TotalDetermination's journal

WifiresGettingFit

@totaldetermination Yay for good days!

totaldetermination

@WifiresGettingFit thank you !

An Ununexpected celebration at work and I ate a few days worth of calories in just a few hours. I knew exactly what I was doing and just didn't care enough to stop. On the plus side I bounced back effortlessly and immediately to my usual state of 'this is hard but I can do it'. I am really happy about that.

So in all I would say a bit of a hiccup but still doing well.

WifiresGettingFit

@totaldetermination you're welcome! Awesome job on bouncing back!

tcunbeliever

I feel like there will always be detours...the journey is long, and there will always be moments that go a bit off the rails...the key for me is to keep those moments infrequent, and to get back on the rails fast...so awesome work on bouncing back and getting right back into the groove of things!!!

totaldetermination

thankyou @WifiresGettingFit @tcunbeliever

WifiresGettingFit

@totaldetermination How have you been doing? It's been a while since you've checked in!

totaldetermination

Still getting by ok thanks for asking.

WifiresGettingFit

Glad to hear it!

totaldetermination

I have noticed that this is gradually getting easier (though not easy !). Smaller meals and turning down some treats (while accepting others) is somehow becoming less of an effort.
This means that I am no longer 'on guard', and today that was my down fall.
I felt like eating and then I felt like a bit more. So I did. not recklessly but just not with any particular awareness either.
Not loads of calories but still more than I should be having. In itself its not a problem but it was just really obvious to me that I have been able to become a bit lax and that actually that's not a great way for me to be.
So time to get my focus back.

On the plus side, I have hit a healthy bmi. Yay !!

WifiresGettingFit

Yay, lots of good news in one post!

totaldetermination

So just when it starts to get easy it suddenly all gets hard.

After several days of over eating last week, I am not taking my wallet with me when I go out because I dont trust myself to be around shops. This has been working for the last few days but I can still feel that if I did have my wallet with me I would be buying lots of food.

I've just got to get back on track and sometimes brute force is the best way t do it. I've been here before and I know that if I manage it then as time passes I will get used to being in control again. and soon I will be ok again.

For now, I am getting very strict with myself.
I think I was becoming a little bit relaxed which led to more and more 'overindulgences' til I am no longer eating well.

Anyway I don't think much harm was done and I have caught it very early on.

totaldetermination

I did really well for about a month. Was very focused and slowly losing weight. About 10 days ago I started to lose focus. I kept trying to get back on track but couldn't do it. So I know that I have to be here for now. This is what I need to do to get back to healthy eating. Also my job has become more sedentary so I am no longer burning as many calories so that's definitely not helping. Still I know what I need to do.

totaldetermination

And another day of over eating.
I want to control it but not badly enough to make an effort when there is food in front of me. Today for the first time in a long time I at to the point of being physically uncomfortable for about an hour after my meal.
And I wasn't even particularly regretting it.

I just have to get back on track.
And to do that I have to want this more than I do right now. Because right now, although I am so disappointed in myself and so frustrated with myself, the though that I am regaining the weight that I worked so hard to lose is not enough to make me willing to make the effort to control myself. It's that simple. I'm just not really trying.

WifiresGettingFit

I've had plenty of those days myself, you'll get there. Just keep moving forward.

totaldetermination

Yhanks @WifiresGettingFit. You are right. Just keep moving forward.

Another failed day.
Same as before. I care, but not enough
At least I care enough and want it badly enough to post here.

totaldetermination

I hate that my old clothing that I was fitting back into is now tight.
As of right Now, I am going to change.
I am absolutely determined and when I make up my mind I follow through.
Until now I didn't have this determination but from now everything is going to change and I am going to lose the weight I have recently gained.

WifiresGettingFit

Write it down, read it often.

totaldetermination

So every day I decide to try and every day (So far) I fail. I just have to get back into it. I know that I can do this.

totaldetermination

I am watching myself lose control.
It is getting worse and worse.
This is the first time that I have had so much awareness of the downwards spiral as it happens, trying to fight but not having the will to fight.
I am getting to the point of realising that this is bigger than previous challenges when I could bounce back. I haven't even had one successful day. I have been under a lot of personal stress lately and wonder if that is why I don't have the strength to fight. I keep on trying and see the consistent effort im making as a victory because I would be doing worse without it. But still this is bad.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to write. I want to shout at myself 'DON'T DO IT'. I remember some time ago writing here a post with a chocolate on my desk and bit by bit finishing the chocolate when all I wanted to do was stop eating. This feels like an extended version of that. I know that at some point I will regain control and then I will regret all this weight gain so much. It will require so much effort to lose all the weight again.
I hate this yoyoing. I really do. I hate the fact that I am a yoyoer. One of 'those' people. No one around me has problems(many have to be conscious of what they eat but they all succeed at it). I consider it a failure and a weakness on my part. I don't talk to any of them about it. And some will sometimes (with only the best intentions) make gentle suggestions about how someone who wanted to lose weight could do it. But generally it's a taboo subject.
I'm sure they can see that I am gaining weight. I hate that so much. I hate that this personal battle is so public.
Gosh I just want it to stop.
I just want to control myself.
This is like self inflicted torture. The torture is the frustration of trying and failing. Not the eating itself.
I'm so frustrated with myself for not managing to control myself. I am such a mentally strong person, (except for where eating is involved). I am not used to my mental strength failing me day after day. I'm not used to failing at something that just requires effort to succeed.
I want to write something here that will give me hope that I will succeed tomorrow. But I don't even know what to write.
I don't know what to try that I haven't already tried.
I really think if I could manage one day it will help me so much. At least it will be a start. At some point, I will start to gain control by first controlling one day.
I'm going to drink water tomorrow. All day. Lots of it. Until I'm full and can't fit anything in. I have an incredible urge to keep shovelling food into my mouth so I will do it with water (I can't afford to buy low cal foods to eat all day).
Just for one day. Come on, I can do this.
Just for one day.
Just for one day.
Just for one day.

totaldetermination

Just for one day. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
Just for one day.
Just for one day.
Just for one day.

totaldetermination

Just for one day.
I am going to succeed.
Just for one day.

tcunbeliever

How did the day go?

totaldetermination

I did it.
One day. I guess it was all the water. I'm not really sure how or why. But I'll take it

tcunbeliever

YAY!!!!

totaldetermination

The rest of the week went badly.
I'm not going to feel on it by describing it. But badicly i stopped even trying.
Ok. New week. New beginning. Lots of water tomorrow. At least I know now that I can do it.

totaldetermination

Good day on Monday.
Best day for a while.
Plan to grow on it on Tuesday.

WifiresGettingFit

How are things now?

totaldetermination

Hi @WifiresGettingFit
I guess things are up and down.
I continue to struggle and I continue to try.
Some days I try harder than others. Some days I succeed more than others.
I haven't given up. I've just got to get through this as quickly as possible and with as minimum damage as possible.
I know that I would be worse off if I wasn't trying so I know my efforts are helping even if they are not helping as much as I would like them to.
Still I continue to feel frustrated with myself for allowing this to happen and ashamed of my visible weight gain.
I just want to look and feel fabulous !

WifiresGettingFit

@totaldetermination I'm not sure if you will find comfort in this or not but I really feel like your post could have been written by me. You are not alone in the struggle, the frustration or even the feeling of being ashamed. Just keep moving forward, take it one day or even one minute at a time if you need to. You can do this. It's not always going to go smoothly, every day simply can't be perfect - life has a way of making sure of that - just do what you can when you can and let it be enough because really doing the best we can is really all we can do.

totaldetermination

I think things are getting better.
I want to say 'things are getting better' but I can't really be that sure. But I think they are.

I'm just trying to eat at maintenance. I'm probably over because I'm just guessing everything but at least I am in some sort of control - something which I haven't been in lately.

I hope that it lasts. .