I have a dilemma...

LinsenNRoses · August 2012

So this has nothing to do with food/exercise but everything to do with my sanity...

I work 50-60 hours a week doing the overnights, never get any sleep, do all the cooking and all the cleaning and I'm just barely getting by. I have a 5 year old son and boyfriend that I take care of (he made a mistake a few years back and can't get a good job because of it, he literally has applied at over 100 jobs and NOTHING). He probably makes about 4 dollars an hour in cash... I don't have any family that helps us out because they have even less than me and are not ok mentally.

My problem is that my Dad & Aunt are both on disability and need someone to help take care of them and cannot afford to be on their own. They want us all to rent a house together and split the bills and all be together. They are both really sick and can't clean, work, or do much. They both have REALLY wealthy brothers and sisters that could help them out but don't. I have a sister who has no kids and her and her husband have good jobs but they won't help either. So that leaves me.

I love my Dad more than anything but I can barely take care of my own family and I think I will lose my sanity if we do this. They also have 2 dogs and 1 cat that they would bring! Now I know he is my Dad and I should always take care of him but him and my Mother never took care of me. They both had bad alcohol and drug problems my whole life. I was cooking the family dinners at age 14, cleaning the whole house at 13, became an adult WAY TOO YOUNG and suffered a lot from it.

I'm just stuck. I have spent my whole life taking care of EVERYONE else and feel like I need to take care of me now and DESERVE it!! But how can I just leave my Dad & Aunt to fend for themselves? My heart and brain are fighting and I just don't know what to do. :frown:

JenniferNoll · August 2012

What you are doing is amazing, but you can't do it all. No one can.

First, you have to lighten your own load. Your boyfriend needs to pitch in at home. You work full time, so he can do at least half of the work at home. If he refuses, it gives you something to think about.

Your dad and aunt. I've been in that kind of position myself with my mother-in-law. What we did was help her apply for subsidized housing. She got an apartment based on her income from social security, and was able to live on her own that way. We helped her to apply for every kind of public assistance available, and she was able to get a significant amount of help. If they are church goers, perhaps the church can help them out with cooking, cleaning, groceries, and medical needs.

I think you've done an incredible job so far. I also know how it is to be the only one who steps up and takes responsibility when there are others who would be better able to do it than you. It's frustrating and it creates a huge amount of resentment. You can help out without giving up your entire life, so check into the subsidized housing idea. It could be a great help.

CkepiJinx · August 2012

Why are you doing all the house work if your bf isn't working? If you understand that he can't get a job do to a past mistake so be it but he absolutely should help out at home. That is a major load off your shoulders if he did. As for your father, tell him what you told us, you already have to much on your plate and while you love him, he is an adult and needs to figure it out. I may sound harsh but I come from very similar circum stances as you at least based on your post and the only thing you can do is take care of you and your child. Do not take this on once you all move in it is very difficult to get out.
Good luck and take care of yourself!

emilysuelemus · August 2012

Might also be a good idea to see if they qualify for assisted care. In patient or out patient.. where care givers come in and assist in housework and physical care. check out also senior volunteer services, there are a lot of resources out there it seems...My mom qualified for a program called copes it paid me to take her into my home. So the state didnt have to pay for rest home care it was a cheaper alternative for them but enabled me to care for her maybe the boyfreind could do that!! But if he is a felon then you wouldnt qualify...In the state of Washington we have a senior/disabled social dept you need to find out what options you have. Best wishes!

christine24t · August 2012

I work 50-60 hours a week doing the overnights, never get any sleep, do all the cooking and all the cleaning

First off, why don't you ask your boyfriend to pick up the slack with cooking and cleaning...and if he isn't willing to, ditch him? I hate to be cruel but you might be better off without having to support him too.

and I'm just barely getting by. I have a 5 year old son and boyfriend that I take care of (he made a mistake a few years back and can't get a good job because of it, he literally has applied at over 100 jobs and NOTHING). He probably makes about 4 dollars an hour in cash...

Again, see if he can help you, otherwise, it might be more valuable not to have him.

My problem is that my Dad & Aunt are both on disability and need someone to help take care of them and cannot afford to be on their own. They want us all to rent a house together and split the bills and all be together. They are both really sick and can't clean, work, or do much. They both have REALLY wealthy brothers and sisters that could help them out but don't. I have a sister who has no kids and her and her husband have good jobs but they won't help either. So that leaves me.

I love my Dad more than anything but I can barely take care of my own family and I think I will lose my sanity if we do this. They also have 2 dogs and 1 cat that they would bring! Now I know he is my Dad and I should always take care of him but him and my Mother never took care of me. They both had bad alcohol and drug problems my whole life. I was cooking the family dinners at age 14, cleaning the whole house at 13, became an adult WAY TOO YOUNG and suffered a lot from it.

I'm just stuck. I have spent my whole life taking care of EVERYONE else and feel like I need to take care of me now and DESERVE it!! But how can I just leave my Dad & Aunt to fend for themselves? My heart and brain are fighting and I just don't know what to do. :frown:

As hard as it is, you have to take care of yourself and your son first. Put them first.

I am assuming that you and your sister grew up together. If she grew up with you, I am assuming that you and her went through the same thing. She has the guts to say no to her abusive parents, but you are being taken by them. Maybe they changed, I don't know. But you need to learn to say no. They didn't help you, so why help them?

LinsenNRoses · August 2012

Thanks guys! I will definitely have a talk with my boyfriend about cleaning up more. There is no excuse as to why he doesn't help out more with that. He does work 40 hours a week but only making 4 dollars an hour.

I will have a hard time telling my Dad that it's too much for me at this time because I know he is going to be really hurt, but it is the truth. I'm going to look into subsidized living for them and look up programs. I do have an old school counselor that I am still in touch with and maybe she could help me find out all that information too. But I agree with you all 100%. I'm glad you don't think I'm being a horrible daughter for feeling this way. They are both adults too and I can't be everyone's rock!! Thanks a lot everyone!!

LinsenNRoses · August 2012

I work 50-60 hours a week doing the overnights, never get any sleep, do all the cooking and all the cleaning

First off, why don't you ask your boyfriend to pick up the slack with cooking and cleaning...and if he isn't willing to, ditch him? I hate to be cruel but you might be better off without having to support him too.

and I'm just barely getting by. I have a 5 year old son and boyfriend that I take care of (he made a mistake a few years back and can't get a good job because of it, he literally has applied at over 100 jobs and NOTHING). He probably makes about 4 dollars an hour in cash...

Again, see if he can help you, otherwise, it might be more valuable not to have him.

My problem is that my Dad & Aunt are both on disability and need someone to help take care of them and cannot afford to be on their own. They want us all to rent a house together and split the bills and all be together. They are both really sick and can't clean, work, or do much. They both have REALLY wealthy brothers and sisters that could help them out but don't. I have a sister who has no kids and her and her husband have good jobs but they won't help either. So that leaves me.

I love my Dad more than anything but I can barely take care of my own family and I think I will lose my sanity if we do this. They also have 2 dogs and 1 cat that they would bring! Now I know he is my Dad and I should always take care of him but him and my Mother never took care of me. They both had bad alcohol and drug problems my whole life. I was cooking the family dinners at age 14, cleaning the whole house at 13, became an adult WAY TOO YOUNG and suffered a lot from it.

I'm just stuck. I have spent my whole life taking care of EVERYONE else and feel like I need to take care of me now and DESERVE it!! But how can I just leave my Dad & Aunt to fend for themselves? My heart and brain are fighting and I just don't know what to do. :frown:

As hard as it is, you have to take care of yourself and your son first. Put them first.

I am assuming that you and your sister grew up together. If she grew up with you, I am assuming that you and her went through the same thing. She has the guts to say no to her abusive parents, but you are being taken by them. Maybe they changed, I don't know. But you need to learn to say no. They didn't help you, so why help them?

Yup! You are completely right about everything! I need to learn how to stand my ground.

texaricangirasol · August 2012

Contact your local Disability office. They have people that come in and help with care and there are lots of benefits for those receiving the government disability or SSI check.

In most if not all states you can call 211 to get local resources. here we call it DARS.

As for, whatever mistake your boyfriend may have made in the past there are usually programs that will set him up with employers that will hire him. And each state has a minimum hourly raise (unless it is a tips based job, then they have something below that), so if his 4 doesn't include tips, then that is another issue that needs to be cleared up (by employer or him).

LinsenNRoses · August 2012

Contact your local Disability office. They have people that come in and help with care and there are lots of benefits for those receiving the government disability or SSI check.

In most if not all states you can call 211 to get local resources. here we call it DARS.

As for, whatever mistake your boyfriend may have made in the past there are usually programs that will set him up with employers that will hire him. And each state has a minimum hourly raise (unless it is a tips based job, then they have something below that), so if his 4 doesn't include tips, then that is another issue that needs to be cleared up (by employer or him).

Thanks, I'll definitely be calling around for sure!! Yea, we know his Boss is screwing him but at this point we just take what we can get! The felony should be expunged in about 3 years but hopefully he can find something else before then!

ckish · August 2012

I understand the pain that having this dilemma can cause but..... YOUR SON IS WATCHING AND LEARNING about life by the way you live yours. Sometimes the best way you can help someone is to allow them to help themselves. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Only you can determine if your bf, dad, or aunt are taking advantage of your kindness or truly in need of your support during a difficult time. Generally, if you loving say you feel overwhelmed and are not in a position to help someone the way they respond tells you volumes about the relationship. Do they get angry and defensive and tell you how selfish you are? Or do they hug you and want to comfort you without saddling you with their problems. If they are manipulating you except the fact that they will be angry and upset and probably villify you to the rest of the world then get on with your life with peace in your heart knowing you did your best. If they are truly in need of assistance and you can help with a loving heart that is wonderful. If they need help and you cannot do it all that is OK too. No parent or bf would ever want you to put their needs before those of your son. If you sacrafice yourself serving them who will take care of your son. You only have one shot at being the kind of parent you never had and your child deserves. Imagine the profound differnce you can make in your son's life 20 years down the road by carefully making a determination today of whether compassion or courage is most appropriate in facing your dilemma. In either case - I pray that you will look into your son's eyes tonight and trust that you are wise enough to make the right decision as you tuck him into bed tonight.

I have a dilemma...

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