Depression

moya_bleh

Are there any fellow MPFers who suffer from depression on here? I've just been put back on fluoxetine and struggle with low self-esteem. My lifting and fitness routine help greatly in terms of endorphin release etc. but I still have trouble transferring the benefits of a better body to the mind, so to speak.

Neurotic22

I suffer too, though I don't take meds - just talk therapy.

Don't have much advice on the matter, but you're not alone!

richardpkennedy1

Me too. The release from exercise is usually a temporary high

nyponbell

I do. I've been on fluoxetine for almost a year and a half now. I feel great when I work out as well (or even just take a long walk) but my issue is actually doing it -- because I'd be doing it for myself, and that's something I struggle with.

I also just finished a difficult round of therapy, with the summer as a natural break before we do a kind of check-in sometime in August to see where to go from there. So this is kind of my time to work on my issues "by myself" which is both liberating and difficult. Liberating in the sense that I feel like I can do it without the "crutch" of my therapist (I sometimes used her as such) but difficult because, you know, well, depression.

I have gone off fluoxetine in the past (though without doctor's advice) more than once, and it's the restart that feels the most difficult (for me). It's when I feel the most disconnected to everything and I just go through the motions without really seeing things around me (like dishes!). I'm not sure how you feel, since everyone is different, but hopefully this is the start-up period and things will improve.

moya_bleh

I was receiving therapy for deep-rooted self-esteem issues that go back to my childhood. I came off fluoxetine (without doctor's advice, bad move) and I thought that I was better enough to try and get back out there so to speak. I met somebody in February, and within two months I realised that the 'responsibility' of being somebody's partner was too much and my insecurities, feelings of low self-worth, my overwhelming need for external validation due to said lack of self-worth and being unattractive soon became an obstacle and we split recently. I'm devastated of course, but maybe I needed this to happen to show that I am not out of the woods yet and I need to tackle the need for external validation 100% once and for all before I go inflicting myself on anybody again.

88olds

Just a thought. Consider the process. If you've built your body, you've learned the process. Do you have other goals in your life where you can apply the same process?

The gym is a great teacher of incrementalism, small regular steps to a goal.

highlightshadow

Yep ... very much continually feeling whatever i do in whatever avenue of my life isn't good enough
Zero translation of progress into any sense of accomplishment. Currently undergoing some counselling but not on meds

Neurotic22

@moya_bleh so sorry to hear that. I remember going through a similar situation and I haven't been in a relationship for years due to the same reasons - it's lonely at times, but I do feel more internally validated and don't take as much note on what others might think.

Hope you find the same and then end up in a stronger relationship because of it!

moya_bleh

Neurotic22 wrote: »

@moya_bleh so sorry to hear that. I remember going through a similar situation and I haven't been in a relationship for years due to the same reasons - it's lonely at times, but I do feel more internally validated and don't take as much note on what others might think.

Hope you find the same and then end up in a stronger relationship because of it!

Thank you, I wish the same for you too.

@88olds I see what you mean, I need to write down what other goals I have in life and see if the mentality used in physical training can be applied to those also.

highlightshadow

Ironic (slightly) in the sense that my counsillor asked me recently if i felt that once i 'got in shape' i'd not have my self-esteem / anxiety issues .... if they were related..... i said i didn't think so ... interesting that your profile picture shows a body image that i can barely dream of and you have same problem.....
Many people equate thin = confident / assured

moya_bleh

highlightshadow wrote: »

Ironic (slightly) in the sense that my counsillor asked me recently if i felt that once i 'got in shape' i'd not have my self-esteem / anxiety issues .... if they were related..... i said i didn't think so ... interesting that your profile picture shows a body image that i can barely dream of and you have same problem.....
Many people equate thin = confident / assured

I thought that a good physique would cure my ills. It hasn't. A good chassis is meaningless with a defective engine.

Sunna_W

I urge you to check out John Bradshaw, author of the book, healing the shame that binds you.

here is a youtube clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q

From the book - (sometimes you can find pdf copies)

Neurotic Syndromes Of Shame

What is the shame that binds you? How did it get set up in your life? What happens to healthy shame in the process?
Toxic shame, the shame that binds you, is experienced as the all pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being. Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits, it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the self.

It is like internal bleeding. Exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to
himself.

Toxic shame is so excruciating because it is the painful exposure of the believed failure of self to the self. In toxic shame the self becomes an object of its own contempt, an object that can't be trusted. As an object that can't be
trusted, one experiences oneself as untrustworthy. Toxic shame is experienced as an inner torment, a sickness of the soul. If I'm an object that can't be trusted, then I'm not in me. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating.
There is shame about shame. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they will admit shame. Toxic shame is the feeling of being isolated and alone in a complete sense. A shame-based person is haunted by a sense
of absence and emptiness.

_____________________________________

Being on medication is helpful and so is therapy. However, in my situation, the therapist that helped me the most was one who had trained in the Bradshaw method and it's excruciatingly helpful at getting to the root of the issue and addressing what happened in a way that isn't rehashing it, but actually allows the person you are today to learn to comfort the child that you were (and still are to some extent). This intense 2-week experience was the best money I ever spent. It is important to find someone who is the real deal because some people just totally collapse from reliving the trauma. If the people aren't experienced in helping you land softly when you crash, it can be devastating.

That said, you are a survivor and you can beat this. It'll take time - but when you come out of the other side, the scars will be healed and you can accept love because you actually have learned to trust yourself and others. Your feelings are real and what happened was real - now it's just a matter of finding the right therapist to help you get to the other side of the darkness.

lruberstell14

I too suffer from depression but feel much better once I work out, but then go out and see all these "skinny" people who seem to not struggle at all with weight and so I get discouraged with myself almost every single time I go out. I was married for 10 years and lost him to suicide April last year. I grew up with excersise healthy freak parents, dad owned a gym and they were both up there everyday morning and night working out, never really experienced full calorie pop until I moved out on my own and now it's as if I'm a dry drunk for soda, if that makes any sense. My husband always wanted me heavier so no one else would approach me so he wouldn't have anything to worry about, but now I have a boyfriend and my self esteem is so f***ing low its destroying our relationship. I feel the only way I will ever be truly beautiful to a guy is to be skinny, which I've always believed that the only way to be happy with someone is if you are truly happy with yourself, still working on that. Good luck in everything you do!!!!

Panda8ach

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

moya_bleh

Panda8ach wrote: »

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

I have been using mindfulness meditation since being recommended it by a previous therapist. I have a few exercises saved to my phone.

__freckles__

Panda8ach wrote: »

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

I'm down with the hippy crap cuz this helps me as well. Practicing yoga has also helped with my depression. I try to do it at least twice a week in addition to my regular workouts.

Panda8ach

__freckles__ wrote: »

Panda8ach wrote: »

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

I'm down with the hippy crap cuz this helps me as well. Practicing yoga has also helped with my depression. I try to do it at least twice a week in addition to my regular workouts.

I've just started yoga... I really enjoy it Big question is.... Do you own Harem pants? Lol

Mental health is a ball ache but we'll all be OK

__freckles__

Panda8ach wrote: »

__freckles__ wrote: »

Panda8ach wrote: »

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

I'm down with the hippy crap cuz this helps me as well. Practicing yoga has also helped with my depression. I try to do it at least twice a week in addition to my regular workouts.

I've just started yoga... I really enjoy it Big question is.... Do you own Harem pants? Lol

Mental health is a ball ache but we'll all be OK

The fact that I had to google "harem pants" should tell you that the answer is NO!

highlightshadow

Panda8ach wrote: »

I have a number of mental health 'issues' and I know this will sound like total hippy crap BUT mindfulness and meditation helps me so much Headspace is a cool app to get started with

My therapist has encouraged me to do the same but i struggle with consistency and end up feeling bad for not doing it

highlightshadow

@Sunna_W Just bought that book you recommended on Audible ... so i can listen to it on my travels
Thanks

What you quoted did resonate pretty hard

katydougherty

I have suffered from depression most of my life. Been off meds and on meds. When I'm off meds, there is no hope for me at all. The medicine I am on keeps me from being depressed and suicidal (most of the time) and I am able to cope, but deep down the issues are still there. I recently considered going off the meds because I was doing so well and the meds are what caused me to gain weight to begin with, but I realized it was a bad idea. I decided to go on a diet and exercise and found this wonderful app with wonderful people. Not to discourage you or anything, but even when I was skinny, the depression was bad. The only thing that helps me is the medicine and my dog. For the first time in my life, I realized I don't need a man to make me happy. I can do bad by myself. LOL I have completely given up dating and enjoy my dog, my weekly TV shows and I play World of Warcraft (don't hate if you haven't tried it lol). Why you may ask do I want to lose weight if I am a social leper? Well, I've never quit caring about how I look or what others think of me. I also would like to feel better physically. I had gotten to slightly over 200 lbs and I am down to 189 now and it's only been a little over 5 weeks, but it's a start and I do feel better physically. If you are still seriously depressed, try switching meds (talk to your Dr.). I am on Cymbalta and it works wonders most of the time.