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Funnies
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did…
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'…
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only passing on....do not shoot d messenger!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of…
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None of that Sissy Rubbish
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. WHEN YOU ARE SAD -- I…
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Joke
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We…
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Rules that men wish girls knew!
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and…
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I have finally sussed out
how to drink 2 litres of water in a day! Don't laugh now cos it's hard!!! This is the target I set myself and I have stuck to it for a week and it's working. Drink 500mls of water (1 bottle) before I leave for the office in the morning! hard but, I have persevered. Great tip...drink it just after a shower seems to help!…
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Cyanide - Joke
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, " I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he…
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Mid week joke
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm…
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A Christmas Tale
A man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son says. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each…
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It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up! phew!
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Was terribly tired
last night. I have been working so hard. For the past 2 days I don't think I've had more than 9 hours sleep. Was still at work and my 13 year old emailed me this to put a smile on my face. I thought I'll share him with you all.
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New idea for christmas turkey
You should try this! Sure to bring smiles from your guests! Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey. 1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes. 2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details) 3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve. 4. Watch…
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Kids...don't you just love em!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered…
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Brave men award
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next,fatty.' A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to…
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Something funny for all - Joke
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were: 4th Place While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks…
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A long yarn - but worth reading (joke)
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is…
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Can't eat all my calories!
This has probably been covered before, if so I apologise. I am currently on 1200 calories a day. Aiming to lose 1.6/week. I just can't seem to eat all the 1200 a day plus my exercise calories!!! I mean some days, it goes to a whopping 1800++! (including exercise calories). I exercise at least 5 times a week for an hour…
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Happily ever after
MATRIMONY? You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. __________ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:…
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A joke
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the…
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A letter - Joke
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. >> 'Dear, Dad. It is with…
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Jokes
I thought I'll post this to put a smile on our faces....if you've heard it before, I apologise and if not, enjoy. Also see if you have one of yours to top it. DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to…
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Just joined
Hi everyone, just joined and thought I'll stop and say hi to all. I apoligise about the pic, doesn't seem to show my face! promise am not hiding anything. For some reason I can only see the full thing on my edit window! Anyho, hi all.