Can I make you Laugh??!
Replies
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What kind of sea gulls live by the bay?
Bagels!! haha, somebody laugh!
I love corny jokes like this!
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
Tee hee0 -
Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.
Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like ****.
Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.0 -
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Also:
You know how when you see geese flying in formation, they're in a V-shape, but one side of the V is always longer than the other side. Do you know why that is?
A: There are more geese on that side.0 -
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Hehe.0 -
HOW THEY HAVE SEX
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.0 -
Nascar.
We're still telling jokes, right?0 -
Bump it up!0
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Two snowmen stood in a field.
One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell carrots?"0 -
Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.
Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like ****.
Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.0 -
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"0 -
whats a redneck virgin.....
a 7 yr old who can run faster then her brothers!0 -
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are sitting in a salon talking about their daughters.
When the brunette says " The other day I was going through my daughters room and found cigarettes! I can't believe she smokes! I've always told her not to!"
The redhead says : "Oh, that's nothing. I was going through my daughters room and found empty beer cans, I can't believe she's drinking!"
The blonde, not to be outdone, says: "You two have no idea! I was going through my daughter's room and found a used condom! I can't believe she has a penis!"
Also, youtube Gilbert Gottfried reads "Fifty Shades of Grey"0 -
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"0 -
A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.
The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.
In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.
He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.
"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"
The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."
As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.
The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.
But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.
The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.
"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.
The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."
The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.
"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.
"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."
And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.But I cannot tell you what that was, for you are not a monk.0 -
Awesome! ^^^0
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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"0 -
I wanted to freshen the air so I held a Certs up to a fan0
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A man from maine noticed that his neighbor kept standing on his farm all day not doing anything so he went up to him and asked him what he was doing, his neighbor replied "I'm trying to get a noble peace prize for being "out-standing" in my field.
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler.. I woke up exhausted!
Why do men get all their good ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius :laugh:0 -
A man is driving a van all crazy down the road. He gets pulled over by a cop and the cop notices the bus is filled with ducks. The cop says, “You cant be serious! No wonder youre driving like a maniac swerving all over the road. You have all these ducks going nuts in here! I want you to take these ducks to the zoo, NOW!”
The next day the same man is driving the same van down the same road and is pulled over by the same cop for driving the same way. As he approaches the van he notices the ducks are in the van again, this time wearing sunglasses.
The cop screams at the driver, “I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!!!!!!!”
The driver responds, “I did! They loved it! Now I’m taking them to the beach!”0 -
How do you keep a moron in suspense?0
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How? Ive got to know? What is the answer to that question?0
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A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"0 -
This one is actually an original thought: Men talk to women to sleep with them. Women sleep with men to be talked to.0
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Well played. But I seriously dont know. Dying to find out though.How? Ive got to know? What is the answer to that question?0 -
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.0 -
This one is actually an original thought: Men talk to women to sleep with them. Women sleep with men to be talked to.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA. That is so true it is not even funny! The DEFINITION of Irony!0 -
REally i dont even cuddle after sex. leave me alone i have had my fun now is sleepy time.This one is actually an original thought: Men talk to women to sleep with them. Women sleep with men to be talked to.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA. That is so true it is not even funny! The DEFINITION of Irony!0 -
Cuddle? Im not familiar with this terminology. Leave me alone with my nut all over your face.
REally i dont even cuddle after sex. leave me alone i have had my fun now is sleepy time.This one is actually an original thought: Men talk to women to sleep with them. Women sleep with men to be talked to.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA. That is so true it is not even funny! The DEFINITION of Irony!0 -
EWWW thats gross.0
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Oh I know! I just lookd up Cuddling in the dictionary. Totally gross.EWWW thats gross.0
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