Share Your Day
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Help me out: describe to me what "happens". OK: you resolve to do… blah blah in the morning. But then what happens by noon? I mean you probably do NOT, all of a sudden, resolve not to care! So. Do you over-eat at lunch and then give up and say that you will start tomorrow? Do you get busy and instead of preparing your food you order take out or go out to a restaurant? Are you trying to go from zero to hero? Is there something else that happens that interrupts the process, and even more importantly, stops you from trying to re-engage during the rest of your day?
@PAV8888 As I know you're asking from a genuine desire to understand, I'll do my best to explain something that I really don't understand myself.
Firstly, you need to understand that I never lose sight of what I should be doing, and never lack awareness either of my expanding waistline or of my decreasing activity and fitness levels. My eyes are wide open to the situation, I recognise and lament the damage I'm doing (even as I'm doing it) and I know that when I finally get back on the wagon (which, despite everything, I still trust that some day I will) I will bitterly regret having let myself get so badly out of control.
Nevertheless, this heightened awareness goes hand-in-hand with a complete suspension of self-governance and a detached, almost clinical self-sabotage. I feel and act as if I'm sleepwalking or being controlled by some outside agency, even while I'm bemoaning my tight clothes and growing spare tyre. I will literally poke my spare tyre ruefully with the finger of my left hand as I eat a doughnut with the right hand.
The intelligence, knowledge, tools, self-discipline and self-awareness that serve me so well in all other aspects of my life (and in my weight control when all is going well and I'm in 'the zone') desert me completely when I'm in this somnambulist condition. Lack of knowledge isn't the problem. Lack of the wherewithal to implement that knowledge isn't the problem. I have the time, money and knowledge to eat a healthy diet and get the optimal amount of exercise. I just choose not to.
Though choose probably isn't the right word. I'm not choosing, exactly. Or at least not fully. The rational part of my mind is shouting warnings and exhortations, but it's as if I'm being willfully deaf. Rational me shouts 'Put down the doughnut!' and benumbed, defiant, savage me doesn't just ignore the shout, but takes a second doughnut in the other hand, as if to say 'Go **** yourself!'
I try to analyse why this happens - try to understand what psychological process is at work that makes me - a rational, intelligent person - willfully sabotage myself and undermine my health…but even while I'm analysing and trying to decode myself, I'm reaching for the next doughnut.
It would be fascinating, if it weren't so frustrating and soul-destroying!
You said: OK: you resolve to do… blah blah in the morning. But then what happens by noon? I mean you probably do NOT, all of a sudden, resolve not to care!
But you see, that's pretty much exactly what happens. It's almost as if literally from one moment to the next I all of a sudden, resolve not to care! That pretty much sums up what happens. One moment I'm rationally, mindfully resolved to exercise weight control…the next moment (seemingly from nowhere) an opposing force has invaded my brain, and I resolve not to care, not to bother, not to try...and that counter-resolve drowns out the rational one (which still shouts, furiously, but not to a receptive listener).
Has that helped you out at all?
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Oh Bella - I sooo know what you’re trying to say. Same here. I KNOW what I need to do and start the day well.
But somehow mid day and beyond it’s like aliens have control of my brain. 🧠 Even as I eat the next snack, second helping, or fat bomb, I know it’s not what I really should do.Perhaps it’s a result of having to be desperately IN CONTROL for a long time. The in-control part of my brain is just tired out and goes on vacation midday. Somehow eating whatever - even if I know it’s counterproductive- allows me to relax and stop struggling. Control exhaustion???
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Somehow eating whatever - even if I know it’s counterproductive- allows me to relax and stop struggling . Control exhaustion???
@Yoolypr what you said above really resonates with me…I think it's at least a factor in the equation. I am a person who can demonstrate iron self control for months if not years at a time…but once that control slips I'm completely undone.
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Honestly I’m beginning to focus on my need to desperately KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER. For myself during my recent medical issues and for my family so they don’t worry. Mental, physical and emotional fatigue.
In the past as a caregiver for my mother it was caring for everyone but myself. Once she passed on I was able to lose the bulk of my weight. But when I needed to keep it together again, I went right back to my old eating habits. Not hunger, not cravings - food really wasn’t the issue. Not even really enjoying or tasting the food.
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It’s long ingrained habits here that undo me and switch me in to that “wilfully deaf” and DUMB (here) with the self-sabotaging behaviour. I can have a fridge and freezer full of varied, healthy, prepared from scratch savoury, sweet meals for all occasions. I love cooking and batch cooking helps with the busy, working / supporting family days….but every so often - can take a few days or even weeks and I’m looting the pantry like I’ve not eaten only hour(s) before! I find it so baffling, stupid, even idiotic.
Tuesday’s binge was over a 1000 kcals - 200 more is what some people have allotted in a day.
I can’t fathom it, so am just gonna “ walk” away from it and try to hold onto how it made me feel in those moments and learn… yet again. I mean what else to do.2 -
desert me completely when I'm in this somnambulist condition
100% match to Bella during every single period of gain or regain.
Still NO 100% success at avoiding. But SOME success in mitigating.
Best to avoid triggering (slow things down) Acknowledgement that it seems to follow or be associated with periods of high stress. Maybe a good strategy for me would be to reduce "easy to add up" calories at those times.
Mitigation?
Fun and games! logging is not a bad thing or work or an inhibition.No no no; it is a FUN way to WIN the GAME of eating the MOST that you can and have the MOST FUN stuff that you can within the FUN FUN FUN parameters you've set for yourself to achieve the GOOD HAMSTER FUN goals that you want to (which should not be too too hard especially in the beginning so that you're not having extra reasons to avoid). I mean what could be more fun that knowing exactly how many grams of fun white fluffy bread you just had? (18.7g in case you're wondering).
slightly depressed somnambulist state has two end points for me: gain or not caring enough to eat but that becomes a game too (because there is a self harm component there that can turn into not eating as punishment that should probably be avoided and not triggered. In my particular case if I've not eaten sufficiently through the day because of #3, I do deliberately make up for it via chocolate and protein ;-) so as not to overdo things (at this point even 750+Cal deficits are not really sustainable and if applied we will soon end up with a severely overeating episode
let's face it, this is the long wait for the light switch to flip. My only take to manage that wait is to "fight it" as much as possible… i.e. avoid the one way regain that can happen during this timeframe by slowing things down. Which will lead to #4 because we all know the stuff that doesn't seem to ever happen while waiting for the switch to flip.
(my "big" thing that don't happen: I don't record my scale weight. I don't do a whole bunch of other things too—the most important one being not stopping when I go off the rails even though know I ought to stop.
RANDOM thoughts. And they really are random stream of conscience thoughts. Sorry but I have to get back to real life ;-)
1 — set up a really random ruie that doesn't even have to make sense. Being summer time, esp for Bella you might even be able to implement it more easily. I am thinking back to when I first started… I split all "snacks" to 10 to 30g bags that were in the 100Cal range. And I set up "rules"/"games" whatever you want to call it. I can have AS MANY SNACKS AS I WANT. But each snack can only be eaten sitting at the living room table. Not standing. Not moving. just sitting at the table. On a plate. And I can take one snack to the table from the drawer and log it first and then eat it. And if I want another one I can get up and go to the kitchen and get a second one and then log it first and then eat it. And if I want another one, of course I can, but first I have to get to the living room by walking around the outside of the house first and getting the third one and logging it and then eating it. And if I want another one, of course I can, but I have to go out of the house and around the block and then get it and then log it and then eat it. And if I want another one, of course I can, but I have to walk to the grocery store that is 1km down the road and then back and then get it and then log it and then eat it sitting down at the table in the living room in a plate ;)
2 — just add things. So maybe zwifting up the alps is not in the cards right now. But you could set up a situation where the game is that you will "walk to the village green / commons to fetch, I don't know, water for the dishes, or a blade of grass to add to your salad, or to take a picture of some random item" before you can have your lunch item. And you can have anything for lunch. BUT YOU MUST HAVE LOGGED IT IN GRAMS and ENTERED IT ON YOUR PHONE BEFORE you open your mouth to insert it ;-)
It doesn't have to make sense as long as you can sell it to the hamsters to get them going in the direction of the desired behaviour. Instead of contemplating I will have to do ALL these things to get going and I will have to do all this WORK start ** removing obstacles ** that seem to be looming. And if something seems like it can be an obstacle or reduce your ability to repeat it again and again sort of work around it to modify it for now and make it easier. So instead of zwifting up the alps just add some extra movement to your day. Instead of looking to create 1000 Cal deficits just worry about logging each single item before you eat it. Nothing more. Nothing less. I mean you are just recording as a fun exercise for the future bella too look at and you're not even trying to cut down on your food or drinks or what have you, am-I-right or am-I-right? Recording is… easy and you have a LEDGER which ought to make accountants go: WOOOHOOO!!!
Instead of (like me) not recording my weight because I "know" it is wrong and I haven't hit the bathroom yet, or I've drunk a pot of coffee, or yesterday I had a salty meal, or I did too much exercise, or I had a sandwich so what's the point of weighing now… I should still enter the effing weight and still count it in my trend which in the end will still reflect the truth albeit with a larger variance. Which of course I don't do — so do as I say, not as I do ;-)
"Fugue like" states suck :( Hamster management is the #1 requirement :( I think we need better cats!
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Tuesday’s binge was over a 1000 kcals
Walk away from it. It is a non event. It is barely two extra days of 'normal deficit eating'. It's not even 5oz of weight and that would be assuming the whole thing stuck.
That's where the slow down and avoid triggering issues by over-trying comes in.
Just worry about establish a relatively easy to sustain long term normal. The aberrations just disappear within the longer term overall trend.
Don't be disappointed that you're walking away. Walking away and letting go of the aberrations in your long term trend IS the win.
The worry should be in establishing the "good" normal as soon as possible. And to do that it helps if the new normal is as "easy" to establish as possible
(correction: it helps ME to make it as easy as possible to establish. for all I know some people thrive in making it HARD for themselves but for me it works better if it is easy enough to default to)
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