Eating Disorders (asking for help, not condoning them!)

To basically hit all the main points here:

I'm afraid to see a therapist because I have spoken to people who have recovered and a lot of them have told me they had to gain weight...which honestly, scares me. Like, I can't really put into words how much it scares me. I've beat myself up over gaining even a small half pound. I don't like seeing that number go up at all...partly because I am VERY short and I feel as if I wear every morsel of food I consume. So, there's that...which is also kind of ironic, because bulimia doesn't make you terribly thin...actually, the fluctuations are absurd...which further drives me into beating myself up over it.

My mom isn't that sympathetic, to be honest. She once told me how she was "anorexic for two weeks, then stopped because there are more important things" which made me realise she doesn't actually understand what an eating disorder is...and she's the type that won't listen to logic because she has her own preconceived notions on things. She also doesn't know I purge, she just knows that there are many times where I won't eat. But, as I said, there is more than one thing she wants me to "clean up." To also reiterate how little she understands/sympathises, she sees people with eating disorders as the type who want attention. She doesn't realise that what I see in the mirror is not what she sees and keeping my food down is an actual challenge and I don't want attention for it. Actually, I think I was honestly happier when no one else knew.

Also, I have never been able to figure out my triggers. I would like to be one of those people that can say "oh yeah, it's when I see a photo of a model" or something, but it's not. I have purged at school, at home, at friend's houses once or twice, at the mall, etc...I really do not know what makes me want to do this. I'd say it's because I think I eat too much and I'm too fat, but that's more or less the central dogma of an eating disorder, anyway.