Dysmorphia & not knowing what your goals are

mortuseon_

CW: ED

I'm an ED survivor, recovered about 3 years, and I wanted to make a thread about how it can affect body image and goals. I don't own any scales due to it being a previous ED trigger, so I have been basing my progress purely on the mirror. This has made things quite confusing.

I did a bulk back in 2013, which was the last time I was on MFP, after which I gained slowly over the course of a few years. I was unhappy with my body during this time, but was exercising and chose to focus on fitness goals instead (for fear of re-awakening the ED). It was only at the beginning of this year that I finally felt unhappy enough - and recovered enough - to risk tracking calories again. Today, I noticed some loss for the first time, and felt pretty happy about it, but it also brought up some confusing feelings for me. First was that I hadn't noticed any progress previously, then suddenly saw it today (body dysmorphia is a head trip), which makes me think it's not 'real' loss. I experience several inches of bloating around my period, another factor which contributes to the body dysmorphia.

Secondly, I looked back at old photos which I thought would be good goals, and realised that some of them were probably unhealthy - but I don't have a way to truly know. I was happy with today, but then realised that I'm probably bigger than I was at the end of my bulk, after which I remember feeling gross and bloated. Conflating those unpleasant memories with the feeling of relief I had today is confusing. Back then, I did have a lot more muscle, so maybe that IS a good goal? I feel a bit lost, at a crossroads as to how much I want to lose/whether I want to take my loss in a different direction (e.g. recomp). I *think* I still have quite a way to go 'til my original goals, but now I'm questioning whether that's a good idea. I suppose it comes down to not having a stable body image or understanding what is reasonable.

Thanks for listening/reading - just wanted some space to sort my feelings out on this. Would also love to hear from people who have had similar experiences!

usmcmp

Maybe you need a goal that has nothing to do with how you look. Like being able to do 10 pull ups or squat 135 pounds. Setting fitness goals can help you make body composition progress without the added stress of worrying about how you look. I think it might be a good idea to talk to someone on your recovery team about how you are feeling.

mortuseon_

usmcmp wrote: »

Maybe you need a goal that has nothing to do with how you look. Like being able to do 10 pull ups or squat 135 pounds. Setting fitness goals can help you make body composition progress without the added stress of worrying about how you look. I think it might be a good idea to talk to someone on your recovery team about how you are feeling.

That was previously what I did, I just had fitness goals, but as I slowly gained weight post-bulk (was already a healthy weight by this point) I became more and more unhappy. I feel like I want to be able to have aesthetic goals, and I’m at a point where calorie counting itself isn’t a trigger. It’s just head-spinningly hard to set goals when you don’t have a stable self image. I don’t have a recovery team since it’s been so long since I recovered, plus I moved cities! That’s why I wanted to hear from others who might have had similar experiences.

I think it probably would be a good idea to focus on fitness again, but I’m currently working ~70 hour weeks with a long commute, so haven’t had the time for any exercise except walking (much to my chagrin).