In a bad spot! HELP!
amh1974
Posts: 79 Member
So what I'm going to tell you doesn't really have much to do with weightloss. I actually have been for the most part been pushing myself harder because of it all. It's really personal life help with my romantic life. I started dating a guy almost 3 years ago. Last spring he proposed and I happily accepted. We generally share the same interests, attitude and ideas. He has 2 kids, I have 2 kids and quite honestly we are like the Brady Bunch. We even have the dog! We don't live together but the 6 of us do spend a lot of time together and all get along well. It's scary because I've heard the nightmares about people's children hating each other. So we're fortunate that way.
This past week I was having a terrible week. My mother gave sensitive mail to my ex-husband and told him to open it. I had to fight with him just to get my mail, that was addressed to me, returned. I was livid about that. My brother had stopped by and told my fiance something and told him it was a "secret" and asked him not to tell me specifically. I know mother was there when it was said and it's not a secret if a bunch f people already know...HELLO!!! My fiance refuses to tell me what my brother told him but he keeps telling me it's nothing but gossip and if it was important that he would tell me. He keeps saying he can't break a promise to my brother. I say that's crap because he's told me things like that before.
It has really caused a problem because I've never kept secrets from him and I have always kept secrets that he has confided in me secret. He keeps telling me to go ask my mother and to let it go. I can't let it go because he keeps asking about it. He keeps saying did you ask your mother yet? My mother says that it isn't a secret and she's really not sure what he's talking about. We don't have secrets in our family. Even secrets that should be secrets aren't secrets! My mother can also be clueless sometimes so I really believe that she doesn't think of it as a secret. I think my fiance should just tell me and trust as he always has in the past that I'm not going to say anything to anyone. I never have and never will.
I could probably deal with him not telling me if:
1.) He hadn't always told me everything in the past, including BIG secrets
2.) Other people already know!!!
3.) It's causing a huge problem between us!!!
It's causing a HUGE problem. I seriously feel like he's been dangling the carrot in front of me by continuing to bring it up. I never put anything ahead of us and I won't. Relationships don't work well when other things get in the way. This is getting in the way and I don't know what to do. He's mentioned splitting up over this. I could really use some advice on how to handle this one.
This past week I was having a terrible week. My mother gave sensitive mail to my ex-husband and told him to open it. I had to fight with him just to get my mail, that was addressed to me, returned. I was livid about that. My brother had stopped by and told my fiance something and told him it was a "secret" and asked him not to tell me specifically. I know mother was there when it was said and it's not a secret if a bunch f people already know...HELLO!!! My fiance refuses to tell me what my brother told him but he keeps telling me it's nothing but gossip and if it was important that he would tell me. He keeps saying he can't break a promise to my brother. I say that's crap because he's told me things like that before.
It has really caused a problem because I've never kept secrets from him and I have always kept secrets that he has confided in me secret. He keeps telling me to go ask my mother and to let it go. I can't let it go because he keeps asking about it. He keeps saying did you ask your mother yet? My mother says that it isn't a secret and she's really not sure what he's talking about. We don't have secrets in our family. Even secrets that should be secrets aren't secrets! My mother can also be clueless sometimes so I really believe that she doesn't think of it as a secret. I think my fiance should just tell me and trust as he always has in the past that I'm not going to say anything to anyone. I never have and never will.
I could probably deal with him not telling me if:
1.) He hadn't always told me everything in the past, including BIG secrets
2.) Other people already know!!!
3.) It's causing a huge problem between us!!!
It's causing a HUGE problem. I seriously feel like he's been dangling the carrot in front of me by continuing to bring it up. I never put anything ahead of us and I won't. Relationships don't work well when other things get in the way. This is getting in the way and I don't know what to do. He's mentioned splitting up over this. I could really use some advice on how to handle this one.
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Replies
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Have you told him this? Have you expressed to him how much this is bothering you and that it is causing problems in your relationship? He said that it wasn't anything important, so if you tell him how upsetting this is to you, then he should tell you. Regardless of how insignificant this "secret" is, if it is something that is bothering you or upsetting you then he should do what he can to make it right....tell you! So I suggest talking to him about how this situation and "secret" is affecting you and your relationship. If he cares about you and loves you then he doesn't want you upset and doesn't want to hurt you or the relationship.0
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Just cannot believe it! Is his loyalty to you or your brother? Unless it's a good secret (like a surprise party or special event for you), there should be no reason he doesn't confide in you.
Good luck! Ask your brother about this secret!0 -
DISCLAIMER: The following is my opinion and YMMV.
Your fiance's behavior is manipulative at best, and controlling at worst - signs of a potential emotional abuser
He refuses to tell you because he promised your brother. This is tripe. One's fiancee should be more important than the fiancee's family members, especially over something like this. He's refusing to tell you because he's enjoying it when you beg.
When you stop begging, he brings it up again. There's no reason for him to keep bringing it up unless he likes upsetting you.
He's mentioned splitting up over this.
All that, over something that's "just gossip"? I think NOT!0 -
Copy and Paste this into an email format and send to him. You expressed it best by writing it down. Behavior cant change unless all parties involved are aware of the problem.
Why is your brothers trust more important than yours? Unless this is some sort of surprise but then still he should continue to bring it up.
Keep your head up and best of luck!!0 -
This is ridiculous. Your fiance, your mother, and brother are all acting like children on the playground telling secrets. Come on, we are all adults here. I would blame your mother for starting trouble. Tell your fiance (and know for yourself) that secrets and distrust do not fit into the recipe for a healthy relationship and if he does not wish to work with you to have good open communication and honesty then you have got something to consider.
Like another poster said:
When you stop begging, he brings it up again. There's no reason for him to keep bringing it up unless he likes upsetting you.
He's mentioned splitting up over this.
You are the only one who can choose how long you let it go on.0
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