trying hard not to notice

MissSusieQ
MissSusieQ Posts: 533 Member
in Motivation and Support
My flatmate is not the most supportive person when i'm watching what i eat. she also needs to lose weight, but is too proud (her words) to admit it - like, she wanted to join WW, but didn't want to go get weighed in in front of other people, so she looked into distance WW, but chickened out because she was afraid someone would see the books on her bookshelf.

what generally happens is I start to eat healthier, she behaves like i'm being ridiculous when i weigh my portions etc, then when my diet starts to bear fruit, she switches track and starts eating very well herself, almost like she's trying to out-diet me. not out-lose weight, mind, but out-diet. like, she all of a sudden starts diligently weighing everything she eats too, and behaves like it was all her idea and i'm copying her! 'i'll see your salad wrap and raise you one serve of steamed vegetables'

it's really annoying, but at the same time it's funny. and also, tricky for me, because i have to pretend i haven't noticed, because she's so self-conscious about her need to lose weight that i (her best friend) can't acknoweldge her efforts. shame, i'd like to be able to share recipes and encourage her and get some encouragement too.

Replies

  • marinebiologist_girl
    marinebiologist_girl Posts: 300
    Hm... Would it be worth maybe encouraging her subtly? Keep an eye on the things that she's eating and then say 'hey, I'm making _______ tonight, shall I make enough for two or will you cook for yourself?'. That way you could maybe even work out a routine and cook together and encourage each other without... encouraging each other.
  • texasfred
    texasfred Posts: 11 Member
    It's great that you are being a supporter even if it is clandestine! To have someone imitate what you are doing is the sincerest form of flattery (even if they won't admit it)! She obviously looks up to you and what you are accomplishing! Bravo!
  • KeriW626
    KeriW626 Posts: 430
    you may want to accidently leave some of those wrap recipes laying around, maybe she will pick them up and take credit for them as well. If you do not mind, not receiving credit for "those fabulous recipes". lol good luck. Do what you need to get where your gaols are. Let her pick her own map. good luck.
  • MissSusieQ
    MissSusieQ Posts: 533 Member
    i would, redjay, but i'm actually far more strict than her, and i sadly can't trust her to cook for me - she's a bit of a diet saboteur. sometimes when i've been doing a bit too well for a bit too long, i'll come home to her whipping up a delicious, full-fat meal for both of us.

    i think she's happy with us both being porkers, but doesn't like to be left behind.
  • marinebiologist_girl
    marinebiologist_girl Posts: 300
    i would, redjay, but i'm actually far more strict than her, and i sadly can't trust her to cook for me - she's a bit of a diet saboteur. sometimes when i've been doing a bit too well for a bit too long, i'll come home to her whipping up a delicious, full-fat meal for both of us.
    Maybe you could stick a meal plan for yourself onto the fridge and try to drop hints that you're sticking to that? Sorry to hear about that, by the way. I'm moving in with friends of mine in 2 weeks too, so I'm a little nervous about my diet for the same reason. *hugs*
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    When it seems like she's trying to "out-diet" you, I say take advantage of that! Instead of acting like you think she's trying to compete, completely ignore that part of what she is doing. Ignore her intent there. Instead, like a previous person said, maybe ask if she wants to prepare food for two together, since you are both watching what you are eating. If you pretend not to notice changing behaviors completely, there is going to be some obvious awkwardness as you very carefully try to ignore what she's doing, but if you just ignore her intention of competing with you, while trying to embrace the actions that you can share... she's going to have a hard time coming up with a reason not to do things together and hopefully will get past her shame a little bit when she feels she's not the only one with those feelings.
  • MissSusieQ
    MissSusieQ Posts: 533 Member
    Maybe you could stick a meal plan for yourself onto the fridge and try to drop hints that you're sticking to that? Sorry to hear about that, by the way. I'm moving in with friends of mine in 2 weeks too, so I'm a little nervous about my diet for the same reason. *hugs*

    its not that she doesn't know i'm sticking to a plan, she knows what she's doing when she 'fat-ambushes' me. we work far better just cooking our own things and luckily, that's mostly how it happens.

    good luck with your move, there's bound to be teething problems, but they're your friends and you like them most of the time, right?
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    i think she's happy with us both being porkers, but doesn't like to be left behind.

    I think VERY few people are happy being chubby/fat, but its SO much easier to say that you are ok with it than to admit you aren't ok with it and decide to work to change it. While I would NEVER suggest trying to shame someone into changing (that never works!!!) It might be a good harsh reality check for her if when she prepares some high calorie meal for you both, you say no, that doesn't fit into your health plan, and go prepare something healthy for yourself. (easier said that done, I know!)
  • marinebiologist_girl
    marinebiologist_girl Posts: 300
    Maybe you could stick a meal plan for yourself onto the fridge and try to drop hints that you're sticking to that? Sorry to hear about that, by the way. I'm moving in with friends of mine in 2 weeks too, so I'm a little nervous about my diet for the same reason. *hugs*

    its not that she doesn't know i'm sticking to a plan, she knows what she's doing when she 'fat-ambushes' me. we work far better just cooking our own things and luckily, that's mostly how it happens.

    good luck with your move, there's bound to be teething problems, but they're your friends and you like them most of the time, right?
    Wouldn't live with them if I didn't love them. I've had serious flatmate issues in the past. One of them is careful about her food anyway and the other has just had her stomach stapled so we should be okay. Good luck working out your issues too.
  • astrylian
    astrylian Posts: 194 Member
    I bet your progress will be motivation enough for her to get more serious - if she doesn't want to be left behind, seeing you slim down would certainly be a good motivator. Try to focus on yourself first - I would take that competitive vibe and healthily channel it into your weight loss. ;)
  • kingofcrunk
    kingofcrunk Posts: 372 Member
    If you were really her best friend you probably wouldn't be complaining about her on a website.
  • LittleMissRainey
    LittleMissRainey Posts: 440 Member
    ^^ There's always one!

    How about leaving a shopping list/to-do list lying around that has some foods on it, and at the bottom has " * log on to MFP and check forums" on it?
    It's subtle, and she may join up in secret (and not add you at first) to see what it's all about and may get her talking to you about it in the long run.
  • elyelyse
    elyelyse Posts: 1,454 Member
    If you were really her best friend you probably wouldn't be complaining about her on a website.

    Even our best friends and people we love do things that bug us that we need to vent about, or get suggestions for how to handle.
  • allie7383
    allie7383 Posts: 865 Member
    i think she's happy with us both being porkers, but doesn't like to be left behind.

    I think VERY few people are happy being chubby/fat, but its SO much easier to say that you are ok with it than to admit you aren't ok with it and decide to work to change it. While I would NEVER suggest trying to shame someone into changing (that never works!!!) It might be a good harsh reality check for her if when she prepares some high calorie meal for you both, you say no, that doesn't fit into your health plan, and go prepare something healthy for yourself. (easier said that done, I know!)

    I know this situation all too well.. One of my close friends told me she was ok with being the size that she is- which is about 180, and around 5' 3" or 4"... We used to be chubby together and would joke about it, and when we'd be eating something calorific we'd joke and say it was ok b/c we were skinny and whatnot.. I def wasn't comfortable being the weight that I was (193 at my heaviest), so a couple years ago I started making changes, and here I am today, 50 pounds less, and a good almost 40 pounds lighter than her.. The one time we kinda talked about weight loss, she said she was just gonna accept the way she was, since no matter what she did she couldn't lose much. She's a lawyer, works long hours, and I can understand how after getting home late in the day can be tiring, however if people on here can work full time, raise children alone, go to school and live their lives, I think she should be able to do something as well- just the matter of really wanting to do so. I've been successful and I work night shift and go to grad school part time. I know she's started doing zumba so hopefully that will lead to other things.

    I've often felt like in our friendship that she's been the one on top and that's where she likes to be- she makes more than twice what I do, she has her own townhouse whereas I live at home still, she has a slightly more expensive car than me, etc... However now that I have something better than her I think it bothers her, and I've def experienced it whether in a comment or action..

    Def focus on yourself and if she's really serious she'll make the changes for herself, and not just for the sake of trying to out-do u :)
  • PapaDunx
    PapaDunx Posts: 243
    Three sayings spring to mind here;
    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
    Misery loves company.
    Opinions are like noses, everyone has one, some smell, others dont.

    When you start looking good, she wants to look good too, cant blame her for that, but then when you do a bit too well, and her willpower isn't as strong as yours, then she backslides and wants you to feel her pain.

    My advice is to actually tell her that you are hurt by her actions and you would welcome her help to get fitter. If she wants to get fitter too, then you are there to help her.

    If she gets the *kitten* with it, then that really is her problem. You want to look good and feel good. If she doesnt, then tough doobies!

    As far as complaining about your best friend goes .. do it. We dont know you, you dont know us and all we will do is give you a range of our opinions that either will or wont sit well with you.

    At the end of the day, what you do with it is your choice.
  • lala26105
    lala26105 Posts: 47
    doesnt sound like a friend to me sorry im a mean and out spoken person and id be telling her to get out or knock the crap off that if she wnats to lose weight with you great but dont ruin it for you!! not every one wants to be fat

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