I need to rant and I'm sorry...
stillthesamegirl
Posts: 112 Member
in Chit-Chat
Okay... Lets start off by saying. I moved to a different country for my boyfriend. Lately we have been fighting so much I cannot handle it. He says I control him. I don't think he has any idea what a controlling woman is because I have never told him he is not allowed to do anything. Tonight he says he had something to do . I ask him what it is and he says to prove a point he wont tell me what he is doing. Ofcourse this bothers me... I want to know where he is going to be and I think that is only fair. Then when he comes home I try and talk to him about it and he goes off on me..He says I control his life and I have to know every second he breathes. I am suppose to just not care at all about what he does? I find it so disrespectful to leave ur gf at home and not even tell her where your going to "make a point". I would never do that to him. He tells me that I always have to get my point across and says that girls probably think I'm a *kitten* because im "so strong". This REALLY set me off. I don't even know what that means. I said " **** YOU. YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE ****ING COUCH" and I slammed the door. He goes into the other room with his friend like it didn't phase him at all and is laughing. I am so beyond upset. I have no friends or family and I'm in a different country and now I dont even have a supportive boyfriend. I cannot stop crying.
Sorry for all the typos. I am in one of those desperate emotional states.
Sorry for all the typos. I am in one of those desperate emotional states.
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Replies
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A honest man has nothing to hide. It sounds like he is verbally abusive. Is it possible he is freaking out that you took such a big step to move to another country. I would see if he's be willing to go to couples counseling. It sounds like he feels trapped, and doesn't think how you must feel all alone with no one else nearby you could reach out to. I've never been one to throw something away unless it couldn't be fixed but you need to learn when to stay and when to let go. Maybe it was too big of a step to move in with him, let alone in a strange place.0
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He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.0
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This sounds like an awful position. I'm sorry that I can't rescue you, but I'd say let him laugh it up for a while. Try not to let him see you upset. Instead of being upset, go out by yourself, find a friend. Someone to talk to, and know that you are absolutely right. You are not being controlling, he is being a jerk. But when you go out, do the same thing to him, don't tell him where you are going, just go. Let him see how you feel. Then try to talk to him calmly. No yelling. And come to an agreement.
If you can't come to a compromise, maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend. ?
I wish you the best. If you want to add me, I'll do my best to be supportive and if nothing else, an ear to hear what you have on your chest. (:0 -
You should let him off the leash0
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You should let him off the leash
Does that mean give him a break or break up with him?0 -
You are at a difficult transition period and it isnt going to be easy for either of you. You moved to a different country to be with him and left your friends and family behind and are probably a little lonely and looking for him to fill the void. He is adjusting to a new relationship and may have never had a serious love in relationship before and is feeling a lot of pressure and likely inexperienced in the finer points of being a good boyfriend. Its a tough situation and I hope you make it through, because it does get better.0
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You are at a difficult transition period and it isnt going to be easy for either of you. You moved to a different country to be with him and left your friends and family behind and are probably a little lonely and looking for him to fill the void. He is adjusting to a new relationship and may have never had a serious love in relationship before and is feeling a lot of pressure and likely inexperienced in the finer points of being a good boyfriend. Its a tough situation and I hope you make it through, because it does get better.
I really appreciate this response. You seem to have hit it head on. How do you work through something like this. I just dont know.0 -
Time. Thats about it. Most couples go through a difficult period, especially after moving in together. But once you are over ot, the whole thing gets a lot better. If you can get over it, that is.0
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Kalynx
i was trolling the boards and read that and thought oh wow what a pretty girl, she reminds me of someone, then was reading and was like ugh, it sounds like an abusive relationship I cant take this tonight...now just realized its you. gf you gotta make yourself first. period. end of story. might be time to think about a change that will work for you. he will need to figure it out on his own, and the answer is "he cant live without you." I'm sorry. Please message me if you want to talk more any time. 0 -
I hate gender-generalising, but "seeing things from my point of view" is something that many women can do easily, and therefore expect that others find this easy also. Whereas many men find that really hard.
I think you can work this one out if you can manage to talk calmly and reasonably about it - though that is easier said than done.
Good luck!0 -
hun! i understand me and my boyfriend well ex just broke up because he always has this hidden agenda and last night he got off work at 11:30 like always gets home at 12 ish but he never called me so i called him a couple of times completely worried. we dont live together so i wasnt sure if he even made it home. and then around 4 or 5 he calls me back saying he just woke up! he didnt even seen tired but i didnt say anything at all i just asked a couple of questions like where were you. thinking we been together for 2 years and use to tell each other everything and we have been talking about getting married soon so we can move in together ( religious reasons). its so dumb he can do this to me. he always does this he always has to hide where he is and what he is doing! its not fair to me idk what he is doing! and then when he came over today after ignoring my calls all day for no reason! he comes over. i asked him a couple of questions with out grilling him and then i asked to see his phone just to see if he would hand it over and he told me i dont pay the phone bill i have my own phone i have no right to touch his phone! so im like ok your hiding something! so i pretty much broke up with him because i cant stand the constant hiding and lying! ugh it is so frustrating! he cheated in the past and now i think he is doing it again! oh well his lost! but it still hurts so much! i guess im with you need to rant a little to! i just dont have many or any one to talk to so here i put it0
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Oh wow thats a horrible situation. Especially when he cheated in the past . I would go crazy... Ive been in that situation in the past and I could never trust him again. In this situation ... I know he's not cheater. I have no doubt in my mind which I am thankful for. But I still feel super under-appreciated. I hope you know you are better without this guy. You don't deserve someone who you have to worry about being faithful.0
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Kalynx i was trolling the boards and read that and thought oh wow what a pretty girl, she reminds me of someone, then was reading and was like ugh, it sounds like an abusive relationship I cant take this tonight...now just realized its you. gf you gotta make yourself first. period. end of story. might be time to think about a change that will work for you. he will need to figure it out on his own, and the answer is "he cant live without you." I'm sorry. Please message me if you want to talk more any time.
Definitely not an abusive relationship. I am a girl and I tend to dramaticize things. I know I'm not perfect and I should chill out sometimes. A lot of relationship posts are bias because you only hear the one persons side. My boyfriend is very good man mind you he definitely isn't perfect either and has a temper. We do have a strong relationship and love each other deeply. We only started arguing like this since this roommate moved in . I guess it's a test . But I don't want you thinking he is like this all time . I probably say things to him you would find condescending but before this month we rarely argued . I trust him deeply and I know he is faithful but we are having some issues since we are both going through a huge transition period in out lives as a couple and our separate lives.0 -
thanks for telling me. 0 -
I can understand where you are coming from. I moved to another country myself to be with my significant other (US>UK).
It was (is) *really, really, really, really* daunting. I can understand that you will feel insecure and need massive amounts of understanding and compassion. Afterall, it's not what you know or are used to.
My husband didn't understand the growing pains I had to go through and still go through living in another country...that is...until we tried living in the US to see if that could ease some of the burden. We moved to the south, just one or two states below the OP. It taught him a valuable lesson: 1) It's hard to leave behind everything you knew...everyone you knew and try to move on some where new. (There will be HIGH emotions A LOT) 2) there is a massive culture shock 3) you have to stick together 4) I was made of stronger stuff than he was :blushing: because he wanted to move back to the UK less than a year later. Hell, it was probably a matter of less than 6 months before he admitted that he wanted to go home.
Since then he's been more considerate of how I feel about our relationship and our living circumstances. We've been married for ten years. It's not easy, but you do get used to it. Both have to make allowances to make the transition easier.
Sounds to me that he is being resistant to having to be accountable to another individual, but that's the nature of living with someone and/or having a serious relationship. You have to be thoughtful, reasonable, accountable, be able to compromise (to a degree) and most of all be respectful at every turn of the road.
Though I must say....you have some massive control on not wanting to slap the living bejesus out of him for laughing about it.0 -
What's good for the goose is good for the gander. In other words, maybe it's time you took up some extra curricular activities and if he asks, remind him that no one needs to know the other's whereabouts at all times. I know childish, but so am I sometimes. This might also help you from feeling so isolated, if you were able to make connections outside of your relationship to him. Look up a club or activity you like and see if there is a local place to join. The other point, maybe he will realize that you could have other options and don't need him for everything and he might see how it feels to be left out a bit.0
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I appreciate all your advice . We had a serious talk today without getting heated and I think it was definitely needed .. We resolved a lot of issues and have had a great day.. Im so happy thank you all for being there for me . 0
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Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship
Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.0 -
I'm glad you have talked and things are better. Just wanted to tell you that this is an issue me and my husband had early in our relationship. He was 22 and had not had anyone concerned about where he was and what he was doing since he was 16. He did not understand why I needed to know what he was doing. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was that I missed him when he was gone and I was concerned that he was okay if he was gone for longer than I thought he logically should be. Anyway, we have been married 15 years, so, see it works itself out. But, it is an issue that I would not compromise on. I think it is very reasonable for you to expect him to let you know what he is doing.0
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Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship
Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.
Pretty much agree with this one.
I let her come and go as she pleases without an interrogation as to where she is going and what she's doing. I expect the same in return. We DO communicate well and we will usually volunteer the information as a matter of courtesy. When we are both home for the evening it would be highly unusual for either of us to just get up and leave without mentioning why we're leaving or where we are going. But during the day, she works, I work and sometimes we have something to do after work that might change our typical arrival time back home. Not a big deal, we're adults about it.
If she was constantly asked me "why are you 15 minutes late, where did you go, what did you do" I would feel smothered. That's not conversation, that's interrogation and no one appreciates it.0 -
Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship
Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.
Pretty much agree with this one.
I let her come and go as she pleases without an interrogation as to where she is going and what she's doing. I expect the same in return. We DO communicate well and we will usually volunteer the information as a matter of courtesy. When we are both home for the evening it would be highly unusual for either of us to just get up and leave without mentioning why we're leaving or where we are going. But during the day, she works, I work and sometimes we have something to do after work that might change our typical arrival time back home. Not a big deal, we're adults about it.
If she was constantly asked me "why are you 15 minutes late, where did you go, what did you do" I would feel smothered. That's not conversation, that's interrogation and no one appreciates it.
^^yup. I would hate the idea of having to account for every little thing I did!0 -
I appreciate all your advice . We had a serious talk today without getting heated and I think it was definitely needed .. We resolved a lot of issues and have had a great day.. Im so happy thank you all for being there for me .
Glad I could help (by doing the typical male thing and saying nothing) :drinker:0 -
ignore him for a few days. give him what he wants.0
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Get rid of the roommate guys tend to "show off" and pretend they don't care in front of their friends.0
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I agree with what somebody else on here posted about doing the same to him.. My husband pulled some crap on me the other day and lied about where he was going. I found out hours later that he was somewhere completely different and hanging out with friends rather than at the store when I thought he was coming right back... He didn't come back until very late that night. So the next day I did the same to him and he definitely did not like it. I say give him a taste of his own medicine and maybe he'll see where you're coming from. He shouldn't be hiding anything from you. If he continues like that then you might want to take a break from him altogether until he can learn to be respectful.0
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Abuse is abuse no matter what you call it. Even if it's "just verbal."
Edit: read it wrong, had to change what else I posted.0 -
only read the OP's original post, but sounds like something similar to what my bf and I have just been through... stay strong, we shouted for nights, didn't talk for days and then I offered to leave. We didn't talk for a few more days apart from snappy comments here and there... things are on the up & up now, I think we both just needed to realise some boundaries & needs with each other0
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Sounds like an irresponsible, manipulative, piece of sexist ****.
I would give him what he wants and ignore him, then leave with out telling him where you are going. ... WHICH IS HOME, because I would be DONE with that relationship.0 -
Remember this hun...Once a cheater, always a cheater. WTF? I'd pack my **** but hey, that's me.....I hope you find resolution soon...take care.0
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It is amazing how a single question is hounding and interrogating. So frickin' stupid.Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship
Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.
Pretty much agree with this one.
I let her come and go as she pleases without an interrogation as to where she is going and what she's doing. I expect the same in return. We DO communicate well and we will usually volunteer the information as a matter of courtesy. When we are both home for the evening it would be highly unusual for either of us to just get up and leave without mentioning why we're leaving or where we are going. But during the day, she works, I work and sometimes we have something to do after work that might change our typical arrival time back home. Not a big deal, we're adults about it.
If she was constantly asked me "why are you 15 minutes late, where did you go, what did you do" I would feel smothered. That's not conversation, that's interrogation and no one appreciates it.0
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