Uncle got married and didn't tell me.
InnerFatGirl
Posts: 2,687 Member
So, I just found out through Facebook, of all things, that my (paternal) Uncle just got married. He didn't tell me, nor invite me. I'm not going to lie, it really hurts and it's made me cry.
My Dad abandoned me when I was 12, and I've had barely any contact with that side of the family (not through lack of trying from my end, trust me, I tried) since then. The last time I saw my Uncle was in Feb 2011, when my dear Nana died and I was down for the funeral.
This feels like another stab, they already treat me like a stranger, despite us being REALLY close as children. Funny how people can forget you so quickly. This just confirms it.
Why am I posting this? Well, I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Besides, what do I do? I've already messaged him, but I'm really feeling like deleting him and just forgetting about that side of the family. I love them so much it hurts, but they make it clear enough that I am not welcome anymore.
My Dad abandoned me when I was 12, and I've had barely any contact with that side of the family (not through lack of trying from my end, trust me, I tried) since then. The last time I saw my Uncle was in Feb 2011, when my dear Nana died and I was down for the funeral.
This feels like another stab, they already treat me like a stranger, despite us being REALLY close as children. Funny how people can forget you so quickly. This just confirms it.
Why am I posting this? Well, I guess I just need to get it off my chest. Besides, what do I do? I've already messaged him, but I'm really feeling like deleting him and just forgetting about that side of the family. I love them so much it hurts, but they make it clear enough that I am not welcome anymore.
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Replies
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That's ****ed up, I'm sorry.0
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I don't really know what to make of this. It is unclear how much of a relationship you have with your dad's brother. You saw him just over a year ago. Have you have much Facebook, phone, email contact?
If you don't have much contact with your dad's side of the family, this seems like behavior that is to be expected.
I am sure that there's hurt there because it is family, and it is normal to feel that way, so I don't want to make it seem like I am discounting that. But frequency of contact is a relevant consideration and the depth of your existing relationship matters.0 -
Is he a distance away?
When I got married many years ago, I didn't invite people who lived a long distance away. That was because I didn't want them to feel obligated to get me a gift, when I knew it was impractical for them to come.
Could it possibly be something like that?0 -
Maybe he didn't do it in bad intention. Some people just value these things different. I for example wouldn't think of inviting cousins, aunts, uncles to my wedding ... for me this is something entitrely between myself, my partner and maybe our parents and siblings ... I don't fancy big weddings at all and would never think that someone would be hurt by how I celebrate my wedding ...
Don't be hurt, it's usually not worth being hurt by the behaviour of others ...0 -
Thank you, everyone, for the kind words and support. It is very valued.
My Uncle and I were very close as children. We grew up together. Up until my Dad disowned me, I was very much a part of the family.
To the poster who asked, we've not had much contact since we last saw each other. He, they, (he has a twin) literally treat me like a stranger. I try to discuss family memories with them and they say 'they can't remember'. I'm not going to go into it (too personal), but something pretty big happened before my Dad disowned me.
I still feel like I am being punished for it. I am not sure what to think or feel. Everything is messed up
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Maybe he didn't do it in bad intention. Some people just value these things different. I for example wouldn't think of inviting cousins, aunts, uncles to my wedding ... for me this is something entitrely between myself, my partner and maybe our parents and siblings ... I don't fancy big weddings at all and would never think that someone would be hurt by how I celebrate my wedding ...
Don't be hurt, it's usually not worth being hurt by the behaviour of others ...
Other cousins were there, friends etc...
And I'm his little niece, his brother's daughter. He should have at least told me he was getting married.
Of course it hurts. Nothing will stop it from being hurtful. I can accept it, or not, but it will still hurt.0 -
Is he a distance away?
When I got married many years ago, I didn't invite people who lived a long distance away. That was because I didn't want them to feel obligated to get me a gift, when I knew it was impractical for them to come.
Could it possibly be something like that?
Yes, he lives in the North of England and I live in London.
He still could have told me, though
it's just like I don't even enter their thoughts at all. If it weren't for all the pictures I have, I'd have thought we never even knew each other as children. They were in their 20s when my Dad left me. 0 -
I don't really know what to make of this. It is unclear how much of a relationship you have with your dad's brother. You saw him just over a year ago. Have you have much Facebook, phone, email contact?
If you don't have much contact with your dad's side of the family, this seems like behavior that is to be expected.
I am sure that there's hurt there because it is family, and it is normal to feel that way, so I don't want to make it seem like I am discounting that. But frequency of contact is a relevant consideration and the depth of your existing relationship matters.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we haven't had much contact. It's very awkward and it's painful.0 -
My thoughts? Take it in stride. You're better off. There's a reason why they're not in your life. Maybe they're really jacked up and you're super lucky that you never got close with them. Who needs the extra stress? Not you. Deep breath and relax.
Who added who on fb? If it was you FR'ing the family, maybe it's that your expectations are too high...
I would just live your life the best you can and move on.0 -
That's ****ed up, I'm sorry.
Thank you for understanding
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I am in the same position. My aunt (maternal) told people she was engaged. Then a few months later she went on vacation and came back married. I was hurt - but not as hurt as I am that IM getting married in December and noone can even bother to say 'congratulations'. They'll talk to my mom about it - but not a word to me. I'm there with ya, girl.0
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My thoughts? Take it in stride. You're better off. There's a reason why they're not in your life. Maybe they're really jacked up and you're super lucky that you never got close with them. Who needs the extra stress? Not you. Deep breath and relax.
Who added who on fb? If it was you FR'ing the family, maybe it's that your expectations are too high...
I would just live your life the best you can and move on.
good advice0 -
Whats weird is he didnt tell me either0
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My thoughts? Take it in stride. You're better off. There's a reason why they're not in your life. Maybe they're really jacked up and you're super lucky that you never got close with them. Who needs the extra stress? Not you. Deep breath and relax.
Who added who on fb? If it was you FR'ing the family, maybe it's that your expectations are too high...
I would just live your life the best you can and move on.
We were really close, though..
I understand your sentiments, but it's hard. Not only are they family, paternal family, but we have memories together. It was almost idyllic, the relationship I had with my paternal family, growing up. Then it happened, and everything came crashing down.
It's like having everything I ever loved ripped away from me, my whole world. And now this. It is like a stab in the heart and back. It just shows how much I am no longer a part of the family, how unimportant I am. We have the same second name, but that seems to be our only connection right now..
It was a mutual decision to friend request after seeing each other at the funeral and wake. Even then, I felt like I didn't have a right to grieve. I was surprised I was even allowed in the funeral Royce behind the hearse.0 -
I am in the same position. My aunt (maternal) told people she was engaged. Then a few months later she went on vacation and came back married. I was hurt - but not as hurt as I am that IM getting married in December and noone can even bother to say 'congratulations'. They'll talk to my mom about it - but not a word to me. I'm there with ya, girl.
((hugs))
And congratulations! I hope you enjoy your wedding. I love weddings ^_^0 -
I'm sorry to hear that There are family members of mine too (aunts/uncles...) that probably wouldn't tell me / invite me in that situation, but then those are the ones I was never really close to throughout my life, so I would never have expected it.
Had we been close, or I was initiating contact, I would hope that they would at least respond, be willing to talk to me, and let me know about the wedding. To not do so when lots of effort is made on your part to keep the relationship, is not right IMO.
If I were you, I would cut all ties with them now to save the hurt later. It sounds like (as much as it's a horrible thing) since the incident with your dad, they don't want much contact. Leave it at that, that's their choice and move on, enjoy your life without them. Sometimes we can't always stay close with those who we love and it hurts but surely it's best to move forward rather than clinging onto the hope of a relationship and getting hurt more?0 -
I'm sorry to hear that There are family members of mine too (aunts/uncles...) that probably wouldn't tell me / invite me in that situation, but then those are the ones I was never really close to throughout my life, so I would never have expected it.
Had we been close, or I was initiating contact, I would hope that they would at least respond, be willing to talk to me, and let me know about the wedding. To not do so when lots of effort is made on your part to keep the relationship, is not right IMO.
If I were you, I would cut all ties with them now to save the hurt later. It sounds like (as much as it's a horrible thing) since the incident with your dad, they don't want much contact. Leave it at that, that's their choice and move on, enjoy your life without them. Sometimes we can't always stay close with those who we love and it hurts but surely it's best to move forward rather than clinging onto the hope of a relationship and getting hurt more?
You're completely right. And you know what? I'm done trying with people. I try with people too much.
Thanks hun 0 -
This reply is not meant to be negative, just realistic.
It is really important that you establish yourself in life.
By establish, I mean, focus on making a practical and sensible life.
What are your special gifts and talents? What interests and abilities do you have, or want to develop?
Pursue doing that. Pursue your passion, with joy!
It is true that extended family should have a special interest in your life. But all too often this ends up to be not the case!
You are correct in being offended by this lack of love. But you must let it go.
This means you must let go of the offense, so that your insides are free. Don't STAY offended, making it a reference point for the rest of your life, seething inside when you think of it.
Be happy that you have health, strength, a good mind, a smile, youthfulness at any age, opportunity, food, shelter, and anything else you can think of.
Move on!
It does not mean you carry bitterness, resentment, etc...exactly the opposite. You simply let it go, so you are not weighed down by the failings of others.
I can relate to what you are saying. It's really disappointing when you sorta substitute your own father/mother/siblings etc with extended family members, then find out they, ultimately, did not feel the same.
Now I have a HOUSEFULL of people with whom I have a special relationship! We have a vested-interest in each-other's lives. I will NEVER treat them as I was treated by extended family members. See, I learned my lesson!0 -
I don't speak to my mother, stepdad, brother, and I'm definitely better off.
I say unfriend him, and move on and live a happy life. If they aren't worried about you why should you worry about them?0 -
I understand - my paternal family relations are a bit... odd.
When my grandfather died, the obituary listed me as a "loving granddaughter" under the survivors. I only know this because a friend of my mom's stalks the obit page and sent me a copy. They never even called to tell me he died, which isn't all that surprising seeing as they hadn't talked to me in 20 years despite my mom's and my efforts. But still - to list me as loving granddaughter? Messed up.
(so many little stories like this)
It stings when family, no matter how close you are, does stuff like this, I know. But in the scheme of things, they have made themselves insignificant in your life. They have encouraged you to build a new family - a family based on love, support, and security and not just on blood. And guess which one is more important in the grand scheme of life?
(hint: it has nothing to do with blood).0
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