Unsupportive spouse
JosianneC
Posts: 141 Member
Don't get the wrong idea, I love my spouse to death and wouldn't trade him for anyone. His support however... blows.
When I started my diet he laughed at me, saying that I didn't need to lose anything and am fine the way I am and he wouldn't change it for anything. The problem... I don't feel that way at all, I want to feel and look different. Everytime I have my shakes he looks at them in disgust, even when I cook a heathly alternative he looks at the food like it's poison. The only thing he will eat is what I bake... that's because I don't tell him that the recipe is changed to be more healthy. When I mention going to the gym or looking to buy small equipment to do exercises at home he always sighs and says 'whatever', or things of the sort.
I'm at a loss, my spouse doesn't approve of my diet thus the lack of support and my friends are all in a different provinces. The support on MFP is more than great, I just wish /he/ would support my choice.
Bleh.
When I started my diet he laughed at me, saying that I didn't need to lose anything and am fine the way I am and he wouldn't change it for anything. The problem... I don't feel that way at all, I want to feel and look different. Everytime I have my shakes he looks at them in disgust, even when I cook a heathly alternative he looks at the food like it's poison. The only thing he will eat is what I bake... that's because I don't tell him that the recipe is changed to be more healthy. When I mention going to the gym or looking to buy small equipment to do exercises at home he always sighs and says 'whatever', or things of the sort.
I'm at a loss, my spouse doesn't approve of my diet thus the lack of support and my friends are all in a different provinces. The support on MFP is more than great, I just wish /he/ would support my choice.
Bleh.
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Replies
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Well you know this is just his insecurity that you're going to get superfit and leave him right?0
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In my opinion, he's valuing what HE thinks over how YOU feel. And that's not good.0
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I would talk to him and explain that you are doing this for you and you would really appriciate it if he supported you in this( if he cant do that, at least he has to keep his feelings to himself).
In a way I know what you mean. My husband says that I dont need to lose weight and he likes it better now that I dont give him bruises with my hip bones. But he knows I am doing this no matter what. If I feel good about myself i can be a better wife and better mother.
I say talk to him and keep going. Good luck,0 -
I would talk to him and explain that you are doing this for you and you would really appriciate it if he supported you in this( if he cant do that, at least he has to keep his feelings to himself).
In a way I know what you mean. My husband says that I dont need to lose weight and he likes it better now that I dont give him bruises with my hip bones. But he knows I am doing this no matter what. If I feel good about myself i can be a better wife and better mother.
I say talk to him and keep going. Good luck,
Believe me, i've tried that on many occasions.0 -
Well you know this is just his insecurity that you're going to get superfit and leave him right?
I'd have to agree. My guy has actually lost weight because of the choices I'm making (cooking dinner, packing lunches, etc.) and now that he's seen a couple pounds drop off he started working out again. If he is really that unsupportive of you getting healthy and strong then he's dealing with some inner issues. Sorry.0 -
I know how you feel. When I told my husb that I wanted to lose weight and stuff he said ok if that's what you want but I think you're fine the way you are. (whatever) He was not full on UN-supportive but it was a similar thing... did not take any interest in my activities- it was as if it was no big deal. Did not encourage me. At times rolled his eyes when I told him he had to watch TV in the bedroom because I was doing my exercise video. He even used to make FUN of my new lifestyle- about the foods and exercises. At times I really wanted to quit- it felt like a lost cause.
I knew very quickly that if I was ever going to lose weight and accomplish my goals, I would have to do it alone... esp. because my family does not encourage me what so ever either. Luckily I've made some fantastic friends here on MFP that have literally kept me going. We have to fight the urge to feel down because "they" are un-supportive. Gotta stay strong within despite the negativity because at the end this is for YOU. 25 lbs later my husband compliments my weight loss all the time. GO FIGURE.
stay strong! If you cant find support in your current situation, seek support from the MFP community- there are some AWESOME ppl here.0 -
i can relate a little. My husband has been telling me for years " you look great!", "I like every inch of you just the way it is", etc etc.. this was a 220 lbs in the beginning. I'm 5'1. He pumped up my confidence so much that I started to like me just the way I was. Only thing that bothered me was I was plus size. So I lost 50 lbs, and started to eat healthier, exercised, etc. He saw that made me happier, and so, again.. " you look great!", "I like every inch of you just the way it is". I thought I was all that. So I stopped.
He hates the new healthier way of eating. And actually he started to lose weight. He is already VERY thin to begin with so that wasn't a good thing, and now he's underweight and doing the opposite of me - trying to gain weight.
So I know he doesn't like the clean eating thing, and he doesn't like having more vegetables and fruits as options for snacks, and he does give me those looks like you described. And he HATES that he has to hide all his food, and not eat them around me. But once I sat him down and explained to him, for my health, if you would like me to be around longer, this has to happen, he is A LOT more supportive. He also wants to have a baby, which is out of the question until I get healthier.
My husband is now very supportive of my plans to be thinner... even tough it means I'll be losing the big boobs. And yes, that did end up being one his reasons. But he cheers me on when I'm swimming laps, and makes me go an extra mile. So in my experience, better communication helped to gain his support.
One thing it might be is I think they are afraid of saying.. "yes, you need to lose weight" because they are taught never to say such things to a woman or be prepared for death. LOL
I would ask your husband what his real problem is. Tell him you would like to know so you can put his mind at ease. Maybe he is afraid you'll end of leaving him if you are thinner. Ask him. A friend of ours this actually happened. Wife got bariatric surgery and lost 100 lbs, and immediate left him for someone else she worked with. Was horrible experience for him! If that is a reason, then try to put his mind at ease. Do something nice for him every day, like a back massage, foot massage, cheat a little and make his favorite meal, and eat it with him, or go out to dinner - Plan a date. Get some new lingerie for him, etc. Make him feel special, appreciated and wanted.0 -
I find that losing weight and getting fit is often viewed as a threat to the significant other. It's a change, and change can be scary to some people. When one person in a relationship begins to "change" (in whatever way; i.e., stop drinking, lose weight, change habits), it implies a change in the relationship and the significant other feels they will also have to change to adapt to the other person's changes.
My suggestion is to let it go. You can't control his feelings and it's difficult at best to try to change someone's feelings (your SO may not even be aware of why he is acting the way he is). Be pleasant, be loving, but accept that your SO is having difficulty adapting to your changes and temper your reactions to his non-support with that knowledge. Then get on with your goal.0 -
I would talk to him and explain that you are doing this for you and you would really appriciate it if he supported you in this( if he cant do that, at least he has to keep his feelings to himself).
In a way I know what you mean. My husband says that I dont need to lose weight and he likes it better now that I dont give him bruises with my hip bones. But he knows I am doing this no matter what. If I feel good about myself i can be a better wife and better mother.
I say talk to him and keep going. Good luck,
Believe me, i've tried that on many occasions.
Then I would just keep doing what you're doing and not expect him any support from him. He'll turn around hopefully.
I think having your spose's support is extremly nice, but the lack of it shouldnt stop you from working on your goals. You are two different people and wont agree on everything...You can find support here ( add me if you want), some people here are really great.
Oh, and as far as eating. Its not fair to him to eat the same things you do if he is not trying to lose weight. I would find a middle ground ( try to cook a little healthier, and/or eat less of the same things, or just eat something different from him)0 -
I find that losing weight and getting fit is often viewed as a threat to the significant other. It's a change, and change can be scary to some people. When one person in a relationship begins to "change" (in whatever way; i.e., stop drinking, lose weight, change habits), it implies a change in the relationship and the significant other feels they will also have to change to adapt to the other person's changes.
this makes perfect sense!0 -
I would talk to him and explain that you are doing this for you and you would really appriciate it if he supported you in this( if he cant do that, at least he has to keep his feelings to himself).
In a way I know what you mean. My husband says that I dont need to lose weight and he likes it better now that I dont give him bruises with my hip bones. But he knows I am doing this no matter what. If I feel good about myself i can be a better wife and better mother.
I say talk to him and keep going. Good luck,
Believe me, i've tried that on many occasions.
Then I would just keep doing what you're doing and not expect him any support from him. He'll turn around hopefully.
I think having your spose's support is extremly nice, but the lack of it shouldnt stop you from working on your goals. You are two different people and wont agree on everything...You can find support here ( add me if you want), some people here are really great.
Oh, and as far as eating. Its not fair to him to eat the same things you do if he is not trying to lose weight. I would find a middle ground ( try to cook a little healthier, and/or eat less of the same things, or just eat something different from him)
Ever since I started my diet we have been eating our own food. I cook my own, he cooks his own. I knew he wouldn't want to participate when I started so we had made an agreement on that.0 -
Its your journey, your health, and your body. You can't control him, you can only control yourself. When he sees the results maybe he'll get on board. Until then, continue eating right and working out. Good luck.0
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my husband wasnt very supportive about me loosing weight, he always said he loves me as i am, 3 stone over weight, that rapidly changed when i had to have emergency heart surgery 5 weeks ago, due to a blocked artery, the fact that i had a heart attack during the procedure scared the life out of him, and me, has now changed his mind, and is so supporitive its suffocating, he watches everything i eat and reads all the lables when we go shopping, i just wish he would heed my new healthy regime coz hes going to be next on the operating table, although he is far from over weight, his diet is attrocious,
so maybe if you tell your husband what could happen if you dont eat a healthy diet, he might change his mind,
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I find that losing weight and getting fit is often viewed as a threat to the significant other. It's a change, and change can be scary to some people. When one person in a relationship begins to "change" (in whatever way; i.e., stop drinking, lose weight, change habits), it implies a change in the relationship and the significant other feels they will also have to change to adapt to the other person's changes.
this makes perfect sense!
I thought about that one quite a bit, he doesn't like change. I keep reassuring him whenever I notice some panic, but I am very loyal and honestly couldn't see myself with anybody else. (Trust me, I tell him all of that on daily basis)0 -
Well you know this is just his insecurity that you're going to get superfit and leave him right?
^^ this exactly!0 -
....this makes sense to me too:happy:0
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My husband of 24 years isn't very supportive either but I realized a long time ago that I'm doing this for ME not for him. I've altered the way I handle things at home, though. I have the best weight loss results on a lower carb diet. My husband, however, hates it when I eat that way. My compromise at home is to usually make for dinner: a meat entree, a vegetable, a starchy side and a salad. I fill up on the meat, the veggies and a big salad and take just a tiny bit of the starch (if I don't I get a suspicious look, a "why aren't you eating that, etc.) I usually eat my other two meals at work so I eat the way I want. It's worked for me.
I honestly feel like the reason we get the kind of reaction we do from our partners is that they feel threatened by our changes. They worry we'll become more attractive to others and might be tempted to leave them. I think it would be a really good idea if you had a calm discussion with yours and let him know that you're making changes for your health, you love him and would never even consider leaving him, etc. Besides, doesn't he want a thin, healthy spouse for arm candy?
ETA: Sorry, I started this a long time ago and then got interrupted, so I know you've already responded to a few things that are in here. 0 -
I looked at this topic because I sometimes think my husband is a little unsupportive - as in, he doesn't need to lose weight and takes little interest in food or exercise although he's most definitely on my side - but WHOA! this is a whole different ballpark! To my mind, your spouse's response is more like undermining your efforts, and IMO, there had better be a LOT right with him to make up for that.0
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This is basically what we do, too. Often hubby at least tries what I cook, and sometimes he even likes it enough that it becomes a staple item. Soups especially. (Maybe I've become a better cook! LOL!) He's always welcome to share my food, but he usually makes his own "extra" stuff. Sometimes I'll cook "his" food along with mine so we can have a meal together. It's the eating together that is more important to us rather than what we're eating.Ever since I started my diet we have been eating our own food. I cook my own, he cooks his own. I knew he wouldn't want to participate when I started so we had made an agreement on that.
When it comes to exercise, now that's something we can share. I hate gyms but I go and do a bit while he works out. I love to swim but he can't so I go alone. Mostly though, we do things we both like: hiking, biking, walking.
Good luck to you! If you love him, you find away around the differences and focus on the similarities you share.0 -
in on this crew :frown:
pretty much unsupportive in any way really..0 -
maybe he's trying to stay Indifferent so as not to get his hopes up. Mine is supportive, but the more weight I lose the more jealous acting and overprotective he becomes. It was cute at first, but now I'm like dude, we've been together way too long for this.0
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Talk to him about lifestyle changes you are making to be healthier and not necessarily dieting. Eating better and exercising will give you more energy and help you live longer (together). You should be flattered that he loves you as you are, but remind him that happily ever after will take endurance and you feel that the lifestyle changes you are making with keep you around for the long haul. Good luck and keep up the good work. Don't give up.0
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I looked at your diary and you are basically on a starvation diet. Most days you do not even get 1000 calories. Breakfast and lunch are a liquid shake and all other meal are some prepackaged diet crap. This is not a healthy lifestyle! Where are the fruit, veggies, eggs, grilled chicken, fish, turkey?!?! You're husband most likely is frustrated because he sees you starving yourself and eating pre packaged garbage. You can eat healthy wholesome good food while still losing weight! Educate yourself, try some recipes and for god sake up your calories!!!0
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Check out the diary0
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I have one of those.
He likes bigger women and I no longer fit in that category.
He has become more supportive over time because he realizes whether he approves or not it is what I want and what I am going to do. It was not easy going this road alone.
In the end it is about how you feel about yourself because you have to live with your body 24/7. It is discouraging but you can push through. When you start to see and feel the results the victory is worth every hardship you endured.
If you need support I am a click away.0 -
I don't know. Seems to me your spouse is just giving you unconditional support for who you are now. What, you want him to be your weight loss cheerleader? I suppose you do, because losing weight can be challenging.
But would you prefer it if he said "yeah, you've really put on weight - let me know what I can do to help you stay on your diet?" Maybe he just likes you the way you are - isn't that a good thing?
I guess it's just not clear what you are asking from your husband.....0 -
Having an unsupportive spouse sux... Having a spouse who demands support but gives nothing in return (or worse) is untenable. That's why I'm in the midst of separating/divorcing. Good luck.0
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Well you know this is just his insecurity that you're going to get superfit and leave him right?
^^^This is spot on. When my hubby said just that to me, I vigorously assured him it was because I want to feel better in my own skin, more confident, which will result in a better sex life. He started his own account here today. :blushing:0 -
^^^This is spot on. When my hubby said just that to me, I vigorously assured him it was because I want to feel better in my own skin, more confident, which will result in a better sex life. He started his own account here today. :blushing:
Bravo!!!! <insert clapping icon here>0 -
People please!!..check out her diary!! She is eating WAY under her calorie goal barely getting 1000 calories! Maybe her husband is concerned that her new 'healthy lifestyle' is not that healthy!0
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