Resentful/jealous spouse???

sativo8339 · August 2010

I have been going at this weight-loss thing alone for a few months. The main reason is that my wife has decided that she no longer wants to try and lose weight with me. I was OK with that, because I oviously didn't want to force her to do something she didn't want to do. I just figured it would be better if we BOTH tried and could help keep each other honest and motivated...

Everything was going along fine and now I have a different problem. I have lost just a little over 25 pounds now and I am feeling great. Unfortunately she has not lost any weight because she hasn't been working at it. She was encouraging to me at first, but now she is becoming a little resentful. I am starting to hear a few snide comments about losing weight now.. Its kind of childish comments, but basicly it takes the form of since I am so "buff and strong" or since "I weigh less than her". I laughed a few times because I am neither of these, but they have kind of a sharp tone lately. I figured the joke, if it was one, would have worn off long ago. In the past few days it seems to be getting a little worse. At dinner she will ask me if I am "sure" I should be eating as much I was, or she will ask me if it the dinner she prepared was "healthy" enough for me.

HELP!!!!

What can I do??? I am stuck in a spot where I don't think there is a good way out. I seriously am not going back to my old habits, but I don't want her to be hateful or feel in any way inferior. I am a man, so of course I could be overreacting.. and I am prone to say things that can be taken as insensative.. so please let me know what NOT to say as well!

THANKS!!!!

So I am looking for

GTOgirl1969 · August 2010

She could be feeling threatened or insecure- as much as you love her and she loves you, she could be harboring the thought that you would leave for someone else once your weight loss goal has been met. Try and reassure her the best you can, and that's all you can really do.

ashlee954 · August 2010

Well, she is probably just what your title says, Jealous of your success and ashamed of her lack of motivation. People express themselves in different ways. Being ashamed or angry at oneself can lead to anger to your closest people (ie your partner). I would talk to her. Not after she says something because she is obviously not in the best of moods at that time. But I would sit her down one day, when nothing is wrong, and tell her how you are feeling. Tell her what losing weight means to YOU and that her comments seem mean and hurtful. Try and get her to reveal what she is really feeling. Good luck.

Amandac6772 · August 2010

My husband has been making some snide comments lately about my loss. I don't know what gets into people. Last year he lost 25 lbs doing low carb. I totally changed the way I cooked for him and prepared meals he could eat and was generally supportive although I didn't diet with him. I wasn't ready at that time. Well since then he has put most of it back on and I've lost a little. He thinks I'm obsessed now with it, although I'm cooking nothing different, I just don't eat as much. I exercise before everyone else gets up so he doesn't know how hard I'm working out. I agree with GTOgirl, she is probably feeling a little insecure right now. Make a fuss over how good she looks the way she is. Then just continue to be a good example for her as far as eating clean and living healthy. Assure her that whatever she cooks is fine. We women are funny about how our cooking is perceived.

for3v3rrachel39 · August 2010

Well speaking as a female (but definitely not as a wife) women always feel that for men it is easier to lose weight. Even if this isn't true that's just sort of how us women think. So despite the fact that you are trying and she isn't, doesn't really matter in her mind. That's not how she's thinking. And of course she is jealous! But certainly not of your success. Mainly of your discipline. What I suggest you do is compliment her A LOT and find ways to encourage her to start working out again, because ultimately in the long run she will feel soooo much better. Suggest that she go for a run with you because you "want to see her in her sexy work out clothes". You kill two birds with one stone with that line. It'll make her feel good and get her physical again. Is it corny? Hell yes. But women like that (whether they are willing to admit it or not). You should also try cooking her romantic, yet healthy meals. It's all about making her feel like she's still sexy. Because whether you realize it or not, your physical change is a change that not only you have to get adjusted to, but your wife as well. Hope this helped!

lutzsher · August 2010

Those comments are definately coming from a lack of self worth and jealousy. Im sure that some part of her is kicking herself for not sticking with it, with you, because she could be as far along as you are.
Unfortunately when you feel bad you sometimes push that feeling onto the person that you know can take it, will still love you even if you are being a jerk.
Take the time to do something reassuring, that no matter what size either of you is that your feelings of love have not changed. Maybe plan a "date night", and provide LOTS of hugs, touch her everytime you walk past her, she is feeling insecure and might need some loving reassurance from you.
She will come around by your example, everyone has to do this when they are ready.

Now "don'ts" . . . don't mention she could be as far as you are, don't criticize, don't make "suggestions" on things she could do to lose weight . . . just live by example.

Congratulations on your accomplishment!

sativo8339 · August 2010

Thanks so much for the advice so far. I definitely don't want to cause a big argument or rub it in her face. Paying her compliments and leading by example sounds like the way to go. Women and their weight is extremely dangerous territory for me! HA

Again, I appreciate all the advice so far from everyone. I wasn't quite sure what response I would get and it helps to know I am not missing the big picture here!

sherry_80 · August 2010

Have you asked her why she is giving you so many remarks? and why?. i mean its not like you wanted to do it alone. you wanted her to be part of this with you.

sativo8339 · August 2010

No.. I just gave her a look letting her know I was not amused. You are right, I did want to do this with her and she honestly tried for a few weeks before she gave up. I really tried to encourage her after she decided to quit. She seemed OK with not continuing on, and I didn't get upset at all. I realize we all have to be "ready" for this and she just wasn't ready. Just because I wanted it, doesn't make her want it.. Realizing this was very hard for me to get over..

I have learned to pick my battles I guess.. but this just doesn't seem to be getting much better. If it was anyone else who might be jealous it be easy.. just tell them to get over it... but I am a little uneasy about doing that! HA I will definitely try the softer approach by paying her compliments, but if that doesn't work.. who knows!

sherry_80 · August 2010

My husband tried to "get healthy with me once" yeah when it comes to food, he doesnt eat veg. or nothing green or "low fat"
"reduced Fat" or "fat free.

He will compromise on lean meat, i will give him that but our grocery bill is expensive because of that.

but he did try to exercise with me and he picked the 10 min trainer with tony horton, i let him choose since i had started exercise after my kids were born.

One week into it he could not last 10 mins by day 3 he quit on me.
The one thing that bugs him is that i may gain weight / lose weight, I dont give up. even when i am sick i still get up. I havent taken a break. I dont exercise i gain alot of weight. But i dont give up. He doesnt have that will to just do it.
My problem is FOOD. not the exercise. i mean it comes down to your health, after being fat for so long i get sick fast and get sick with thing i never had before. I dont have allergies and all of the sudden i do.

all i am saying just ask her in a nice not offending way. what's bugging her?

or what's bothering you?

Fiedems · August 2010

This is all assumptions, however, the mentioned jealousy of your success could be compounded by... women who are insecure do not feel that they are worth loving. Your success may be triggering the thought that now you are looking better you are going to be looking for someone else? When people start looking at their lives and wondering at the choices they made and making improvements, it leads to the question of else you want to change. Esp as you are now more active, you have different focus, different activities, more time off your butt..... less time with her???

Lacea357 · September 2012

It also can be a little discouraging to lose weight with your spouse when men tend to lose a little bit faster than women.

gldnlark · September 2012

Keep up the good work and ignore her remarks. Live by EXAMPLE. Maybe after she gets used to seeing how well you feel, it will finally motivate her to try again.

Congratulations on your weight loss. You know you'll get plenty of pats-on-the-back from all of us here!

hock1972 · September 2012

Just sit her down and tell her how much you love her. Do it today don't wait and/or assume she knows this.

Tell her you want to look good her her as much as you want to be healthy for yourself. Encourage her to exercise with you and eat healthier etc. Include her. Even if she struggles.... be there for her. See if she comes around. Make sure she understands that, typically, men can lose weight easier than women. So, don't compare her weight loss to yours. Most importantly, emphasize how much you lover her and make her feel loved. She'll come around and get healthy with you then hopefully. Take care. And, congrats on your fitness.

wifealiciousness · September 2012

That sounds really hard. No matter how hard we try not to be, us women are sensitive about our weight. Whether we're trying to loose it or not. My husband is naturally very slim, and sometimes I find it hard not be be resentful. He can east double what I do, do half the exercise and stay his slim self. Sometimes I find it frustrating, and blame him, but ultimately I know that it's not his fault, and I suppose it's a slightly different case as I am trying really hard to loose weight.

Just keep at it- your health is so important, and she needs to understand that. x

hedgiie · September 2012

i feel you, being married would mean getting along with usual stuff, now that your changing your ways, but the problem is that it doesn't work for both of you anymore.

my wife use to throw in comments too, but i just use humor and it seems to work. now she's supporting me. however, we're both surrounded by common friends who likes to be fit. so there are many influence under my favor.

you are in a difficult stuation. i hope you can fix this. go ahead and find professional help.

taunto · September 2012

It also can be a little discouraging to lose weight with your spouse when men tend to lose a little bit faster than women.

This is probably the cheapest excuse women throw at men in terms of fitness btw.

I see it as equivalent to "I'm a B**** because you're too nice"

YouAreTheShit · September 2012

Forgive me for being blunt, but you asked the question...

She's behaving out of jealousy, childishness, and selfishness. And frankly, I am sad for you. To have a partner in your life that is anything less than ecstatic for you when you experience successes is absolutely the worst possible thing about relationships.

I suggest that you be the man in your relationship and call her out on her behavior. Call it what it is... selfish! If she wears the pants in your house then that will piss her off. Too bad. It's the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Only once everyone is seeing clearly what is wrong can the process of repair be put into place.

Best wishes to you...

P.S. Congrats to you for making healthy decisions for your life and achieving some significant results. You're a Rock Start, dude...

Crisitunity · September 2012

My husband and I are losing weight together and I say stuff like what your wife says all of the time! It was my idea to do it on MFP and asked him to join me. He is so supportive and wonderful and I am so happy that he has taken to it like a fish to water. Overall I have lost more than him, but I had more to lose when I started. His daily calorie goal is higher than mine, so I make some comments about that sometimes too, I'm sure. I think it is important to me on some level to weigh less than he does, as I am 2 or 3 inches shorter than him. It doesn't come from a place of jealousy or resentment of my spouse though. It comes more from a place of... what the crap, how am I still heavier than you (the difference is 1 or 2 lbs).

The only way for her to get into it is to be excited about it herself, honestly. I would ask her frankly, do my eating habits upset you when you are the one preparing my dinner? Or , maybe ask what kind of muscular physique she would be attracted to in her spouse? She could compare to a celebrity she likes the look of. You could try to find ways to get her excited about your weight loss or working out without her having to make changes to her eating habits herself.

rainlover711 · September 2012

Everyone on here has pretty much already answered the question, but it sounds like you need to confront her about it.

It's not fair of her to attack you and make snide comments. She should want you to be healthy and to do what you want to do.

If you feel comfortable, I would suggest telling her that her comments make you feel bad. Also tell her that you are ok with her decision not to follow the same program as you, but it's not fair of her to be rude about your decision to stick with it. I don't know if it will help, but at least you will know you told her how you feel, and you've done what you could.

Good luck, and great job on the weight loss!

reyopo · September 2012

Forgive me for being blunt, but you asked the question...

She's behaving out of jealousy, childishness, and selfishness. And frankly, I am sad for you. To have a partner in your life that is anything less than ecstatic for you when you experience successes is absolutely the worst possible thing about relationships.

I suggest that you be the man in your relationship and call her out on her behavior. Call it what it is... selfish! If she wears the pants in your house then that will piss her off. Too bad. It's the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. Only once everyone is seeing clearly what is wrong can the process of repair be put into place.

Best wishes to you...

P.S. Congrats to you for making healthy decisions for your life and achieving some significant results. You're a Rock Start, dude...

Agreed. She is incredibly lucky to have such a supportive and understanding partner, but I think calling her out (gently) and standing up for yourself is the only way to gain her respect, if not her support. Tell her it hurts. I just let go of an unsupportive and emotionally abusive partner, he told me that I was "pampered" and "self indulgent" for eating healthy and doing yoga (he has a gym membership too so he couldn't complain about that... tho he never used it until we broke up). I am certain I will never again to let anyone undermine my will and kill my self esteem like he did. Maybe your wife or both of you could talk to a therapist or counselor, and get some help with these issues.

Resentful/jealous spouse???

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