having to go to the bathroom makes me avoid drinking as much water as I should. I hate having to constantly be in the bathroom. (I feel like I am anyway).

The week has gone pretty fast. Unfortunately, I get to work Saturday. We have to do a tubular count and I will supporting the team. Boo. I also decided I am going to run some flowers up to my mom this weekend so I can just relax next weekend. I will struggle this weekend with not getting enough downtime to recharge for next week.

Onward.

I got back a short time ago from a ladies retreat. It was amazing. It was great seeing friends again and had some amazing food. I went for a run this morning (the camp I was at is out in the country). I saw SIX deer on my run. One of them stopped and starred me down before running into the woods. I am so tired and am looking forward to my own bed tonight.

I had a precancerous spot frozen on my face this morning.

Warm day and 60's and 70's arriving later in the week!!!!

Busy week here with appts and plans with others.

Happy Monday!

I stated I had looked at the 4runner and then the Land Cruiser (how I had enjoyed it, but it didn't work out), and his response was, "oh that's such a really fancy and expensive vehicle." (Yes, 55k is a lot of money, not any more than a new truck) and mom's response, "oh you want a foreign car?" (Toyota is around 70 to 73 percent domestic made, a Ford is 79 percent domestic, not that much difference). The escape room game I did on Easter I bought a bunch of those little booze bottles and packaged them up for prizes at different points in the game. We have zero little kids anymore. My dad's response, "you must have spent a fortune on all that." (I didn't spend more than I would have on candy and junk for an Easter box and I haven't asked him for money since I was 19 and got my millionth response of 'that's not a good idea'). On Friday I took my mom some flowers for Mother's Day (dad's response, look mom at your fancy and expensive flowers) and I finally mentioned I have been looking for a different job and the one that I thought would check all the boxes didn't pan out. My mom's response, "oh you're just not trying hard enough." Dad, "well, if you were a Mexican." So…. yep. Let's just slide past the fact that my dad is a raging racist. It's actually my mom with her I'm not trying hard enough. That is literally the story of my life with her. I admit, I am blessed with being maybe a little smarter than average. Some things have always come easy for me. Reading, comprehension, writing, music. Not all things by far (math, science, physical). But I don't have that internal drive that I need to be the best of the best. I don't want to be the president or the leader. And I never followed my true internal desires (theater/music) because I was told to not because I wouldn't be able to support myself. Anyway, her words just reopen all those years of fighting not being good enough because I wasn't trying hard enough (aside from the years of not being good enough because I was a fat kid, a poor kid, a kid with no social skills, etc) on top of I was already feeling not good enough for getting dinged on the job. So…. yeah… just it's hard. I have a hard time wanting to be around them much. Even just a couple of hours is a lot for me. And dad just want to talk to Bernie and tell me to be better to Bernie. Then dad had to stop the conversation and make us talk about where the location is for a cousin who has a kid graduating at the end of May. (He understands gps, he just had to steer it to what he wanted). Then b/c mom wants to go this party (he doesn't like people) and drive a couple of the cousins from Wayne, now dad wants us to drive ALL of them. (I don't have a car big enough for six anymore). My dad drives to Omaha multiple times a week for all his doctors appointments, but for this party he is too old and unable to. Got it. We can drive two cars to Wayne (an hour for us each way), then drive two cars to the party (2.5 hours each way). No worries. If I say no, my sister will do it (b/c she loves to martyr). No matter what I'll lose. Either my internal self or external self. Cool

Marla, I totally get what you have described within your family system. Families are so complicated and we never escape the judgement and criticism no matter how old and successful we are. You are a wonderful, hard working, loving person so please affirm to yourself that you are worthy. Your parents' issues are their own, not yours. My father didn't live long enough for me to know how he would have been to me as a teen and older adult. My mother was very critical of all six of us children, especially my sisters and I. We never heard statements of approval for any of our accomplishments, only criticism about our life choices, hair, clothing choices, weight, parenting, friend choices, etc. By moving to MN after college, I achieved distance from the judgement, but when I went home to MI for visits, the dysfunction surrounded me and my feelings of inadequacy bloomed once again. My mother passed in 2012 and I still brought my family to MI to visit my siblings. My sisters have taken on some of my Mom's characteristics of criticism (maybe they were present and I didn't notice). I learned within the first two years of movin g back here that judgement didn't die with my Mom. I am a person with strong boundaries so I have set them with my sisters. I choose when I see them and how long. I'm outspoken about my beliefs and what is none of their business where Russ and I are concerned. I know they think I'm rigid and too direct for their liking. We moved here because of the beauty of the area, a quiet retirement, and being available to participate in family gatherings and help as older family members age.

Hang in there. You are an adult who can lead your life the way you choose. You work hard and can spend your money on what you choose. You do you and enjoy your life. Are you still singing at church?

how fun Ang. I believe music makes our brain better!

The roofers worked from 6am to 10pm, yesterday! Wow, long day! The roofs on the pole barn and house look great and we are relieved that the underlying plywood that was soft and potentially leaking have been replaced. They also replaced the bad flashing and bottom piece of cedar siding on the chimney. We feel much better knowing this big project is complete. Next, we are having the garage doors replaced (originals, dented, bent, and broken cables), and replacing the garage service door and front entrance door. The garage service door is beat up and it looks like someone tried to jimmy it open when this place was sitting empty for a few years. The front door has goo that seeps from the window trim (assume it is glue that gets soft in the heat). I'll be glad to update the two entrances and get this place looking like it is in the right century/decade. The painter will do his job on the exterior at the end of the summer. Expensive year but the big outside projects should be done by Fall and that will be a relief. All will increase the resale value of our home.

Beautiful weather here today. I may plant some seeds and walk our acreage for exercise. I don't need to go anywhere and that feels good.

What are your weekend plans?

this week was really tough at work. I was already feeling rough from the weekend before. I didn’t handle multiple things well and I am going to have to deal with the consequences. Of course it feels like I have no support at home either. Bleh

That is a lot of good stuff going on at your house. I bet you will feel so good having that done. I hope you get the information you need from your next appointment so you can get started on your “sleep they”. I know what cpap is since Bernie used it for a number of years. What is bipap?

Bernie ordered composite decking today. When we bought this house years ago he insisted a wood deck was the best option (I wanted to save and do composite). Welll, wood takes considerable effort to maintain and he’s never done that. It’s been a disaster for a while. I convinced him to look at the composite and it wasn’t that hard to convince him. Replacing the boards isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. What he ordered today was about $2500. I think it will be so much nicer.

Happy Mother's Day Marla! So early to have such hot temperatures. Is that normal for NE? I wish I could do my pots and new planter but am waiting for last frost and for Russ to restain the deck this next weekend. We will get the deck furniture set up after that is done. My inside seeds I planted aren't doing so well. The flowers (Zinneas and Dahlias) are sprouting, but not the herbs or broccolini.

We can't seem to get out of the 50's here. Today is beautiful, sunny, blue sky, and high 50's to 60. Russ and I are going to a farmer's market and on a hike. He is grilling steak and making baked potatoes for our dinner.

I'm glad you will have the composite decking since Bernie didn't keep up with maintenance before. When Russ replaced our decking here, we didn't go composite due to price and two large decks to deal with. Now that Russ is retired he is good about maintenance so I'm fine with it. The new oil based stain that we bought in MN is going to look very nice. I bought more paint samples to paint on the house. We are narrowing down the dark green color and have a choice of two neutrals for the window trim.

Are they just spreading you to thin at work? I wish you had more opportunities in your area for a new job. Change is so rejuvenating if it is a good fit.

It is slow getting to tx up here for the apnea. That was my choice to have another sleep study. A BIPAP has two different air flows into the body. Higher pressure for inhalation and lower pressure for exhalation. For people that can't handle CPAP's continuous air flow for both inhalation and exhalation, the lower pressure on exhalation can be more tolerable. For severe apnea like mine, they think the increased pressure for inhalation may be the best. The study will tell us if CPAP is enough and if they can get the pressure right or not. The face mask options are very similar or the same.

Hi Angela!

My tulips are coming up beautifully! Most of the ones so far are white or yellow. There are a couple bulbs that show promise of being a different colour.

Today I walked to and from the morning service for my mom. I miss her so much. Happy Mother's Day in heaven mom.

Yesterday I dropped out of all but this one "chat" on the community thread that I was on. I'm not going to here but I will be posting less. I am trying to cut down on my social media time as I "dooms day" scroll all the time. I stayed off Facebook for over 48 hours and had a very productive weekend. However, I find myself coming on here more and more as a result. I need to stop doing that.

I just participated in a Zoom meeting about Medicare. Wow! I will be 65 next March and I will be signing up for Medicare by December. Crazy! It was all so confusing to me when I would hear my sisters, Russ or friends talk about the different Medicare options. This webinar made it so understandable and the two of us that participated with the presenter got to ask questions. Very helpful!

Totally understand Angela. Pop in when you choose to. Marla and I are from the original group that started in 2010! We are the only two left except when you pop in to update us on your health journey and life.

Marla, that early heat would be my undoing! I don't like really hot weather but prefer dry heat if I have to endure it. It can get humid here with all the lakes surrounding us, but the temps stay pretty moderate compared to many parts of the U.S. What are your summers like for temperatures, Angela?

Russ pressure washed the old stain off the back deck but it can't dry since it has been raining. We need the rain so no complaints. It just delays putting on the new stain we bought in MN. Next he will pressure wash the front porch/deck.

I am going to go visit Sarah at the nursing home in a bit. I try to go once a week. It is getting harder to talk with her due to her decline in cognition but often we just watch TV and make comments on it. I can't imagine how tedious her days are when her sense of time is inaccurate and she sits in a wheel chair all day in her room. She may go to morning exercise class and do them from her chair, down to the dining room for meals, but does not push her wheels on her chair to explore the hallways and chat with others. It makes me so sad for her. Angela, a friend, Sarah, whom I've knows since age 7, had a stroke 1.5 years ago and has been in a nursing home since. She is regressing in cognition and physical ability. She is 63 and had her stroke 61.

I finally fed my sourdough starter today. It took awhile because I needed to wash the jar, throw away some discard and clean additional jars, and then feed it. Now the jar is fresh and my discard is manageable. Time to make something with either the starter or discard again this week.

the winds here are horrible! 40 to 60 mph sustained! And it’s so dry. So dry.

Sounds like good times for you. I wouldn’t mind going to a winery. With some good food too.
got through the week and this gross wind is not a good start to the weekend

I hope you get rain. I can’t believe this is the first time you’ve had to mow!

Bernie is working on the deck this weekend. He got all the wood off and most of the new composite on. He still has the sides to do. I complain a lot about how he doesn’t get me or see me (he doesn’t), but it is nice when he is in the mood to be handy. I wish I could get some of my projects done, but this will be great to have completed

No rain here, maybe tonight. Fingers crossed

Weekend over. Sad

Congrats on the loss! Four pounds is fantastic!!

We got a little rain last night. Need more, the pivots are already running.

Come on rain!