Do your loved ones boycott your diet?

lulabelle56 · August 2012

Hello everyone, newbie here with a good 15 kgs to shed

. I have decided to shape up as I canot really use the post baby weight as an excuse now my little one is getting close to 18 months old, but I have a little bit of a problem and I was wondering if anyone had experiencde the same problem?

Basically my dear mum is coming to stay with me and my partner for a couple of weeks at the end of the month. It's not a problem in itself as I love her dearly and she is a fantastic nanna to our son (on top of being a great human being overall!) but the trouble is, she cannot stand to see me diet. If I talk about it, she will nod and say amen to everything I say, when when she sees me restrict my portions and focus on healthy food (eg: veg, lean meats) and cut down on 'bad' ones (like sweet stuff or fats), she'll start wincing and comment on how difficult it must be, how bad I must be feeling etc... If she offers to do us lunch and say she will cook something healthy, she will invariably add stuff like creme fraiche, heaps of butter, cheese etc... to whatever she is cooking.
We are very close to each other and I generally end up giving up and go back to my bad habits (not her fault, I know, but the lack of support gets me down). Then I moan about how fat I look and she feels sorry for me and we are back to square 1.

I was wondering if you ever had a well meaning partner/parent/sibling/friend who you felt was not helping you at all, and how you handled it? thanks.

PS; hope it makes sense cause Im in a rush and kinda typing super fast, thanks!

Charity2001 · August 2012

I totally feel ya on this one. Whenever i go home, it's buffet restaurants and backyard bbq's. So, I take one serving of whatever meat was prepared and load my plate with salad and veggies. I mean load. Pile it on. Stacks of it, I tell you! The roughage in the leafy vegetables will fill you up with practically no calories to speak of. My family doesn't "wince" at my food choices, but they do give me the " birthday cake calories don't count." "Vacation calories don't count." "Holiday meal calories don't count." I just laugh with them and keep chomping away. Smile and laugh with your mum, show her you're NOT suffering. Hopefully she'll catch on sooner rather than later.

jordanreddick · August 2012

My mother is not exactly the same, but similar. She has told me all my life how overweight I am and could not give me a compliment to save her life, especially when it came to weight loss. She is a typical southern woman who cooks with fat back and butter and a ton of salt. She will have leftovers from cooking when I come to pick up my daughter on days when she keeps her and all I do is politely say no. Or I have already been to get a smoothie and I sit there and drink it while my daughter finishes eating. You can't let the words get to you because this is YOUR journey. She is projecting her insecurities with what she would be able to endure dieting onto you. Obviously you don't think it is that hard or you wouldn't be doing it, you don't think the portions are restrictive or you wouldn't be satisfied with them. If she offers to cook, decline or make the same thing for yourself the actual healthy way. Hope this helps, good luck!

Rage4lightning · August 2012

I've been very lucky recently. I actually got my mom to join MFP and she is doing well in tracking her calories. We're making these decision together. On top of that, my boyfriend (who I share an apartment with) happily goes along with my new eating choices *and* exercises with me. My best friend actually introduced me to this site. So I've got three solid support systems in place now. But I've also been through times where friends have not been supportive. It was rough until I realized that the comments and decisions they were making weren't about me. They were projecting how they believed they would feel if they were making the same decisions I was.

Just remember, you're not on a diet. You are making healthy choices now so that you can be healthy for the rest of your life. Make it a little harder for her to wince by letting her see how much better you feel now that you're eating well. Stick with your new choices for a while and you'll realize how much more energy you have and that will over ride all of the wincing, clucking, and unhealthy "health" food your mom throws your way.

kyowa1 · August 2012

I feel you. My whole family is very overweigh, except myself. I have about 15 pounds to lose, but I'm definitely not obese. My doctor has advised I lose a little bit of weight as I am pre-diabetic. Every time I try to talk to my mom about losing weight/becoming healthier, she says I am "obsessing", which I DON'T. I explained to her the other day that as I've gotten older, (I'll be 40 in December) that the weight is coming on much easier and losing is much harder, so if I don't change my eating habits for GOOD now, I'll just continue on a downward slope until I am obese in the future. She keeps telling "I need to do this for myself, not because a doctor tells me", etc. I sometimes thing she wants me to be overweight so I'll "fit in" or something. It makes me mad, and kind of depressed.

My husband is also kind of the same. He's never been overweight, he's 5'10 and 175 pounds. He says he's tired of me watching what I eat so closely, that I need to "cheat". I do agree with cheating here and there, but we went out to dinner last night and I ended up NINE HUNDRED calories over. He kept ordering me beers, which is one of my biggest downfalls. And once I start drinking, I end up putting more food in my mouth. I know ultimately it's my responsibility as to what I eat, but he is doing nothing to help me. Thankfully, I was 500 calories under on Monday with my exercise, and should be around 500 under today if I'm careful. I still feel as if I am in this alone,

yoovie · August 2012

Your life, your responsibility.

Calories do not burn faster based on how many people are in your support group, and the number of active friends on your friends list does not determine how much weight you can lift

lulabelle56 · August 2012

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Obviously I am ultimately responsible for what I put in my mouth and I hate to sound like I am putting the blame on her for my extra kilos, because I am not. It is just difficult to successfully keep focussed when a loved one cannot stand to see you diet.

Like I said we are on very good terms and I have had the chance to speak to her about this, she explains it by mentioning that a student of her died of anorexia when she was teaching nursing and it kinda scared her about her daughters dieting. I have dieted successfully in the past and only aim to get my pre-pregnancy body back so i would not do anything drastic and I have told her so, but she still cannot help it so it is me who has to reassure her I guess.

Regarding her upcoming visit, I think I will simply not mention the fact that I have decided to shift my love handles for good and just eat heathily, take charge for what we all have for dinner and eat small portions of whatever she cooks if I cannot help it.

It is weird though, the way people project themselves into what you do. I sometimes wonder if this is not some sort of control thing with her, not in an abusive way of course but part of the problem might be that me going on a diet is something she cannot control and she frets a little over it. Anyway I'm 30 now so that shouldn't get to me lol.

Anyway thanks again for the replies, keep em coming =D

lbigham1 · August 2012

Make it known how good what you're doing for yourself feels. Perhaps if your mom knows you really are happy about the changes your are making, she will respect and support your efforts. :flowerforyou:

gonnabethinandfit · August 2012

My family constantly surrounds me with unhealthy food. They happened to be blessed with lightning-speed metabolisms. I hate it. I don't eat after 6pm, and if I want to watch a movie with my mother, there is no way to avoid her constant snacking and alluring aromas. I ask them every single day to please get that out of my face, but they just don't understand. It's funny how they can't understand, when there are multiple studies that show that seeing/smelling food has an EXTREMELY significant effect on your response. In other words, if it's there, you'll probably eat it. Seriously, you think you can order a massive pizza and I won't notice? Especially when you never finish it and leave it in the fridge staring at me for a week? Jeez... I can't wait to be on my own.

lulabelle56 · August 2012

There! You nailed it, that's exactly what I mean. I can see from you ticker that you are almost there though, well done you, 27lbs is a massive amount of weight... you must be so proud

elyelyse · August 2012

I find that when it comes to conflict, it's best to discuss it BEFORE it feels like a conflict. (by the time we are upset about it, our emotions take over and its hard to think clearly) Instead of waiting until you are at the table and she is wincing, or before she comments on anything, sit down to discuss it with her in a way that doesn't seem confrontational. Explain why it's so important to you, and how having her support would be a great help, and tell her how she can support you. Try not to seem like you are criticizing her; more of a "this is what *I* need to be successful" perspective instead of "i don't like when you do x y & z". That will (hopefully) help her see that you are owning the whole thing, you know you are responsible, but that you can really use her help. Explain how difficult it can be without support.

After that, if she makes faces, or cooks in a way that contradicts what you need... that's on HER, and she can't really get offended if your feelings are hurt, or if you decide not to eat when she is serving. It will have been her choice to disregard your request. I'm not saying that will be easy emotionally, but you will know that you are doing what's best for you, and frankly, if she can't support that, too bad on her.

Camille0502 · August 2012

My sister used to come visit and cook really greasy, heavy stuff. I realized that she really doesn't know how to cook any differently! So while she would visit, I would suck it up and eat it - but I wouldn't let it derail me forever.

Do your loved ones boycott your diet?

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