venting about my break up..

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meganb616
meganb616 Posts: 15
in Chit-Chat
So yesterday my boyfriend and I of almost a year, ( i know it is not that long) broke up mutually. Him saying that he felt like I deserved more than he could give to me and I saying that I wanted to be his number one or someone's number one and not third on the list of priorities. Anyways, we still care about each other so much and want to continue being friends because lets face it he was more of my best friend than anything. It was so hard to break up knowing that I am still so in love with him. But he doesn't want me to miss out on an oppurtunity to meet a guy that can put me as his number one. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow AS FRIENDS which is going to be so difficult for me but i think it would be more difficult just to end it because he did have such a big impact on my life. I am still friends with all of my other exes but I think this one is different because he is the first guy that I actually thought i was going to marry and have kids with. Ugh don't know what to do. How do I move on while still being friends with him and not thinking about him all the time? The only way I got over my other exes was by moving on to the next. I'm a relationship kind of girl lol. But this is the first time that I feel like I don't want to move on yet and that I am not ready yet but I don't want to keep dwelling on this relationship because I don't want to keep hurting myself over and over. Advice?
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  • purpleblaze
    purpleblaze Posts: 90
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    So yesterday my boyfriend and I of almost a year, ( i know it is not that long) broke up mutually. Him saying that he felt like I deserved more than he could give to me and I saying that I wanted to be his number one or someone's number one and not third on the list of priorities. Anyways, we still care about each other so much and want to continue being friends because lets face it he was more of my best friend than anything. It was so hard to break up knowing that I am still so in love with him. But he doesn't want me to miss out on an oppurtunity to meet a guy that can put me as his number one. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow AS FRIENDS which is going to be so difficult for me but i think it would be more difficult just to end it because he did have such a big impact on my life. I am still friends with all of my other exes but I think this one is different because he is the first guy that I actually thought i was going to marry and have kids with. Ugh don't know what to do. How do I move on while still being friends with him and not thinking about him all the time? The only way I got over my other exes was by moving on to the next. I'm a relationship kind of girl lol. But this is the first time that I feel like I don't want to move on yet and that I am not ready yet but I don't want to keep dwelling on this relationship because I don't want to keep hurting myself over and over. Advice?

    sounds to me honey that if you keep being "friends" your only going to hurt yourself more? keep positive, everything happens for a reason, and as one door closes another always opens, you just have to close the door properly first :) good luck, i know this is always hard,as ive had to do it too, with a man i was engaged too, and had a child with...x
  • KCoolBeanz
    KCoolBeanz Posts: 813 Member
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    I think you both should give it time. Heal as individuals, and then maybe look at being friends, if that's something you both want.
  • meganb616
    meganb616 Posts: 15
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    I really do also believe that everything happens for a reason. It's just at this point I don't understand. We talked about why we were breaking up but i grew up with the thought to work on your problems. But is there just some things you can't fix? We only had one fight our entire relationship and I can't say that there was ever a time where we had a bad time together honestly. I just don't understand how you can love someone too much and that be the reason you break up? He said that he could never love me as much as i love him and that he feels so badly about that because he cares about me so much. I just don't get it.
  • purpleblaze
    purpleblaze Posts: 90
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    I really do also believe that everything happens for a reason. It's just at this point I don't understand. We talked about why we were breaking up but i grew up with the thought to work on your problems. But is there just some things you can't fix? We only had one fight our entire relationship and I can't say that there was ever a time where we had a bad time together honestly. I just don't understand how you can love someone too much and that be the reason you break up? He said that he could never love me as much as i love him and that he feels so badly about that because he cares about me so much. I just don't get it.

    maybe the answer just insnt clear yet....give it some time, it will come to light x
  • WifeNMama
    WifeNMama Posts: 2,876 Member
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    He has given you his reasons. You have made yours clear. He isn't willing to make you a priority, Don't try to be friends with him. That is way too tangled up, and you need some breathing space.

    My advice is to get busy with hobbies you thought about taking up but never did. Joining some sort of class like a certain workout you haven't tried before, or a cooking class, painting, pottery, etc. Something that takes you out of the house on a regular basis, gives you confidence in a new or dormant skill, and gives you less opportunity to dwell on what might have been. Ask a girlfriend to come stay with you for a bit just so you have someone to meet up with in the evening. Ask for extra hours at work. Go on long walks, runs or hikes in the outdoors.

    Rediscover yourself, who you are as an individual, not just as someone's girlfriend. Find out what your true likes and dislikes are again without having to compromise for someone else. You said you jump from one relationship straight into the next, and I think what you said was a really good idea, just be by yourself for a while, It's different, strange territory for you, but it isn't a bad thing. Cleanse the palate, if you will, and don't enter another relationship until you are certain you are not carrying any emotional baggage along with you. It isn't fair to you or the new boyfriend to deal with that.all over again. How will you know who is right for you if you don't take time to find out more about yourself? And that is the important thing here, to do this for you, you owe it to yourself. Emotional fitness

    ((hug))
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
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    don't be friends....that's my advice...
  • sullykat
    sullykat Posts: 461 Member
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    I am going to give you my opinion, and you may not agree, you likely even know better than I do, as you are the one in the situation, but…

    To be honest, and I am really not trying to pour salt in your wounds, he does not want to be with you any more. He is wanting to "be friends" because he probably cares a lot about you, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You may have cried, and that probably made him feel awful. Boys don't like to see girls cry, especially when it is their fault.

    You guys didn't break up because you loved him too much, you broke up because he didn't love you enough. I would really recommend that you not hang out any time soon.

    I will give you my reasons for my strong opinion: I dated someone for 3 years, who was my #1. I was not his. He claimed I was for a long time in our relationship, but looking back, I simply was not. I remained "friends" with him for YEARS, claiming he was my best friend. I was jealous of the girls he dated, and in retrospect would do things to break them up, because I thought I knew who he needed to be with, and these girls were not "good enough" for him. I met my husband and realized that I had out grown this "friendship", and discovered what being someone's #1 really feels like, and what relationships are actually supposed to feel like.

    The faster you can move on from him (I do not necessarily mean move onto another guy, however… I did spend much time not being in a relationship at all), the better. I'm not saying don't be friends at all… just don't spend all your time with him, and forget that you need to grow.
  • patheticjustice
    patheticjustice Posts: 2
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    Honestly, this is exactly what happened to my relationship last week. We took a break for a week to have time from each other but we ended up going crazy and getting back together.
  • MissFit0101
    MissFit0101 Posts: 2,382
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    I think you both should give it time. Heal as individuals, and then maybe look at being friends, if that's something you both want.

    Totally agree with this.
  • DesignGrrl
    DesignGrrl Posts: 147 Member
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    He said that he could never love me as much as i love him and that he feels so badly about that because he cares about me so much.

    ^^ Code for "I'm just not that into you, but I'm gonna say you deserve better to soften the fact that I'm checked out."
  • onedayillbeamilf
    onedayillbeamilf Posts: 966 Member
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    The best way to get over one is to get under one.....

    But in all seriousness, who says that you HAVE to be ready to move on? Take time to focus on you and you alone. Learn how to survive without a man. Someone once told me that when you jump from relationship to relationship, your new relationship picks up where the old one left off. Heal. Get better.

    As far as staying friends with him, I honestly believe that's what guys say to keep a girl in their back pocket. He never put you first and wants what's best for you, but he wants to keep you around even though he knows it hurts you? If he really wanted what was best for you, he would cut all ties other than maybe the occasional "how are you?". But that's just my.opinion.
  • fitz1970
    fitz1970 Posts: 7
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    I had the same situation . . we ended it almost a year ago. First guy since my divorce that made me consider marriage again. We were absolute best friends and decided to save that part of the relationship. It's been excruciating with a lot of bumps along the way but overall, it has been worth it. He is a trusted person in my life and encourages me in so many ways.

    I would advise to take some time apart though. Looking back, I realized our relationship was still very couple-ey . . talking almost every day. Now, we limit calls and contact which has helped me move on without losing the friendship.
  • kmhenry84
    kmhenry84 Posts: 96 Member
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    I'm sorry, I didn't read everyone's comments, but I can tell you this from experience... DON'T GO HANG OUT TOMORROW 'AS FRIENDS.'

    Absolutely nothing good can come from it. Sorry to sound harsh and blunt, but I say it from the heart... don't go hang out with him.
  • PaleoRDH
    PaleoRDH Posts: 266
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    OK take it from an old hag here with lots of exes (LOL!) cut the cord and stop talking to him. The lines he handed you is a bunch of B.S. and he's going to feel like a retard when he sees you out there flying high without him. Move on and be independently happy.........!!!!
  • texastango
    texastango Posts: 309
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    Well, a year, no matter how you look at it Meagan, IS a long time. If you only count the time you've been dating (let's say since 16)....it's probably nearly 20 percent of your dating life.

    That said, it is likely hard to see it now, but look at it for the positives and what it taught you about relationships. It will serve you well down the road. Someone, somewhere will benefit because of the experience you just had and ultimately that means you'll benefit too.

    As for you ex, the same is true. Glass is half full. Move forward and even with your ex, don't look back. Your future is in front of you. Enjoy it and grow with it!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    So yesterday my boyfriend and I of almost a year, ( i know it is not that long) broke up mutually. Him saying that he felt like I deserved more than he could give to me and I saying that I wanted to be his number one or someone's number one and not third on the list of priorities. Anyways, we still care about each other so much and want to continue being friends because lets face it he was more of my best friend than anything. It was so hard to break up knowing that I am still so in love with him. But he doesn't want me to miss out on an oppurtunity to meet a guy that can put me as his number one. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow AS FRIENDS which is going to be so difficult for me but i think it would be more difficult just to end it because he did have such a big impact on my life. I am still friends with all of my other exes but I think this one is different because he is the first guy that I actually thought i was going to marry and have kids with. Ugh don't know what to do. How do I move on while still being friends with him and not thinking about him all the time? The only way I got over my other exes was by moving on to the next. I'm a relationship kind of girl lol. But this is the first time that I feel like I don't want to move on yet and that I am not ready yet but I don't want to keep dwelling on this relationship because I don't want to keep hurting myself over and over. Advice?

    Give yourself longer than two days. As somebody who is dear friends with ALL of my major exes (3) and in 1 case, their fiance, you need more time than 2 days to flip that switch. Make plans for 3-4 weeks. If you still want to see each other then GO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC - don't just randomly hang out.
  • bellesouth18
    bellesouth18 Posts: 1,070 Member
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    "He said that he could never love me as much as i love him and that he feels so badly about that because he cares about me so much."

    Leave the relationship behind. He's giving you both a way out so you both can save face. Take it. And don't look back. I think staying in touch is a bad idea since the relationship seems so one sided. It can only lead to worse heartbreak for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
  • Bastiencade
    Bastiencade Posts: 81
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    I'm jumping on the bandwagon of people who haven't read the follow up posts and am just going to say, DO NOT HANG OUT AS FRIENDS.

    It's not healthy, and nothing good can come of it in the first few months of breaking up. It's very obvious from your post that you still have deep feelings for the guy, and from what you say he says it's true for him too. You're both being mature in ending it because you know it's the best thing in the long run, but neither of you are "over" one another yet. You need time to heal and figure out how to be without each other, then hanging as friends might be an option.
  • niknak2308
    niknak2308 Posts: 315 Member
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    Aw hun I really feel for you. Speaking from experience, GENERALLY the whole "hanging out as friends thing" when it concerns someone you had /have deep feelings for, simply doesn't work. One of you will normally have stronger feelings than the other, and it's not fair on either him to have to adjust his behaviour around you to spare your feelings, or you to pretend (or playdown) such strong feelings. I have said much the same things to an ex that your bf said to you, and honestly it was because I wanted to move on with my life without losing the friend aspect (to make it easier on us both) but with the freedom to date other people. Unfortunately I took his acceptance as meaning he was happy with the situation but it resulted in him "killing himself watching me date other guys" and trying to drunkeningly make a pass whilst revealing he'd never moved on during those 3years . Eventually he did when he got with his new gf who couldn't stand our "closeness", and described me and my ex as "still in a relationship, just not in bed!"

    However all that aside, about a yr after I met my current bf we hit a really rough patch and I had some similar lines thrown at me. That though was due to issues he was having and we did actually get over it and 7 years on here we are with 2 wonderful kids and planning our wedding.

    Back to you though, I really do agree with the "having some space" so you are both clear on your feelings. I remember how much it hurts, I really do but trust me it's harder in the long run x
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    I just went through a break up with a guy I was still in love with. We couldn't give each other what we needed. It totally crushed me, and I know I wouldn't be as far along in my healing as I am right now if I had tried to up a friendship with him. I honestly think I would have made compromises so we could get back together only to get my heart broken again. Not worth it.

    My goal is to get over him BEFORE I get with someone else. I don't want my next guy to deal with unresolved issues. I'm not sure how to do that in this case though, it feels like it's going to take a hell of a lot of time to get to that point.

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