Runners that need some nutritional accountability
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@honunui - I think your words sound wise to me. My DIL lost a brother and I never know what to say to her parents about him. I will ask sometimes if he liked this or that and they do like to talk about him now. Sometimes I can tell that the ache is on the edge for the mom.
DH is okay. We were at doctors a few hours and he is still in aFib and doubled his meds and added something else. We are back home and he goes back in about 10 days to see if he went out of it. Though they can read his HR from the internal monitor he has.
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Have sent you a PM.
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@ddmom0811 hope he is OK. How frustrating! Good luck with the interview, sounds like a good opportunity.
@RunsOnEspresso oh poor shadow! Hope she's on the mend! Have a good run. That temperature looks awful!
I've woken with a headache. Taking the kids to school then PT. After that I'm thinking walk and/or swim (yay the pools are open!). Not sure what. It's my day off and I actually want to enjoy it for a change.
So after lunch I'm going to park my butt on the couch and just cross stitch or knit - not sure yet haha.2 -
I am so hungry today. That's all.3
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@ddmom0811 - sorry about the aFib but glad your dh didn't have to go into the hospital.
It is awesome that you already have an interview! That is definitely how it gets done these days, well actually for a long while now.
Our dd kept fighting us on networking and finally she started talking to some of the contacts she has made over the years at conferences and through coworkers and friends. Unfortunately it is not a good time for her to look for a job while they have so many healthcare related cuts. I figure people are going to start going back to the doctors and ERs and taking their kids again and they will start hiring. At least I hope so.
@RunsOnEspresso - I hope Shadow is ok! Hobbes threw up at agility class on Monday but I know it was a combination of too much excitement and too much heat.
@elise4270 - Seattle has some wonderful tattoo artists. If for some reason @HonuNui's contact doesn't work out let me know and I will get the info on my daughter's. I hope you share the final design with us. I think it will be awesome.
@avidkeo - hope your headache is better and that PT goes well so you can get back running again.
My day is all out of whack. Had appointments this morning then Costco and other errands. Had a delicious avocado and turkey sandwich from a little local deli and thought I might at least get a walk in once we got home. Unfortunately it was already 93F when we got home at 11 and I suspect we are on our way to another record setter like yesterday at 103F. If it cools off some I will get Hobbes out for a short walk after the sun is going down.
I did see on my insurance co's app that my pace maker has been approved. Still haven't heard from the cardiologist's office though.
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@ddmom0811 Thoughts and prayers for your dh and you. I'm so scattered, or its hard to focus on what isn't consuming me. best of luck on the interview.
@shanaber great that insurance is moving forward.
tattoo
I did talk to dd about it. She told me about a cousins decision to get one and how dumb it was, an infinity sign. I told her, Alex meant something different to all of us. She liked one of the designs I found similar to where I am going with this. I had some thought to tweak it, even stopped and asked for guidance from Alex and, well, whatever is out there beyond here. Within minutes I was pleased with what my mind found.
The fish needs to be the gold/orange/yellow gold fish DD has on her hand. Embed DS's initials, and add the flame of St. Jude over the otters head. I sent it to dd for input, but shes asleep or avoiding/censoring input.
She spoke to a friend yesterday at the viewing, who is an awesome artist and she might be able to get her help. what? heck ya!
food
I guess I am not eating as much. My weight is down 2.5 pounds since Saturday morning. My stomach isnt happy at all.
grief
Today seems so hard. I think i had a mild panic attack today when dh had coworkers drop food by. Last night i lay in bed and was on fire, I though Alex was being cremated. I feel like my body/existence knows more than my mind does. It's like part of me has been ripped from this world. Its not heart ache, its a soul ache. but not ache, its a feeling that my being is at odds with its environment. I feel physically ill. It's like forgetting how to breath. @HonuNui Eric asked me if you knew that it gets better. I told him not to expect better, just different.2 -
@elise4270 I LOVE this design!
Does it get better? As you say, no it gets different. I am "spoiling" a story I wrote about a year ago. Warning: it has theology, religion and faith stuff. You may find some words of help there.Father David asked if I would read the lesson at Holden Evening Prayer this past Wednesday. I quickly shook my head and said "No!" In mock annoyance he asked "Why not?" and I mumbled something about recovering from bronchitis. That excuse, of course was only that....an excuse. I used to be a good speaker. I was able to effectively deliver a sermon weekly for months when I was interim lay leader following the retirement of our Pastor. As a lector, I was able to give meaning to the readings through inflection and clear speech.
Then Steve (my son) died, and I could no longer read the lessons. I remember on one particular Sunday, I started the lesson which was from Genesis 22-Abraham's planned sacrifice of his only son. In the middle of the lesson I started sobbing....fortunately DH, acting as acolyte that day, was seated behind me and quickly took over the reading. There have been numerous similar occurrences. The plague of death to the firstborn, "My God, why have you forsaken me," "You make all things possible....take this cup from me" and similar readings would trigger my collapse. I eventually stopped volunteering as lector, not wishing to make the congregation suffer through my loss of emotional control.
One morning while reading my ever-present murder mystery, a phrase literally leaped off the (Nook) e-page and slapped me between the eyes. The book, "The Mapping of Love and Death" by Jacqueline Winspear has as its heroine Maisy Dobbs, a psychologist and investigator. She was a nurse in WWI, and part of the background of each novel is her healing from both physical and psychic wounds suffered in that conflict. Her mentor - both professionally and personally - tells her during one passage:"Wound agape is when we find healing in the blood of the wound itself."
I am a physician. I daily see gaping wounds (wounds agape, if you will.....). Some wounds require debridement: cutting and scraping away the dead tissue, which allows new blood flow to bring healing and closure.
I am a Christian. I am feeling my gaping soul (soul agape, if you will.....). This wound, too, requires cutting and scraping away to allow healing.
And of course, the word Agape, in Christian theology, pertains to that love with which Christ loved (loves) us: a selfless, self sacrificing love. A love so strong that he was willing to let his wound gape, and his blood flow to save us.
I am not yet healed, and I am still wandering through the desert......but I hope that my gaping wound will eventually heal with His wound apape.....and I look forward to the day when I can smile and say "sure I'll read the lesson" to Father David....2 -
@Avidkeo I hope your headache went away and you got in some good, relaxing craft time.
@ddmom0811 Glad your DH wasn't hospitalized. Hope the meds help.
@shanaber Glad the pacemaker was approved. Hope they schedule your surgery soon and that your husband gets to be with you.
@Elise4270 I like your idea for the tattoo. I think I know how you are feeling with your environment. Whey my husband died I remember I felt like I was in an alternate universe where everything was vaguely familiar, but I knew it was different. It was very disconcerting. I'm sending virtual hugs! Wish there was more I could do.
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@elise4270 - I too love the tattoo design!
I honestly have no experience with what you are feeling but know that it has to be soul wrenching and that @honunui understands.
I know intuitively that the pain of losing a child is very different from the pain of losing a parent but that is the only personal experience with death that I have had. I was lost and felt mostly like I was in a fog for weeks. I honestly don't remember much after the phone call just little moments here and there. I flew to Spain for the services and to help my step dad and I remember little to nothing of the trip there or back. 40 years later, I still hurt, I still cry and I still miss her. I think when it is your child it is infinitely worse. I have heard that it is exactly as you said, like a part of you has been ripped away.
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One thing that really helped me understand my grief (and how it pops up over time) is this article https://themighty.com/2018/12/ball-box-analogy-grief/
Hopefully it helps others too1 -
Justin dropped a corn tortilla and Shadow snatched and ran with it. 🤣 She must have thought we were going to take it from her. She doesn't usually run away with food we dropped.
I guess she's feeling better. We'll keep an eye on her to see how she does.5 -
RunsOnEspresso wrote: »Justin dropped a corn tortilla and Shadow snatched and ran with it. 🤣 She must have thought we were going to take it from her. She doesn't usually run away with food we dropped.
I guess she's feeling better. We'll keep an eye on her to see how she does.
Woooo hooo0 -
Guh went food shopping while starving. I think I consumed about a million calories of chocolate.
Sigh. Log it. Move on. Don't repeat it!
At least I'm not hungry now I guess1 -
@elise2470 Love the otters! And love the latest iteration. I don't know much about what you are going through but I think what you described makes sense. I hope that while it doesn't get better per se, you adapt and can keep on keepin on and find some peace and joy in life, while not forgetting Alex. What @HonuNui described is so vivid. It's so important to have people in your life that can understand and allow you to grieve as you need to.
@ddmom0811 Hope DH is just fine! I am giggling that he was able to do trades while getting a vasectomy....most men just crumble for weeks after a minor surgery like that. He must be tough. Good luck on the job. Networking is the most important thing these days! Congrats on the weight and abs etc. You have muscle. I need muscle.
@RunsOnEspresso sorry about your pooch! But she has good taste in tortillas!
@quilteryoyo hope you found a Delicious meal to sate you
@shanaber glad that insurance part is done.....now to schedule!
@avidkeo I always make the mistake of shopping while hungry....end up buying junk food!
exercise: I have done a couple of rides this week....one I liked...one not so much.
Food: anything and everything. One negative about a lot of exercise....you eat what ever you want and this leads to bad habits later when your exercise is back to normal. I really need to be mindful regardless of how much I do.2 -
I did finally, sort of, stop eating after dinner last night. But, I had to have dinner in 2 phases. I was so hungry, I ate a salad at 4 and then fixed talapia over rice and ate it at about 5:00. Later I did snack on some almonds, but nothing major. I was just starving every couple of hours. I'm normally not like that.
Today, not sure what I am going to do. Got up early to exercise again, but the humidity is supposed to lower as the day goes on - it's like 85% now. I think I'll try for around 10 when it's supposed to be 70°F and 70% humidity. Maybe it will be a little bit better than yesterday's 89% humidity run. So, my normal breakfast soon, probably a Super Hero Muffin for lunch, and not sure about dinner. Maybe chicken and roasted veggies.
Not that I expect this to last or anything, but I got on the scale this morning and was136.6 - 1.4 pounds down since Saturday and only 1.6 pounds to goal. We'll see what Saturday brings.3 -
@quilteryoyo Sometime that happens to me....just can't fill the hunger void. At least your making great choices and nourishing your body. I would go for the cookies and creme milkshake chaser after a double double.
Congrats on the weight and almost reaching your goals.
Exercise - road for 2 hours....challenging ride but enjoyed the music and did with a virtual group of 25 so it was fun.
Food: had some eggs and toast and some awesome cherries.
Dinner - going to make chicken Caesar salad.1 -
me me me me! I got my way. (so far today)
Rough.
Service was fine. I had to take a moment and remind myself that it wasn't exactly what I wanna hear, but it probably was on point for others. I sort of checked out during the, ya know churchie stuff, little to rigid in my mind. I found myself staring at a corner that made an excellent spot to visualize a haka.
I saw Ganesh the other day, just gazing out the back window in the pear tree, so I had to google the meaning. "New beginnings". Well Ganesh sure, thanks. I mean if you say so; I can't argue with a pear tree.
I shared with DD's cousin about the haka. Shes down. ( to the extent removed Americans can be), I bet I'd be cathartic. American culture isn't any fun, really.
My wayOh I had the anxiety and worry about the girlfriend doing something (stealing the urn, returning to the grave and digging it up- I fretted so much about it yesterday that DH said "enough", I wasn't allowed to speak about it the rest of the day... but,
). The funeral director was just awesome, I think. He bird dogged her, watching her for any signs of nutty stuff. Said she sat mostly in the lobby loudly muttering to herself and gave her a look like "that stops" and decided one more word and she was leaving. She seemed to understand. Wow. I may just love this guy. Dh even mentioned that he was the right choice, since dh wanted to funeral home shop and I said no, my decision is made.
DD had a break down at he graveside service with the thought of putting her twin brother in the ground. I get it. Lets talk. So we decided he wouldn't be buried, but placed in a grave mausoleum thingie. I had no idea that was a thing. It is like a night stand sized monument where the cremains reside at the grave site. Score. Crazy couldn't grab him afterwards. Until then, it's undignified but hes in my trunk locked away. DD is friends with crazy... so I have to consider that she may be manipulated by crazy. Monument thing will take about 2 weeks, hopefully by then all will be calm (and the thing isn't easy to get into). I am so relieved. I admit, I asked Alex for help. So dude. Thank you so much.
food
left over fried chicken and a coke, cuz, Winning.
@RunsOnEspresso Hows the pup today? Awesome that she stole some food!4 -
Pup is her usual self. She's been begging for food all day from me lol1
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@elise4270 - I am glad the service went well with no disruptions. I was thinking about it/you all morning. The mausoleum sounds like a perfect solution!
American culture in a lot of ways is very restrictive when it comes to emotions especially grief. I don't think it has always been that way. There used to be wakes and they covered all ranges of emotions and I think were cathartic. I wonder why we don't do that any more.
I went out for a sort of run/walk. It is still hot but not as hot as fast as the last couple of days. Only 88F when I went out at 9:30. With the wind it didn't feel too bad but I really must take my hydration vest or something even for these short runs.
The girl from the cardiologist's office called again to schedule the pm but called on the home phone that we don't typically answer. Really we only have it because it is a number we have had forever and some people only have that number if they need to reach us. I have asked the medical offices not to use it and make my cell number the primary. All of them get it except this one person and I have now left her 3 messages to please call on my cell number. Don't know why that is so difficult.
Food - I have decided an ice cold Starbucks coffee after a hot run is amazing. DH got me one after dropping Hobbes off at doggy daycare and it was waiting for me when I got back.
We got a half flat of strawberries yesterday so breakfast was a bit of yogurt and granola with my strawberries, yum! Dinner will likely be Panera after we pick up the pup.3 -
@Elise4270 I am glad the service went well with no girlfriend drama and that you and your DD were able to discuss options for his ashes and come up with one that satisfies everyone. It's so hard! I like the haka. I do wish we had something like that here. Take your time and grieve how you need to grieve. We're here if you need us.
@shanaber That is so frustrating about the cardiologist not calling the correct number. I hope you connect with them soon so you can get the PM scheduled. Glad you got a run/walk in. Those temps are horrible.
Speaking of frustration. I am trying to not get upset. I called the AC people yesterday. There had been a mistake and the part they need to fix my AC was not on the truck yesterday. He called them and they were to send it today. He said if it got here before lunch, they would put it in this afternoon. If it got here after lunch, it would be first thing in the morning. I didn't hear from him all day. I waited until 3 to call. No answer so I left a message. Called again about 6 and called the "emergency" number as I was going to have dad come up in the morning if they were going to be here. (My day tomorrow is full of family stuff and a hair cut.) Well, the part did NOT come in again today. So, maybe tomorrow afternoon, if we can coordinate someone being here when they can come. I'll call them early in the morning and see what they say. No need to yell at them, yet. It's just frustrating. Glad it has cooled off a bit and is less humid.1 -
crazy
haha!you know that I thought crazy was gonna steal Alex's ashes. Funeral director just dropped by the house with stuff and told us all about the questions crazy had about the urn/ashes and what time gates lock, and what would happen if she was there after they closed and what legally might happen if she let herself in and were others around... wow, I smacked DH and said "I so told you!" She wouldn't leave the cemetery and he (funeral director) had to tell her you know the urn isn't being left here? I am so (relatively) happy today, I could eat a whole pie! oh there's chunky monkey, Yaasss please!2 -
@shanaber Sometimes I stop at Starbucks when I finish a long run. Walk home is a nice cool down. Iced is so good in summer!0
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@elise4270 - glad the service went well and wow, GF is definitely crazy. Thank goodness funeral director was on top of it all.
@shanaber - same phone problem here. IDK why we keep it! I don't even think we know how to listen to messages on it anymore. Hope you reached the office by now.
@quilteryoyo - yikes no AC in the summer - unbearable here!
@bearly63 - your comment is so spot on about when we over-exercise we over eat and pick up bad habits. I feel like I'm getting less exercise lately but I guess since weight is going/staying down it's okay. And I have less of an appetite as well.
@RunsOnEspresso - glad pup is better!
Long day and too tired to write much but it was good. I didn't sleep well at all last night... and it's catching up to me.
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Wow @elise4270 that girl really is crazy! So glad the funeral director was so on top of things!
@quilteryoyo - I sure hope the part comes and you get some relief before it gets super hot there again! I often wonder when places don't call back like that if they are afraid they are going to get dumped on by an irate customer when most people would just like to be kept informed even when there is a delay.
@ddmom0811 - we have Google Voice (with an Obihai connection) so we get an email with the actual message transcript. Most of the time it is pretty accurate but sometimes it is just garbled until you actually listen to it. We can log into google online to listen to the messages, honestly it is really pretty great and it's free. When I was working that is how I had my office phone set up. It was set to ring that phone and my cell so if I wasn't actually in my office (oops out for a run) I could still get the call.1 -
@Elise4270 Yep. The GF has an issue, for sure. As everyone else, I'm glad the funeral director is on top of things.0
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@elise4270 glad it went well. Hopes for no more drama!1
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@elise4270 - hope you are doing okay. I know after the friends and family leave it is really hard. Life is supposed to get back to normal but there is no normal anymore.
Just did a 55 min Peloton ride and now eating lunch. All pretty much on track. I love chocolate milk after a run/ride and at BJs I found a pack of Fairlife Nutrition Plan drink that has 30 grams of protein and 150 calories. It is not quite as delicious as regular chocolate milk but I like it.
Working on the schedule in an ever changing world of students leaving and Governor making rules on class sizes.
I had my interview and it went well and in fact they did offer me a job 2 hours or so after I left! However, the pay is not good. Told them I'd think about it and then talked to the finance director at my school and asked her about only doing my database job and not teaching and she thinks it is possible. She knows everything about the school as far as money, so I feel like she's in the know as to if it would work. Saturday is graduation and we start summer school next week (though I wouldn't be surprised if it is all cancelled because the COVID rate in FL is up!) I'll talk to principal next week some time about changing my job. In the meantime, I still have resumes out there and if something really good comes along, I'll check it out. But I feel a big sense of relief getting to the point of not teaching and making more money but doing less. I will get a lot of time off which is what I want! I can write an app for the school! I did a few years ago but it is outdated now.
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Thanks again all. I feel a bit guilty for not being miserable today. With the crazy drama, I am still in a state of relief that the remains weren't stolen. And I hear Alex with a smirk, " girls just can't get enough of me". His memory still offers me hugs and even a dance yesterday, ya know just cherishing his heartfelt presence. DH did insist I bring him in the house under lock and locked up key. So now I'll be the one to not want to leave them so far from me. But that's ok if we opt against a site for now. Probably for the best anyhow.
@ddmom0811 Yes I agree: after the friends and family go back to "normal", I think it could be really hard on DD. Hopefully she can lean on me, but i usually just say the wrong things and she gets upset. SO hard to sit silent and not try to console her, I can be so matter of fact about stuff that it appears insensitive. I let her know to give me boundaries, if i say do something that you aren't ready for, tell me. For me, the hardest part is the self imposed guilt for carrying on. I blame American culture. Why not, right? It's broken everything else in this world.
Food
DH's coworkers brought mexican. I made a reasonable choiced portion. I can see now why it's customary to feed the grieving family, otherwise, they just might not have the desire to eat. And food is love, because were all animals. Bear did his whole stretch up the leg of the female coworker with the food. Embarrassing. DH didn't realize what could have come next if i didn't prompt her to baby hold him. It's possible that he'd just launch himself on her, and to an unsuspecting visitor? ooooo, funny! but I couldn't just wait and see. So often I'm doing stuff and then hes just leapt to my shoulder, I'm use to surprise Beary love.
I'm avoiding the scale.3 -
@Elise2470 Alex sounded like a witty as heck guy! You shouldn't feel guilty. You're coping and it will come and go and show up differently day to day. Having lost both of my parents, I can say that it took me a long time to realize the finality of it all. I would still hop in my car, start driving to work and try to call my mom to tell her something funny and totally forget that she wasn't going to answer. If she did, I would have freaked out and probably crashed or gotten a really expensive mobile bill. Your DD will process differently too. I am the same way in terms of matter of fact. My DD tells me that I am often insensitive but I just don't wear it on my sleeve. That's how I cope. Or I just get angry.
Food is good right now....need your energy to deal with all of this. And screw the scale - you get a break. 
@ddmom0811 Great news on the job...hope it all work out. I drink Iconic Protein....tastes a lot like chocolate milk, about 20 grams of protein and 120 cals I think....its pretty tasty. Doesn't have that nasty protein powder mud taste.
Had a zoom call last night with college gal pals. We have a trip planned to go to the Boulder's Spa Resort in Scottsdale AZ in 2 weeks for a girls trip. Thinking we are going to cancel. Resort is open, but the private pool for our area will have no service. Only 1 restaurant, no spa services obviously. and AZ cases are going up a lot so I voted to just reschedule when its all good. 2 of them are not happy as they want to go regardless. Drama never really goes away from the college group lol!
Exercise -
ran today - did a small warmup run then did a 5K to just see how I felt. Lungs good. Hip sucked. I just don't know.
Food -
my favorite breakfast tacos. some grapes. some candy. Dinner....I refuse to cook so we shall see what happens when DH walks in and asks whats for dinner.....think I am having a vodka soda and sitting by the pool starting......
now!🌴🍸
Happy Friday all y'all (mocking my Texas talk)3
