Anyone have Negative family or friends?

maibailley
maibailley Posts: 7
in Health and Weight Loss
hey guys :)

I was just wondering if any of you had no support outside MFP or even negatively.

I have a sister and a mother that constantly put me down and always have done, not just about my weight but in everything in life. from my hair to my make-up, my bushy eyebrows or lack of "style"

i remember as a teenager getting stretch marks on the backs of my knees and being paraded around in front of my extended family by my mother like I was a freak. i have never had my legs on show since. 4 weeks ago, at my highest weight of just over 200lb i decided to change for the better and am already down 17lb. but i am still ridiculed, goaded about the scales and laughed at when i try thing like running.

Sometimes i feel so unattractive that i hide away in my house for days without seeing them. Does anyone else have negative people just trying to put them down all the time so that they fail?

it makes me very sad sometimes.

Replies

  • stefjc
    stefjc Posts: 484 Member
    Only family can do that to us!

    I have a sister who just has to be right. I can cope with her but OHs brother and SIL are just appalling to him. That I cannot cope with.

    Over the years we have allowed each other to loosen contact until it is really very, very little. Birthday cards etc. We are both far happier now.

    I think the key to coping with miserable family members is giving yourself permission to re-evaluate them. Think of them as though they were newly met... I bet you change how you see them! Then you can begin to rebuild your defenses against their negativity.

    For example, the reason I can cope with my sister is that having looked at her like a stranger I now see her as quite a lonely single parent who needs to maintain a sense of superiority. As I now couldn't really care what she thinks of my life choices she can be as superior as she likes :)

    I have perfected a bland smile for her worst excesses.... and I can rant at OH if she gets too bad. He dislikes her as much as I dislike his brother - it works for us :D
  • K_Smith86
    K_Smith86 Posts: 123
    Unfortunately, I can relate to this post all too well. I come from a family where being active was not the norm. My family was always the homebody type, and growing up was hard. I've always been 'the bigger kid' - I've got a larger frame (yay for being Norwegian), and it was something I grew to get used to. However, my family would make snide comments about my weight, and I'd get that condescending look from them, where I know I was being judged based upon my weight. I tried diets when I was younger, but obviously those failed. I had no support, and that doesn't help. You'd think that would ignite something to try harder and see it through, but depression can get the best of you.

    Over the years, I've let myself go. When I was 16, something pretty terrible happened to me, and I just, well, I gave up. I lost a lot of who I was, and never really fully recovered or came to terms with things. Looking back, there's so much I would have done differently, and maybe I wouldn't be where I am today. Who knows.

    I know how hard it is not having the support from friends and family, the people that you think would be your biggest supporters. But you have to think, do you really want those type of people in your life? I'm not saying to stop talking to them or anything, so please don't think that. But you need to surround yourself with people who not only care, but show that they care. People who will be your cheerleader on your good days, and help lift you back up on your bad days when you fall. And if your family is negative / not supportive - prove them wrong. Prove to them that 'hey, you know what? I can do this, with or without you.' It's a difficult thing to do, but do what you need to do, for YOU. Who knows, give it time, they might come around and change their attitude. In the mean time, keep doing what you're doing, and you'll succeed :)
  • kjw1031
    kjw1031 Posts: 300 Member
    I also find it a huge relief to just not see certain family members very often.

    Please don't feel like you have to hide away in your house though. Go out and enjoy life either without them or with much less of them.
  • stefjc
    stefjc Posts: 484 Member
    Oh! I forgot. If you REALLY want to stretch your charitable button, try to imagine yourself as they see you!

    Over the years I know I grew a shell that I hid behind to enable me to cope, Looking back at it I absolutely have to have seemed like a cold hearted snob! I know this for certain as hissy fit SIL once screamed it at me!

    I had never once considered that my mechanism for coping with her was to withdraw and be calm and collected all the time - ooh! I probably acted a lot like my sister, eek!

    Anyway, I don't like SIL any more than I ever have done, but I can find it in me to feel sorry for her rather than squashed by her comments. I have even managed to laugh out loud at one of her nasty diatribes, which was quite revealing - we left in a hurry cos I got the giggles!

    By the time we got home I did feel a little ashamed as she must have felt very threatened to have screeched like that in the first place and my laughing probably mortified her! But that is something she will have to deal with!

    I am now a firm believer in re-evaluating childhood relationships as an adult. It has saved me a lot of heartache!


    As katharita says, get up and get out with less of them - and, over time, less of you too!:happy:
  • mskatee
    mskatee Posts: 33
    It is sad, to feel stuck with people who aren't capable of appreciating you fully and/or who mostly use you as a way to try to make themselves feel better. If you don't know anyone who can support these choices off-line maybe you could look for a group to join--some areas have running/walking groups, healthy cooking classes etc etc.
  • OddballExtreme
    OddballExtreme Posts: 296 Member
    I've been very fortunate. Many friends and family--and even co-workers--been supportive of my weight loss, although my mother continually gripes at me because I'm still capable of eating my sweets. I have to keep telling her it's not how sweet something is, but HOW MANY CARBS are in it. She's the one who made me live with the myth diabetics COULD NOT IN ANY WAY eat sweets. I've lost 38 pounds altogether since that diagnosis, and I'm happy to know I don't have to live without the sweets, as long as I keep the carb count in check.

    I don't have that many friends, but the ones I do I cherish. They're all proud of my efforts and continue encouraging me to keep going.

    And my co-workers at my job, God bless 'em! Ever since the diagnosis, the regular bunch have been nothing LESS than supportive of my efforts. In fact, we had a competition to see who'd lose the most weight, and I came in 2nd place! I'm determined to keep this weight off, and they've been backing me up all the way.

    Some of the temporary employees (we need during peak season), though, were determined to make me break off. One of them said, "Oh, come on, a doughnut is 21 calories, not 21 carbs." Sorry, I REFUSED SIX TIMES to eat a 21-carb, 190 calorie doughnut. Thankfully, other temps were in full support of my efforts and even wanted to know my method to weight loss.

    In the end, though, remember this: Do this FOR YOU, FOR YOURSELF. Do NOT worry what your family or the rest of the world thinks of you. The only person who should be dictating your life...IS YOU. :happy:
  • Spartan_Maker
    Spartan_Maker Posts: 683 Member
    Nearly everyone does: envy, jealousy, insecurity, fragile egos, are everywhere, especially when it comes to health, fitness, and personal appearances.

    Get results and watch them all convert.
  • Sarah_Wins
    Sarah_Wins Posts: 936 Member
    I have a little family, all supportive. Live alone though, so no support on a daily basis besides my MFP friends. (love you - muah!)

    But at work? They all started out supportive, encouraging, blah blah blah... b!tches hate me now. The only thing they will ask me now is how much skinnier I plan to get. When I excitedly announced I fit into a small the other day... complete silence. LOL

    Clearly, I don't care :happy:
  • kaaatherine
    kaaatherine Posts: 9 Member
    I know exactly how you feel.

    On one end of the spectrum, my mom is constantly ridiculing me for trying to lose weight. She'll give me "talks" about how I need to lose weight, but then when I actually go out for a run she basically makes fun of me.

    On the other hand, one of my older brothers honestly thinks that anytime a girl tries to lose weight that means she has an eating disorder and hates herself. He doesn't understand that I love myself, I just want to be healthier.

    But you know what? I just try to ignore it as best I can. I'm losing weight for myself, nobody else.
  • theactionfigure
    theactionfigure Posts: 103
    This must be a common theme! I posted a similar thread this a.m.! Hang in there! We get all the support we need right here and in the mirror and on the scales! You can do it!
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,966 Member
    Yeah my mom is really negative. I never really made my weight loss/fitness goals known to her so there isn't really anything to put down on that front... but everything else she puts me down for. She used to make fun of my looks, like my hair style or clothes or acne or things of that nature. She doesn't do that much anymore. She does every now and then. I don't get much acne anymore and I think my style is better so I think she ran out of things to make fun of me for. I think she thinks she is being "helpful" LOL. She mostly puts me down on other things. Like she thinks I'm a huge failure and I'll never be able to do anything in life.. I try to not talk to her or tell her things about my life but it doesn't really help. /rant
  • cgarand
    cgarand Posts: 541 Member
    I hear ya! Sometimes the people we should be able to turn to for support just aren't that supportive, or are so discouraging! A lot of my negative self talk comes with the voice of my mother. I love her but she has always made me feel kinda fat and ugly. I just don't share anything with her about my health goals and working out or dieting. I turn to people who are supportive and MFP.

    I like to be supportive and encouraging to people, so if you need support just add me! I'll be part of your cheering squad! (that goes for anyone else who wants to add me too! ) :flowerforyou:
  • opuntia
    opuntia Posts: 860 Member
    I have a sister who likes to put me down. She finds me embarrassing, because I have Asperger Syndrome and so I'm not as socially savvy as she is. She and her husband like to find opportunities to make snarky comments. She is actually very sensitive about her weight, as she was always bigger than me when we were growing up, so she relished making a huge deal of it when I last saw her and she was thinner than me. I just smiled and said 'Yes, I'm getting fat - about time too! I'm getting older, so I'm supposed to be fat. You get to a certain age and you have to choose between your face and your bum!'

    But I really didn't care - and I don't expect her to be supportive in anything, so I guess it doesn't bother me that she isn't. Since then, I have lost weight, because I made a decision to eat more healthily and reduce food intake and increase exercise, but I haven't told my family about that. Maybe I don't need support as such - I know how to do it by myself. When I last saw my dad, I said 'Have you noticed I've lost weight?' and he said 'Yes, actually, you have.' Previously I've said to him 'Have you noticed I've gained weight?' and he's said 'Yes, you have - you've got a fatter bum'. That doesn't bother me though - he just says it because it's true. I asked and he answered. He is not being unsupportive. It doesn't even occur to me to want support as such - I'm not even sure what support would consist of. Other than my sister, my family are not actively unsupportive, but just not supportive either. They just live their lives and I live mine.
  • greeneyed84
    greeneyed84 Posts: 427 Member
    They are only putting you down so the attention goes away from them and they feel better about themselves. Learn to love yourself and stand proud of your accomplishments. Show them that you don't care what they think and i bet they will stop it
  • history_grrrl
    history_grrrl Posts: 216 Member
    I had a very similar experience growing up. I desperately wanted to change the behavior of the hostile, hateful family members. But in the end, all I could do was to stay away. I recommend a couple of books that I have found very useful over the years. One is Harriet Lerner's _The Dance of Anger_. The other is Mark Sichel's _Healing From Family Rifts_. Both are really helpful for understanding the dynamics that underlie problematic family relationships, and both offer practical guidance for learning how to "let go" and take care of yourself (instead of fighting with and trying to change someone else).
  • jakidb
    jakidb Posts: 1,010 Member
    My mom did that alot to me--never had ANYTHING POSITIVE to say :( I have a sister who is 17 mos younger than I...my mom wld always say, "____ has such nice leg" or "____ is such a nice size" but with me it was always, "you need to lose weight" or "I'm so frutstrated trying to find something to help you lose weight". Eventually I got older and at age 16 dropped about 46lbs weighing in at 169lbs which looked great on me. STILL I received compliments from everyone except my "mom" :( Well today I'm back heavy but she seldom says anything about my weight--I get txts msgs saying "you're so beautiful" or 'I love you" or "you look so nice in your clothes" and guess what, I'm heavier now than I was back then. I've come to the conclusion, make yourself happy. Although it's a beautiful thing to have support from your fam, if you don't, still do "you" and make you happy. MFP is a Wonderful tool--I love it! And I'm thankful for my "other family members" and friends who do encourage me.
  • Gidzmo
    Gidzmo Posts: 905 Member
    One time, I was on a two-week diet with two other family members. The meals for this diet plan consisted largely of eggs (any way but fried) and grapefruit juice. The second week of the diet was the first week of school for me. I lost one pound the first week and none the second week. I was suspected of cheating on the diet and hassled for having a little bit of soda. I told myself that I would NEVER allow myself to be pushed into a diet with others again.

    Several years later, one family member had the audacity to tell me that I needed to wear a girdle! It was several years after this episode that I tried to lose weight again.

    Now I'm trying again--on MY terms and at my speed, with foods that I like.
  • AlphamaleBAMF
    AlphamaleBAMF Posts: 373 Member
    hey guys :)

    I was just wondering if any of you had no support outside MFP or even negatively.

    Yes, but I've gradually cut them all out of my life. And I honestly haven't felt better. It kinda sucks being alone on the holidays sometimes but I guess the plus side is I save heaps on presents.

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