my bff is KILLING ME. again.

SocialRopes · August 2012

i've had a week filled with fairly significant non-scale victories. victories that i largely keep to myself because i have found that most people, unless they are also on a weight loss or fitness journey, don't want to hear about them. so in an effort to make others more comfortable, i have tried my best to redirect any words of praise, to acknowledge that i have had a lot of help getting to where i am now, to not be self-promoting, and to not share my nsv's with others. but every once in awhile it would be nice if i could share something, ANYthing, with my best friend. i've been focused for the last year and a half, and she has admitted being jealous of my success. i won't bore you with the details, but it was so bad that on a couple of occasions i have questioned whether or not the friendship was worth the dissonance. in the end i realized that it is indeed worth the effort.

i'm tired, though. i'm tired of having to avoid any conversations that involve my fitness goals or the stress that this journey can put me through at times; i don't share victories with her; i feel like i can't even express how tired i am after a run or workout because she'll just roll her eyes; dare i talk about bulking or cutting because that's a concept that might just blow her mind. so, i dance around everything. i've learned to do this with most people as we should all try to be more humble and put others first...but still.

so, why do i keep this so called best friend? i love her and we have a significant history together, over a decade. i know she is struggling with my success and i shouldn't fault her for it. this past week, though, this has really been weighing on my mind as she has been pulling away (thanks to a recent nsv of mine that she found out about and can't handle). this issue, coupled with another unrelated issue, is killing me this week and i'm not sure what to do about it. if you've gone through this with your bff, i'd love to hear your advice, or some words of encouragement as i ride this out.

smnmltn · August 2012

At the risk of sounding cliche (and getting punched...I've seen your arms up close), have you talked to her about the situation and how it makes you feel? It's very noble of you to consider her feelings and suppress your victories, but is she considering your feelings? Aside from a spouse, I would think that your bff would or should be your most reliable source of support and encouragement. If she can't see how her reactions and/or avoidance are hurting you, you may have to adjust how you maintain your friendship. I wouldn't dare say cut her off, that's something I would do. But, some distance may be required due to the toxic turn the relationship has taken. Does it suck, HECK YEAH! At the same rate, you've worked too hard and come too far not to have that celebrated and recognized by those who are important to you. Pray about it and follow what gives you peace. Besides...stressing increases cortisol production, which leads to weight gain...AROUND THE MIDDLE!!!

Thank you for being my inspiration. I can't wait to get to where you are!

arcticfox04 · August 2012

Sounds like you need to take a break. Just keep some distance for a month or so till your bff figures it out.

xxvogue · August 2012

I just want to say, I empathize with you soo much, and I could do nothing other than offer you mental hugs and my understanding.

It's unbelievable how negative one of my former best friends (who is smaller than me but still overweight) was to me. I literally lost a friend because of weight loss. People I consider "acquaintances" have been far more supportive than she ever was, and have commented on all my victories both scale and non-scale on facebook. We've always talked about weight loss too, her and I. And she wanted to lose some as well, but where I chose natural foods and better eating, she chose slimfast and meal replacement (which might work for some people but it definitely was not working for her). With her it blew up one day when she accused me of calling her fat. Because... that makes sense. Mind you, I haven't even lost that much weight yet (though I do intend to!) I said; "I'm done with you, and I'm done with this."

I had to end the friendship, and I stopped talking to her. It was toxic and damaging, and it hurt so bad anyways. I loved her. She messaged me a little later with an apology, which I accepted, but I have made no effort to contact her. It hurts, but ultimately I think it's better for me. I can't live my life walking on eggshells. I just.. I can't believe friends treat one another like this. I can't. I talked to her and she wasn't receptive. If your friend isn't, you really might have trouble salvaging your relationship. Maybe if you do talk to her about your feelings though, she'll be better.

But beautiful, you really shouldn't have to hide your victories.

SocialRopes · August 2012

thanks, guys ~ the solution seems so simple and some would even take the "a true friend wouldn't treat you like that" route, but it's just not that easy.
we have talked. twice. and that is why i can empathize with her to an extent. she just can't seem to get into the fitness game -- she's even met with my trainer/dietitian for a while, but it didn't work out that way she hoped. she admitted that her competitive nature with me was her downfall and that she is sad about not being able to be fully happy for me.
it's a demon within her, something she needs to work through. i wouldn't necessarily call this relationship toxic -- people who know me know that i have no problem eliminating the toxic and negative people from my life. i just need to continue to support her during her lows and hope that she will rise again.
and you're right, i shouldn't have to hide my victories, i should shout them from the rooftops! but again, being humble is always on the back of my mind. i find myself wanting to pull back when i talk about them. they're nice to talk about in the right setting, but i still try to keep most of them on the dl.

PunkyRachel · August 2012

I want to hug you! I'm in the same boat with my best friend since preschool. We used to talk about everything and do just about everything together. Since I started losing weight, I have to tiptoe around the subject any mention of take a walk together or my diet or anything weight loss related she shuts off and gets moody with me. The sad thing is In January she wanted to lose weight herself, we were exercise/diet partners, but because she didn't get instant results she gave up and is now insanely jealous of my success. I'm to the point were I can't stand to be around her! When we are together we don't talk, it's like we are strangers. The only thing that's holding me back from cut ties completely is the fast we have known each other for over 20 years. It saddens me that she is being a b*tch to me now. I know she is depressed and she refused to open up about anything. Hugs girl! hope we can both get though this with our friends!

slkehl · August 2012

Bringing up your progress is clearly hurting her. She has a lot of issues within herself and doesn't need constant reminders of her failure. To you, it's sharing NSV, to her it's completely different. You're only bringing up more jealousy which can only harm the relationship. I'd stay away from the topic. BUT I encourage you to find support somewhere! Join a class at the gym, a running club, talk to a friend that's into fitness...there are plenty of people out there, you've just got to find them.

We've all got our hangups. It's normal, and it doesn't make her less of a friend imo

ldrosophila · August 2012

ive been trying to downplay mine which is a shame

SocialRopes · August 2012

thanks, everyone ~ i appreciate the support and advice!

my bff is KILLING ME. again.

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