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How To Shower Like a Woman/Man
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face…
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Some useful facts to help get you through the day
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it !) The human heart creates enough…
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5 Minute Management Course (jokes)
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.' After…
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Something for mid week - jokes
Marriage (Part I ) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: 'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for…
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I usually don't do "blonde" jokes but this u gotta read
THE BLONDE AND THE TRUCKER As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door the trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and…
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old timers
I realised whilst on another forum that I've been on here for over 3 years (on and off). It'll be 4 years in August. I wonder who else has been on MFP for that long and if your journey has been like mine back and forth. Did you, like me voyage back and forth. I think it'll be inerestng to know. Was it a success story or…
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OK, its official I am having an affair!
with black eyed beans!!! (shame I couldn't say black eyed peas). I can't stop eating beans. Dear lord, i wonder that it's doing to my innards! My worries now is trying to keep my b****cheeks tight in public in case i let one go!!!!:embarassed: :embarassed: It's been like 5 days in a row now and beans features in my meal.…
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Kettlebells
I am surprised there is no "kettlebells" listed under the exercise log. I am sure lots of people on here would have done kettlebells. Does anyone know how to set it up or how I can log it? Many thanks for your help. H:flowerforyou:
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I love this doctor!
ok b4 u read, there is a pic of a chinese dr with the widest grin ever in a white medical coat that goes with it but couldn't upload this. enjoy:laugh: . Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.…
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Fibre - moan
ok, just a little moan here. I seem to use up all my fibre allocation in one go - usually on my breafast. If I have 35g of Kellogg's all bran there goes all 14 of my fibre allocation. In the longterm, is it ok to be constantly over the fibre limit and that goes for my protein as well! I am constantly over the allocated…
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electronic muscle toner - slim gym
My hubby surprised me with one of this some days ago and am a bit sceptical. Has anyone on here ever tried/used it? Just want to know if it works for real. it's got pads with electric connections, which you place on different parts of your body and it gives this massaging effect just like a power plate. I'll really…
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Rio slim-gym professional
My hubby surprised me with one of this today and am a bit sceptical. Has anyone on here ever tried/used it? Just want to know if it works for real. I'll really appreciate comments. Thanks in advance.
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sweetners
Does anyone know what else I could use to sweeteen my teas/coffee and weetabix? I hear they are not too good for you. On average, between my teas/coffees and cereal I more or less use at least 8-10 a day. Surely, on the scale of things this is too high? Please could anyone advice? Thanks in advance.
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feeling blue
I am in deep waters and don't know how to even start. Went on holiday from the beginning of Feb and it's been downhill...oh boy do I need encouragement. I have no motivation at all...I have an op pending and should be fit for it but am just so low that I don't know where to start from. I an terrified of weighing and…
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Dukan diet
My colleague brought a magazine in to the office this morning about Dukan's diet. I am really intrigued and thinking on embarking on it. Has anyone out there ever tried this diet and how did it pan out? Or does anyone know what the pros and cons are? Many thanks.x
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I have lost the plot
and I don't even know where to start from! I have no motivation. I don't exercise anymore and I seem, no...strike that. Not seem, I just sit at home once am back from work and eat. Not just my main 3 meals, I am snacking, eating junk and don't even know how to stop. I NEED HELP. Sad thing is, I am at the "happiest" of my…
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Childbirth at 65
Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!! Another great one! With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can…
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little ralphy...jokes (slightly rude)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a…
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Girlie humour
Girlie Humour! 1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. 2. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 3 One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs. 4. My…
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Run Tec HRM - confused pls help
I recently acquired a HRM and what a palaver it is getting use to it. However, just a bit of question pls. On the training values, there is a section that says " calories consumption" and usually there is a display of it at the end of my exercise, do anyone know what this means? My reckoning is it should say calorie burnt…
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Warning -New Scam!!!!
I must be getting old. I thought I was quite "streetwise", but there's no fool like an old fool, as they say. Recently I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. I simply dropped into Morrison's in Swansea for a bit of lunchtime shopping and it turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be…
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Subject: International Council of Man Laws!!
My friend emailed me this. Hope it brings a smile to your face. Enjoy. xXx I love the definition of Balls at the end!! 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie…
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SO SO PROUD
I did it!!! Ran a 5k race for breast cancer. Not only did I help raise money I achieved to me what I thought impossible It was unbelievable considering where I was just over 2 years ago. Prior to this, I have never excercised or seen the inside of a gym. Was never a sporty person all my life. Yesterday proved it can be…
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Mastercard Wedding
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the church steps. The photographer raises his camera. Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new husband stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and…
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Top man - Fun
After 25 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,…
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For all who work with rude customers -
Shame WE can't actually do this ! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from…
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These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for
FREE! YORKSHIRE TERRIER.. 8 years old. Hateful little *kitten*. Bites! FREE PUPPIES Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while.…
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Lubricant - Joke
Murphys' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! 'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the…
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BL - Purple team
Just come back from a 2 and half weeks vacation and can't find any purpler BL team:huh: Have we disbanded and left without anyone telling me?!:cry:
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Friendship
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had…
