(BiC) Bride in Crisis .. Help !
BlueStoneGirl2012
Posts: 13 Member
Hii all ..
I am desperately need help .. and support ..
I am 170cm, 90Kg, 32years. I am getting married in 6 months.
My husband to be is slim, he doesn't work out often but he worse .. he just hates food. He doesn't care much about what to eat. Unlike me, I enjoy food.
He loves me very much .. I am quite sure. But I dont know how to make him more supportive. Sometimes he gets annoyed but some of my body parts ,, but not on purpose .. he just not being attention when touching my tummy or making notes about my bump, etc ... he doesn't mean to at all I know .. but he is just not supportive enough.
He was never overweight at all in his life and he doesn't know how does it hurt .. and how we (overweight) are extremely sensitive about anything .. even a look or a joke .. etc
I hate it when he calls me his teddy bear, or when he talks about how do i enjoy food ,, or the amounts i eat !
He says he wants me in a better health,, but I dont believe him ...
He also doesn't tell me often what he feels about my body.
when we sit and talk he said he doesnt care and he loves me the way I am .. he only does that when for me and my health. But this really hurts me .. sometimes I feel he doesnt find me sexy enough or beautiful enough !
this kills me the most and destroys my self confidence and he doesnt know .. he is not much of a talker ,,, We are getting married in 6 months, this really kills me .. and I am worried it would destroy our love life .. I am always conscious about my size and the way I look and this does really affect our relationship ...
What can I do in 6 months !!
PLEASE HELP !
I am desperately need help .. and support ..
I am 170cm, 90Kg, 32years. I am getting married in 6 months.
My husband to be is slim, he doesn't work out often but he worse .. he just hates food. He doesn't care much about what to eat. Unlike me, I enjoy food.
He loves me very much .. I am quite sure. But I dont know how to make him more supportive. Sometimes he gets annoyed but some of my body parts ,, but not on purpose .. he just not being attention when touching my tummy or making notes about my bump, etc ... he doesn't mean to at all I know .. but he is just not supportive enough.
He was never overweight at all in his life and he doesn't know how does it hurt .. and how we (overweight) are extremely sensitive about anything .. even a look or a joke .. etc
I hate it when he calls me his teddy bear, or when he talks about how do i enjoy food ,, or the amounts i eat !
He says he wants me in a better health,, but I dont believe him ...
He also doesn't tell me often what he feels about my body.
when we sit and talk he said he doesnt care and he loves me the way I am .. he only does that when for me and my health. But this really hurts me .. sometimes I feel he doesnt find me sexy enough or beautiful enough !
this kills me the most and destroys my self confidence and he doesnt know .. he is not much of a talker ,,, We are getting married in 6 months, this really kills me .. and I am worried it would destroy our love life .. I am always conscious about my size and the way I look and this does really affect our relationship ...
What can I do in 6 months !!
PLEASE HELP !
0
Replies
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I am not trying to be tongue-in-cheek here. With your six months, you should find a good mental health counselor to talk about your self esteem issues. You don't feel sexy because your fiance isn't confirming your fears that you are too overweight to be attractive?0
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Hii all ..
I am desperately need help .. and support ..
I am 170cm, 90Kg, 32years. I am getting married in 6 months.
My husband to be is slim, he doesn't work out often but he worse .. he just hates food. He doesn't care much about what to eat. Unlike me, I enjoy food.
He loves me very much .. I am quite sure. But I dont know how to make him more supportive. Sometimes he gets annoyed but some of my body parts ,, but not on purpose .. he just not being attention when touching my tummy or making notes about my bump, etc ... he doesn't mean to at all I know .. but he is just not supportive enough.
He was never overweight at all in his life and he doesn't know how does it hurt .. and how we (overweight) are extremely sensitive about anything .. even a look or a joke .. etc
I hate it when he calls me his teddy bear, or when he talks about how do i enjoy food ,, or the amounts i eat !
He says he wants me in a better health,, but I dont believe him ...
He also doesn't tell me often what he feels about my body.
when we sit and talk he said he doesnt care and he loves me the way I am .. he only does that when for me and my health. But this really hurts me .. sometimes I feel he doesnt find me sexy enough or beautiful enough !
this kills me the most and destroys my self confidence and he doesnt know .. he is not much of a talker ,,, We are getting married in 6 months, this really kills me .. and I am worried it would destroy our love life .. I am always conscious about my size and the way I look and this does really affect our relationship ...
What can I do in 6 months !!
PLEASE HELP !0 -
What would I do? Run in the opposite direction.....As far as I see he is all negative.....You are worth better than that!0
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yea I think you are right .. self esteem issues .. I never thought I was sexy, even before meeting my fiancee .. I was always conscious about my naked body in a mirror !
I wanted more support from my other half .. the thing is that this is an issue he will never understands ,, he has never been overweight at ALL0 -
The one thing I have learnt is if YOU (not any one else) aren't happy with yourself in the mirror, then you need to change to make you happy. You shouldn't want to please anyone else. I am similar to you, in weight and height, but I am a lot younger and I have a very supportive partner who doesn't think there is a problem with my weight but I am the one that does and I know in myself that i need to change and that is why I started calorie counting. I also joined a gym and at the moment I go 2 times a week for a 60 minute workout, I would love to go a few more times but it is hard in my situation with uni and not having a car and whatnot. But my point is, 6 months is an amazing goal to have set if you want to change your weight and eating habits.
I love watching cooking shows and everything and I often think of alternatives for the fatty foods. Calorie counting is great to do because you become aware of what to eat, and what to not eat, and even eating the not so good foods in moderation.
My partner and I are doing it together and I believe it would be a lot easier if we lived together but we are managing alright both living at home.
The key is communication and support, and more importantly, you yourself has to want to change. (I'm not talking personality, I'm talking weight-wise) It is scary to change and it is upsetting to come to the face of needing to change (In other people's cases) but you'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel exercising more and eating a variety of good nutrition foods.
I'm not a professional or anything and in no way do I intend to upset you in any way but I think you should think to yourself if YOU are happy with yourself. And if not, then there are options there for you to make yourself happy with yourself.0 -
You are looking at him and wondering why he chose you...
I did that for 14 years until I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. He was a "next step" guy and a "I don't want to be alone guy". It seems you have two choices here, Two paths cross in the woods, and which one are you going to take.
I'm a romantic at heart, and I believe that he chose you for reasons you cannot "see". Try looking at yourself in the mirror through his eyes. If you like what you see, quit worrying about his genetic good fortune. I "see" that he chose you because he likes what he sees and he wants to share the rest of his life with you--whatever that may be.
So, the path is a simple one...If you are not happy with you, make a change. What I'm hearing is that he really doesn't care what is on the outside and his words, while they are hurtful, do not have your interpretation. The term Teddy Bear doesn't mean fat or slovenly, it means comfort, laughter, and home. When he calls you Teddy Bear, he is telling you he's found a home and a safe place to share his life. Cherish that!
Good luck to you in your quest for a healthier lifestyle. It sounds as though you've found the best life partner to share in your joys (like you said-he hates food so make the healthiest food possible).
Best of everything and congratulations on the engagement and future wedding!
BTW--I met a wonderful guy about 3 months later to share the rest of my life with. We've been together for 15 years and just celebrated our 8th anniversary. We've talked about this same thing. He loves me for the woman he met (size 8), the woman I became (college graduate-magna cum laude while raising my 2 kids and his 2 kids), the woman I let myself become (245 lbs-size 24), and the changes I've made when I chose "enough is enough" (to date 145 lbs-size 6 jeans). And as a result of the changes I've made, he's lost 51 pounds to date.0 -
I would say I agree for you to seek counseling. Sometimes, as women, we project our fears onto our spouses. We want them to be there for us, but what we expect of them is almost irrational. Yes he should be supportive, and I think you must be honest with him NOW about how it makes you feel. He needs to know what scars you have from low self esteem and your weight. If you don't tell him, then he will never know. And YOU need to know that he will be more careful with his words in the future BEFORE you get married.
Also, I think, if he knows you are trying to be healthy. If you're up on here I am assuming you are trying to lose weight and be healthier, then perhaps you need to share that he should help you out and be more open to each other. (He can walk with you, or when you meet a goal he can give you a pat on the back so to speak) Seriously the key to marriage, and for me I have been with my husband for 13 years.....is not holding it in. When you hold it in, it bubbles until it explodes. Then you end up with words spoken in anger, things you might not mean flying out of your mouth and regret later.
But yes, you need to take care of you now. Seek counseling and talk to your husband-to-be. You can't start being honest after the wedding, it's best to know beforehand. Because once you're married, it's harder to ignore things like this that bother you.0 -
My first thought when reading this post was should you really be getting married. It is a big decision and something to not take lightly.
My second thought was you need to do this for you and not anyone else. It is not what is on the outside, it is what inside that counts!
Any type of support you need, you will get from me. Sending big hugs!0 -
It sounds to me as though you need to figure out what you want most and then go after it, hard. You feel unsexy because you are overweight, but you like to eat. You love your fiance, but you feel insecure around him because he's not sensitive about your anxiety about your weight and how that affects your attractiveness.
Losing 3lbs a month, in six months you could lose 18 pounds. If you started C25K, P90X, or just regular gym use, in six months you could gain a lot of physical fitness and confidence in yourself. Losing 18 pounds won't turn you into a six 6, but it will give you a lot more confidence in yourself, and seeing how your fiance treats you as you get fitter and sexier will help you decide whether his lack of sensitivity about your weight is--as he claims--concern for your health or whether he's just kind of a jerk and comments about your body are his way of showing it.
This may be a great chance to improve your life by losing a whole bunch of things you don't need, but you won't know until you try, and with six months, you've got time to make a lot of positive changes.0 -
It seems to me like their is something deeper going on here. Seriously try couples therapy, pre-marriage counceling or just therapy for yourself. Don't let his negativity bring you down. In six months, that is supposed to be the day that the both of you cry over, laugh over, and enjoy to your hearts extent.
If your weight is bringing you to a point where you know you need to lose it, get with some good girlfriends who will walk with you, do zumba with you, or better yet, find some classes at your local YMCA where you can meet supportive friends and exercise at the same time!
You can do this! I know you can, your self esteem is not who makes you, YOU! Your fiance is not who makes you, YOU! You need to have a man who loves you and supports you with no doubts through this. For life. Be happy with yourself before you ever make anyone else happy.
Love who you are.0 -
Thank you Ann ..
I think with marriage I am making the right choice .. I need to start a family .. and I feel I am ready now ..
I feel I AM with the right person ... in so many ways ..
It is just the weight issue that is AN ISSUE in our relationship !
He has never been overweight and he doesnt know how does it feel to look at your curves and cellulite in the mirror and just hate them .. I learned to be in peace with my body .. but I never stopped wishing for better ..
Sometimes I feel I am not sexy ,, and I pour that on him .. it is not the negative comments I hate .. it the lack of positive ones that kills me .. He doesnt say I am sexy enough .. may be .. and may be I was waiting for him to support me on that side !!!
It is my problem too .. I am not a committing type I never stuck to any diet for long enough ... I love my food and I hate to be depraved of anything ! 0 -
Hemlock ..
You feel unsexy because you are overweight, but you like to eat. You love your fiance, but you feel insecure around him because he's not sensitive about your anxiety about your weight and how that affects your attractiveness
that is exactly my problem ! thanks for putting it into words I can actually read !
I will start working out as much as I can ,, keep the ice cream and bakery away .. I wish I can just commit myself to something for long enough ..0 -
MuscleJunkieK .. it is deeper than it shows I know and it is my problem even before I met him ..
sometimes I freak out if I lost all the excess weight I will look even worse .. with all the saggy skin and horrible boobs .. then I think if I have a child I would gain more weight and i will hate myself and he will hate me .. ! I have been struggling with weight since i was 12 or something .. I am tall, large with big bones .. even at my ideal weight (which i hit years ago) I still look like a big girl0
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