THAT. ^^^^^
I got out of the recent four-month debacle slightly scathed. Really, learning more about me and what I need vs what I thought I needed or deserved.
Then, after the date on Saturday, I spent a LONG time thinking about what I want in a relationship.
For me, it's been decades of self-isolation spotted with few bright spots of wanting to be with people. Now, I want a relationship, but didn't think I could get or deserved more than I had found. Looking back I see how miserable I was just settling. I'm active, like being active, like doing things, like exploring life and need to find someone who does the same.
Hey, thanks to all my internet psychiatrists! lol
I second this! I think we have to remember not just what we want, but that we deserve to have it. Speaking for myself, selling myself short was not uncommon in the past. When I was 386 lbs I didn't think I had the right to expect much. Losing weight has not made me any more deserving of what I want, but this whole journey has given me more confidence and also more awareness of what I want. I think we are all badasses for all that we have been through and our settling days are over!
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Confidence is badass!3
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So I signed up for google voice, got a fake phone number, figured out how to get it working...
Do you guys ever go out with people that you know there's really nothing? Like, just getting your feet wet kinda thing? Does that make me a horrible person? lol *sigh*2 -
Nope, I think it's normal.
The Google Voice number is a really smart idea! No sense in giving all the weirdos your real number.1 -
chubby_checkers wrote: »Nope, I think it's normal.
The Google Voice number is a really smart idea! No sense in giving all the weirdos your real number.
That's why I did google voice. Even though most of these sites have built in speech programs, so many of the guys insist on exchanging numbers. I got tired of refusing and weeding out otherwise nice guys, so yeah. Google Voice.
Trying to navigate this weird world, lol!
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Nichole- Google Voice is a great idea. Dating just to date seems a little weird, imho. I think it possibly gets the other person's hopes up, and is kind of a waste of time/money. I do admit, that I have gone on dates where I wasn't 100% sure of the person beforehand, only to see if there was something I was missing out on through text.1
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@anbrdr I wouldn't go on multiple dates leading someone on, but yeah. A first date? I figure why not? Is that weird? lol, I am weird. I am so awkward when meeting people, I figure the more I meet the better I may be. *sigh*
I did join meetup.com, there's a singles' group and they are meeting at a bar this weekend to see a band play. I figure I'll go there too. A way to get out that's zero pressure...
I really want to get out. Most of my friends are either married, single parents, or not interested in going out. I need ways to find more single friends that want to go out. Hence MeetUp.1 -
I have never been one to "practice date", for some of the reasons anbrdr pointed out. Also, some people get crazy when you tell them online that you don't feel you are a good match, I would be a little fearful of having to let down someone I have actually met and gone out with if I was just dating them to pass the time.1
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Oh Meetup is such a great site. I'm on a few of them, none of the singles ones yet. I'm really liking this board gaming group. There's a hiking one I'm excited for, now that the weather isn't deadly.
I don't think first dating is weird, unless you generally have 0 interest in the person. This exercise plan I'm on has me doing something every day, which helps with the monotony as well.1 -
Dating sucks! I keep deleting the apps... then ultimately download them again. I'm currently in a deleted apps period. *Sigh4
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Ok. Now, I need advice from people that understand! LOL! OMG. I feel like such a head case sometimes. A little more about me. I'm INCREBILY over-analytical. I think things TO DEATH at times. It causes these little things in me to NEED to know what's going on, so I can calm the FLIP down.
So. On, 9/16 I started chatting with a guy. On 9/18, I gave him my number (before Google Voice, so my actual number), and we shifted to texting. *sigh* If I wanted to do that, I'd stay in the damn app. On 9/20, I finally got him to call and we had a GREAT conversation. Then, back to text all week. On 9/24, we met and went for a six mile walk. It was GREAT. Very natural, comfortable, and I *felt* something. Since then it's been pretty quiet. A hello text here and there.
The contact from before we met to after we met has significantly declined. I try, and he doesn't respond much. I know his life is busy, and it can be a number of things..but...*sigh*
Do I let it go and follow his lead? (That's what all my married friends are saying) Or do I take the step to say, "Hey! Had a great time on Saturday, would really love to get together again!" and see what he says?
WHY IS DATING IN YOUR 40S SO HARD?0 -
I'm a married guy, and old, so no actual recent modern dating experience, but I would put it out there. If you are assuming he is breaking it off or wanting to keep it casual, and you are protected from being hurt by a confirmation; get that confirmation.
I see this as an extension of the 'data-driven' thing we talked about in another thread. If you need the data, get the data. Just make sure you protect yourself emotionally.
Good luck!
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Yep, don't hang on to someone who isn't prioritizing you. Move on to the next. You left the ball in his court, and if he picks back up, then cool.
The biggest frustrations of dating are flaking and ghosting. Flaking is when someone cancels a date last minute, or just does not show up. Ghosting is when the conversation just disappears. Both are so easy to do now, because of how anonymous/tech driven we are. I went on (what I thought was) an awesome first date Monday night. We spent the majority of the weekend texting, and seemed to have a lot in common. The date was good, ended with a hug and a kiss. I've sent 2 texts to her with no response, and will send no more. Not receiving closure is a pet peeve of mine. I would rather hear "I just didn't feel the attraction" or "you are too boring" than to be left in the dark. But, the logical side of me knows that dating is an extracurricular option and that it's nothing that needs to be taken seriously.5 -
Flaking. That one's new. I'm all too familiar with ghosting.
Yeah, this guy promised he'd never ghost, which is why this limited communication is so frustrating. I'd rather have him ghost or tell me to bugger off than have the back and forth.
So yeah, I'm definitely talking to other people, which isn't usually me...but whatever.1
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