Why am I so turned off by an educated woman?
MikeM53082
Posts: 1,199 Member
Here's the story, I'm jumping back into the online dating world and starting to send/receive a bunch of e-mails. I'm going back and forth with this local girl, Pamela, and the e-mails are flowing and things seem to be going good. She's pretty, funny, and we seem to have a lot in common. We both enjoy to working out, reality television, Indian food, etc etc. Perfect, right?
Now I'll admit, I never really took the time to read her profile until I sent 2-3 e-mails. During the course of the e-mails, she told me just graduated with her doctorate in Psychology. Most people would be impressed, but for some reason I just got turned off. In her defense, I will say she seems to be very bubbly and feminine, which is a must!
Why was my immediate reaction to be so turned off initially when she told me? Now, I have a undergraduate degree in engineering and a good paying job, so I consider myself fairly bright.. why am I turned off by an educated woman? Do I feel that I'll lose my "hand" in the relationship if she has more impressive educational credentials than me?
Now I'll admit, I never really took the time to read her profile until I sent 2-3 e-mails. During the course of the e-mails, she told me just graduated with her doctorate in Psychology. Most people would be impressed, but for some reason I just got turned off. In her defense, I will say she seems to be very bubbly and feminine, which is a must!
Why was my immediate reaction to be so turned off initially when she told me? Now, I have a undergraduate degree in engineering and a good paying job, so I consider myself fairly bright.. why am I turned off by an educated woman? Do I feel that I'll lose my "hand" in the relationship if she has more impressive educational credentials than me?
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Replies
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Was it the education level or the field?0
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Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.0
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Mike, I think you pretty much answered your own question.
In my experience, there are a ton of men "turned off" by a woman's education or stature in the workforce. I too have an undergraduate degree and have a good job. I've never had a high enough level of education for someone to be turned off by, but I have a ton of friends (in their early to mid-30's) who have advanced degrees and complain about men being intimidated by it. And if a man catches wind that you actually make more than them, the level of attraction pretty much goes into the gutter right there.
My boyfriend doesn't have a college education, less work experience, but makes $1.50 more than I do an hour. I don't feel that me going back to school at age 34 would help my financial situation any, my boyfriend is quite happy that I have a career plan and goals, even if I don't make that much. And he's happy he makes a bit more - balances out the war of the sexes. And I've learned if he's happy, I'm happy. LOL0 -
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Gets popcorn. Waits for the show.0 -
i know why i am ( guys, not girls)
my ex. he got a master and a phd while we were together and it was absolutely AWFUL!
there was a guy that i was into until he said he had two masters and was thinking of getting his phd. IMMEDIATE turn off. i will date bachelor degrees or no degrees but nothing higher than that. it's just such a turn off to me.0 -
Was it the education level or the field?
It was the level of education. I would think twice if it was a B.A. in Psychology.0 -
Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
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my cousin finished her doctorate in psychology last year and let me tell you, she's the biggest ditz on the planet!!!! always has been. her husband, is an actuary.......0
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Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
LOL I'm suprised some of the other ladies aren't here with bells on to have this chance....
Now you know I adore you but I honestly think you are a male who needs to feel totally dominant in a relationship. Since she has a higher degree then you , you then lose part of that hand. She will probably make more money than you as well which will cause futher issue for you. You have said more than once that you want to be the provider and source of support. If she has a masters then she doesn't need you to provide for her or support her.
On a side note stay away from people with psychology degrees most of the females I know with one are bat **** crazy and not in a good way0 -
Mike Ive no idea what your particular issues are, but you are not the first guy I have heard say something along these same lines. No one Ive discussed this with had really good quantifiable reasons for being turned off by the advanced degree just stated it was a turn off.
Would you feel the same way if she were a lawyer, that is a J.D.? Or a pediatrician M. D.? I personally have dated a few women who had Ph.D's and while the degree did not turn me off what did turn me off in each instance was the fact all three of the women had spent their entire life in higher education, as a student or once obtaining a Ph.D as a Prof. That was a complete turn off to me because they had no real world experience but by virtue of spending literally a lifetime in school they had an air of superiority about them. I disagreed in all instances as they had no life experience outside of a classroom so we were not matches by any means.
Long story short, no idea why you would be turned off solely by an advanced degree. I for the most part like to find women with adv degrees (and life experience as well) as it usually makes for better debate and dialogue.0 -
My best friend is actually worried about going back to school for her Masters because her husband is now retiring from the Navy and doesn't have a degree. I can't tell you if she is hesitant because he has mentioned something or because she assumes he will feel like "less of a man". Her main concern is that she will earn more money than him.0
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Mike Ive no idea what your particular issues are, but you are not the first guy I have heard say something along these same lines. No one Ive discussed this with had really good quantifiable reasons for being turned off by the advanced degree just stated it was a turn off.
Would you feel the same way if she were a lawyer, that is a J.D.? Or a pediatrician M. D.? I personally have dated a few women who had Ph.D's and while the degree did not turn me off what did turn me off in each instance was the fact all three of the women had spent their entire life in higher education, as a student or once obtaining a Ph.D as a Prof. That was a complete turn off to me because they had no real world experience but by virtue of spending literally a lifetime in school they had an air of superiority about them. I disagreed in all instances as they had no life experience outside of a classroom so we were not matches by any means.
Long story short, no idea why you would be turned off solely by an advanced degree. I for the most part like to find women with adv degrees (and life experience as well) as it usually makes for better debate and dialogue.
I think any post graduate education kind of turns me off. I see nothing wrong with a women getting a associates or bachelors degree and something useful (say nursing, accounting, etc) is definitely preferred. It's practical education for a practical field.
Most people I've known who got doctorates in a liberal arts field simply did it for bragging rights. They want to be referred to as "Dr." as a way of showing "Hey, look at me. I'm smart!". Kind of like a Napoleon Complex. I viewed these people (some of which are good friends) to have enormous ego issues and getting a doctorate feeds their ego that much more.
Again, this has just been my experience with the PhD. crowd.0 -
What do you do for a living? Do you have a master's? Or even a bachelor's?
Maybe you just want to be the provider and the dominant one in the relationship. Like Jen said, maybe you feel threatened at the prospect of a woman making more money than you.0 -
I think it is because it makes you feel inferior.0
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Perhaps you're gay?? :bigsmile:0
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Perhaps you're gay?? :bigsmile:
As entertaining as this is, I'm pretty sure Mike is the least gayest man on earth. He wants petite, bubbly, cute, fake boobs and long hair.
Thanks for the laugh though, Anna! 0 -
Perhaps you're gay?? :bigsmile:
As entertaining as this is, I'm pretty sure Mike is the least gayest man on earth. He wants petite, bubbly, cute, fake boobs and long hair.
Thanks for the laugh though, Anna!
Maybe online dating is the wrong venue....try a strip club if the above description is fitting
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Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
Um...if you want to be psycho-anayzed...why don't you ask this girl.? Her degree *is* in psychology, after all.0 -
Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
Um...if you want to be psycho-anayzed...why don't you ask this girl.? Her degree *is* in psychology, after all.
WIN!!!!0 -
Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
Um...if you want to be psycho-anayzed...why don't you ask this girl.? Her degree *is* in psychology, after all.
WIN!!!!
I imagine the conversation would go something like this:
Her: Have a seat on the couch over there *grabs pen and paper*
Me: That degree hanging up on your wall is totally turning me off.
Her: Get the hell out of my office.
LOL0 -
Lol....we can't tell you what your issues are.
What if I say please?
Please psycho-analyze me
Um...if you want to be psycho-anayzed...why don't you ask this girl.? Her degree *is* in psychology, after all.
WIN!!!!
HA!0 -
Send her my way! . .me likey!0
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Perhaps you're gay?? :bigsmile:
As entertaining as this is, I'm pretty sure Mike is the least gayest man on earth. He wants petite, bubbly, cute, fake boobs and long hair.
Thanks for the laugh though, Anna!
Maybe online dating is the wrong venue....try a strip club if the above description is fitting
come on now lets not bash strippers!!! A) who doesnt love strippers and
every stripper I have ever met is only working there so she can pay for her advanced degree!! 0 -
Mike Ive no idea what your particular issues are, but you are not the first guy I have heard say something along these same lines. No one Ive discussed this with had really good quantifiable reasons for being turned off by the advanced degree just stated it was a turn off.
Would you feel the same way if she were a lawyer, that is a J.D.? Or a pediatrician M. D.? I personally have dated a few women who had Ph.D's and while the degree did not turn me off what did turn me off in each instance was the fact all three of the women had spent their entire life in higher education, as a student or once obtaining a Ph.D as a Prof. That was a complete turn off to me because they had no real world experience but by virtue of spending literally a lifetime in school they had an air of superiority about them. I disagreed in all instances as they had no life experience outside of a classroom so we were not matches by any means.
Long story short, no idea why you would be turned off solely by an advanced degree. I for the most part like to find women with adv degrees (and life experience as well) as it usually makes for better debate and dialogue.
I think any post graduate education kind of turns me off. I see nothing wrong with a women getting a associates or bachelors degree and something useful (say nursing, accounting, etc) is definitely preferred. It's practical education for a practical field.
Most people I've known who got doctorates in a liberal arts field simply did it for bragging rights. They want to be referred to as "Dr." as a way of showing "Hey, look at me. I'm smart!". Kind of like a Napoleon Complex. I viewed these people (some of which are good friends) to have enormous ego issues and getting a doctorate feeds their ego that much more.
Again, this has just been my experience with the PhD. crowd.
I dont disagree at all with the liberal arts PhD as that has also been my experience, or as stated, they stay in the education field yet with no real life experience to back up all the education.
I also agree with your thoughts on practical degree in a practical field as it pertains to a PhD in liberal arts. Advanced degrees in many fields are practical, but I dont see a PhD in history ever increasing earning power...
My suggestion is to sleep with her and then see how you feel!!! hahahaha0 -
Perhaps you're gay?? :bigsmile:
As entertaining as this is, I'm pretty sure Mike is the least gayest man on earth. He wants petite, bubbly, cute, fake boobs and long hair.
Thanks for the laugh though, Anna!
Maybe online dating is the wrong venue....try a strip club if the above description is fitting
come on now lets not bash strippers!!! A) who doesnt love strippers and every stripper I have ever met is only working there so she can pay for her advanced degree!!
I wasn't bashing! haha I have a few friends who are strippers b/c a good buddy of mine is a bouncer at a local club - I hang out there quite a bit
Actually it'd be more like a public service to some
I mean single mom's need lovin too
Disclaimer: I'm allowed to say that because I AM a single mom lol0 -
I'm going to answer to the best of my ability, but please keep in mind my answer is based on the character you have portrayed here. Depending on how exaggerated that character is, is how accurate my response will be.
You like to be in control in a relationship. You want the earning power, you want the decision making power, you want to be needed financially and physically. Educated women are less likely to fall into that field of attraction (less likely, which is why there is an initial turn off, but I'm sure you could find exceptions). You've said you want the girl to never be a stay at home wife/mom, but you want to make more money than her. You said you like crazy women, but not THAT crazy. You are authoritarian, you want to have control and you don't want someone that's going to challenge you and rock the boat.
You might think it's cute when the girl gets snippy/pouty/whiny/jealous whatever constitutes crazy in your mind, but you want the ability to reel it in. You can threaten to cancel her credit cards, stop paying for her tanning or god forbid LEAVE HER because then where would she be without you? She would be worthless without you. So you have control.
You generally don't find this kind of insecurity in women who know they can take care of themselves. There are women like this at every perspective in life but they tend to exist on the higher education level. Will mentioned that he doesn't like women with PHD in impractical fields - but I imagine that's the kind that wouldn't turn you off. You aren't threatened by a girl who has a degree in underwater basket weaving, in fact, it's adorable! But hopefully she understands that what you say goes or those student loans will never get paid off.
I think a lot of the people on this thread are reading this and waiting for me to bash you and whatnot - but I'm not going to. This is what you want from a relationship, and there are girls who want this from a relationship. Just watch Real Housewives of whatever. If that's what makes you happy go for it. When our culture is ready to leave ideals like this behind they'll vanish on their own. Anyway, that's just my take on it. I don't know how on point it is because I can't pretend to know you, I only know the representation of you that you've bothered to share.0 -
I honestly think you are a male who needs to feel totally dominant in a relationship. Since she has a higher degree then you , you then lose part of that hand. She will probably make more money than you as well which will cause futher issue for you. You have said more than once that you want to be the provider and source of support. If she has a masters then she doesn't need you to provide for her or support her.
Jen summed things up pretty well, I think. Your need to be dominant and the person in control of your relationship, as well as your perspective on the role of women, wouldn't fit well with a woman with an advanced degree. She's likely to be independent of thought and action, may make more money than you, and might be cleverer. She's less likely to prioritise looking 'hot' longterm over her career and your family life, because it's not her most valuable/important 'card' to play in life. In the eyes of the world, she's likely to be the 'star' in the relationship - the point of interest and difference - Dr. XYZ. All these things make you feel, at least subconsciously, inferior and insecure. If she has all of these attributes, she is unlikely to be dependent on you in the way you want her to be (based on your posts here) and would have the ability to walk away if she didn't like where things were going.
By the way, arts PhD's are often essential to an academic career - it's not necessarily a Napoleonic complex (though I do know one or two)! My mothers' PhD is a scientific one, but she always says she only got it because it made dealing with the (predominantly male) senior figures in her industry so much easier, and meant people were more likely to take her seriously from the outset of a professional relationship.
(Of course, I don't know you properly - just from your posts - so this is purely theoretical, but my parents' situation was similar. Dad has two good Bachelor's degrees and an excellent professional career, yet still felt threatened by my mother's PhD status, higher earning capacity and professional stardom...Mind you, he walked away from the divorce pretty flush, and my mother is still effectively destitute, several years later, so guess who had the last laugh. Men do NOT always end up worse-off in divorce courts.:grumble: )0 -
I assume the reason is because you like to be in control emotionally, intellectually and financially in a relationship. Despite the fact that I do feel the need to defend my gender on here quite often, this is one area where I think it's best to just acknowledge your preferences and move on. We all like what we like...0
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I'd say its an intimidation thing. you don't want to feel inferior.
Personally I don't care what qualifications they do or don't have, intelligence is a must for me but thats not just measured by degrees etc. Plenty of intelligent people out there without.
Like I say I wouldn't care what level of education they have, how much they earned etc, if we click and can have conversations on a good intellectual level rather than about reality tv or z-list no mark celebs then i'd be happy.0 -
Busy day here, so I skimmed over the other responses. I'll answer it based on my experiences with men. You a like 90% of men out there and want to wear the pants in the relationship in most regards.
Most men want to be the bread winner/alpha/etc in all aspects of the relationship. They feel that they should earn more money, that they should have the more respected job, that they should have the better education and that they should hold higher civic positions within the community. If they are with a woman that outshines them in any of these areas, the relationship has the potential to struggle (if it even gets off the ground).0
