Help me out: describe to me what "happens". OK: you resolve to do… blah blah in the morning. But then what happens by noon? I mean you probably do NOT, all of a sudden, resolve not to care! So. Do you over-eat at lunch and then give up and say that you will start tomorrow? Do you get busy and instead of preparing your food you order take out or go out to a restaurant? Are you trying to go from zero to hero? Is there something else that happens that interrupts the process, and even more importantly, stops you from trying to re-engage during the rest of your day?

@PAV8888 As I know you're asking from a genuine desire to understand, I'll do my best to explain something that I really don't understand myself.

Firstly, you need to understand that I never lose sight of what I should be doing, and never lack awareness either of my expanding waistline or of my decreasing activity and fitness levels. My eyes are wide open to the situation, I recognise and lament the damage I'm doing (even as I'm doing it) and I know that when I finally get back on the wagon (which, despite everything, I still trust that some day I will) I will bitterly regret having let myself get so badly out of control.

Nevertheless, this heightened awareness goes hand-in-hand with a complete suspension of self-governance and a detached, almost clinical self-sabotage. I feel and act as if I'm sleepwalking or being controlled by some outside agency, even while I'm bemoaning my tight clothes and growing spare tyre. I will literally poke my spare tyre ruefully with the finger of my left hand as I eat a doughnut with the right hand.

The intelligence, knowledge, tools, self-discipline and self-awareness that serve me so well in all other aspects of my life (and in my weight control when all is going well and I'm in 'the zone') desert me completely when I'm in this somnambulist condition. Lack of knowledge isn't the problem. Lack of the wherewithal to implement that knowledge isn't the problem. I have the time, money and knowledge to eat a healthy diet and get the optimal amount of exercise. I just choose not to.

Though choose probably isn't the right word. I'm not choosing, exactly. Or at least not fully. The rational part of my mind is shouting warnings and exhortations, but it's as if I'm being willfully deaf. Rational me shouts 'Put down the doughnut!' and benumbed, defiant, savage me doesn't just ignore the shout, but takes a second doughnut in the other hand, as if to say 'Go **** yourself!'

I try to analyse why this happens - try to understand what psychological process is at work that makes me - a rational, intelligent person - willfully sabotage myself and undermine my health…but even while I'm analysing and trying to decode myself, I'm reaching for the next doughnut.

It would be fascinating, if it weren't so frustrating and soul-destroying!

You said: OK: you resolve to do… blah blah in the morning. But then what happens by noon? I mean you probably do NOT, all of a sudden, resolve not to care!

But you see, that's pretty much exactly what happens. It's almost as if literally from one moment to the next I all of a sudden, resolve not to care! That pretty much sums up what happens. One moment I'm rationally, mindfully resolved to exercise weight control…the next moment (seemingly from nowhere) an opposing force has invaded my brain, and I resolve not to care, not to bother, not to try...and that counter-resolve drowns out the rational one (which still shouts, furiously, but not to a receptive listener).

Has that helped you out at all?

Somehow eating whatever - even if I know it’s counterproductive- allows me to relax and stop struggling . Control exhaustion???

@Yoolypr what you said above really resonates with me…I think it's at least a factor in the equation. I am a person who can demonstrate iron self control for months if not years at a time…but once that control slips I'm completely undone.

It’s long ingrained habits here that undo me and switch me in to that “wilfully deaf” and DUMB (here) with the self-sabotaging behaviour. I can have a fridge and freezer full of varied, healthy, prepared from scratch savoury, sweet meals for all occasions. I love cooking and batch cooking helps with the busy, working / supporting family days….but every so often - can take a few days or even weeks and I’m looting the pantry like I’ve not eaten only hour(s) before! I find it so baffling, stupid, even idiotic.
Tuesday’s binge was over a 1000 kcals - 200 more is what some people have allotted in a day.
I can’t fathom it, so am just gonna “ walk” away from it and try to hold onto how it made me feel in those moments and learn… yet again. I mean what else to do.