How to deal with people who insist you're overweight?

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  • ellyinflight
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    Thank you everyone for your advice, it's been really helpful :)

    Other people have noticed this family member always commenting on my weight. Some try to mediate by reminding them that I've done very well and lost a lot of weight, and others are very angry about it but don't say anything (probably for the best, anger wont solve any issues here!).

    This family member is a very important part of my life and supports me in so many other areas, they just have a particular problem with this area, and I honestly don't believe they are TRYING to put me down as much as trying to express concern that I might not be healthy, but either way it's just frustrating.

    I actually may try the approach of turning it around and saying "I'm a bit concerned that you constantly see me as needing to lose weight when myself, my doctor and everyone else knows that I'm healthy. Are you feeling insecure about your own weight? Is there anything I can do to help?". Maybe that will shock them into thinking about what they're doing.

    If not, I will have to resort to saying I don't want to discuss it with them and then changing the subject.

    Thank you again everyone for your wonderful advice :)
  • erinkeely4
    erinkeely4 Posts: 408 Member
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    Sounds like a good plan! I hope it goes well!
  • SheRa1964
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    I really do not know what to tell you. My MIL tries to give me her OLD and I do mean OLD cloths, it dosnt matter if I weigh 267 or 167, She complains how fat I am (she is no skinny minnie). I do realize I am CURRENTLY out of shape and over weight. But at 167, really? to talk to me as if I weigh 367. I have enough body image issues. I now refuse cloths. I tell her I have excess and now only wear clothing I have purchased in the store MY SELF. (nothing seems to work so fk her). I should say I am on my very last trip to her house, and I have been married over 20 yrs with no plans of that changing.
    Take everything she gives you and drop it off immediately to goodwill. LOL
  • SheRa1964
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    Turn it back on them.
    Put on your best distressed look and tell them how worried you are about them since they keep bringing up the same subject every time even though every one else can clearly see how you have a perfectly healthy body and you've asked them to stop. Their obvious lost grasp of reality is worrying, clearly they have a form of body dysmorphia and also problems with their memory as they can't remember past conversations. Have they seen a therapist? And their doctor about the memory problems? Sudden changes in personality as saying such rude things to people about their appearance can also be a symptom of dementia.

    Then do that every time. :)
    [/quote

    Oh wow this is AWESOME advice!
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    Weight isn't that important. What they might be trying to tell you, and expressing it poorly, is about activity and fitness. How active and fit are you?
  • Funsoaps
    Funsoaps Posts: 514 Member
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    Tell them you will not discuss it anymore and if they are so worried, then they should go lose 5lbs themselves.
  • sunnygirl87
    sunnygirl87 Posts: 40 Member
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    I remember when I had literally starved myself and weighed 105 at 5"6, my mom told me if I lost 5#, I'd be perfect! WTF? Then, after being obese, I was maybe down to about 145 and she said, 20 more lbs and I'd be perfect. That time, I was older, wiser and had gone through ten weeks of inpatient treatment for bulimia. My response was "I imagine that? 20#s and I'll be perfect? Not a care in thewworld?" The woman has body dysmorphia. They are screwed in the head. My answer now is, "You have no right nor any invitation to comment on my body." If that doesn't get through to that nut case family member, nothing will. You owe her no more than a "Good luck with all that!"
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    I'm having a bit of trouble with a family member at the moment who I'm very close to, but who keeps insisting that I'm gaining weight and overweight. When I tell this person that I'm in the normal BMI range, they suggest that I need to check my BMI for my bone structure because I'm supposed to be smaller, so I do that and I'm STILL in the normal BMI range but they insist I still need to lose a lot of weight. They also keep claiming that I'm gaining a lot, even though over the last two years my weight has only fluctuated up and down by two kg (4.5lbs). I remind this person that I'm comfortable with being curvy, that I am healthy, that my waist size is well within a healthy range, that I'm getting exercise and that I'm eating healthy, but they just wont stop.

    It's bothering me because every time I go out with them feeling confident about myself, they make these comments and I automatically get self conscious. It's very hard not to take the opinion of a close family member to heart! I find myself having those weird visual distortions where I look in the mirror and see the obese girl I used to be staring back at me rather than this healthy person I've worked so hard to be.

    Any advice? Anyone dealing with the same kind of issues?

    smile, and say 'ok' and ignore them.
  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
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    Just ask them what to do. Every time they mention it, agree with them and ask them what you should do. They'll give up eventually.
  • kungfuflyer
    kungfuflyer Posts: 29 Member
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    As long as you are happy with yourself don't sweat what they think. Tell them you are happy with where you are at and that you appreciate their concern but you are happy and that's all that matters to you.
  • nixxy74
    nixxy74 Posts: 106
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    seriously had the same problem with friends and family .....i just left them standing there and moved away. dont let anyone tell you how to do, say or be anything. screw them and ask for their phd in being a complete ****head.they've earned it!
  • Tank_Girl
    Tank_Girl Posts: 372 Member
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    Smile, nod, agree, thank them... Then carry on doing whatever you are already doing. The next time they bring up the topic... Smile, nod agree, thank them... They will get bored
  • Toshiana123
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    Are you sure that this person isn't jealous of your shape...that's what it sounds like to me. Secretly, their probably wanting your curves. If you think your fine and where you need to be...your fine. Don't let anyone tear you down because that's what this person is doing. I mean, they have you self conscious now, which isn't good. People get depressed off of that type of stuff. So hold your head up and firmly tell them that you are healthy and walk away.
  • ash190489
    ash190489 Posts: 587 Member
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    I can just imagine how annoying this is... I have a similiar situation, but it's the opposite. When I was heavier I'd hear from my family (particularly my mother) how I need to lose some weight etc. and now that I've lost the weight all I hear is "OK. You can stop now, you look good now, don't go overboard... you're starting to look gaunt". I don't think I'll ever be considered "You're looking great, I can stop saying my opinion on you now". However, there have been times when I've had to say "I don't know why my weight and my body affects you so much! I am healthy and happy, time to leave me alone" and walk away.

    In your situation, if I were you I would do as the others are suggesting and be really firm "____ I do love you, but seriously I cannot be around you anymore if you continuously talk about my weight and put me down. I don't know if you realise it, but whenever you say those kinds of things you make me feel _____ and all I am going to say is for the last time, I am happy, I am healthy - end of story. If this comes up again, I will have to walk out on you. Do you understand what I am saying and asking of you?" If they don't or they continue to go on about it, plain and simply walk out. No one should ever make you feel terrible about yourself and make you feel inferior. What kind of love is that!? Especially when you ARE healthy and happy!
  • chroniclesofthinoholic
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    I have this same problem.... :(
    And today I'm panicking because i am going to that very same crowd... who called me "chubby" last month for being 120lbs at 5"4


    I'm a 114lbs now but i used to always be a 108-110lbs...so im still dreading the same comments <i dont find much changes in inches> sigh....


    I guess we should just be able to know where we are and not get hurt by the comments.... <easier said than done i know :(>
  • ellyinflight
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    Weight isn't that important. What they might be trying to tell you, and expressing it poorly, is about activity and fitness. How active and fit are you?

    I'm recovering from brain surgery and a few years of disability, so I'm not as active as I'd like to be. Nevertheless, I put time aside for 30DS several times a week, I enjoy practising yoga and I'm a belly dancer, so I can't be that bad! I'm not well toned, but like I said I'm not unhealthy :) This family member does know this quite well, in fact I invite them to join me with dancing and yoga regularly but they're yet to take me up on the offer.
    Are you sure that this person isn't jealous of your shape...

    Actually I think they might be now that you mention it. I have a really dramatic hourglass figure, big boobs, small waist, big bum. How big I am around my lower end is particularly what this family member points out to me the most, but they also say they're envious of my waist, so that might be something I should consider being sensitive to. Thank you for the advice :)
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    Next time they mention it just do this:

    jlaw-okay.gif
  • witchy_wife
    witchy_wife Posts: 792 Member
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    Some people have a sort of distorted view of themselves, or lack confidence. The easiest way for them to gain self-confidence is by being better than someone. If you were the "fat one" this family member compared themselves to, and now you are not, your success kicked a leg out from under them. They are now convincing themselves (and you) that you are still in some way inferior, which by default, makes them superior.

    You like how you look, and that is all that matters. This person is going to have to deal with their own demons, or find another "fat one" to hang out with. You can try having a heart to heart, and letting them know how they are making you feel, but I wouldn't bet on making a change. Those kinds of changes have to come from internal motives, usually.

    Exactly this. It's not very nice at all. Some people don't like it when others around them try and change their life for the better as it makes them look at themselves. If this person compared themselves to you previously and thought they were superier they are more than likely not liking the positive changes you made.

    It's hard but try not to let it get to you. Some people just can't stand other being happy and confortable in their own body xx
  • JenKillough
    JenKillough Posts: 474 Member
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    So you've had brain surgery and are now recovering and finally able to be fit? Sounds to me like this person is in some way threatened by this... and by your physique.

    I think, considering your recent surgery and the fact you are no longer disabled, that there may be some boundary issues going on here. Somehow, you are going to need to make it clear to this family member what you will and will not accept... namely, their crossing of your personal boundaries. Which they ARE in fact doing.

    You are now in control of your body and mind... that's a powerful thing. You are an adult and your weight and your physical fitness level is your business. Barring eating disorders, this is not something that is anyone else's business.

    Find a way to ignore this person... or make it clear that their comments about your weight will NOT be tolerated any longer.
  • blackcoffeeandcherrypie
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    There is nothing you can say that is going to explain it to her. If there was, your explanations would already have worked. So give up explaining firstly, it's annoying you and it doesn't work. Plus, it keeps you on the back foot, you are the one having to explain yourself, she is the one asking questions. You need to realise that the person asking the questions has the power, the person explaining is not going to get power by explaining. Never. What you need to do is become the one asking questions. This will put you in the position of power, and it will deflect attention away from you. So as soon as you see her, you tell her that my gosh she looks thin, has she been ill? Is it healthy to be so thin. You've heard it can affect fertility, is she concerned about that? Does she find herself getting cold more often? Very thin people sometimes get a fuzzy growth of hair on their body, has she noticed herself becoming hairier? Where is she on the BMI chart, is she in the normal range? Basically you act like a concerned Mum, fussing over her health but really, she is the one being questioned, she is the one who has to explain herself. Everytime she tries to bring up your weight you say, I'm so glad I'm a healthy weight now, but honey I am so concerned about you, are you sure you're eating properly? Do you have an iron deficiency? Have you been tested for an overactive thyroid? Etc. Very soon, she will stop bringing up the weight conversation! Good luck!