my one chance to speak

The unfortunate truth of real life is that, when something serious happens, something that can very well ruin a persons's life, the only thing one can do to prevent it is to stay silent. keep the knowledge or experience a secret and no one gets hurt. Part of me wants to keep what happened today a secret and make sure he doesn't lose everything and for life to get out of hand; but i'm so hurt, so terrified, how can i keep it bottled up? But luckily i have the internet at my fingertips. Here I am, in a place where my name is false and none of my friends or family have any way to reach me and see these words. This is my one chance to open the bottle, my one chance to speak before i try and shove the fear inside and attempt to reestablish the damaged bonds.

Today my family was having an arguement. it's not that unusual sadly. usually it's my dad vs. another family member, or all of us, since his side of things is usually the opposite of our opinions. I mean, my dad's usually a kind and intelligent man; but he has a tendency to show several bad personailty traits, like being racist, sexist, incredibly ego-centric, and a remarkable ability to explode like a raging volcano and then completely forget all about it (and thus denies when we state all the terrible things he said to us the moment before). Eventually the arguement got to its usual peak, where my father explodes and screams at us to fcvk off and how we're ALWAYS wrong about everything and how "we women are always against/attacking him" (yes, those are his words). At this point i tend to shut down and put up a poker face, because he'll just yell more if i talk (or mock me if i cry, cuz to him the fact that i cry makes me a complete weakling, and therefore useless). Unfortunately it appears that my poker face backfired on me today, because when i kept my face still and tried not to show any reaction as he was, literally, screaming in my face, he got even more pissed off so he turned and grabbed a knife from the rack right besdie us.

I honestly can't tell you whether or not he pulled it out, nor what he would have done once it was pulled out, because at that point I bolted up the stairs screaming bloody murder (... no pun intended -_-') and my sister helped me into the bathroom and locked the door for me. I had just seen my own father grab a knife that could have very well been meant to hurt or kill me. I was in absolute hysterics. I was shaking and crying and stumbling my words as I tried to tell my sister what had just happened. It took so much time and effort to get myself to stop trembling and crying today. I say 'been meant' because 1) part of me is in denial that my dad could ever actually do it and 2) as my sister and mom were yelling at him he claimed it was only meant to scare me. actually, now that i think about it, i don't think intention even matters. I'm sorry, but DO NOT EVER threaten your child's life, period! and to make it even more vulgar, when they told him how scared I was I heard him tell the others that "he didn't think I would react like that". that's your excuse? I just saw you grab A ****ING KNIFE!! HOW THE **** DID YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT?? STAND THERE AS YOU DO WHO KNOWS WHAT TO ME??? and for the record, we weren't even so much as a foot apart from each other when he grabbed it, all it would take would be for him to keep his arm out and turn back to face me for the blade to strike. I'm not a ****ing idiot, of course I ran. I think that's my one proud moment during this whole thing, that I managed to get my body to bolt away from the danger and scream like a siren instead of stand there frozen in terror. I'm happy to know that my insticts can work in my favor in case of danger. I hate that I had to find out this way of course ...it's a bittersweet realization.

Things have cooled down now. I can't say 'I'm safe now" because I can't imagine myself ever feeling safe in this house again. Once my dad went downstairs I got dressed and my sister and I left home for the day. To be honest I was just too scared to be back home. But here's where the true dilemma kicks in. I may not feel safe, but this is my dad we're talking about. it was only 12 hours before the arguement that he and I were enjoying ourselves watching the Curiousity landing. Generally things are fine at our house. we all get along great. but god i was truly scared for my life. but what can i possibly do? I can't tell my friends, or family outside of our very immediate circle; anyone of them might call the police. I can't put my own father in jail (well, unless he does it again -- my sister made him a promise that should ANY of us go for a knife she'll call the cops on that person, no exceptions). But still, what am I suppose to do? just keep it all bottled up and pretend everything's all fine and dandy? i want to say 'to hell with that', but what other choice do i have. i can't ever forgive him, but if word gets out it could destroy our family, my father's life especially.

So I suppose that's why I'm taking this opportunity now. My one chance to express the terror I endured to day. I honestly don't even think it'll matter whether or not anyone will ever read this post. I think I'll be partially relived if that's to be the case. But still, another wants to let the fear out, to know that someone out there in the world heard my fears and tears, without the added fear of walking on eggshells as I would have had to with a person who knows me in real life.

For anyone reading this, my apologize for causing a damper one your day, I just wanted this moment to express myself. But regardless, I wish you a good night, and a thank you for listening.