WHEN SELF-HATRED STARTS TO INFECT MY PROGRESS
xafricanqueen07x
Posts: 98 Member
please read more inspirational posts at kalegetsfit.blogspot.com
When I first started this blog I promised that I would be raw and honest with my struggle with weight loss.
This is not a blog where I sugar coat anything. This is a blog of honesty, triumphs, defeats, failures, successes, self-loathing, self-love, despair and ecstasy. And because I try to be a woman of my word I won't falter now, even in the face of my shame and despair.
The past month has been a month and a half of debauchery, binging, drinking, excess and gluttony. I have gained 18lbs in that month and once again I have nobody to blame but MYSELF. I am still fighting with food and self-control, I am still fighting with discipline and staying on track. But I am fighting to get back on track and have lost 4lbs of the gained weight. I weighed myself this morning at 237.4. On Monday I was 241. I am upset with myself, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror, I want to throw my scale out the window. I want to break my jaw and wire it shut. I loathe my weakness and I hate that I am a slave to my own excess.
I thought about how close I was to being under 200 and how I let it all go to waste for minutes of binging.
As I was going through this dark mental period, I started listening to "Shake it Out" by Florence + The Machine where she talks about seeing the light, and how its harder to dance with the devil on your back so shake it out. She says its ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN.
I have been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind, but now I feel like I am getting clearer to seeing the way.
I decided that my negative thoughts would only lead me to more binging and lethargy. I realize that I am beautiful because I accept my imperfections, my demons and instead of repressing them I am fighting to understand them, know them, accept them and in doing so conquer them. I have still lost 100 lbs and that HAS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING.
Everyday I WILL STRUGGLE, I am ready to accept that. Things will get easier and my struggles will have less drag to them, but I will struggle with food and exercise and self-control, and I ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE.
I am human but I am strengthened by my imperfections. I am strengthened by the need to carve myself into the strong force that I know I am.
In an episode of despair and defeat, it is often so easy to forget about how far one has come and wallow in the wretched stench of failure. I HAVE NOT FAILED, because I have gotten up each time I have fallen. And if I fall 3 months from now, I will rise again with a bigger passion.
My weight loss battle is my Goliath, It is a giant, but I will be David, and I will slay this giant simply with the conviction that I CAN.
For anybody facing tribulations or obstacles in your life (be them weight related or not), face your demons, stay the path, fight...even when you fall, raise yourself up again and fight...little battles are lost, but a good general never festers away in a small defeat, rather they shake themselves out and use the knowledge gained from their mistakes to arm themselves with the ammunition needed to win the war!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
When I first started this blog I promised that I would be raw and honest with my struggle with weight loss.
This is not a blog where I sugar coat anything. This is a blog of honesty, triumphs, defeats, failures, successes, self-loathing, self-love, despair and ecstasy. And because I try to be a woman of my word I won't falter now, even in the face of my shame and despair.
The past month has been a month and a half of debauchery, binging, drinking, excess and gluttony. I have gained 18lbs in that month and once again I have nobody to blame but MYSELF. I am still fighting with food and self-control, I am still fighting with discipline and staying on track. But I am fighting to get back on track and have lost 4lbs of the gained weight. I weighed myself this morning at 237.4. On Monday I was 241. I am upset with myself, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror, I want to throw my scale out the window. I want to break my jaw and wire it shut. I loathe my weakness and I hate that I am a slave to my own excess.
I thought about how close I was to being under 200 and how I let it all go to waste for minutes of binging.
As I was going through this dark mental period, I started listening to "Shake it Out" by Florence + The Machine where she talks about seeing the light, and how its harder to dance with the devil on your back so shake it out. She says its ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN.
I have been a fool and I've been blind, I can never leave the past behind, but now I feel like I am getting clearer to seeing the way.
I decided that my negative thoughts would only lead me to more binging and lethargy. I realize that I am beautiful because I accept my imperfections, my demons and instead of repressing them I am fighting to understand them, know them, accept them and in doing so conquer them. I have still lost 100 lbs and that HAS TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING.
Everyday I WILL STRUGGLE, I am ready to accept that. Things will get easier and my struggles will have less drag to them, but I will struggle with food and exercise and self-control, and I ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE.
I am human but I am strengthened by my imperfections. I am strengthened by the need to carve myself into the strong force that I know I am.
In an episode of despair and defeat, it is often so easy to forget about how far one has come and wallow in the wretched stench of failure. I HAVE NOT FAILED, because I have gotten up each time I have fallen. And if I fall 3 months from now, I will rise again with a bigger passion.
My weight loss battle is my Goliath, It is a giant, but I will be David, and I will slay this giant simply with the conviction that I CAN.
For anybody facing tribulations or obstacles in your life (be them weight related or not), face your demons, stay the path, fight...even when you fall, raise yourself up again and fight...little battles are lost, but a good general never festers away in a small defeat, rather they shake themselves out and use the knowledge gained from their mistakes to arm themselves with the ammunition needed to win the war!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
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Replies
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Love your post. Every day can still be a struggle, even for those of us who have already lost a lot. Keep your head up and stay positive. :happy:0
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Love your post. Every day can still be a struggle, even for those of us who have already lost a lot. Keep your head up and stay positive. :happy:
Thank you so much for the support!0 -
I think this is the hardest part of the whole process, getting in your own way, I struggle with it just as much and sooo frustrating. Thanks for putting into words the exact things I have been feeling, glad to know I'm not alone
Congrats on your weight loss thus far, you should be very proud 0 -
I think this is the hardest part of the whole process, getting in your own way, I struggle with it just as much and sooo frustrating. Thanks for putting into words the exact things I have been feeling, glad to know I'm not alone
Congrats on your weight loss thus far, you should be very proud
Thank you very much! I'm glad others have felt the same struggle!0 -
This is so beautiful and exactly what I needed, it's comforting to know that I am not alone in how I feel throughout this process.. Congratulations on your success and thank you for sharing this.0
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Good for you! I, too, struggle with staying on track. My problem is that I eat at night when I should be sleeping! Then I try to cut back during the day to make up for it. Then I'm starving at night again!0
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Thank you for your honesty, I am proud of how far you've come.0
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I just joined this today, so I've been reading some of the posts on various topics. I loved your post. It reminded me so much of myself and reading it brought me to tears. Everything you said was so true. Thank you for sharing.0
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This is so beautiful and exactly what I needed, it's comforting to know that I am not alone in how I feel throughout this process.. Congratulations on your success and thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much...its so uplifting to see how many people go through the same struggle!0 -
I just joined this today, so I've been reading some of the posts on various topics. I loved your post. It reminded me so much of myself and reading it brought me to tears. Everything you said was so true. Thank you for sharing.
Awwww thanks for the love...I hope those were tears of joy and determination as well 0 -
wow, lovely post.
hoping i can pull some positive and realistic vibes from it!0
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