I am doing this for ME! - Codependance not an option

KravMark
KravMark Posts: 308 Member
edited December 2024 in Chit-Chat
Hey all I just wanted to share about my story. I have been married 15 yrs and my wife & I seemed to gain weight shortly after she became pregnant with our first son. We have 4 kids now and 15yrs later Ive packed on about 40lbs despite my very active lifestyle. I love my wife dearly but we had several marraige problems in the beginning : financial, relationships, family, & other stress which we began to turn to Icecream & other food comforts to resolve. The truth of the matter is my unhealthy eating habits go way back farther but Everytime I decided I was going to get in shape she seems to put on the breaks. One time we started a diet together but the minute I began to ask about food she was eating or if she was coming to workout with me we'd have fights.

So now we are talking about doing this together again but I dont want to tell here about this sight because right now I need this for ME!

Selfish? YES

But I think that we have become co-dependent partners in not eating right and she doesnt want me to manager her health levels for obvious reasons.

So I've decided that Im gonna just use my MFP family to get where I want to go, Lead by example and maybe my family members will ask me "how I did it afterwards... "

Would love your thoughts on this.

Mark.

Replies

  • KravMark
    KravMark Posts: 308 Member
    Another reason which is connected to her weight gain is self confidence issues and Im worried she'd boot me off the site if she saw i had women in my support network. As long as I stay focused on my goals, I dont think Im wrong to do this JUST FOR ME
  • ItsDawnMarie
    ItsDawnMarie Posts: 81 Member
    Good luck to you! I believe the only way you can do it is yourself. If I had to look to my hubby for support and got use to that and one day he wasn't as supportive (not saying he would be but in general with anyone needing that "someone" all the time) I would probably have gotten no where real quick.

    Selfish? eh I could go either way on that, you have to do what you have to do for your health but I definitely wouldn't hide it.
  • vkruithof
    vkruithof Posts: 227 Member
    Mark,

    Mapmywalk has a mobile app that she can try. It's very similar to MFP. Then she can have some of the same things that you love so much about MFP, and you won't have to feel like you've left her out; but you can still have your little corner of the world too. Check it out.

    Good luck to you both, it's hard.

    Vicky:smile:
  • samra2012
    samra2012 Posts: 715
    yep... you have to do it for yourself! Good luck!!
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
    Since I don't know the story these might be far reaching ASSumptions but it sounds like you guys have tried to do this, and she doesn't put in the amount of effort you do, and that is frustrating.

    If I'm in the right ball park I'll add that I know how you feel. I tried helping my wife. And not in some douche baggy hey you don't need to eat that comment kinda way. I tried to be supportive etc.

    She is trying, but I've come to realize maybe it just isn't fair to expect her to put in the same effort I'm willing to put in. This site could help her become more dedicated though so if you think she would use it, it might be a good idea if you told her about it.
  • AuddAlise
    AuddAlise Posts: 723 Member
    She is holding you back. I don't blame you for not sharing. If my husband did that to me I would be doing the same thing you are.
  • KravMark
    KravMark Posts: 308 Member
    Vicky,

    That's an awesome idea!!! Exactly what Im looking for a way to do it separately but also together. Thanks
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
    My best friend joined the site, and she hasn't told her husband because he'll say the same thing I do...it's on your phone, there's no excuse! I know it's going to take her getting into the habit of logging on, but he won't see it that way. Sounds like it's the same as having the best friend who eats crap all the time, and then when you're hanging out you're tempted to eat the same way. I don't blame you for wanting to do this on your own, since you can't seem to do it with her. It's not like you're disrespecting her and being inappropriate (at least not that I've seen!), so even if she does find out, she shouldn't have a problem with it. Send her to me if she does! :wink:
  • KravMark
    KravMark Posts: 308 Member
    good point Lonlb & Thanks

    you're right.. ITs not that she doesnt want to lose weight but im so fired up that I blow her and other out of the water. But typically if I cant get a bunch of people on board I dont move forward. So here I've found thousands of others, many way more motivated than myself and the pounds are starting to fall away.

    Thanks for understanding
  • KravMark
    KravMark Posts: 308 Member
    YOu ROCK Rachmox!!!
  • vkruithof
    vkruithof Posts: 227 Member
    Vicky,

    That's an awesome idea!!! Exactly what Im looking for a way to do it separately but also together. Thanks

    Mark,

    You're welcome. By boyfriend showed me the mapmywalk, and it has great qualities, but I was already hooked on MFP. I hope it works, if she's interested in giving it a try. I use it for the gps for my walks at least. :)
  • CallMeCupcakeDammit
    CallMeCupcakeDammit Posts: 9,377 Member
    YOu ROCK Rachmox!!!

    :blushing: So do you, Mark!
  • HelloSweetie4
    HelloSweetie4 Posts: 1,214 Member
    My husband and I tried losing weight together so many times, but one of us would always slack out right away and the other would lose motivation because of it. My husband starting losing a bit of weight on his own and then I found MFP for me. We have been losing weight in our own separate ways, but we will walk/hike together sometimes. We also talk a lot about what we are doing, so we can coordinate meals and such.
    Doing this separately and at our own paces has made everything so much easier. When he starts to slack, I'm still going strong, and likewise, when I have my slacking moments.
  • Caffeine_Addict
    Caffeine_Addict Posts: 178 Member
    I can understand where you're coming from. I decided to stop trying to make myself better for anyone but me. It sounds selfish but it really isn't. Finding the motivation and strength to do this can be very personal. Maybe the mental/emotional switch just hasn't flipped for her yet. If she ends up liking that walking site maybe something will click with her and you'll feel more comfortable with inviting her here. As long as you have nothing to hide or feel guilty about then hopefully it won't be an issue in your relationship.
  • ndblades
    ndblades Posts: 233 Member
    OK- I'll be the naysayer here. Is there a reason you can't tell her about the site, and say "hey, I think it will work better if we aren't friends, we seem to argue on too many ideas?" Once she gets involved - she may feel the same way. Keep your profile private except to your friends, but don't hide this awesome tool if she really wants to loose weight! She may not like it, and then again, it may be the magic she needs to get motivated.

    I too have been married 15 years, I have 5 kids, and my husband also could loose weight. I am a self motivator, and with all life stresses, I prefer to workout on my own -- and my husband respects that, although he on the other hand is a real people person and loves to hang out and talk to me if I am on the treadmill, or walking or biking. As much as sometimes it drives me nuts, I let him tag along... it is important to him, and that is what marriage is about, he also knows if I tell him, "I need to walk on my own" - he respects that! Trust and respect, give it to her and you may get it back. If not, sorry you are married to a b*****.... j/k.

    You may also find that with her on MFP - she will take the advise from others that she doesn't like to get from you and as for having friends she might not approve of . . . .well, do you seriously think all her friends will be female? My account is always up on my husbands ipad. I have no idea if he looks through it or not. Don't really care, I have nothing to hide. . . .again, trust and respect, it will carry you through another 15+ years!

    Good luck on your weight loss -- MFP is awesome isnt it?
  • Dauntlessness
    Dauntlessness Posts: 1,489 Member
    When I first started out, well for about 1.5 years my husband didn't change his eating habits or exercise. I did it for myself. Its hard because once your married for that long you kind of "become one" with the decision making, even if its food. My husband is just now going to the gym with me and eating healthier. You cant force healthy lifestyles on people who dont want it. All you can ask is that they dont try to sabotage or be unsupportive. They dont have to talk about it with you, they dont have to eat the same foods, they dont have to go to the gym. They do however, need to be encouraging, not tempt you with bad foods, dont make you feel guilty about going to the gym...etc etc. Set boundaries and them live them. Thats what worked for me.
  • AlissaFL
    AlissaFL Posts: 80 Member
    I think those are all valid reasons. You are most likely right that you two have become each other's obstacle to losing weight; I think married couples just do that for some crazy reason. Hopefully you will both get to focus on your own goals for a few months, without the baggage from the past.

    I know my husband losing weight and getting into shape motivated me...well after I got over being mad that he left me here in Fatville. (I know that's irrational, but it really did FEEL that way.) When I stopped seeing it as a "who deserves to be thin" competition or as a threat to our marriage (him losing weight and that bringing unwanted female attention that I was no match for( cause, yeah, I'm an immature high-school girl some days)) and instead saw it as a chance for each of us to regain the person we lost over the years, then I was excited for both of our Individual weight-loss journeys.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    I think many relationships are similar to yours.
    13 years married and a similar story except my wife actually does support me.
    She is not really working out with me too much but, she is not sabatoging me either.
    Every once in a while she will make a comment that gets me motivated.
    Last Sunday we were kayaking and I jumped out. Getting back in is as simple as grabbing the edge and pulling yourself in.
    She made the comment that she could see my back and shoulder muscles working and I sould keep doing it.
  • NikkiSmo
    NikkiSmo Posts: 180 Member
    Your story sounds so very much like my own except I'm the wife! My husband has tried many many times to help me even offering me a trip to Hawaii if I lost weight and got healthy. He would always tell me he loved me no matter what size I was and I beleive him he just wanted me healthy. It was never successful until one day I, myself decided to make the change and I have been on MFP for 100 days today and down 40lbs!! My husband has done the C25K with me and I know I held him back but he stuck by my side every step of the way. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what your intentions are if the other person isn't ready than they will not be successful with this journey. I would become very defensive when my husband would try and correct me with how I was working out becaue in my mind I though "hey at least I'm here!" If this site works for you then thats AWESOME however "keeping" it from your wife makes it look like you are doing something wrong. Maybe you should tell her about it and how much you enjoy it and leave it at that. Then she can go check it out for herself. However in the end you have to make yourself healthier for you and thats great that you have addressed the problems and are seeking the tools to fix it. Best of luck.
  • althaluszombie
    althaluszombie Posts: 94 Member
    Another reason which is connected to her weight gain is self confidence issues and I'm worried she'd boot me off the site if she saw i had women in my support network. As long as I stay focused on my goals, I don't think I'm wrong to do this JUST FOR ME

    I am not the same with my wife. I want her to use it but we lack the complete jealous problem. I will admit the best course with any relationship is communication. I know how difficult candid conversations with a spouse is but it is most beneficial. I think for her it would improve her self confidence but I think keeping the site to yourself is a good idea. If she decides to get it then that's awesome too. But you love your wife obviously and this is a platonic health fitness site and beneficial. Your good traits in earnest will tend her blossoming understanding. Examples are easiest to learn from.
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