My mom, my worst enemy

I can so relate to your pain. My stepMONSTER (bio mom died) used to sing, "Kelly Kelly two-by-four, can't fit through the open door" when I was like, 8 and a little chubby (dad never knew she did this, and he died when I was 16). She would also buy the "good" cereal (sugary stuff as a kid, is good!) and not "allow" me to have it, it was only for my brothers. So I grew up sneaking food and had a very unhealthy body/food image for YEARS. I look back at pictures now when I weighed 140 and thought I was fat!!! Now I would kill to weigh 140!!!

Anyways, I haven't seen/spoken to her in over 20 years. I sent her a letter once, spelling out all the horrible things she did to me but it came back undeliverable. Still, I felt better for having written it. If I had sought therapy I'm sure I could've gotten through it easier, but I "toughed" it out for years and only now (at 38) am starting to love myself and realize food is for nourishment and fuel, AND to be enjoyed. I work out and eat right for myself, and I don't hide or feel guilty if I want a treat.

Parents don't realize just how devastating words can be to their kids. I think you've done right to distance yourself from them, now just work on healing yourself. (((hugs)))

I also did not get the Mum I deserved especially when it comes to my weight! I learned to listen to my friends and positive people instead. For the last 18 months of her life my Mother was not able to say anything about my weight as it was coming off (about 80lbs of it anyway!) & so she never mentioned anything at all. It was hard for her not to say anything nasty but she had to just shut up! She is gone now for 3 months but I still miss the Mum I deserved & never got. Sometimes you have to separate yourself for your own good!
Keep at it for YOU!

My mother is exactly the same - she is a narcissistic mother. I finally have cut her out of my life completely and it is a huge weight off my shoulders. It is so hard when the person who is supposed to love you the most in the world cuts you to shreds instead. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and stay strong - you are not who your mother says you are!!

Stay strong. You ARE beautiful. Don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Remember this, if Betty Page or Norma Jean were here today they would both be considered "plus' sized. Lose the weight you want but remember.. real men love curves. No one want to drive a, ahem, hot rod down just a straight road. :blushing: We're all here to support you! Feel free to add me if you'd like.

I really relate to your situation! Growing up, I was put on diets from a young age by my mom because I wasn't up to par with other girls my age and she did nothing but compare me all the time. It screwed with my perception of my self, my confidence, and my metabolism. By age 26, I weighed 334 lbs. I finally stuck some distance between me and her and gave myself some time to heal (though I still don't think I have completely) and now she and I are doing better most days. I hope you find peace within yourself and know that you are above the situation!

Don't get me started on my mother. God love her, but one day she would be concerned about how I was eating too much; the next concerned that I was too thin and wasn't eating enough. I have been every size from a 2 to a 12, and I'm fully aware of what got me to whatever size I happen to be at the time. No need to let me know, Mom. She lays off me now, and it only took 30+ years!!!

I agree with degausser. Your mom's your biggest fan. Maybe you should call her and have a chat. My mother in-law has a daughter who is about 300 pounds and blames her mother for all of that, but it wasn't her mother feeding her spoonfuls of peanut butter dipped in sugar in the middle of the night. I wasn't there and I don't know why my sister in law is so fat that she had gestational diabetes and now type 2 diabetes. I never say anything about it because I'm sure she's in private agony. But if I were her mother, I would try to keep my child alive and healthy even if it meant telling the painful truth. Would you expect any loving mom who cares to feed you a bunch of baloney, and tell you that you look awesome in a sundress with your underarm fat hanging over it? Maybe your best friends will do that, and that's what they're for. But a mother has to be trusted to be a mirror and should be loved in return for showing you tough love. I hope things get better between you as you come to this realization.

Tough love is one thing but the approach is what matters and what makes the difference between hurting and truly helping! There's a HUGE difference between, "Honey, you are fat and lazy." and "Honey, lets go for a walk together." Oh, and like my mom did (mentioned earlier too) telling my I was chubby after she just had two helpings of dessert for dinner . . . effing double standard no? Being an EXAMPLE is the best way to teach someone . . . not rubbing their face it it!

Although my mom never said the things your mom did, I could never gain her acceptance or approval as a child or adult. I knew it was time to let go and move on with my life when she made me feel bad about losing a 100 pounds (basically the comment came down to "took you long enough...").

Once I stopped trying gain her support and approval and started thinking of her more as an acquaintance than a family member, I was able to let go of all the negativity and move forward in my life.

It wasn't family support that helped me get my weight off, it was the love of friends, the help of co-workers, and the support of the WW staff and members that got me through. So, to me, it sounds like you are where you need to be for support and understanding! :flowerforyou:

I agree with degausser. Your mom's your biggest fan. Maybe you should call her and have a chat. Would you expect any loving mom who cares to feed you a bunch of baloney, and tell you that you look awesome in a sundress with your underarm fat hanging over it? Maybe your best friends will do that, and that's what they're for. But a mother has to be trusted to be a mirror and should be loved in return for showing you tough love. I hope things get better between you as you come to this realization.

I completely disagree. There is a world of difference between tough love and psychological abuse. Some mothers do not know how to give constructive criticism let alone nurture. I grew up with one that made me, a high school athlete and straight A student, feel stupid, worthless and FAT at 5'3" and 120 lbs. It wasn't until I went to college and met other people's parents did I realize the degree of dysfunction in my own family.

I carried her "tough love" with me for the most my life like a millstone around my neck, and it wasn't until I hit my 30s that I learned to stand up to her and put her toxic garbage where it belongs-- with her. It is impossible to please someone who is never going to be happy with anything you do, and we all have a responsibility to live our best life not one of someone else's choosing.

Tough love is refusing to feed your kid junk food if he/she is putting on too much weight. Tough love is making your kids go outside to play and exercise if they're turning into mini couch potatoes. Tough love is taking away the xbox when they're not making their grades. Tough love is not tearing down your kid for every little failing. Tough love is not taking out your frustrations and insecurities with life/parenting/whatever on your kids and calling it disciplining them. Tough love is not screaming at your child that she'll be fat forever because she got an extra glass of milk at dinner time. (Yes, this happened and often when I was growing up.)

I am envious of people who had mothers who could be a "mirror of truth" without being destructive. I would have loved to know what it's like to trust a parent even. Unfortunately some of us had mothers who are only capable of being "fun house mirrors" who reflected nothing but distortions.

Parents, learn to encourage more and criticize less.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this -- not just now, during your adult life, but as a child, too. They say our looking glass self is developed when we are children. How others perceive us is how we perceive ourselves. And if we're consistently told we're "fat", "stupid", "ugly", etc (as I was by my grandmother and aunt), then we start to believe it. Though my grandmother and aunt have long since passed away, I still hear them both calling me (and I quote) "A fat *kitten* who will never amount to anything just like her mother"... 'scuse me. My mother worked 3 jobs while going to college full-time and supporting 2 children while avoiding a drunk of an ex-husband. She then raised those 2 children who turned into absolute hellions single-handedly while laying flat on her back after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis before the age of 50. I don't think my mother was a "fat *kitten*" and she amounted to a whole hell of a lot. Just because her mother didn't want her, doesn't me she didn't want me or my sister. I push the voices out my grandmother and aunt from my head daily and try really hard to replace them with my mother -- I wish I could share her with you. She has her moments like all parents, but 98% of the time, she's kind & supportive. I also understand your point about not having children of your own. I don't, either, and my sister tends to rub it in my face (though she doesn't see it that way). It makes things different for us and I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one out there with a similar circumstance. You have support whenever you need it. :drinker:

I'm trying so hard to work on mental fitness, as well as my physical fitness. Growing up i was told I was ugly, fat, stupid, lazy etc, by the one person who should have been showing me the most love. It makes it hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes without her words echoing in my head. I was never, "the skinny girl," I've always been big. My mom used to tell me I used to be small as a child, but got fat over night. These are not words to tell your child. I do not have any children of my own, therefore I feel like my weight is even more of a disgrace. I've tried so many times on my own to lose the weight, but I never had a support system. I now live over an hour away from my family, and have little contact with them, and I think it's for the best. Now I turn to MFP family for guidance, and support. Everybody's words of kindness on here are motivational, and touching. I don't know what I would do without this site. Thank you all. Strangers and friends a like.

Aww now that's just so rough for anybody to hear. My hope is that those words make you a fighter instead. Hit back by showing what you can and will do.

I completely understand how you feel. Over the years, my mother has put me down for my weight so many times. She, herself, never broke 100 lbs, unless she was pregnant, until she was over 30 years old so she just does not understand my weight issues. Any time I would mention a diet plan or my weight she would jump my case telling me that I wasn't fat and didn't need to diet. Yet two days later she would be making some snide, off-hand comment about how she didn't want to see my stomach because it was disgusting. At the time, I was still in high school and actually a healthy weight for my height (5'4", 140 lbs). The thing that hurt the most though was when she was cleaning out her closet after her last pregnancy (I was 15 years old) and she told me to pick out whatever I'd like to try on from her clothes. She then refused to let me try on anything pre-pregnancy and shoved a pile of her maternity clothes into my arms.

Invest in some therapy to purge some of that anxiety your mom so carelessly laid upon you. You are a beauty and don't ever believe anything less! Add me! Always looking for positive buddies.