Advice from ones with a S/O!

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chunkylover22
chunkylover22 Posts: 162 Member
in Motivation and Support
Okay, how do I start this?....... short, simple and to the point........


I am engaged to be married, and I want to drop 30 pounds (at least). I have been trying to eat better and work out 5 times a week. The problem is that my SO is not exactly on the same boat as me. I want to cut out eating out at restaurants, but when he always wants to go out and eat, I suggest a healthier option and it causes an argument. I ALWAYS over eat when at a restaurant. I also made him a MFP page (that he never uses). I also work out alone, and that is hard sometimes. I'm losing and he is gaining. I want us to do this journey together, but don't know how to approach the situation, because it always causes an argument. NEED ADVICE........
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Replies

  • BLSaw
    BLSaw Posts: 216 Member
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    this will always cuase an argument unless you are both on board 100% and both are working towards the same goals!!!! So you need to tell him, Look i am doing this, you can come along, or i can drag your *kitten* kicking and screaming mister!!!!!! Thats just my opinion :)
  • 3LittleMonkeyMom
    3LittleMonkeyMom Posts: 259
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    Possibly think of having half of your meal boxed up before you begin eating?

    It doesn't sound like he is very supportive, so if this is who you choose, you know you are the one who will have to think outside of the box to continue this journey. :) You can do it.
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
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    If you want it you should do it for you. If he doesn't want to help and you force him he's always going to drag you back. Do what you need to and in time he might follow your lead.

    As for restaurants, check menus before you go, just have a main course. Chose the best option before you go and stick to it. Drink water and if you want n alcoholic drink, vodka and diet soda of some kind. Or a small glass of wine.

    :-)
  • urfitnesspal2
    urfitnesspal2 Posts: 62 Member
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    Try not to force it on him. When he sees your progress, he may decide to jump on board with you- without you having to say anything to him. Consider: if he was into a healthier diet than you would you want him pressuring and commenting all the time about your food choices? Good luck :)
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
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    The short version? You can't fix or manipulate or influence 'want-to'. If your Fiance does not 'want' to do this with you, nothing you can say will correct that, or change it.

    Do you want to try an coerce somebody into participating in something you hold dear? Are you okay with 'talking him into' caring about this journey you wish to start?

    I believe the simple truth is this: Without both partners committed towards a course of action one of two outcomes will happen:

    First possible outcome: You will do this alone. You might build resentment he hasn't supported you the way you want him to - he might build resentment you care more about your 'diet' than you do him - his wants/needs.

    Second possible outcome: You will cave and go back to eating in a way you now feel isn't healthy.

    Work with your fiance - help him see the importance of bending his will and behaviour into something you're concerned about. Because unless he has buy-in, 100%, it could mean trouble. Scratch that. It WILL mean trouble.
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 1,005 Member
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    Let him know that even if he doesn't want to join you that he must be supportive of your efforts. And if he is like this about this issue, how will he support other future goals you may hope to accomplish??? Supportive is supportive, no matter what you are trying to achieve. I think you need to talk to him (and setting up a page for him is not going to force him along...people do this because THEY WANT TO and for no other reason) and not right after he suggests going out to eat. And agree to go out with him to dinners etc, just have him allow you to pick where you go to ensure they have a menu that suits your dietary needs. I was on the road all last week and managed to find healthy alternatives....even at a chicken wing joint (it wasn't the best as far as quality, but it was some thing besides wings :) ) Most places will double your steamed veggies in place of potato etc.
  • Jenniferrose194
    Jenniferrose194 Posts: 33 Member
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    I am in the same situation as you... Mine started out doing Insanity with me, but then dropped out on me and refuses to eat healthier. When we do go out, I just try to eat slower and it really does help. Also, it took me a long time to grasp the concept that you do NOT have to clean your plate completely and had to teach myself to stop eating when I begin to feel full.

    Good luck with your journey, and I hope you can convince to jump in with you :)
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
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    Come straight out and tell him that this is what you are doing for YOU! He can either join you or just support you but, YOU need to do this. The big arguement there may be that he might think you dont need to but, you tell him you feel like you need to do a little to get in shape or be healthier, not necessarily to lose weight.

    I have an issue with my husband too, eventhough he WANTS to lose weight. But, he knows what I am trying to do and that I have made progress so, he at least supports me, whether he joins me or not...LOL! Unfortunately, iit is going to probably just YOU for a bit and then one day, he may jsut say, "Can I come with you?"

    GOOD LUCK and make sure you try to be open with him and just ask for his support, not necessarliy to join you.
  • stfriend
    stfriend Posts: 256 Member
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    Maybe just try phrasing things in a way that doesn't sound "diet" to him. "Ok, lets go out to eat, but can we try a new restaurant?" And then suggest a place where you know sells healthier options. I wouldn't argue about it either. Simply put your foot down if its somewhere you don't want to go. You aren't doing yourself or him any favors by going somewhere (constantly) that you don't want to go. If you keep on this way you'll be miserable before you're married.
  • jchrisman717
    jchrisman717 Posts: 780 Member
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    Yea - I have the same problem with my husband and frankly if he isn't wanting to do this journey with you - you can't force him or convince him. You have to decide to do it for you no matter what he chooses. I sat my husband down and said "Look if we can just eat healthy for 2 months, if for just two months you can support me on this, I can do the rest on my own." I knew I needed to jump start and it was very hard for me when he wanted to eat Pizza and Mexican and Pasta every day. He said he would -- but guess what - that lasted two days and then he talked me into going out to eat pizza -- which I'm a big girl so I thought I would just eat less - well that's hard for me to do and I ended up eating quite a bit more than I wanted THEN he actually sat there and ate an ice cream nuttie cone in front of me the whole time going "yum this is so good." Then tried to act like he didn't know why I was upset. I decided at that point I was on my own. I do my logging and menu plans and if he wants something other to eat I told him to stop and get it on his way home from work. Since I started doing the Insanity program, I've had much better control over my appetite so the other day when he wanted pizza I said ok, I'll just get a salad and I did. He actually told me he thought I was starving myself. I had to laugh and I told him don't worry I'm far from starving. We bought Insanity because it was supposed to be our thing to do together. He did it two days and then kept making excuses so I picked it up and am doing it on my own. Why he acts like this - I don't know. But I do know that I have control over me and my situation but cannot control his so I don't try anymore and I'm much happier now!
  • chunkylover22
    chunkylover22 Posts: 162 Member
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    Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice! He is being supportive, in a way. He tells me how good I am doing and things like that. I don't feel it is right to force someone to join me. But I don't want to leave him behind, But I also don't want to get dragged down. He mostly just makes excuses for his unhealthy habits... I guess I will just continue on my journey and hope he follows. Maybe I need to be more encouraging..
  • littlejobo120
    littlejobo120 Posts: 72 Member
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    I also have a S/O who's not on the same journey. I am lucky enough to have his support but it is hard sometimes when him and his son are there eating sooo much junk food around me and having to try and fit workouts in around the times he wants meals and what not.

    With regards to him wanting to go out all the time, could you put it to him that you would be better saving the money for the wedding than on all the food?

    It is hard when you don't get the support from home but as he begins to see the results of all your hard work he may come round.

    Feel free to add me if you like. I try to offer as much encouragement as I can. XX
  • MizzTatiana
    MizzTatiana Posts: 116 Member
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    So I have been married about 2.5 years now and when I met my husband, he looked like a real life Ken doll with muscles on top of muscles and then some. I was a least 35 lbs overweight. I made the changes to get healthier and lost about 25 lbs. Then I got pregnant.... He stoped everything.... I mean he went from going to the gym 5 times a week to binging on Pringles and creme horns. His diet is atrocious, he eats stuff he NEVER would've touched before, and his body reflects it. (compared to what it used to be, though he's still not real fat or anything YET) We both gained a massive amount of weight (and he lost most of his muscle tone). And here's the kicker, he still commented on MY weight. Gave me dirty looks for the late night snacks (that were his idea), or delish but fattening second serving of dinner... Finally, I recently started working on myself again and I've lost about 24 lbs so far (before I found MFP) and while he's really pleased with the results, he still brings home the Pringles to munch while sitting in front of the tube, still takes us to Burger King for the after church lunch.... We did the fighting and yelling thing back in the begining, when I first started my weight loss journey. It was hard, I craved my late night snacks with him, and he sits there oblivious to my loathing because he's so involved in his apple pie. It's gotton easier now. I don't crave so much, I know how to just walk away when I need to. Now that he's seeing the results, he's cut back (a TINY bit) and lost a good pound or two himself. It's a lot of mixed emotions, cus while I want to look good for HIM, he doesn't really care enough to help me in the ways I need it most.
    Point: You can't argue with him, or make him change. You won't win that battle. While it sucks that your guy isn't very supportive, think about what your'e asking of him. A LIFESTYLE change! It's not like your saying, "hey can we watch MY show tonight?" It's an ENTIRE LIFESTYLE change. No one's gonna do that until and unless they are ready. JUST LIKE YOU!! Best you can do is learn to adapt. Go out to eat, be smart about it, there's TONS of articles on the topic.... Walk away when you need to. And find another (GIRL!) friend to work out with, men are no fun to work out with anyway! It will get easier!!!
  • jcpmoore
    jcpmoore Posts: 796 Member
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    Welcome to marriage, hon. This is what it's like. There are going to be things you want to accomplish that he's not interesting in at all. You need to be okay with that. You both have choices to make.

    Why does he want to eat out all the time? Does he just want to spend time with you? Ask him if there are other things he would enjoy as well. Perhaps you could compromise. Eat out sometimes and do other things sometimes (museums, hikes, movies, whatever). If you take the initiative to plan other events before he plans eating out, you might find he has less need for the latter.

    If he really wants to go out, do it without being resentful. Remember-this is about spending time, not eating food. Order a salad and call it good. Or, if you want something else, then ask for half your meal boxed up at the start. Don't be shy-you're not the first one to ask it I promise. You have to choose to learn control in a restaurant.

    Don't pressure him about dieting. Lay off trying to get him on MFP. If he doesn't want it, he's going to resent the constant pressure. Let it be. If you want him to get exercise, find a more creative way. Do you live near a boardwalk or anything that would enable you to have a "walking date"? Set it up without making it obvious.

    Remember, you've chosen this journey. Don't try to drag him down the path with you. Your relationship is about spending time with one another so make it happen in a way that works for both of you.

    HTH
  • laurensgettingfit
    laurensgettingfit Posts: 41 Member
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    totally agree with the post about co-ercion. Do not even go there, that's asking for a break up! Men don't like to be pushed into a corner, well at least not my husband!

    I am doing it on my own and even though hubby should be doing it with me for health reasons, my goal isn't to change him its to change me. I have to come to realise that my happiness isn't dependent on someone else, its dependent on me and my attitudes so I don't need to change him to be happy with myself and my life. What's the saying, if you don't love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? So for me, the change starts with me :)
  • staceyd90
    staceyd90 Posts: 43
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    I'm in the opposite boat, my boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from depression and has lost a lot of weight as of late (not helped by the fact he has work invisible braces for a year so ate 3 meals a day and didn't snack at all) so im trying to lose while he's trying to gain, its almost like we are swapping diets as i love chocolate and he likes fruit. its hard, we are going in separate directions, but he is supporting me, trying to not eat fatty foods in front of me, and telling me i don't "need" that bit of cake etc, while i try to help him by reminding him its time for him to eat something. Its a hard journey but you need to make him see that while he doesn't have to follow you, he NEEDS to show his support, but that's what marriage should be about, not agreeing with what the other is doing always, but trying to support them anyway :)
  • aegisprncs
    aegisprncs Posts: 240 Member
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    I've been at this since Jan 17th and my husband is still continuing on as his normal self. I've changed what I eat and the portions. I work out 5-6 times a week. This path is about me. If I cook, I cook healthy and he does eat it. If we go out, I make appropriate choices for me and he gets what he wants If he's having something absolutely sinful, I will have one bite and savor it. While I would like him to get into it for health reasons, it is his choice not to do it and it's my choice to do it. I am just lucky to have a husband that is VERY supportive of my path in many ways, even if he isn't ready for it himself. Only we can make a choice for ourselves.
  • lindab142
    lindab142 Posts: 16
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    I wish I could donate a few pounds to my dh. He showed me yesterday his belt doesn't fit right, it's too big. Sometimes he only eats 1x a day.

    Recently I decided to watch what I eat and hope to be adding exercise soon to a routine in my new eating behaviors. I'm a slow starter.

    We've been married 38 years and this is 1 of the things I do on my own. I can't change him to do what I want to do. He's the one who cooks, too. Last time I went grocery shopping and he saw yogurt, fruit and Healthy Choice frozen (great for lunch for me), he said, "I don't see anything except diet food." I asked him not to buy cookies and sweets and so far so good.

    This is a choice you made for you. Hopefully, he can be supportive without walking the same path.

    Best wishes.
  • ShreddedTweet
    ShreddedTweet Posts: 1,326 Member
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    My SO isn't on board, he's pretty unhealthy but not overweight. I'm not overweight either but I do want to be healthy and fit! Anyway, the restaurant thing shouldn't be a problem if you have resolve and a bit of willpower...you can get healthier versions of almost anything. Don't try and force him to change, after all you fell in love with him the way he is. Maybe he'll want to change a bit more once he sees your results!
  • ohmariposa
    ohmariposa Posts: 372 Member
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    My experience is that they come around...I think at first my DH thought I was just fooling around with MFP and wasn't going to stick with it...but now he knows. It has been a year and he is finally starting to come around. He has given up sugar drinks, eats more veggies and just is making better choices. All changes take time in life. The reteraunt thing is for you to control---just say no to bread basket :smile:

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