Problems in the house!
EmmaMay93
Posts: 81
So guys, a very random topic for this site but I know how great you lot are with advice of all sorts. So here goes.
I live with my boyfriend and our friend. We've lived together for a few months, on a year contract. So our friend's friend has been staying a lot recently, for a few days now. I slowly started to notice her things in the bathroom and her food in the kitchen. I was a bit annoyed. I spoke to my boyfriend and he said 'oh yeah apparently she's moved in' and i said our friend had not told me, no one had. Asked me, rather. And so I gave it a couple of days to give them both a chance to ask me about it, if i mind etc. I saw her unpacking today in our spare room. So i went to the friend we live with and confronted him. He said my boyfriend was going to tell me. I told him he should not rely on a messenger and should have spoken to me before a decision was made, a conversation not just a message. So it all kicked of because i said i was unhappy about it as apparently it's permanent - for the next year that is. I specifically stated that i did not want to live with more than two other people. So now the girl moved in will have her boyfriend around a lot too. Am I allowed to be annoyed? Can I say no? My boyfriend said to me he was not happy with it due to space, and then when we all spoke, he said it was fine....didnt even stick up for himself let alone me! Our friend also blamed my boyfriend for not telling me, so i stuck up for him as it was no up to him to do. Even though he stood there and said nothing, took the blame. I feel like a *****, but I like my own space, and shes around the house a lot. They stay up all night partying and bringing their friends round, without asking too. Comments/opinions please? What would you do? (She is going to pay rent, but thats not the point here..)
I live with my boyfriend and our friend. We've lived together for a few months, on a year contract. So our friend's friend has been staying a lot recently, for a few days now. I slowly started to notice her things in the bathroom and her food in the kitchen. I was a bit annoyed. I spoke to my boyfriend and he said 'oh yeah apparently she's moved in' and i said our friend had not told me, no one had. Asked me, rather. And so I gave it a couple of days to give them both a chance to ask me about it, if i mind etc. I saw her unpacking today in our spare room. So i went to the friend we live with and confronted him. He said my boyfriend was going to tell me. I told him he should not rely on a messenger and should have spoken to me before a decision was made, a conversation not just a message. So it all kicked of because i said i was unhappy about it as apparently it's permanent - for the next year that is. I specifically stated that i did not want to live with more than two other people. So now the girl moved in will have her boyfriend around a lot too. Am I allowed to be annoyed? Can I say no? My boyfriend said to me he was not happy with it due to space, and then when we all spoke, he said it was fine....didnt even stick up for himself let alone me! Our friend also blamed my boyfriend for not telling me, so i stuck up for him as it was no up to him to do. Even though he stood there and said nothing, took the blame. I feel like a *****, but I like my own space, and shes around the house a lot. They stay up all night partying and bringing their friends round, without asking too. Comments/opinions please? What would you do? (She is going to pay rent, but thats not the point here..)
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Replies
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I couldn't handle that. But I guess if you are stuck until the lease is up, you have to deal with it, right? (Unless you find somebody to take your place and move out.) Is the new girl going to be paying 25% of the bills???? Maybe with the extra money you will have (because you will be paying 25% instead of 33%), you can spring for a hotel stay once a month to just get the hell out of there sometimes. Sorry, I would be mad too.0
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Tough one, but you definitely have a right to a vote in this situation since you're a paying tenant. Being told something is not sufficient. You should have been asked. I'd say that you need to hit the reset button and take things back to where they started. Things were not handled properly from the get-go, so they need to start over and do it right. As in getting everyone's thoughts and making a joint decision.
Random thoughts: if she's moving in she'll need to be on the lease. Most landlords will require her to fill out a rental application, pay the background screening fee, and sign the lease. That's IF they're willing to approve her to move in. Not sure what size unit you're in, but most landlords also will not allow overcrowding of their unit. If you bring this up to the group maybe that will help her to rethink her decision to move in.0 -
I would be flipping furious! Before anyone else moved in this should have been talked out and agreed upon. Right now I would lay down the rules regarding partying/staying up late. This is YOUR house also and if she doesn't like it she can move right out.0
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Yes, she is gonna pay 25% of the bills. So I will save money. But I'd rather she went that save me money, I didn't ask her to save my money for me haha. I sound so stubborn, but I'm just annoyed that no one consulted me at all! And I had to make the first move to discuss. I don't like the thought that I have no other option than to put up with it. I like to make a stand about things haha, I'm all for sticking up for yourself.0
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It comes down to whose name is on the lease agreement. Yours and your boyfriend? you 2 have control. Your boyfriend and the friend? they have control.
There need to be some rules for sure about rent payment etc. You do not want their inability to pay to affect your credit/leasing history.
If you and your boyfriend are not on the lease (I know you said it's a one year contract but i'm unsure who signed) and the friend wants other roomates, it may be time to move to a smaller place where you don't have to share the lease payments.
best of luck (and remaining calm)!0 -
Yes, she is gonna pay 25% of the bills. So I will save money. But I'd rather she went that save me money, I didn't ask her to save my money for me haha. I sound so stubborn, but I'm just annoyed that no one consulted me at all! And I had to make the first move to discuss. I don't like the thought that I have no other option than to put up with it. I like to make a stand about things haha, I'm all for sticking up for yourself.
U have EVERY right to stand up for yourself. I would be mad too.0 -
Loving these comments, you are all helping me to not feel like such bad person! The landlord is pretty laid lack and has said its fine.0
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I say start looking for an affordable place for you and your boyfriend. Like a one bedroom. Then tell him when you find it.0
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Whose name(s) is on the lease? If it is just you, you do have a right. However, if the roommates name is on there as well, he does have a right. Do I agree with him...NO. He should have discussed it with you and your boyfriend first before he made the decision. Good luck! Maybe you need to set down and discuss some "house rules".0
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This is why I only lived with roommates once. They suck. End of story.0
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All three of us are on the lease, we are all equally in the agreement. Me, my boyfriend and our friend. But it's me against three at the moment! Ha. Also, I have just told them that I am not happy with it, therefore my answer is no, she cannot stay. So the friend got her in the room and made me tell her, but they have decided to stay anyway. She said she will look for somewhere else, but i overheard my friend saying to her, not to bother and she said 'yeah its too expensive to find somewhere on my own anyway'. so i went back in and said 'by the way you have a month to find somewhere'. because in a month i start my second year of a degree in psychology, so i cannot afford the stress or uncomfortability in the house. Why should i have to live in awkwardness? But i know i will be ignored, i can see her being in in months to come despite me saying she has a month....0
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I'd be mad, too! You're all sharing a living space. That's something that needs to be discussed.
It's time for a house meeting! The new girl may be under the impression that everyone agreed. That should be brought to her attention. Finances and house rules should be established, ASAP.0 -
You should say no... right now. Unless it's not your house, then you should look for other arrangements for yourself. Things are not going to get better from here.0
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These boundaries should have been established before you all moved in together, and since they weren't you are suffering the consequences. You're allowed to be annoyed, they should have called a meeting and discussed the decision with all the rent paying members of the household.
You are going to be living with her for a year, so you need to take a breath and realize you can't change it and decide how you want that year to go. Do you want to be angry and uncomfortable in your house for the next year, or do you want to suck it up, try to befriend her and possibly have a lot of fun?0 -
If she's not on the lease, I'd be more concerned with any damages she might cause. You said she's a partier, right? Any damages she causes, she's not liable for legally since she's not on the lease. You need to get that straightened out immediately. Not to mention I'm sure you had to put some kind of security deposit down, right? She should have to pay back 25% of that to you guys as well.0
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This is EXACTLY why I do not have roommates (except my BF). I had roommates for 4 years and had enough. Put your foot down on this one. If someone moved in without your consent, you have the right to make them leave. If this "friend" of yours lets someone move in without consulting you, then they are only going to do other things without your knowing. Not to mention if this new girl keeps bringing friends over, I WOULD BE PEEVED!!!
I'd be most concerned about this. Since it sounds like you can't make her leave, I'd at least get her part of the lease and deposit. She can't have a free ride. None of you will be getting breaks when it comes to putting down a deposit, so she should not have them either. Nor should she be allowed to deter from your deposit refund!!!If she's not on the lease, I'd be more concerned with any damages she might cause. You said she's a partier, right? Any damages she causes, she's not liable for legally since she's not on the lease. You need to get that straightened out immediately. Not to mention I'm sure you had to put some kind of security deposit down, right? She should have to pay back 25% of that to you guys as well.0 -
My husband, his parents, even his grandparents have always said...there is NO room for more than ONE family (or ONE couple) in a home. Any more than that, and there will nothing but discord.
I'd rethink my living arrangements, and also start analyzing (you're going for psychology, right? This should be easy) your BF's moves, and not sticking up for you. Is that truly someone you want to be with for the long-term? If he can't back you up on something like this, how can you count on him to back you up on something down the road that might be more important?
Best of luck to you!0 -
since it is the 3 of you and now she's joining, you should make her sign your own agreement.
make sure you add these little diddies:
1. Parties by planning only (especially since you are going to be studying).
2. Agreements on PETS! to include small critters like rabbits, snakes, birds, and heck- even fish tanks.
3. It is not ok to just bring someone home with you anytime you feel. This isn't a frat house.
4. Any damage done to the apartment by the new person THEY are liable for. (we had a roomate who tried to get his deposit back from us after he had ruined a porch swing and then failed to replace it).
5. not sure of your age, you look young -- rules on drugs and drug paraphanelia and cigarette or cigar smoking.
where is it ok to have food?
cleaning up after themselves.
and where is she going to stay? if it's a 2 room, she'll be staying in the friend's room i suppose. maybe you should add that no extra people crashing on the couch.
a grocery agreement. everyone buys their own doesn't always work. maybe you could chip in and put together a meal plan. (heck, you're on mfp maybe everyone will do this!)0 -
Yes, apparently the landlord is going to write up a contract for her to sign. Formal action before informal, charming. I guess you are all right, I will have to put up with it. I stand by my 'only for a month to find somewhere new' statement though.0
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who is listed on the lease agreement? if it's just you, your boyfriend, and your friend, it may actually be against the lease agreement to have another person living there, sub-leasing from you. look at your paperwork and if you can, use that to get the girl out of YOUR PLACE! or use it to back out of the lease and just leave the original friend and the new roomie to pay for the rest of the lease term. the new person shouldn't ruin the rest of the year for you.
or hey, just make her life a living hell. that should get rid of your problem within 2-3 weeks if you do it right. eat all her food. throw out everything she leaves on the kitchen or bathroom counter, throw her stuff out in the hall- if you live in an apartment complex. and while you're at it, make the friend's life hell too. you should've been asked, NOT told a week after the fact. you clearly had a spare bedroom for a reason, you didn't want anyone else in it!0 -
Ha, I like your style! My tolerance regarding messiness will definitely decrease! And everything else for that matter. I'm never consulted on anything tht goes on in this house. It's ridiculous. I've just told me boyfriend that he should have stuck up for himself, and for me like he said he would. And he got all stressy and stormed off up stairs - again an example of not sticking up for himself!!! He seems like he just swans through life, care-free!who is listed on the lease agreement? if it's just you, your boyfriend, and your friend, it may actually be against the lease agreement to have another person living there, sub-leasing from you. look at your paperwork and if you can, use that to get the girl out of YOUR PLACE! or use it to back out of the lease and just leave the original friend and the new roomie to pay for the rest of the lease term. the new person shouldn't ruin the rest of the year for you.
or hey, just make her life a living hell. that should get rid of your problem within 2-3 weeks if you do it right. eat all her food. throw out everything she leaves on the kitchen or bathroom counter, throw her stuff out in the hall- if you live in an apartment complex. and while you're at it, make the friend's life hell too. you should've been asked, NOT told a week after the fact. you clearly had a spare bedroom for a reason, you didn't want anyone else in it!0 -
Yes, apparently the landlord is going to write up a contract for her to sign. Formal action before informal, charming. I guess you are all right, I will have to put up with it. I stand by my 'only for a month to find somewhere new' statement though.
Your boyfriend has already shown that he won't support you on an agreement that the three of you already made.
I'd say keep the apartment as three people, your (possibly former) boyfriend, his friend, and the new girl. Go find a small one bedroom flat of your own where you can study.
Your degree is important, and so is your living situation. If the people around you have decided that you have no say in the way you live your life, then find new people who will respect your boundaries.
Tell the landlord that the new girl is replacing you on the lease, and have her give you your share of the security deposit.0 -
Yes, apparently the landlord is going to write up a contract for her to sign. Formal action before informal, charming. I guess you are all right, I will have to put up with it. I stand by my 'only for a month to find somewhere new' statement though.
Your boyfriend has already shown that he won't support you on an agreement that the three of you already made.
I'd say keep the apartment as three people, your (possibly former) boyfriend, his friend, and the new girl. Go find a small one bedroom flat of your own where you can study.
Your degree is important, and so is your living situation. If the people around you have decided that you have no say in the way you live your life, then find new people who will respect your boundaries.
Tell the landlord that the new girl is replacing you on the lease, and have her give you your share of the security deposit.
I agree with this.0 -
I would tell the landlord I am NOT happy with her being there, and did not agree to it. Therefore, I would want my name removing from the lease, and replacing with her name. I would tell my boyfriend, that I am not prepared to live, and study in that environment...and I am looking for another place to live.
It is hard enough for any two adult human beings to live in harmony, let alone 4 of them. Especially when it starts of with one of them barging their way in.
I would hate every minute of going home. Home SHOULD be a sanctuary, not a hostile environment.
Best of luck0 -
I think I will do this. Find somewhere else in time for the start back of uni. You are so right. Thank you!I would tell the landlord I am NOT happy with her being there, and did not agree to it. Therefore, I would want my name removing from the lease, and replacing with her name. I would tell my boyfriend, that I am not prepared to live, and study in that environment...and I am looking for another place to live.
It is hard enough for any two adult human beings to live in harmony, let alone 4 of them. Especially when it starts of with one of them barging their way in.
I would hate every minute of going home. Home SHOULD be a sanctuary, not a hostile environment.
Best of luck0 -
Yes, apparently the landlord is going to write up a contract for her to sign. Formal action before informal, charming. I guess you are all right, I will have to put up with it. I stand by my 'only for a month to find somewhere new' statement though.
Your boyfriend has already shown that he won't support you on an agreement that the three of you already made.
I'd say keep the apartment as three people, your (possibly former) boyfriend, his friend, and the new girl. Go find a small one bedroom flat of your own where you can study.
Your degree is important, and so is your living situation. If the people around you have decided that you have no say in the way you live your life, then find new people who will respect your boundaries.
Tell the landlord that the new girl is replacing you on the lease, and have her give you your share of the security deposit.
I agree with this.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Just find your own place.0 -
I did suggest that, but i was accused of making 'a mountain out of a molehill!' ...0
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All three of us are on the lease, we are all equally in the agreement. Me, my boyfriend and our friend.
If her name is not on the lease then you have every right to call the police and have her and her stuff removed from the premises. It's called trespassing. Doesn't matter if the other two lease-holders have (or haven't) said she can be there,. If her name is not on the lease, she is not allowed to be there.0 -
That is exactly why I've chosen to live alone when I move -- well that and I have two dogs.
You should have a house conversation about what's going to work for everyone and what isn't going to work (i.e., late night parties, having oodles of friends over all the time, etc etc) -- if she [and her boyfriend] can't abide by house rules then tell them to find somewhere else to live. Its you, your boyfriend, and your friend's place -- the 4th person isn't even on the lease so shouldn't really have a say in anything.0 -
I did suggest that, but i was accused of making 'a mountain out of a molehill!' ...
No....you are not making a mountain out of a molehill.
Your boyfriend did not stand up for you or himself.
These other two have found they can divide and conquer you and your b/f.
Therefore you will be stuck with her face in your face everytime you come home.
I would find my own apartment (boyfriend NOT invited except visits if you choose) and let that be it.
I know how hard working for a Psychology degree is, I have my masters. You don't need the stress EVERY SINGLE DAY when you come home.
Parties? Do you know the people they hang out with? Would be terrible if they were friends with thiefs, people who destroy your apartment, etc. Trust me, when my husband was getting out of the lease (he let the jerk live there by himself and STILL Paid half the rent!! DUH!) with his old roommate we wound up paying MUCH more than we should have because his friend was an idiot and put dogs in the apartment (no pets in the lease), broke light fixtures when drunk. NOte, my husband and I were living in a home together when everything was broken and he didn't think the company would let him out of the lease. So we got screwed out of A LOT of money. My husband wasn't willing to stand up for himself either. He learned that lesson really fast.
Be careful.0
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