Parents-what would you do?

droogievesch · July 2012

I'll try explaining this as best as possible. I have an eight year old soon-to-be step-daughter. She spends 2-4 nights a week with us. We live in a quiet neighborhood close to an elementary school, and there are a ton of kids to play with. My fiance and I are both believers in "let kids be kids" and we have no problem with her going over to somebody else's house to play as long as an adult is there. Many times the kids will travel in "packs" and go house to house to play (Johnny has a basketball, let's go there! Suzy has jump ropes, let's go next door and play there! Etc.) They don't play in the streets and they don't go into yards they don't belong. We are lucky enough to live in a neighborhood with a "it takes a village" mentality, so one of the neighbors always knows where they are (and honestly, it's not hard to find a group of squealing children).

Last night I was leaving for work at 10 pm. My fiance was outside with his daughter at a neighbor's fire pit. The kids were playing tag with glow sticks and in general running around this neighbor's yard. I noticed some of the male neighbors standing in every intersection, so I asked what was going on. My fiance said he wasn't sure, but there had been a lot of police driving through. We went over to ask what was going on.

We were informed that earlier that day there was a man going door to door selling educational materials. He had stopped at that particular neighbor's house at 8:30am. Another neighbor (there was now a group of us) said they had seen that guy earlier, but late afternoon/early evening. Neighbor one thought the guy was suspicious because he was only going to houses with little girls, and was able to drop their names in conversation, ie "I was over at Madison's house earlier..." but couldn't remember/didn't know the adults' names. The police were called when his wife looked out the window and saw him in their back yard. That means he was in the neighborhood from 8:30am through 8 or 9pm (way too long to stay in one place if you're doing sales). Nobody had seen him before, and he isn't a known neighbor. He very well could have been in the neighborhood before, but never raised any red flags.

That leaves us in a difficult position. Besides REALLY stressing "stranger danger" and the buddy system how do we go forward? I don't want her to live in fear of her own back yard. We don't want to raise her to be afraid of all the what-ifs. We don't even know how to explain what's going on to her...how do you explain pedophilia to an eight year old? I would also like to stress there is no proof he is dangerous. There's no proof he's staying in our neighborhood. It may have been one HUGE coincidence. I'm torn between making her stay within eyesight of me, but it's not fair to her. How do we ensure her safety while also letting her be a kid? Neither him nor I had to worry about this stuff growing up. Am I over reacting thinking there's a rapist in our backyard (literally)?

lil_bit_crazy · July 2012

I'll inbox you

droogievesch · July 2012

Thanks! When I get home from work him and I are going to have to talk about it, so as many options/ideas I can bring to the table the better

Lobster1987 · July 2012

I would sit her down and have a chat with her about strangers, what to do if someone she doesn't know approaches her and her friends, etc. Re-iterate it often.

obwize · July 2012

One concern I see is that he knew all their names. I'd check (very diplomatically) to ensure that none of the neighbors posts pictures with names of the children on blogs or facebook. It is shockingly easy for dangerous people to get a hold of that sort of info.

Good luck, and I sincerely hope nothing has occurred yet.

knumommi · July 2012

I would call a meeting and sit down with all the parents and all agree that from now on they would be escorted from house to house and each parent would have to agree to watch over them at all times when they the kids are at their house/yard for the next couple weeks. I think this man is dangerous, and if you feel even the slightest suspicion your probably right. If your child is mad that they can't go by themselves anymore or to someone's house, try to have more scheduled things to do inside, or at the park, or mall or such, assuming that you have time, or space for such.

If any parent doesn't have the time or doesn't agree then I wouldn't let them go there.

I have a 3 year old and I am always checking the sexual offenders registry in my neighborhoods, and learning the faces of the child offenders nearby. I just don't know how to explain it to him yet and he doesn't quite understand.

familywatchdog.us is the site i check just put in your address and open the map key.

LeeshaNichole · July 2012

As a former kidnap victim-I would say make sure you communicate with her, I know you don't want to scare her but a little bit of fear makes you more aware of your surrounding. Stress the stranger danger theory, stress never go by her self and the most important-No matter what a stranger say (ie:your dad told me to come get you, your mom was in an accident) never go with them. Also, check your area for a kids self defense classes (kind of like the ones they do for women). Another thing you could try is when ever she goes outside make her wear a whistle around her neck, if anyone she doesn't know comes up to her tell her to blow it(even if it is someone innocent, it does not hurt to be careful) Obviously teach her to only blow the whistle if she is/feels like she in danger. Good luck, I hope the guy does not come back to the neighborhood!!!

Heather_Rider · July 2012

Iam a firm believer in honesty, and luckily, (my kids are now 13 & 15) come to me to talk when they have a question or concern... because i have been open and honest with them, they trust me.

TELL HER what you saw, what he did, that he is stalking girls and could hurt her.

BE HONEST in what he could/would do to her if he had the chance. Scared? yes, she probably will be, but let that decision be made BY HER.. because if she ISNT a little scared.. then maybe you need to share a little more info with her. i mean, you are an adult and YOU are scared for her, right?? She as a child should be scared too!! Not of her back yard, but of HIM and others like him.

Being scared isnt a BAD thing.. its more like awareness! Please tell this child who and what to look out for. Being aware is a GOOD thing!! Maybe im overprotective but i assure you my kids will never be raped or kidnapped or abused becasue of it. My kids are certaintly aware & even do things like memorizing a car liscense plate if they have never seen it and it drives through twice.

There is NOTHING wrong with raising aware children.

LeeshaNichole · July 2012

I would call a meeting and sit down with all the parents and all agree that from now on they would be escorted from house to house and each parent would have to agree to watch over them at all times when they the kids are at their house/yard for the next couple weeks. I think this man is dangerous, and if you feel even the slightest suspicion your probably right. If your child is mad that they can't go by themselves anymore or to someone's house, try to have more scheduled things to do inside, or at the park, or mall or such, assuming that you have time, or space for such.

If any parent doesn't have the time or doesn't agree then I wouldn't let them go there.

I have a 3 year old and I am always checking the sexual offenders registry in my neighborhoods, and learning the faces of the child offenders nearby. I just don't know how to explain it to him yet and he doesn't quite understand.

familywatchdog.us is the site i check just put in your address and open the map key.

^^Great Idea^^

droogievesch · July 2012

One concern I see is that he knew all their names. I'd check (very diplomatically) to ensure that none of the neighbors posts pictures with names of the children on blogs or facebook. It is shockingly easy for dangerous people to get a hold of that sort of info.

Good luck, and I sincerely hope nothing has occurred yet.

I never thought of Facebook. What struck me as odd was the knowledge of the names (has he been watching them play where they DO yell each other's names? Did he get some kind of school directory from the elementary school?). He only went to houses that were owned too (so no apartments or duplexes), so I don't know if there is a place where you can find those demographics. I know whitepages.com will give names and ages of people in the household when you search. We were gone today, so I have no idea if he came to our place or not (we rent and she's not registered as part of our household).

The BIG thing that worries me is he was lurking in somebody's back yard. She was playing in a different yard (he figured he was in the front yard, why not let them play in the back?) He could have been in that yard just as easily as the yard he was found in...and maybe he WAS in that yard (because who really pays attention unless there's reason to?)

cobracars · July 2012

What happened when the police were called?

I doubt the accuracy of the person reporting the man 'knew all the kids names but couldn't remember the adults '. Its possible, but sounds like embellishment to spice up their story.

We frequently get these salesmen at our door trying to sell subscriptions to 'help the inner city youth'. Had one just today as a matter of fact. What a scam. They drive in to a neighborhood with a van packed with teenage salespersons. They are well taught in sales tactics, and one of the tactics is to drop the names of a few neighbors to get you to let your guard down. If you think a known neighbor was willing to help and buy their crap you are more likely to do the same. If it appeared he knew the girls names but not the adults, he may have just been guessing. I could probably do the same and say "Brittney, Courtney, Brooklyn, Kaitlyn..." and I'd have a pretty good chance of hitting a familiar name of a young girl even if I didn't know any of their actual names.

The red flag for me was the guy in the backyard...no way no reason he should be there, they were right to call the police. Did the police find him, detain him, question him, or what?

Have a talk with your daughter. (I used to have a 'step-daughter' and now she calls me Dad and I call her my daughter). Let her know your concern about some stranger in the neighborhood. Don't make her afraid of her own shadow or afraid to explore the world. You don't want your home to become her psychological prison.

droogievesch · July 2012

What happened when the police were called?

I doubt the accuracy of the person reporting the man 'knew all the kids names but couldn't remember the adults '. Its possible, but sounds like embellishment to spice up their story

The police weren't able to find him, which is why there were people standing in every intersection, they were watching to see if he would cross the street or come out.

I guess he was able to point at the specific house and say their name. He was at the neighbor's house we talked to (has 2 boys and 1 girl) and he said he didn't go next door who only had boys, despite obvious signs children lived there. I don't think he could name EVERY child, but he was able to correctly pair names (or features) with the correct house.

It very well could have been a sales ploy (which is why the police weren't called right away in the morning), but staying in one place that long seems odd. It's not a big neighborhood either, maybe 3-4 blocks (she only has to cross 2 streets max to get to everyone's house).

I think I'll talk to him and make sure he's okay with talking to her. His child, his ultimate decision. I doubt that will be a problem, so I'm thinking that honesty and open communication between us/her and the adults is our best route. I'm going to see what she knows in general about staying safe, what to do in dangerous situations, and what she knows about what happened. I talked to my brother (police officer) about any children's safety courses/self defense in the county, but he didn't know of any. We're going to have to stress that she can say "no" to an unfamiliar adult (she was raised to respect her elders and always listen to adults), especially if she thinks they're doing something unsafe.

I'm hoping this turns out to be nothing except a good reason to have these discussions.

knumommi · July 2012

I think the whistle idea is great. I would alert the other parents in the neighborhood though that when they hear a whistle being blown that it is the signal that their child is in danger. My mom always told me that when she grew up her mom taught her to yell fire because people respond to that faster then when they hear rape or help.

I seen a dateline video online about people who have trained there kids (even a police officers kid) who after was offered free ice cream from a truck which some took, were then asked if they wanted a tour and from what i remember they all went in even though they told there friends they probably shouldn't so I would definitely bring up the peer pressure part of it, like even if there friends want to, they shouldn't and should run and tell an adult, and also maybe try to ask them about license plates if they see a suspicious car so these people can be put in jail.

Some of the kids in the video were playing along to see what passerby's would do if someone grabbed them and walked off, and the kids yelled your not my mom/dad let me go, and people just walked by. So teach them something else to say as well.

Parents-what would you do?

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