I need to rant and I'm sorry...
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We can't talk someone into feeling something other than what they feel. I totally get that you are feeling that he doesn't value your needs for communication and inclusion, but the Respect St. goes both ways. Consider that he might feel disrespected because he's made his feelings clear and asked you directly to back off, but the subject keeps coming back up. You both are asking each other to make changes. If neither one of you are willing to modify your expectations of each other it is indeed a control battle. Everyone loses in those.0
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leave his sorrie worthless *kitten*!0
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I think that I would also feel isolated being in a different country. To add to that, the further isolation of an unsupportive boyfriend seems almost too much to bear at once. Do you have family that you can connect with? Who or what is your suppot system beyond MFP?
The good news is that by surrounding yourself with loving, caring individuals you can overcome the situation you now find yourself in. Friend me if you'd like. You can do just about anything One Day At a Time (ODAT). Take care of yourself.
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All of you (for the most part) should just step back and listen to yourselves...
do it to him?
call him out?
get off his back?
These are not comments to help a healthy relationship. Who does those things??
Talk to him. If you cant work something as simple as this out (and yes, this is a SIMPLE problem) then you two should reconsider any relationship until you are ready for commitment, honest and being trustworthy, and trusted!
If you have to question where he is.. and if he feels the need to deny you that information, then you are simply playing childish games.0 -
(I am sending you a private message instead
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he's prooooooooooobably ....doing something he shouldnt......
he seems immature, and either unwilling or unable to communicate with you like an adult. I would not tolerate for too long, you will get walked all over.0 -
He is a great boyfriend..
A great boyfriend wouldn't laugh with his friend about you being upset. Sounds pretty childish to me.
And I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask where he is going.0 -
Duc, I agree with point 1 but not point 2. he can do whatever the hell he wants, and she doesn't care. she is not hounding him, she just wants to know where he is and what he's doing and there's nothing wrong in that. my husband and i both trust each other and have this unwritten rule that we always know where the other is to keep that trust going, and so i'm not up late at night wondering if he's gotten in a car accident or sleeping with another woman. if a man has a problem with sharing where he goes and what he does in a day with his woman, then obviously he has something to hide. otherwise, what's the big effing deal? just get over it and tell her for god sake she's not holding you back. why is it such a hassle?Mistake 1) moved out of country with a boyfriend - knowing there is a risk things could go south in a non-marriage relationship
Mistake 2) Hounding a guy that is complaining about being hounded all the time (>.<) TIP: As a dude when we complain about this crap.. DROP IT... show US it doesn't bother you! Don't hound us more about it, that's just going to make us want to tick you off with it even more.0 -
ThisAll of you (for the most part) should just step back and listen to yourselves...
do it to him?
call him out?
get off his back?
These are not comments to help a healthy relationship. Who does those things??
Talk to him. If you cant work something as simple as this out (and yes, this is a SIMPLE problem) then you two should reconsider any relationship until you are ready for commitment, honest and being trustworthy, and trusted!
If you have to question where he is.. and if he feels the need to deny you that information, then you are simply playing childish games.0 -
Like I said I talked to him.. We worked it out. I know he was nr doung anything wrong . I always worry about him when he is even with his family and it bothers him. So he chose not to tell me because he wanted to show me that I need to chill out. It was not right of him to deal with it that way, but he is not a "bad" guy and he is bothered when I treat him like one because of my ex's. He is not worthless or sorry and I will not be leaving him. I appreciate all of your input but I guess I forgot that people don't know him so it is easy to assume he is a certain way based on what I said. Anyway we have it all figured out and I think the main issue was us not communicating well... NOT that he is hiding anything or that i thought he was lying. Oh and someone said "once a cheater, always a cheater" . He has NEVER cheated lol. Anyways like I said I do appreciate the advice from people who took the time out to assess the situation!0
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I say, get all sexied up and walk outta the house without telling him where you are going. See how he reacts.0
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He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.
So sorry sweetie, but this will only get worse. You are young, very beautiful and you dont need this crappola. Move on and find the happiness and respect that you deserve.:flowerforyou:0 -
Like I said I talked to him.. We worked it out. I know he was nr doung anything wrong . I always worry about him when he is even with his family and it bothers him. So he chose not to tell me because he wanted to show me that I need to chill out. It was not right of him to deal with it that way, but he is not a "bad" guy and he is bothered when I treat him like one because of my ex's. He is not worthless or sorry and I will not be leaving him. I appreciate all of your input but I guess I forgot that people don't know him so it is easy to assume he is a certain way based on what I said. Anyway we have it all figured out and I think the main issue was us not communicating well... NOT that he is hiding anything or that i thought he was lying. Oh and someone said "once a cheater, always a cheater" . He has NEVER cheated lol. Anyways like I said I do appreciate the advice from people who took the time out to assess the situation!
Hey kiddo.
Let me ask you something....Do you find it easier to be loving to HIM, or to yourself?
To steal a line from Batman Begins - it's not who you are deep down, its what you DO that defines you.
Your BF Does some pretty ****ty things, based on what you said. If your BF does the things you're saying earlier in this thread, that betrays who he IS. You can justify whatever by calling it a simply failure to communicate, but from what you wrote your BF IS communicating CLEARLY.
Nobody who loves somebody can be a purposeful asshat to them then try to come up with something like "Oh, I didn't MEAN it when I was a complete ****, and tool!" If somebody REALLY loves you, sweety, being a **** to you is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm not talking about honest mistakes. I'm talking about purposely being a *kitten*-breath in action and words.
Being polite and loving to others is SO easy...but it is plainly RUDE to not be nice and loving to oneself.
Keep up the good fight, sweetcheeks.
- DD0 -
no, he isn't. You won't find any long term successful relationships with a partner acting like that.He is a great boyfriend.. But when he gets into certain "moods" he never tries to look at things from my point of view. I just hate doing so much for someone and they act like they can walk all over me and change me.0 -
Okay... Lets start off by saying. I moved to a different country for my boyfriend. Lately we have been fighting so much I cannot handle it. He says I control him. I don't think he has any idea what a controlling woman is because I have never told him he is not allowed to do anything. Tonight he says he had something to do . I ask him what it is and he says to prove a point he wont tell me what he is doing. Ofcourse this bothers me... I want to know where he is going to be and I think that is only fair. Then when he comes home I try and talk to him about it and he goes off on me..He says I control his life and I have to know every second he breathes. I am suppose to just not care at all about what he does? I find it so disrespectful to leave ur gf at home and not even tell her where your going to "make a point". I would never do that to him. He tells me that I always have to get my point across and says that girls probably think I'm a *kitten* because im "so strong". This REALLY set me off. I don't even know what that means. I said " **** YOU. YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE ****ING COUCH" and I slammed the door. He goes into the other room with his friend like it didn't phase him at all and is laughing. I am so beyond upset. I have no friends or family and I'm in a different country and now I dont even have a supportive boyfriend. I cannot stop crying.
Sorry for all the typos. I am in one of those desperate emotional states.
You're gorgeous and you deserve so much better than that. I've never moved to another country, but I've moved to another state for my bf. Let me tell you, I broke it off the minute I knew the relationship wasn't going to work. You don't deserve the abuse and the mind games. Try to get out there and meet new people, makes some friends and move on.0 -
To make something clear .. This is not a pattern of behavior. If your my friend on here youd be aware of a little background that his friend just moved in with us for a short period of time and I detest him.. The roommate has been causing tension between my boyfriend and I and I have been constantly complaining and I feel annoyed to say the least because his friend is really friggin stupid. But yes .. This isn't a testament of our relationship.. It is a fight and before these last couple of weeks we barely ever fought ... I know in the future we will obviously fight which why we have talked about it and have agreed to work on how to express our expectations from each other .. Anyways I do appreciate the concern but I think this has been blown a little bit out of proportion and maybe people think he is always like this. I am not perfect and I have been known to pester him in the past which I have improved but it still annoys him because he feels like he is on trial and hasn't done anything to deserve it. Which is true.. Not saying that what he said was okay but anyways.. No relationship is perfect and I thought some advice from here would be nice just because sometimes and outsider can give great advice ( which many of you have). So I do appreciate it.0
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Been there and done that. I also moved to another country for my OH.
Best advice I can give you:
1) First two years suck... I cried so many times I can't even count them. It was just about little things being constantly different that make it horrendous. And missing friends/family.
2) Hang in there, you will adjust.
3) Find yourself a hobby that you do on your own (without your OH). As soon as I became less dependant, and made new friends, life got much much much easier.
4) Ignore him... he is just being a baby. He can't understand your sacrifice because he hasn't made it. He won't be able to empathise and you nagging at him will only result in him telling you 'you're emotional'
Best of luck to you and if you need any help/support I am here. I can honestly say that after 10 years living abroad, life couldn't be better.0 -
If this is not typical behaviour for your bf then breaking the relationship off would be extreme. However, I will stand on my advice of getting out there and meeting some people. Make yourself scarce around the house by getting "lost" in your new town and finding interesting places to visit. Keep yourself busy...make him miss you.
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Been there and done that. I also moved to another country for my OH.
Best advice I can give you:
1) First two years suck... I cried so many times I can't even count them. It was just about little things being constantly different that make it horrendous. And missing friends/family.
2) Hang in there, you will adjust.
3) Find yourself a hobby that you do on your own (without your OH). As soon as I became less dependant, and made new friends, life got much much much easier.
4) Ignore him... he is just being a baby. He can't understand your sacrifice because he hasn't made it. He won't be able to empathise and you nagging at him will only result in him telling you 'you're emotional'
Best of luck to you and if you need any help/support I am here. I can honestly say that after 10 years living abroad, life couldn't be better.
Thank you for the SENSIBLE advice . It's good to know it gets easier. And yeah I've definitely been trying to be less dependent on him .0 -
Sounds like he's making excuses b/c he is guilty of something. Trust your gut- a womans intuition is USUALLY right.0
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Sounds like he's making excuses b/c he is guilty of something. Trust your gut- a womans intuition is USUALLY right.
It's not a question of trust .. Nor did I ever mention I think he was cheating . I get worried about him ... That is all. I was mad at how he talked to me . It had nothing to do with me thinking he was up to something.0 -
Sounds like he's trying to gain some power back. You come across as just a little controlling, or maybe not even controlling, but just slightly insecure. Why does he need to tell you where he's going? What if he were heading to a strip club? Does it really matter? You should trust enough in him that it doesn't matter where he's going. You're his girlfriend, not his mother. He's making a point for a reason. Don't take offense to this, but you're make it sound like you're the victim here by starting off with the whole "I moved to another country for him" spiel. There's a reason he's upset. Talk things over with him after he's cooled down... let him come to you. He may just feel like YOU coming to HIM to talk is just another way you're trying to control things. Just back off for now and show him that he can be trusted.
There's two sides to every argument and typically both people are in the wrong. He reacted impulsively and poorly, but what was your part in this?0 -
Sounds like he's trying to gain some power back. You come across as just a little controlling, or maybe not even controlling, but just slightly insecure. Why does he need to tell you where he's going? What if he were heading to a strip club? Does it really matter? You should trust enough in him that it doesn't matter where he's going. You're his girlfriend, not his mother. He's making a point for a reason. Don't take offense to this, but you're make it sound like you're the victim here by starting off with the whole "I moved to another country for him" spiel. There's a reason he's upset. Talk things over with him after he's cooled down... let him come to you. He may just feel like YOU coming to HIM to talk is just another way you're trying to control things. Just back off for now and show him that he can be trusted.
There's two sides to every argument and typically both people are in the wrong. He reacted impulsively and poorly, but what was your part in this?
Oh I know I'm not perfect which is why I got mad at people bashing him because it's not like I hate him . I was just mad . And yes even if he was going to a strip club I know he wouldn't do anything wrong . But he is not the type to go to a strip club. I'm pretty sure he was just playing video games with his brother. The part that bothered me was that I expect a level of respect when I have no one to be with and he is leaving I think he should tell me where he is going. It's not like I'd tell him he's not allowed . I just get worried sick . I'm the type to think he got in an accident .. Call me crazy but I have things in my life that have happened that make me worry about losing people.. That is issue deep down with my "control". I know none of those things are his fault and these are things I have to work out on my own . But yeah lol.0 -
I think in this situation there is a lack of maturity on his part. Most of that will go away. you say at the root of it all, he is a good guy, then I say stick it out. Guys like to show off. especially if his guy friends are there. One think is true. When he feels the itch there will def be an apology and flowers coming your way and then you can make it clear to him that u didnt like his behavior, that u were concerned for his safety that is why u were inquiring. Then Hugs and kisses and life is back to normal. Chin up. It will get better. Trust me0
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Sounds like he's trying to gain some power back. You come across as just a little controlling, or maybe not even controlling, but just slightly insecure. Why does he need to tell you where he's going? What if he were heading to a strip club? Does it really matter? You should trust enough in him that it doesn't matter where he's going. You're his girlfriend, not his mother. He's making a point for a reason. Don't take offense to this, but you're make it sound like you're the victim here by starting off with the whole "I moved to another country for him" spiel. There's a reason he's upset. Talk things over with him after he's cooled down... let him come to you. He may just feel like YOU coming to HIM to talk is just another way you're trying to control things. Just back off for now and show him that he can be trusted.
There's two sides to every argument and typically both people are in the wrong. He reacted impulsively and poorly, but what was your part in this?
Oh I know I'm not perfect which is why I got mad at people bashing him because it's not like I hate him . I was just mad . And yes even if he was going to a strip club I know he wouldn't do anything wrong . But he is not the type to go to a strip club. I'm pretty sure he was just playing video games with his brother. The part that bothered me was that I expect a level of respect when I have no one to be with and he is leaving I think he should tell me where he is going. It's not like I'd tell him he's not allowed . I just get worried sick . I'm the type to think he got in an accident .. Call me crazy but I have things in my life that have happened that make me worry about losing people.. That is issue deep down with my "control". I know none of those things are his fault and these are things I have to work out on my own . But yeah lol.
At least you recognize your part... that's huge. Things will smooth out, just give it time. You two obviously love each other. I used to have the same compulsions with fear or accidents and death because I lost so many friends as a youth, but I'd try to suppress the behaviors that went along with my thoughts. Let him know your feelings and how you know that your worrying is sometimes irrational. Maybe you guys can work on your fears together.0 -
#1... You never move to another state, let alone another country for someone who is just a boyfriend/girlfriend. There is no commitment there.
#2. If you really love him and believe that he loves you, then you need to get on with life in this new country. Make some friends, you go out. Don't feel like the mean girlfriend getting left behind.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to know what he is doing, but men and women are so different. He probably feels suffocated by your questions, that you are simply asking because you are curious. In no way are you trying to control him, but he doesn't see that. And he probably won't see that. You guys have to find some neutral ground and discuss this as adults. Start by telling him that in no way are you meaning to control him. And let him lead the conversation from there.
But I would like to state that having an argument in front of a friend, then him laughing about it in front of said friend is very disrespectful. It shows arrogance and lack of compassion. It totally reminds me of a *kitten* I once dated. Hope things work out for you. But if you see them not working... go home!!! Don't waste your life trying to make something work that won't!0 -
Sounds like he's making excuses b/c he is guilty of something. Trust your gut- a womans intuition is USUALLY right.
It's not a question of trust .. Nor did I ever mention I think he was cheating . I get worried about him ... That is all. I was mad at how he talked to me . It had nothing to do with me thinking he was up to something.
My mistake- And I understand where you're coming from. Hopefully you'll be able to explain to him how he's making you feel- and things can change.0 -
Sounds like he's making excuses b/c he is guilty of something. Trust your gut- a womans intuition is USUALLY right.
It's not a question of trust .. Nor did I ever mention I think he was cheating . I get worried about him ... That is all. I was mad at how he talked to me . It had nothing to do with me thinking he was up to something.
If he's robbing you of love, he's cheating. Cheating isn't just sexual. It's cheating to rob one's lover of compassion, understanding, communication...etc..
Hang in there.0 -
#1... You never move to another state, let alone another country for someone who is just a boyfriend/girlfriend. There is no commitment there.
#2. If you really love him and believe that he loves you, then you need to get on with life in this new country. Make some friends, you go out. Don't feel like the mean girlfriend getting left behind.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to know what he is doing, but men and women are so different. He probably feels suffocated by your questions, that you are simply asking because you are curious. In no way are you trying to control him, but he doesn't see that. And he probably won't see that. You guys have to find some neutral ground and discuss this as adults. Start by telling him that in no way are you meaning to control him. And let him lead the conversation from there.
But I would like to state that having an argument in front of a friend, then him laughing about it in front of said friend is very disrespectful. It shows arrogance and lack of compassion. It totally reminds me of a *kitten* I once dated. Hope things work out for you. But if you see them not working... go home!!! Don't waste your life trying to make something work that won't!
I wouldn't move to another country if there was no commitment . I have known him 5 years.. He was going to move to canada (where im from) but the way immigration was we couldn't work it out. I am in school where he lives, so it's not like I am here for the soul purpose of him. Even if something did happen I would continue my studies here. We have a major level of commitment but because we are from different countries, we wouldn't just marry each other without experiencing living in the same place. We plan on getting married once I am finished school, we don't know which country yet though. And he didn't laugh about IT to his friend.. he didnt even talk to his friend about it. He just went in the room and hung out with his friend and was laughing about something unrelated. Which pissed me off because I wanted to talk about it. He is the type to need to cool off before he deals with something or he will say stupid things. So yeah. Lol anyways I appreciate your response and it is a good idea that I have a life outside of him. But Im going to stop responding to this forum because it is dragging on an argument that has already been solved between us and that is what matters. We both admitted our faults and have agreed to work on them because we know we are committed to each other and want to avoid this in the future. THANK YOU everyone I appreciate all your help and allowing me to vent when i was emotional 0 -
#1... You never move to another state, let alone another country for someone who is just a boyfriend/girlfriend. There is no commitment there.
Umm, then how would one know if it would ever work out? That "rule" makes zero sense. Now, I'm not saying to move your life for some random person, but if it's someone that you love and you're in a committed relationship with, that's the next step.
OP- glad you guys talked. I agree with some of the others that you should find something that you enjoy in NC to help you cultivate new friendships :-)0
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