Summer Wind- A True Story

Seen a lot of funny stories shared recently, so here's mine...

A huge party was planned for my first son’s christening; food, family and a large assortment of alcohol. Family and friends came from all over to share in the joyous occasion. The christening went perfect and the time to party had arrived. The grill was fired up and was filled with delicious meats…hamburgers, brats, chicken breasts, hotdogs and the like. We set up tables, chairs and a party tent outside to accommodate the large crowd. Great music was playing on the iPod speakers and small groups began to form and socialize. The booze started to flow and everyone was having a great time. I filled my belly full of grilled foods, various dips and spreads, cheeses and deli meats and a wide array of salads. All seemed right.

As the sun slowly went down, more food, booze and fun was had by all. My stomach started to rumble from the “trashcan” of food and beer I filled it with. Not taking much notice, I carried on with the good times, downing a few more beers and a hotdog, or two. Moments later, my stomach began to feel and sound like it was digesting Drain-O. This made for some interesting looks from nearby friends and family members. This feeling quickly progressed to a feeling that can only be described as if someone lit a “jumping jack firecracker” inside my belly. You know, the ones that insanely spin everywhere catching your Uncle Bob’s favorite fishing hat on fire and starting a chain of alcohol-fueled events that will have the family feeling quite awkward for years to come? Yeah, that.

It all came to a head; say within a 15 minute time span, and my stomach began to fill with immeasurable pressure. My insides were under attack from the unmerciful forces of gas. I was miserable. The solution to this problem should have been simple; go to the restroom and sort things out. The influence of alcohol told me to “wait it out Bro and relax.” So I waited it out. Big mistake.

The moment of truth arrived and I had what felt like the most intense fart ever waiting to escape my colonic confines. Being outdoors, I assessed the situation as such: I’m outside and the wind is blowing outward…so what could go wrong? I slowly walked away from the large group of 20 or so revelers and made sure I had established a safe barrier of approximately 30 feet. The plan was now in motion and I released what was later described as an “Ambush of Deadly Ninjas” into the slightly chilly evening air. But in a split second, the direction of the wind changed. I immediately began to panic…the flatulence would now travel towards the party and here I was, standing all alone, on an Island of Shame.

My release was a highly noxious emission that would violate all sorts of EPA codes. The plume of reek was seasoned with a hint of French onion dip and poop. My heart began to sink as I realized the “Cloud of Doom” was heading towards the party. It started with a simple cough by one person. Then another cough followed by an “Eeeeeeeew.” Conversations immediately stopped. Time seemed to stand still and all I could now hear was panicked coughing and “Summer Wind” playing on the iPod. Within a matter of seconds the fart envelops the entire group. Some make noises like they are a fish out of water, gasping for air. One person defiantly asks “Who did THAT?!?” as another yelled “What the HELL?!?” As the fart’s iron fist choked a friend’s ability to breathe he proclaimed, “WHO shat their pants?!?” The proverbial cat was out of the bag and all eyes seem to lock on to me. I was busted. In that moment of awkwardness all I could do was laugh. As tears began to stream down my face, my laugh could not be controlled. It was a full on catharsis of sorts. Some laughed, others just left in disgust. Within a matter of 2 minutes, I had released a terror capable of raising the dead and completely cleared an outside patio full of 20+ people. The kindness of nature could not save them from the nose-hair burning sensation that was unleashed from my clenching butt cheeks. Never before in the history of farts had it been reported that victims left an outside area for the safety of the indoors. But back in the Summer of 2003 they did. Even though changes were made in sleeping arrangements and unrelenting jokes made at my expense the rest of the weekend, I took it all in stride. To this day, the subject still comes up at various family functions and everyone agrees on one thing; that was the greatest fart ever witnessed. Testify.