How to deal with people who insist you're overweight?

ellyinflight
ellyinflight Posts: 24
in Motivation and Support
I'm having a bit of trouble with a family member at the moment who I'm very close to, but who keeps insisting that I'm gaining weight and overweight. When I tell this person that I'm in the normal BMI range, they suggest that I need to check my BMI for my bone structure because I'm supposed to be smaller, so I do that and I'm STILL in the normal BMI range but they insist I still need to lose a lot of weight. They also keep claiming that I'm gaining a lot, even though over the last two years my weight has only fluctuated up and down by two kg (4.5lbs). I remind this person that I'm comfortable with being curvy, that I am healthy, that my waist size is well within a healthy range, that I'm getting exercise and that I'm eating healthy, but they just wont stop.

It's bothering me because every time I go out with them feeling confident about myself, they make these comments and I automatically get self conscious. It's very hard not to take the opinion of a close family member to heart! I find myself having those weird visual distortions where I look in the mirror and see the obese girl I used to be staring back at me rather than this healthy person I've worked so hard to be.

Any advice? Anyone dealing with the same kind of issues?
«1

Replies

  • Bakkasan
    Bakkasan Posts: 1,027 Member
    Ask them for their medical degree. Ask them for their licence to practice as a nutritionist. Tell them to feck off and if they bring it up again without you sweating bacon, you till stop allowing them in your presence.

    Mmmmm bacon sweat...

    Or I am not fat, I am healthy, and if you bring it up again I am going to be much less nice to you in the future. Start picking at their scabs...

    I have an Uncle whom I was close to and I went to my cousins wedding. I was poor and could only afford a card and like $20 for a gift and THAT hurt. I was complained to least 10 times over the course of a year that I should at least pay for my dinner. I stopped speaking to him. A few years later we exchange pleasantries like nothing happened but that family bond is not the same.
  • jarrettd
    jarrettd Posts: 872 Member
    Some people have a sort of distorted view of themselves, or lack confidence. The easiest way for them to gain self-confidence is by being better than someone. If you were the "fat one" this family member compared themselves to, and now you are not, your success kicked a leg out from under them. They are now convincing themselves (and you) that you are still in some way inferior, which by default, makes them superior.

    You like how you look, and that is all that matters. This person is going to have to deal with their own demons, or find another "fat one" to hang out with. You can try having a heart to heart, and letting them know how they are making you feel, but I wouldn't bet on making a change. Those kinds of changes have to come from internal motives, usually.
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
    You've already established that this relative is not going to listen to reason. Now you need to make peace with the fact that nothing you say will ever convince them otherwise. Next time they bring it up, say, "I am completely healthy, and do not want to discuss my weight with you." Then stick to that.
  • bushidowoman
    bushidowoman Posts: 1,599 Member
    "I am healthy. My lifestyle is healthy. I am happy the way I am. We are not going to have this conversation anymore."
    Subject change.
    Don't worry about sounding like a broken record here.
    I've had to do this with other relatives about other subjects...they will eventually give up.

    (Ah, Bathsheba and I were posting at the same time. :wink: Great minds...)
  • Jester522
    Jester522 Posts: 392
    Everyone has a different view of what looks "healthy" sometimes its distorted and relatives can tend to be harsh on other family members as they subconsciously feel it gives them a free pass since your family. Get some bloods done, check your BMI and BP. If its all within range then youre good. They can f off.
  • LabRat529
    LabRat529 Posts: 1,323 Member
    I agree with the advice given here... simply tell them that you are healthy and happy with who you are and ask them to never bring it up again. If they bring it up again, then it's basically emotional/mental abuse and you are completely justified in cutting them off no matter how close of a family member they are. You need to do what's right for you, and only you know what that is, but there are ways to 'disengage' and distance yourself from a hurtful family member.
  • crazybigchick
    crazybigchick Posts: 245
    Sounds like my mother. Some people just don't get when to back off. I am sorry you have to go through this. I agree with other posters just be firm. Tell them you are not going to discuss it with them again and that is that.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I'm sorry they are treating you this way. It's not right. Don't let them bring you down.
  • HellaCarriefornia
    HellaCarriefornia Posts: 102 Member
    I hate to say this because obviously you love your family, but this reeks of jealousy. Sometimes people close to you can't handle it when you make positive changes in your life. Like the cousin who used to be the thin, pretty one that got all the attention...until you got in shape and became "competition." I don't have a good answer on how to deal with it, other than to just believe in yourself and ignore them the best you can.
  • jus_in_bello
    jus_in_bello Posts: 326 Member
    Any chance they're projecting their issues onto you? Do they have a healthy realtionship with food/body image? I'd suggest asking why they think that you're too heavy, and ask how you should look then simply say "thank you, I'll take that into consideration and talk to my doc, now I'd rather not discuss this anymore..." and next time just don't allow the conversation to go that way, just change topics and don't even allow it to become a discussion, simply ignore it by talking about a book/movie/new knitting stitch you learned.
  • Radiskull
    Radiskull Posts: 70 Member
    Personally, I would just tell them to mind their own business. Whatever you do, don't let them discourage you. Sounds to me like you have already overcome more than many people ever will. Keep doing what makes you happy and tell everyone else to piss off.
  • CrystalFlury
    CrystalFlury Posts: 400 Member
    I'm having a bit of trouble with a family member at the moment who I'm very close to, but who keeps insisting that I'm gaining weight and overweight. When I tell this person that I'm in the normal BMI range, they suggest that I need to check my BMI for my bone structure because I'm supposed to be smaller, so I do that and I'm STILL in the normal BMI range but they insist I still need to lose a lot of weight. They also keep claiming that I'm gaining a lot, even though over the last two years my weight has only fluctuated up and down by two kg (4.5lbs). I remind this person that I'm comfortable with being curvy, that I am healthy, that my waist size is well within a healthy range, that I'm getting exercise and that I'm eating healthy, but they just wont stop.

    It's bothering me because every time I go out with them feeling confident about myself, they make these comments and I automatically get self conscious. It's very hard not to take the opinion of a close family member to heart! I find myself having those weird visual distortions where I look in the mirror and see the obese girl I used to be staring back at me rather than this healthy person I've worked so hard to be.

    Any advice? Anyone dealing with the same kind of issues?

    Wow, that's messed up. I'm having the opposite problem. My best friend didn't see me during my transformation and insists I'm underweight even though I'm well within the healthy range and she thinks a 5,7'' person should be 140. What she's not taking into account is I have a small bone frame. 140 looks heavy on me, I'm currently 128 and I look healthy, normal and slender.

    Overall, either way it's a frustrating matter. What I did? I let her have her opinion and I have mine. I'm not going to gain (or lose) according to what others think. I'm staying the weight *I* want to stay. Having never been a healthy weight until now I realize how much happier and confident I am and I'm not letting anyone change that.
  • gramacanada
    gramacanada Posts: 557 Member
    Family Schmamily. This person is a BULLY! Don't discuss this with them. When they start just say I'm happy with myself and prefer not to discuss it. Never attempt to justify what you do, feel or think. It puts you in the defensive position and puts them in control. You can't defend against bullies or ignorance. It sounds like this person is out to get a rise out of you, and it's working. If all you do is smile and continue to say you are happy with yourself and prefer not to discuss it. Then walk away or change the subject. They will just look like a fool if they keep it up. This will only work if you never change your tone of voice. This person is a BULLY. Someone else needs to step up with you. Enlist someone's help. This person is a BULLY!
  • Lift_This_
    Lift_This_ Posts: 2,756 Member
    tell them to shove it up their *kitten* and flip them the bird.
  • BrownEyedGrrl
    BrownEyedGrrl Posts: 144 Member
    I hate to say this because obviously you love your family, but this reeks of jealousy. Sometime people close to you can't handle when you make positive changes in your life. Like the cousin who used to be the thin, pretty one that got all the attention...until you got in shape and became "competition."
    Yeah that definitely sounds like jealousy to me! You need to find a way to tell this person that what they are doing is unacceptable. Easier said then done I guess. Is there other family or friends that have heard this person repeatedly tell you that you're overweight? If you can't seem to get it across to this person that you are not overweight and do not appreciate the comments about your weight, maybe another family member or friend could? I dunno, just an idea. Whatever happens don't listen to this person. Sounds like they have some sort of issue with themselves.
  • kataleya1113
    kataleya1113 Posts: 8
    I'm so sorry that this is making you feel uncomfortable. Family should be supporting you not discriminating you. U should just tell the person that your in perfect shape and doesn't want to look like one of Bose anorexic models. Having a lil curves is awesome. Stay strong and keep smiling your a beautiful young lady. Keep up the good work
  • KeriW626
    KeriW626 Posts: 430
    I really do not know what to tell you. My MIL tries to give me her OLD and I do mean OLD cloths, it dosnt matter if I weigh 267 or 167, She complains how fat I am (she is no skinny minnie). I do realize I am CURRENTLY out of shape and over weight. But at 167, really? to talk to me as if I weigh 367. I have enough body image issues. I now refuse cloths. I tell her I have excess and now only wear clothing I have purchased in the store MY SELF. (nothing seems to work so fk her). I should say I am on my very last trip to her house, and I have been married over 20 yrs with no plans of that changing.
  • purpleblaze
    purpleblaze Posts: 90
    ive had the same problem my whole life except that im the opposite and im underweight....its no one elses business tell them to f off and mind there own :)
  • MsDandimite
    MsDandimite Posts: 52 Member
    Turn it back on them.
    Put on your best distressed look and tell them how worried you are about them since they keep bringing up the same subject every time even though every one else can clearly see how you have a perfectly healthy body and you've asked them to stop. Their obvious lost grasp of reality is worrying, clearly they have a form of body dysmorphia and also problems with their memory as they can't remember past conversations. Have they seen a therapist? And their doctor about the memory problems? Sudden changes in personality as saying such rude things to people about their appearance can also be a symptom of dementia.

    Then do that every time. :)
  • erinkeely4
    erinkeely4 Posts: 408 Member
    Wow, that is horrible. Is there any way you can not be around this person? Because this person is not a good person.
  • ellyinflight
    ellyinflight Posts: 24
    Thank you everyone for your advice, it's been really helpful :)

    Other people have noticed this family member always commenting on my weight. Some try to mediate by reminding them that I've done very well and lost a lot of weight, and others are very angry about it but don't say anything (probably for the best, anger wont solve any issues here!).

    This family member is a very important part of my life and supports me in so many other areas, they just have a particular problem with this area, and I honestly don't believe they are TRYING to put me down as much as trying to express concern that I might not be healthy, but either way it's just frustrating.

    I actually may try the approach of turning it around and saying "I'm a bit concerned that you constantly see me as needing to lose weight when myself, my doctor and everyone else knows that I'm healthy. Are you feeling insecure about your own weight? Is there anything I can do to help?". Maybe that will shock them into thinking about what they're doing.

    If not, I will have to resort to saying I don't want to discuss it with them and then changing the subject.

    Thank you again everyone for your wonderful advice :)
  • erinkeely4
    erinkeely4 Posts: 408 Member
    Sounds like a good plan! I hope it goes well!
  • SheRa1964
    SheRa1964 Posts: 155
    I really do not know what to tell you. My MIL tries to give me her OLD and I do mean OLD cloths, it dosnt matter if I weigh 267 or 167, She complains how fat I am (she is no skinny minnie). I do realize I am CURRENTLY out of shape and over weight. But at 167, really? to talk to me as if I weigh 367. I have enough body image issues. I now refuse cloths. I tell her I have excess and now only wear clothing I have purchased in the store MY SELF. (nothing seems to work so fk her). I should say I am on my very last trip to her house, and I have been married over 20 yrs with no plans of that changing.
    Take everything she gives you and drop it off immediately to goodwill. LOL
  • SheRa1964
    SheRa1964 Posts: 155
    Turn it back on them.
    Put on your best distressed look and tell them how worried you are about them since they keep bringing up the same subject every time even though every one else can clearly see how you have a perfectly healthy body and you've asked them to stop. Their obvious lost grasp of reality is worrying, clearly they have a form of body dysmorphia and also problems with their memory as they can't remember past conversations. Have they seen a therapist? And their doctor about the memory problems? Sudden changes in personality as saying such rude things to people about their appearance can also be a symptom of dementia.

    Then do that every time. :)
    [/quote

    Oh wow this is AWESOME advice!
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Weight isn't that important. What they might be trying to tell you, and expressing it poorly, is about activity and fitness. How active and fit are you?
  • Funsoaps
    Funsoaps Posts: 514 Member
    Tell them you will not discuss it anymore and if they are so worried, then they should go lose 5lbs themselves.
  • sunnygirl87
    sunnygirl87 Posts: 40 Member
    I remember when I had literally starved myself and weighed 105 at 5"6, my mom told me if I lost 5#, I'd be perfect! WTF? Then, after being obese, I was maybe down to about 145 and she said, 20 more lbs and I'd be perfect. That time, I was older, wiser and had gone through ten weeks of inpatient treatment for bulimia. My response was "I imagine that? 20#s and I'll be perfect? Not a care in thewworld?" The woman has body dysmorphia. They are screwed in the head. My answer now is, "You have no right nor any invitation to comment on my body." If that doesn't get through to that nut case family member, nothing will. You owe her no more than a "Good luck with all that!"
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    I'm having a bit of trouble with a family member at the moment who I'm very close to, but who keeps insisting that I'm gaining weight and overweight. When I tell this person that I'm in the normal BMI range, they suggest that I need to check my BMI for my bone structure because I'm supposed to be smaller, so I do that and I'm STILL in the normal BMI range but they insist I still need to lose a lot of weight. They also keep claiming that I'm gaining a lot, even though over the last two years my weight has only fluctuated up and down by two kg (4.5lbs). I remind this person that I'm comfortable with being curvy, that I am healthy, that my waist size is well within a healthy range, that I'm getting exercise and that I'm eating healthy, but they just wont stop.

    It's bothering me because every time I go out with them feeling confident about myself, they make these comments and I automatically get self conscious. It's very hard not to take the opinion of a close family member to heart! I find myself having those weird visual distortions where I look in the mirror and see the obese girl I used to be staring back at me rather than this healthy person I've worked so hard to be.

    Any advice? Anyone dealing with the same kind of issues?

    smile, and say 'ok' and ignore them.
  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
    Just ask them what to do. Every time they mention it, agree with them and ask them what you should do. They'll give up eventually.
  • kungfuflyer
    kungfuflyer Posts: 29 Member
    As long as you are happy with yourself don't sweat what they think. Tell them you are happy with where you are at and that you appreciate their concern but you are happy and that's all that matters to you.

Categories