Interfearing mother in law!!
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davery1985
Posts: 142 Member
in Chit-Chat
I know this isnt about diet and exercise, but im just wondering if anyone else had an interfearing mother in law too? I normally just let it go over my head, but my nanan passed away last week and im stll really upset! It was a pretty hard week for our family and my mother in law just doesnt care, just keeps doing her usual and upsetting me. Not said anything thank god, as i know this wont help matters. She asked me if she could have my daughter on friday last week and so i said yes as i think they should have time with their grandparents. I asked her if she could bring her back at 5pm as i was making tea for her with my mum and dad. She agreed to this, but she called me at 5pm and told me she had taken her to doncaster and she wont be back till 8pm!! I had made her dinner, and also my daughter goes to bed at 7ish! She also said she had only had half a sandwich!! I was like well you better feed her she will be starving! She wasnt going to though!! She did in the end, but not till 7pm! She ended up bringing my daughter back to my mums at 8pm with a nappy on full of poo. My daughter was screaming her head off in pain, when i took her nappy off she had a bad rash and her bum was bleeding as she left the nappy on that long with poo on it!! I was really mad at her as she keeps doing this!! She just said, well she pooed in the car so i couldnt change her!! My daughter has never had nappy rash, or been bleeding!! Sunday just gone, they just turned up at our house with some shoes for my daughter that she had fitted on friday. She had her measured for her first shoes without me there! She has really upset me, thats my job and not hers. She did it without asking me! She has taken her for professional photos without my knowledge too. I cant afford these photos, she knows this, but she doesnt get me a photo. Im so upset ith her, it should have been me and my husband that take her or her fist shoes, and her photos doing. Theres lots of other things shes done that i have let go ,but i htink if i said all of them on here it would be like an essay. Im just fed up of her not listening to me at all when i ask her not to do things, after all Isabelle is my daughter and i know her best.
Debs x
Debs x
0
Replies
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I'm really lucky with my MIL, she doesn't interfere like that.
Is your husband supportive of you? I really think you need to set some firm boundaries and stick by them. If they have your daughter they take full responsibility for the crap parts of it as well as the good, they don't leave her in a disgusting nappy for hours. In fact, if this had happened with mine their access would be limited to supervised visits. No taking your daughter off for a month at least. They are not respectful of your position as mother, and without that respect this is not a beneficial relationship for your daughter to be witnessing.
As far as shoes go. Ignore it. Pretend it didn't happen. Give them back their shoes and go to a different Clarks shop or wherever and get your own photo and certificate etc. You're right, it is a special thing. Just draw the line and ignore that they ever did it. xx0 -
I think not to feed a baby, keeping it up past bedtime, returning it soiled, with a bleeding rash are VERY different issues that having some pictures taken and buying shoes without consulting you.
The first are big issues of health and wellbeing, the second are niggles.
What does your husband say? She's his mother after all.0 -
I would just tell her that she is not properly taking care of your daughter when she has her so she can't take her anymore! I assume that a "nappy" is a diaper. I would tell your mother-in-law that SHE needs to pay for the medication for the bleeding rash on her bottom. Your husband needs to put his foot down with his mother as well. His daughter is more important than pissing off his mom.
The best of luck to you!0 -
OK.. Im going to say this, and I know you wont like it but: you are honestly that miffed over shoes and photos? That is nothing.. its no big deal.... if the MIL is paying, let her pay. No one stole your fire of purchasing shoes and photos.. its truly not that big of a deal.
The fact your child is coming home with true signs of neglect would be enough to bar any visitation whatsoever.. that is much more important than a pair of shoes and a photo session.
She called saying she was going to be late based on where she took her. Well, that is a half/half issue. She did give you a courtesy call that she was going to be late. You really do need to acknowledge that much, but the fact you made it clear, the baby needed to be home to maintain a schedule is, on your MIL's part disrespectful.
What you need to put your foot down on that is so much more important than shoes and pictures is the fact you have admitted this MIL has brought your child home multiple times with a significant rash, bleeding and whatnot, this is nothing but pure neglect.
Why the hell are you allowing your MIL to take the child when this person is clearly incapable of the responsibility? Your post said "multiple times'... that is something to get extremely angry over - not photos or shoes... Your child is much more important that shoes or photos. Had it been the first time, that would have been my last time saying "yes"... hands down!
Your husband needs to lay the law down....bar-none. I sure hope he is fuming mad.. because if he isnt, there is alot more going on than just MIL thinking she can get away with this...
that poor baby.0 -
the problem is that your letting it go,just so things don't get worse,maybe you should tell her how you feel,or write it in a letter to her,so you don't forget anything,as for her looking after your daughter if she can't do that right and your daughter has suffered,you should not let her take care of her.0
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Hmm, leaving a child in a dirty nappy for hours - nope, not very responsible. As mirandamayhem said, there are crappy parts (literally) to taking care of little ones, and you have to be prepared to do those if you want to take care of a child for extended periods. I wonder how on earth she could stand the smell - I remember with my younger siblings it was so pungent I'd have to change it then and there!
Things like shoes, photos, I'd let that go. No reason why she can't have photos done with granny and grandad and with mum and dad too. As for the shoes, I'd just say very sweetly "oh that's great, now she will have a spare pair of shoes to keep at your place" and continue on and you and your husband do your own thing. With a MIL like that, you got to pick the battles, and if you try and "ban" them from doing certain things because you want to do them first, or you feel it's only your place as mum, you're going to look a bit petty, and you will risk her not listening when you have something serious to sort out - like the nappy issue, which IS a big deal and definitely worth tackling. As is not bringing her back on time and not feeding her anything when she's come back 3 hours late.
My gut feeling is that your husband needs to take the lead in tackling it, because then she cannot dismiss your concerns as either overprotective mothering, or MIL/DIL friction and rivalry.0 -
Yes my husbad knows that she does this, but turns a blind eye to it and makes out as though im over reacting abit. I know im not as shes always leaving a nappy on thats got either loads and loads of wee in it, or a poo. She just says oh i cant smell it, or she has just had a wee so it didnt need changing. I always look like the bad guy when i say anything. Yes it doesnt matter about the shoes, i can do that another time with my daughter. Think im just emotinal with everything thats happened last week, and i have finally lot my temper and told my husband today that its not on! He just doesnt want to upset them, but he thinks its ok for me to tell her she shouldnt do this or that. Its hard as his mum is very opinionated (shes a jehovas witness) She has already been trying to convert me so my daughter will be one. Im just struggling because m the only one telling her off, bet she hates me for that. She never listens though. We dont let her look after her much, just once a week for about 4 hours. Its like she loves all the nice bits, but doesn want to do the bits lke nappy changing, or feeding. Its ridiculous x0
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If my mother in law wasn't feeding my daughter and leaving her in dirty diapers to the point of her getting diaper rash that would be the last time she got to ever take her anywhere! She would be lucky if she got to stop by my house to see them.0
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Yes my husbad knows that she does this, but turns a blind eye to it and makes out as though im over reacting abit. I know im not as shes always leaving a nappy on thats got either loads and loads of wee in it, or a poo. She just says oh i cant smell it, or she has just had a wee so it didnt need changing. I always look like the bad guy when i say anything. Yes it doesnt matter about the shoes, i can do that another time with my daughter. Think im just emotinal with everything thats happened last week, and i have finally lot my temper and told my husband today that its not on! He just doesnt want to upset them, but he thinks its ok for me to tell her she shouldnt do this or that. Its hard as his mum is very opinionated (shes a jehovas witness) She has already been trying to convert me so my daughter will be one. Im just struggling because m the only one telling her off, bet she hates me for that. She never listens though. We dont let her look after her much, just once a week for about 4 hours. Its like she loves all the nice bits, but doesn want to do the bits lke nappy changing, or feeding. Its ridiculous x
Sorry but your husband needs to put his big boy shorts on and set his mother straight. He should be taking the side of his wife's first and always.
Lets put it this way: I dont know where you live but.. something to consider: if you were here in the states, and someone else noticed this baby was severely neglected - it would come down on both you and your husband. The fact that you know your MIL will let this happen and that you allow this child to continue to visit with them - you both will be held at fault.
This is a very serious issue, one that results in agencies that have children's best interests at hand.
Your husband is being foolish not to support you. I wouldnt want that kind of guy in my life if he thought neglect was ok...0 -
#1 trash the shoes. Or hide them in a closet. I would be upset about this as well. The first pair of shoes is a right of passage for parents.
#2 The baby's father better be as upset about this. At the very least keeping his daughter out too late and not feeding her. Plus of course the rash. How irresponsible. Tell him that it's his mother and it's his responsibility to tell her off. 9 times out of 10 if there is tension between the MIL and the DIL it's because the husband needs to stand up to his mother.
#3 make sure the next time she asks to take the baby out, you say no. Make plans to take the baby out and make it a point to keep MIL out of it. Yes a child should spend time with her grandparent, but not if that grandparent doesn't take care of said child. Hopefully as the baby gets older she'll be able to handle her better. Though sounds to me like she is a spiteful old betty who wants to tick you off on purpose.Yes my husbad knows that she does this, but turns a blind eye to it and makes out as though im over reacting abit. I know im not as shes always leaving a nappy on thats got either loads and loads of wee in it, or a poo. She just says oh i cant smell it, or she has just had a wee so it didnt need changing. I always look like the bad guy when i say anything. Yes it doesnt matter about the shoes, i can do that another time with my daughter. Think im just emotinal with everything thats happened last week, and i have finally lot my temper and told my husband today that its not on! He just doesnt want to upset them, but he thinks its ok for me to tell her she shouldnt do this or that. Its hard as his mum is very opinionated (shes a jehovas witness) She has already been trying to convert me so my daughter will be one. Im just struggling because m the only one telling her off, bet she hates me for that. She never listens though. We dont let her look after her much, just once a week for about 4 hours. Its like she loves all the nice bits, but doesn want to do the bits lke nappy changing, or feeding. Its ridiculous x
Sorry but your husband needs to put his big boy shorts on and set his mother straight. He should be taking the side of his wife's first and always.
Lets put it this way: I dont know where you live but.. something to consider: if you were here in the states, and someone else noticed this baby was severely neglected - it would come down on both you and your husband. The fact that you know your MIL will let this happen and that you allow this child to continue to visit with them - you both will be held at fault.
This is a very serious issue, one that results in agencies that have children's best interests at hand.
Your husband is being foolish not to support you. I wouldnt want that kind of guy in my life if he thought neglect was ok...
Oh heavens you poor child. Seriously I would be mad at my husband. He needs to grow up and grow some. I don't care what she is, if he's afraid of her so much that he can't act like a man. Then you need to move where she can't get to you. Seriously. She's lazy and doesn't take care of your child. Don't let her near as often as you can.0 -
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Now is time to draw the line. I have children and had that problem with my MOTHER. Your childs health is number one, so do not let her go off with them again. they can meet at the parck with you or come to your home. If she(mum in law) puts up a fight, mention that you are more concerned with your daughters welfare than her feelings. Probably something you should have said years ago. Your house, your child, your marrige, your rules. Good luck love.0
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Not feeding and not changing nappies is just neglect.
If your MIL is neglecting your daughter, she shouldn't be allowed to take care of her.
If I were you, I would only allow your MIL to be with your daughter if you are there as well. For the sake of your daughter's health.0 -
Your husband needs to man up and tell his mother that leaving his daughter in a soiled nappy for hours and not feeding her is not on, and if this happens again she will not be able to have her at all unless one of you is present. Nappy rash is very sore and uncomfortable for children. I don't care if she says she can't smell it, you can feel if a child's nappy is full or wet!
Man, these men who won't stand up to their mothers, and leave the women always to be the bad guy. What the hell!
If she keeps trying to convert you, I would tell her that you're considering becoming a Catholic and watch the look of horror on her face!0 -
On the day my daughter was christened, we had a full house and I did all the catering. My daughter was 3 months old. The place was full of relatives and she was passed from person to person and fussed over a great deal. When everyone had gone I took her upstairs to get her ready for bed to find her nappy hadn't been changed one and she'd spent hours in a dirty nappy and was sore and bleeding.
I was very annoyed, but reminded myself that it has been many years since some of the relatives have had a baby to look after. What I did was always go out with them and my daughter from that point. I do not want to deny my children a relationship with their grandparents, but they have to learn how I want my children brought up.
Having said that, when my husband goes to visit his parents with the children they come home at 7.30 having been given cake and sweet stuff for tea, no actual food!
What can you do thought! *sighs*0 -
Your husband needs to man up and tell his mother that leaving his daughter in a soiled nappy for hours and not feeding her is not on, and if this happens again she will not be able to have her at all unless one of you is present. Nappy rash is very sore and uncomfortable for children. I don't care if she says she can't smell it, you can feel if a child's nappy is full or wet!
Man, these men who won't stand up to their mothers, and leave the women always to be the bad guy. What the hell!
If she keeps trying to convert you, I would tell her that you're considering becoming a Catholic and watch the look of horror on her face!
Agreeing wholeheartedly - this husband needs to man up and put his mother in her place immediately.
My husband (not my daughter's father) was more dedicated, protective and loving to my daughter than her own biological father. He assumed the responsibility willingly and he was wonderful in pitching in and helping when my daughter was sick. His mother on the other hand, he has absolutely NO problem telling her off.. in fact he went without talking to her for almost 18 months because she wouldnt get her act straightened out.... and of course she came around wanting something as a way to break the ice, and he made it clear "you are not my priority"....0 -
Having said that, when my husband goes to visit his parents with the children they come home at 7.30 having been given cake and sweet stuff for tea, no actual food!
What can you do thought! *sighs*
You can do plenty - your husband needs to be on the same playing field as you. You both had this child, so therefore its your rules, your wishes, your ways - period.
If you dont want your child(ren) loaded with junk food, you tell your parents and his parents there will be absolutely no junk food whatsoever.... and if they dont like it .. tough!0 -
OK.. Im going to say this, and I know you wont like it but: you are honestly that miffed over shoes and photos? That is nothing.. its no big deal.... if the MIL is paying, let her pay. No one stole your fire of purchasing shoes and photos.. its truly not that big of a deal.
The fact your child is coming home with true signs of neglect would be enough to bar any visitation whatsoever.. that is much more important than a pair of shoes and a photo session.
She called saying she was going to be late based on where she took her. Well, that is a half/half issue. She did give you a courtesy call that she was going to be late. You really do need to acknowledge that much, but the fact you made it clear, the baby needed to be home to maintain a schedule is, on your MIL's part disrespectful.
What you need to put your foot down on that is so much more important than shoes and pictures is the fact you have admitted this MIL has brought your child home multiple times with a significant rash, bleeding and whatnot, this is nothing but pure neglect.
Why the hell are you allowing your MIL to take the child when this person is clearly incapable of the responsibility? Your post said "multiple times'... that is something to get extremely angry over - not photos or shoes... Your child is much more important that shoes or photos. Had it been the first time, that would have been my last time saying "yes"... hands down!
Your husband needs to lay the law down....bar-none. I sure hope he is fuming mad.. because if he isnt, there is alot more going on than just MIL thinking she can get away with this...
that poor baby.
The photos and shoes are just adding to the problem. AND, it is the principle of the thing, ON TOP OF the other things. And, the fact that she doesnt give her, the child's mother, the photos that she had taken is not cool!
I understand what you mean. Sometimes, the FIRSTs are things that we as parents look for.
As for the neglect that she has shown, while I understand that it may have been awhile dealing with a little one, Once a parent, always a Parent and they would at LEAST know when the child has a dirty nappy! AND, if they arent willing to change it when it happens, then they cant take the baby without you with them.
My husband always tells me he supports me but, I have to deal with my in-laws when it comes to my daughter. He tells me that if it is what i want, tell them. My in-laws watch my daughter Mon-Fri while we are working and, while she does do things I dont agree with, they arent huge things, THANK GOODNESS!! It is coming up to potty training now and I am nervous about her forcing it. But, we will see what happens.
GOOD LUCK and just remember, she is YOUR daughter and YOU have the right to deny anything that would harm her or cause her pain, whether your husband agrees or not. Just try to explain to him your reasoning calmly and hope he agrees!0 -
Thanks for all the advice, i was in such a dilema. My daughter is the most precious thing in my life. It kills me when i see her upset like she was on friday. Yes i agree, my husband is a pain. Im always left to tell her what she had done wrong. I will have to tell her straight as my husband probably wont say anything. Think ill have to just take her round instead and then stay for a few hours so i know she wont be left with a dirty nappy. I dont want my baby suffering. xx0
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He thinks it's ok. I didn't go into details, these are the ultra healthy, no fat no additives, no meat eat multivit parents in law. I can't even put it into words, they are so extreme. Mum in law weight 6 stone (84 pounds) and has been told to put on weight by the surgeon. But they insist on feeding my children cake and apple tart, it's bizarre!
As you can see it winds me up so much!
I believe in a healthy balanced diet, good quality food that isn't mucked around with and a healthy attitude to food too. I've got 4 sensible eaters, no binge eating or weight problems so I think I must have done ok with them, I don't mind cakes occassionally either, but I was them to eat something with some nutritional value first!0 -
OK.. Im going to say this, and I know you wont like it but: you are honestly that miffed over shoes and photos? That is nothing.. its no big deal.... if the MIL is paying, let her pay. No one stole your fire of purchasing shoes and photos.. its truly not that big of a deal.
The fact your child is coming home with true signs of neglect would be enough to bar any visitation whatsoever.. that is much more important than a pair of shoes and a photo session.
She called saying she was going to be late based on where she took her. Well, that is a half/half issue. She did give you a courtesy call that she was going to be late. You really do need to acknowledge that much, but the fact you made it clear, the baby needed to be home to maintain a schedule is, on your MIL's part disrespectful.
What you need to put your foot down on that is so much more important than shoes and pictures is the fact you have admitted this MIL has brought your child home multiple times with a significant rash, bleeding and whatnot, this is nothing but pure neglect.
Why the hell are you allowing your MIL to take the child when this person is clearly incapable of the responsibility? Your post said "multiple times'... that is something to get extremely angry over - not photos or shoes... Your child is much more important that shoes or photos. Had it been the first time, that would have been my last time saying "yes"... hands down!
Your husband needs to lay the law down....bar-none. I sure hope he is fuming mad.. because if he isnt, there is alot more going on than just MIL thinking she can get away with this...
that poor baby.
The photos and shoes are just adding to the problem. AND, it is the principle of the thing, ON TOP OF the other things. And, the fact that she doesnt give her, the child's mother, the photos that she had taken is not cool!
I understand what you mean. Sometimes, the FIRSTs are things that we as parents look for.
As for the neglect that she has shown, while I understand that it may have been awhile dealing with a little one, Once a parent, always a Parent and they would at LEAST know when the child has a dirty nappy! AND, if they arent willing to change it when it happens, then they cant take the baby without you with them.
My husband always tells me he supports me but, I have to deal with my in-laws when it comes to my daughter. He tells me that if it is what i want, tell them. My in-laws watch my daughter Mon-Fri while we are working and, while she does do things I dont agree with, they arent huge things, THANK GOODNESS!! It is coming up to potty training now and I am nervous about her forcing it. But, we will see what happens.
GOOD LUCK and just remember, she is YOUR daughter and YOU have the right to deny anything that would harm her or cause her pain, whether your husband agrees or not. Just try to explain to him your reasoning calmly and hope he agrees!
The neglect of the child is the most important issue here. The unsupportive husband and his parents are the next. If the MIL bought those photos, she doesnt have to give them to anyone. Where she bought the shoes, they can easily stay with her.
I cant tell you how many cases I see of neglected babies and children in my line of work. Its disgusting... I have a hard time holding back tears as I discuss the medical claims with the insurance companies on how to get the claims paid.
Photos are capable of being replaced - they are not important at all. They are absolute nothing.
Shoes are easily outworn and therefore not important. They are also absolute nothing.
What is truly important is this guy get his act together and support his wife by putting his parents in their place and do so hard.
Neglect is a serious issue that daddy doesnt seem to think is important. How horrifying would it be if this child were in someone else's care and goes to change the diaper and notices this poor kiddo hasnt healed yet from the bleeding wounds of a diaper that did not get changed? That call goes to an agency like "Child Protective Services"...
Yeah - photos and shoes are meaningless... but neglect has too much meaning
OP.. I would be going straight to your husband and laying down the law. And then the BOTH of you ought to be laying down the law with the MIL/family and making it known this...is...unacceptable!0
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