Advice from ones with a S/O!
chunkylover22
Posts: 162 Member
Okay, how do I start this?....... short, simple and to the point........
I am engaged to be married, and I want to drop 30 pounds (at least). I have been trying to eat better and work out 5 times a week. The problem is that my SO is not exactly on the same boat as me. I want to cut out eating out at restaurants, but when he always wants to go out and eat, I suggest a healthier option and it causes an argument. I ALWAYS over eat when at a restaurant. I also made him a MFP page (that he never uses). I also work out alone, and that is hard sometimes. I'm losing and he is gaining. I want us to do this journey together, but don't know how to approach the situation, because it always causes an argument. NEED ADVICE........
I am engaged to be married, and I want to drop 30 pounds (at least). I have been trying to eat better and work out 5 times a week. The problem is that my SO is not exactly on the same boat as me. I want to cut out eating out at restaurants, but when he always wants to go out and eat, I suggest a healthier option and it causes an argument. I ALWAYS over eat when at a restaurant. I also made him a MFP page (that he never uses). I also work out alone, and that is hard sometimes. I'm losing and he is gaining. I want us to do this journey together, but don't know how to approach the situation, because it always causes an argument. NEED ADVICE........
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Replies
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this will always cuase an argument unless you are both on board 100% and both are working towards the same goals!!!! So you need to tell him, Look i am doing this, you can come along, or i can drag your *kitten* kicking and screaming mister!!!!!! Thats just my opinion
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Possibly think of having half of your meal boxed up before you begin eating?
It doesn't sound like he is very supportive, so if this is who you choose, you know you are the one who will have to think outside of the box to continue this journey. You can do it. 0 -
If you want it you should do it for you. If he doesn't want to help and you force him he's always going to drag you back. Do what you need to and in time he might follow your lead.
As for restaurants, check menus before you go, just have a main course. Chose the best option before you go and stick to it. Drink water and if you want n alcoholic drink, vodka and diet soda of some kind. Or a small glass of wine.
:-)0 -
Try not to force it on him. When he sees your progress, he may decide to jump on board with you- without you having to say anything to him. Consider: if he was into a healthier diet than you would you want him pressuring and commenting all the time about your food choices? Good luck 0
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The short version? You can't fix or manipulate or influence 'want-to'. If your Fiance does not 'want' to do this with you, nothing you can say will correct that, or change it.
Do you want to try an coerce somebody into participating in something you hold dear? Are you okay with 'talking him into' caring about this journey you wish to start?
I believe the simple truth is this: Without both partners committed towards a course of action one of two outcomes will happen:
First possible outcome: You will do this alone. You might build resentment he hasn't supported you the way you want him to - he might build resentment you care more about your 'diet' than you do him - his wants/needs.
Second possible outcome: You will cave and go back to eating in a way you now feel isn't healthy.
Work with your fiance - help him see the importance of bending his will and behaviour into something you're concerned about. Because unless he has buy-in, 100%, it could mean trouble. Scratch that. It WILL mean trouble.0 -
Let him know that even if he doesn't want to join you that he must be supportive of your efforts. And if he is like this about this issue, how will he support other future goals you may hope to accomplish??? Supportive is supportive, no matter what you are trying to achieve. I think you need to talk to him (and setting up a page for him is not going to force him along...people do this because THEY WANT TO and for no other reason) and not right after he suggests going out to eat. And agree to go out with him to dinners etc, just have him allow you to pick where you go to ensure they have a menu that suits your dietary needs. I was on the road all last week and managed to find healthy alternatives....even at a chicken wing joint (it wasn't the best as far as quality, but it was some thing besides wings ) Most places will double your steamed veggies in place of potato etc. 0
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I am in the same situation as you... Mine started out doing Insanity with me, but then dropped out on me and refuses to eat healthier. When we do go out, I just try to eat slower and it really does help. Also, it took me a long time to grasp the concept that you do NOT have to clean your plate completely and had to teach myself to stop eating when I begin to feel full.
Good luck with your journey, and I hope you can convince to jump in with you 0 -
Come straight out and tell him that this is what you are doing for YOU! He can either join you or just support you but, YOU need to do this. The big arguement there may be that he might think you dont need to but, you tell him you feel like you need to do a little to get in shape or be healthier, not necessarily to lose weight.
I have an issue with my husband too, eventhough he WANTS to lose weight. But, he knows what I am trying to do and that I have made progress so, he at least supports me, whether he joins me or not...LOL! Unfortunately, iit is going to probably just YOU for a bit and then one day, he may jsut say, "Can I come with you?"
GOOD LUCK and make sure you try to be open with him and just ask for his support, not necessarliy to join you.0 -
Maybe just try phrasing things in a way that doesn't sound "diet" to him. "Ok, lets go out to eat, but can we try a new restaurant?" And then suggest a place where you know sells healthier options. I wouldn't argue about it either. Simply put your foot down if its somewhere you don't want to go. You aren't doing yourself or him any favors by going somewhere (constantly) that you don't want to go. If you keep on this way you'll be miserable before you're married.0
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Yea - I have the same problem with my husband and frankly if he isn't wanting to do this journey with you - you can't force him or convince him. You have to decide to do it for you no matter what he chooses. I sat my husband down and said "Look if we can just eat healthy for 2 months, if for just two months you can support me on this, I can do the rest on my own." I knew I needed to jump start and it was very hard for me when he wanted to eat Pizza and Mexican and Pasta every day. He said he would -- but guess what - that lasted two days and then he talked me into going out to eat pizza -- which I'm a big girl so I thought I would just eat less - well that's hard for me to do and I ended up eating quite a bit more than I wanted THEN he actually sat there and ate an ice cream nuttie cone in front of me the whole time going "yum this is so good." Then tried to act like he didn't know why I was upset. I decided at that point I was on my own. I do my logging and menu plans and if he wants something other to eat I told him to stop and get it on his way home from work. Since I started doing the Insanity program, I've had much better control over my appetite so the other day when he wanted pizza I said ok, I'll just get a salad and I did. He actually told me he thought I was starving myself. I had to laugh and I told him don't worry I'm far from starving. We bought Insanity because it was supposed to be our thing to do together. He did it two days and then kept making excuses so I picked it up and am doing it on my own. Why he acts like this - I don't know. But I do know that I have control over me and my situation but cannot control his so I don't try anymore and I'm much happier now!0
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Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice! He is being supportive, in a way. He tells me how good I am doing and things like that. I don't feel it is right to force someone to join me. But I don't want to leave him behind, But I also don't want to get dragged down. He mostly just makes excuses for his unhealthy habits... I guess I will just continue on my journey and hope he follows. Maybe I need to be more encouraging..0
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I also have a S/O who's not on the same journey. I am lucky enough to have his support but it is hard sometimes when him and his son are there eating sooo much junk food around me and having to try and fit workouts in around the times he wants meals and what not.
With regards to him wanting to go out all the time, could you put it to him that you would be better saving the money for the wedding than on all the food?
It is hard when you don't get the support from home but as he begins to see the results of all your hard work he may come round.
Feel free to add me if you like. I try to offer as much encouragement as I can. XX0 -
So I have been married about 2.5 years now and when I met my husband, he looked like a real life Ken doll with muscles on top of muscles and then some. I was a least 35 lbs overweight. I made the changes to get healthier and lost about 25 lbs. Then I got pregnant.... He stoped everything.... I mean he went from going to the gym 5 times a week to binging on Pringles and creme horns. His diet is atrocious, he eats stuff he NEVER would've touched before, and his body reflects it. (compared to what it used to be, though he's still not real fat or anything YET) We both gained a massive amount of weight (and he lost most of his muscle tone). And here's the kicker, he still commented on MY weight. Gave me dirty looks for the late night snacks (that were his idea), or delish but fattening second serving of dinner... Finally, I recently started working on myself again and I've lost about 24 lbs so far (before I found MFP) and while he's really pleased with the results, he still brings home the Pringles to munch while sitting in front of the tube, still takes us to Burger King for the after church lunch.... We did the fighting and yelling thing back in the begining, when I first started my weight loss journey. It was hard, I craved my late night snacks with him, and he sits there oblivious to my loathing because he's so involved in his apple pie. It's gotton easier now. I don't crave so much, I know how to just walk away when I need to. Now that he's seeing the results, he's cut back (a TINY bit) and lost a good pound or two himself. It's a lot of mixed emotions, cus while I want to look good for HIM, he doesn't really care enough to help me in the ways I need it most.
Point: You can't argue with him, or make him change. You won't win that battle. While it sucks that your guy isn't very supportive, think about what your'e asking of him. A LIFESTYLE change! It's not like your saying, "hey can we watch MY show tonight?" It's an ENTIRE LIFESTYLE change. No one's gonna do that until and unless they are ready. JUST LIKE YOU!! Best you can do is learn to adapt. Go out to eat, be smart about it, there's TONS of articles on the topic.... Walk away when you need to. And find another (GIRL!) friend to work out with, men are no fun to work out with anyway! It will get easier!!!0 -
Welcome to marriage, hon. This is what it's like. There are going to be things you want to accomplish that he's not interesting in at all. You need to be okay with that. You both have choices to make.
Why does he want to eat out all the time? Does he just want to spend time with you? Ask him if there are other things he would enjoy as well. Perhaps you could compromise. Eat out sometimes and do other things sometimes (museums, hikes, movies, whatever). If you take the initiative to plan other events before he plans eating out, you might find he has less need for the latter.
If he really wants to go out, do it without being resentful. Remember-this is about spending time, not eating food. Order a salad and call it good. Or, if you want something else, then ask for half your meal boxed up at the start. Don't be shy-you're not the first one to ask it I promise. You have to choose to learn control in a restaurant.
Don't pressure him about dieting. Lay off trying to get him on MFP. If he doesn't want it, he's going to resent the constant pressure. Let it be. If you want him to get exercise, find a more creative way. Do you live near a boardwalk or anything that would enable you to have a "walking date"? Set it up without making it obvious.
Remember, you've chosen this journey. Don't try to drag him down the path with you. Your relationship is about spending time with one another so make it happen in a way that works for both of you.
HTH0 -
totally agree with the post about co-ercion. Do not even go there, that's asking for a break up! Men don't like to be pushed into a corner, well at least not my husband!
I am doing it on my own and even though hubby should be doing it with me for health reasons, my goal isn't to change him its to change me. I have to come to realise that my happiness isn't dependent on someone else, its dependent on me and my attitudes so I don't need to change him to be happy with myself and my life. What's the saying, if you don't love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? So for me, the change starts with me 0 -
I'm in the opposite boat, my boyfriend of 3 years is suffering from depression and has lost a lot of weight as of late (not helped by the fact he has work invisible braces for a year so ate 3 meals a day and didn't snack at all) so im trying to lose while he's trying to gain, its almost like we are swapping diets as i love chocolate and he likes fruit. its hard, we are going in separate directions, but he is supporting me, trying to not eat fatty foods in front of me, and telling me i don't "need" that bit of cake etc, while i try to help him by reminding him its time for him to eat something. Its a hard journey but you need to make him see that while he doesn't have to follow you, he NEEDS to show his support, but that's what marriage should be about, not agreeing with what the other is doing always, but trying to support them anyway 0
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I've been at this since Jan 17th and my husband is still continuing on as his normal self. I've changed what I eat and the portions. I work out 5-6 times a week. This path is about me. If I cook, I cook healthy and he does eat it. If we go out, I make appropriate choices for me and he gets what he wants If he's having something absolutely sinful, I will have one bite and savor it. While I would like him to get into it for health reasons, it is his choice not to do it and it's my choice to do it. I am just lucky to have a husband that is VERY supportive of my path in many ways, even if he isn't ready for it himself. Only we can make a choice for ourselves.0
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I wish I could donate a few pounds to my dh. He showed me yesterday his belt doesn't fit right, it's too big. Sometimes he only eats 1x a day.
Recently I decided to watch what I eat and hope to be adding exercise soon to a routine in my new eating behaviors. I'm a slow starter.
We've been married 38 years and this is 1 of the things I do on my own. I can't change him to do what I want to do. He's the one who cooks, too. Last time I went grocery shopping and he saw yogurt, fruit and Healthy Choice frozen (great for lunch for me), he said, "I don't see anything except diet food." I asked him not to buy cookies and sweets and so far so good.
This is a choice you made for you. Hopefully, he can be supportive without walking the same path.
Best wishes.0 -
My SO isn't on board, he's pretty unhealthy but not overweight. I'm not overweight either but I do want to be healthy and fit! Anyway, the restaurant thing shouldn't be a problem if you have resolve and a bit of willpower...you can get healthier versions of almost anything. Don't try and force him to change, after all you fell in love with him the way he is. Maybe he'll want to change a bit more once he sees your results!0
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My experience is that they come around...I think at first my DH thought I was just fooling around with MFP and wasn't going to stick with it...but now he knows. It has been a year and he is finally starting to come around. He has given up sugar drinks, eats more veggies and just is making better choices. All changes take time in life. The reteraunt thing is for you to control---just say no to bread basket 0
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My husband is not working out with me or anything but if I want to go to a restaurant with healthier food, we usually end up going there. I have been able to find something pretty healthy on pretty much any menu though. It helps to check the menu and nutrition info before going out to eat He also eats the same dinner meals as me since I cook our dinner but I usually just cook some rice or noodles and add it to his meal since I am sure just meat and veggies would leave him hungry. Support really is everything and I am thankful that my husband supports me so much. I don't think they have to do the same exact thing as you in order to support you but I sure hope they would at least make an effort even if they are just cheering from the sidelines 0
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I feel your pain. My boyfriend is naturally slim and he wants to go out to eat often. Luckily, he is very encouraging and likes how I am trying to be healthy. Try planning a meal yourself and purchasing all of the ingredients and then cooking it together--planning and buying is half the work, and probably the half that he doesn't want to do. Or, when you do go out to eat, check the menu online beforehand and look up the nutritional information too. If you want to eat only a portion of what you order and have trouble controlling yourself, share an entree with your fiance or divide the meal in half and ask for it to be boxed up before you even start eating. As far as working out together goes, I find that one can be a bit more difficult. You might have luck trying to do something sports or competition oriented. Even playing golf together and walking would be a good start!0
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Thanks everyone, this has really helped me!!0
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Try cooking at home using healthy recipes. I have cookbooks and watch cooking shows and now enjoy eating in. I don't always have time for extravagant meals, but if you buy the foods ahead of time I'm sure you can find a meal that you don't mind making. This saves both of you from the high calorie foods that restaurants offer.0
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My suggestion is work into this slowly. Reach an agreement on how many times you are going to eat out per week (I assume this is dinners only.) Maybe 2X per week. Then to be fair - he picks the place one time, and you pick the place the next time. On the days that he picks the place, you will have to plan for calories at that meal, by saving calories from other meals, and exercising beforehand. On the day that you pick the restaurant, you can pick a healthier place. Many places have menus posted online so you can approximate the dish using the MFP calorie counters. Most places have main dish salads available or you can order an appetizer and a small salad. Try to focus on the experience of being out, rather than the food. I try to plan my meals at the beginning of the day, then I just have to stick to the plan as much as I can.0
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Okay, how do I start this?....... short, simple and to the point........
I am engaged to be married, and I want to drop 30 pounds (at least). I have been trying to eat better and work out 5 times a week. The problem is that my SO is not exactly on the same boat as me. I want to cut out eating out at restaurants, but when he always wants to go out and eat, I suggest a healthier option and it causes an argument. I ALWAYS over eat when at a restaurant. I also made him a MFP page (that he never uses). I also work out alone, and that is hard sometimes. I'm losing and he is gaining. I want us to do this journey together, but don't know how to approach the situation, because it always causes an argument. NEED ADVICE........
I know this is not what you're wanting to hear, but if he's not in agreement that he needs a lifestyle change then he will be unwilling to do this journey "together." You might want to consider "tough love." If he says, "I want to eat out." Respond by saying something like "You can eat out but I am not going to because I'm focused on making better food an lifestyle choices which will enable me to lose weight and be healthy. Just refuse to go and if he gets mad and acts like a baby you might want to begin to ask yourself if he's really the one you want to spend forever with.
I've been married for 7 years and my wife and I support each others life goals and ambitions. We don't always do them together and we don't usually work out together and that's okay. She prefers to ride the recumbent exercise bike and I prefer to be in the pool, but we are each others biggest fans and for any marriage to have staying power and truly be successful, each person has to be the other persons biggest fan and support system. He needs to respect your desire to make better choices for your health and weight loss even if he doesn't want to make those same choices for himself.0 -
do it for you!
if he doesn't want to do it, just let him do what he wants to do.
I know it sucks working out alone, but although me and my partner go at the same time, i'm off doing my thing and he goes and does his weights. I just zone out i do bug him from time to time :laugh:
As for the eating out issue, check menus online. Maybe have a starter as a main?0
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