Bulimia recovery- I'm frustrated

beehappee09

So I was bulimic for four years and bounced in and out of recovery and periods of relapse. It's been three months today that I haven't purged. However, I STILL BINGE. A lot. And it's so hard because I struggle feeling feeling good in my skin because of this excess 10-15 pounds. I'm working hard to lose it healthily while continuing to fight the urge to binge. I feel like I'm gaining so much weight though, this time last year I was about 128 now I am close to 148. And it's so depressing. I don't know what to do. My goal is to lose 10 pounds by January 22. But how do I stop the binging?

queenliz99

Are you seeing a therapist?

Rachel0778

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with your eating disorder. I'm glad to hear that you are no longer purging. Are you currently working with a recovery clinic? Trying to lose weight and recover from an eating disorder are not really compatible activities. I recommend contacting a local clinic and working on getting mentally healthy before worrying about a few extra pounds. If you continue to restrict calories, your body will continue to compensate by bingeing them back.

FitPhillygirl

Why do you have to lose 10 pounds by Jan. 22? Perhaps it might be better if you set a smaller goal for yourself and go from there.

PikaKnight

queenliz99 wrote: »

Are you seeing a therapist?

^This.

pollypocket1021

I'm a recover bulimic of 10 years. (Met clinical dx for 3 years) I stopped purging before I stopped bingeing.

I tried to tell everyone for the last year of my ED that I wanted to stop but I didn't know how to eat normally. Long story short, I got a hold of an experimental computer program out of Sweden that hooks up to a food scale and teaches you how to eat. It tells you how quickly you should eat and how full you should feel. That was the thing that stopped the bingeing.

I couldn't do it on my own. I wanted to. I really did. I totally get where you are now. I think after four years, you can't just stop because you want to. You need professional help, and the strategy that is helpful for one person may not be for the next.

hgycta

pollypocket1021 wrote: »

I'm a recover bulimic of 10 years. (Met clinical dx for 3 years) I stopped purging before I stopped bingeing.

I tried to tell everyone for the last year of my ED that I wanted to stop but I didn't know how to eat normally. Long story short, I got a hold of an experimental computer program out of Sweden that hooks up to a food scale and teaches you how to eat. It tells you how quickly you should eat and how full you should feel. That was the thing that stopped the bingeing.

I couldn't do it on my own. I wanted to. I really did. I totally get where you are now. I think after four years, you can't just stop because you want to. You need professional help, and the strategy that is helpful for one person may not be for the next.

I completely agree with this.
It's hard, and you should try and find professional help if you haven't started already. I've struggled with anorexia and binge eating disorder for years and eventually forgot what normal eating looked and felt like. I forgot what a portion size is, how often you should eat, and all those other basic things people just seem to get. Eating disorders are a serious problem that doesn't go away overnight, and I wish you all the best of luck in recovery! Good for you for not purging in three months, that's seriously awesome!!!

aimeerhiannon

I also wanted to add another voice, that an eating disorder can make one "forget" how to eat properly, especially when it comes to listening to your body's hunger and satiety cues. I'd say it took me about 7 or 8 years on my own to learn to eat healthily and listen to my body. I wish I'd been able to have a professional guide me through the process at the time, and if you can get that help then definitely do! And congrats on not purging for so long!

beehappee09

Thank you for all of this support and advice it really made my day. I am currently seeing a therapist and it helps. My biggest issue is that I don't know whether I should eat only when I'm hungry or even when I'm not- just because like it was said above my satiety cues are all out of whack. I am also an emotional eater and I struggle with "good food/bad food" thoughts. I did structured eating for the last couple months but even then I binged. It seems to be getting worse before it gets better. And it's not that I'm restricting- and that's what is so frustrating. I'm so jealous of individuals who eat normally, and until they're full. Also I understand that trying to lose weight right now probably isn't healthy... But I'm just no longer comfortable in my skin. I don't let it stop me from going out and having fun but I just feel sluggish all the time. I want to be healthier and feel stronger. I want to lose my extra weight by then because my finance is coming home then, he is in the marine corps.

beehappee09

And thank you, recovery has been a journey and my body is truly amazing in its capability to heal after so many years of abuse.

tiny_clanger

Have you tried (in conjunction with your therapist) keeping a record of binges? Almost like a food diary - what happened to trigger the urge to binge, how did you feel urge-surfing the binge compulsion, how did you feel when you were bingeing, what happened afterwards? You can then discuss this with your therapist as an immediate "real time" account of a binge, rather than trying to work through the feelings with the distance of time.

Human life is made out of patterns, and the first step to changing a pattern is to understand it. Changing the purging pattern is fantastic, and is by far the most important single thing you can do for your health!

julieanamoon

I am with you girl. I have had an ED since my divorce in 1991. That is 24 almost 25 years!! First anorexia. Got down to 93 pounds. From 145. Since 1997 it has been a continuous cycle of binging, purging, losing, gaining. I am.210 now. I tried to stop on my own. Than I called every decent ED inpatient in my state. They dont take my insurance. Called my insurance, they said "therapy only" and then gave me the number of the clinic I went to for years but quit bc the therapists kept quitting to work elsewhere. So, I am starting a nutrition class for pre diabetis in January, and than joining a gym. After I lose some weight, I am going to move to a state where I can go inpatient.
I wish I had stopped after 4 years. Do whatever you can to get healthy. I am 53 and my bones are brittle, my rotator cuff tears all the time,(both are torn right now), I have osteopenia and scoliosis. I used laxatives. So I have had to have hemy surgery, have had anal fissures, and now, I have no control of my bowels. I am either bound up, or running like a faucet. My teeth are in bad shape. From being dehydrated and malnourished all those years. Now...I am paying my penance. Please don't end up like me. Do whatever it takes to get control back, even inpatient if you can. Go to a good place though. Not a state run place. Best wishes soul sister in pain.

MelaniaTrump

This is not a place anyone with any eating disorder should be in. It can make the problem worse. Tracking calories can be even more destructive to recovery. It just doesn't work. Even with proper goals.
Your therapist will tell you the same thing.

earlnabby

beehappee09 wrote: »

Thank you for all of this support and advice it really made my day. I am currently seeing a therapist and it helps. My biggest issue is that I don't know whether I should eat only when I'm hungry or even when I'm not- just because like it was said above my satiety cues are all out of whack.

Perhaps start with an actual meal schedule. Plan meals and snacks and actually schedule them into your day at whatever times work with the rest of your day. This way you don't have to try to figure out if you are hungry or not: it is time to eat lunch, so you eat lunch which has been pre-planned. I have to deal with compulsive overeating and this was the first thing I did before even trying to control portions. It really helped me get back to an understanding of satiety.

nutmegoreo

JulianaMoon wrote: »

I am with you girl. I have had an ED since my divorce in 1991. That is 24 almost 25 years!! First anorexia. Got down to 93 pounds. From 145. Since 1997 it has been a continuous cycle of binging, purging, losing, gaining. I am.210 now. I tried to stop on my own. Than I called every decent ED inpatient in my state. They dont take my insurance. Called my insurance, they said "therapy only" and then gave me the number of the clinic I went to for years but quit bc the therapists kept quitting to work elsewhere. So, I am starting a nutrition class for pre diabetis in January, and than joining a gym. After I lose some weight, I am going to move to a state where I can go inpatient.
I wish I had stopped after 4 years. Do whatever you can to get healthy. I am 53 and my bones are brittle, my rotator cuff tears all the time,(both are torn right now), I have osteopenia and scoliosis. I used laxatives. So I have had to have hemy surgery, have had anal fissures, and now, I have no control of my bowels. I am either bound up, or running like a faucet. My teeth are in bad shape. From being dehydrated and malnourished all those years. Now...I am paying my penance. Please don't end up like me. Do whatever it takes to get control back, even inpatient if you can. Go to a good place though. Not a state run place. Best wishes soul sister in pain.

@JulianaMoon Thank you for sharing your story. So many young people become focused on losing weight by any means necessary that they refuse to consider the long term consequences. While I am so sorry that this has happened to you, I am thankful that you are here and that you are looking for the help and support that you need. Sharing this is very courageous of you, and I am certain that it will help others. I hope that you get the support you need and that your life can become your own again (to whatever extent it is possible).

@beehappee09 Please work with your treatment team on setting your goals and how you will get there. 10lbs in a month is aggressive, and could put you at risk for relapse. Take it more slowly and begin learning better habits. You are right, your bodies hunger cues are all messed up. Talk to your team about what is most appropriate for you. As much as you want to look better for your fiance, I doubt that the price of relapse is one that either of you should be willing to pay for that. I am certain that he will support you in doing things in a healthy way. I wish you all the best.

allbandrelatednamesaretaken

I know exactly how you feel. I wish i could help you :c.