Weight Loss, Desire, and Your Partner

phynyxfyre · September 2012

When my DH and I first got together I weighed 180 or so. After a baby and lack of self control, I ballooned to 207. I am only 5 foot 3, so that was pretty unhealthy for me. DH has always been very loving and supportive. He has been good about supporting my exercising and diet change, doesn't complain about the healthier menu, and is generally agreeable. We have a few squabbles here and there, but nothing major. However, since I have been dropping the weight I have an increased sex drive. Now I know this happens because of hormonal changes, but this is starting to create issues for me because his was low to begin with. Now add four kids and a job with really long hours, and there begins to be a bit of frustration.

This may not be totally fair of me, but I feel like I am constantly pursuing and being turned down the majority of the time. I almost feel like I am throwing myself at him. We have tried planning dates, to no avail. He passes out utterly exhausted in the evenings from his very demanding job, so night times are a no go in general, and he gets up before the sun to go back to work. We are on a very strict budget so we can't really vacation or take a night out at a hotel.

Although I know it isn't that he is less attracted to me (because he compliments me all the time on how great I look and determined I am to be doing so well) I FEEL less desired. I don't really think this is his fault at all. However, conversations (even tactful ones) tend to end up with him on the defensive. I was wondering if anyone had been through anything similar and if so, what did you tell yourself to get through that phase? What worked for you? Am I just being too selfish?

I am not trying to change him, just my perspective. I am madly in love with and very attracted to my DH, and I am hoping that someone has been through this and has some helpful advice.

taylor5877 · September 2012

I think a lot of men can understand and emphasize with wanting it more their partner and the internal feelings it brings.

AustinMcKenna1030 · September 2012

I have absoultley been there. At the moment my sex drive is very low because of my own body image among other things but once I lose weight I will probably be right back where you are. There isn't really an answer that I know of. While in my head I know that it isn't an issue with me it's hard to get your feelings to agree wtih that. For the first few years with my husband my sex drive was a lot higher than his. It left me feeling unwanted and unattractive even though I KNEW in my head that wasn't the issue. It seems to be a hot button topic because men equate sex with their masculinity just like most women tend to relate more to the house, kids and so on. So the short of it is I feel you but I don't have an answer for you

You are welcome to friend me and talk about it when it bothers you though. Sometimes just having someone to vent to can make you feel better. My husband is also overworked and exhausted and we have four kids. I feel your pain!!

purpleblaze · September 2012

get on some sexy lingere (men love stockings!! ) get some toys to spice things up.. give him a relaxing massage

he wont be able to refuse you

good luck honey!

KaraJ22 · September 2012

My only advice is to try to make time for just you and your husband as part of your weekly schedule but with no expectations. Maybe after the kids go to bed you watch a show together over a glass of wine.Sometimes you need time together before you get together.

blushingmama · September 2012

I'm there right now, frustrated and grumpy.

His drive is low and mine is making me feel like a teenage boy! Cruel joke

I have no words of wisdom, but know you aren't alone. Not sure that's exactly comforting tho

country91 · September 2012

Tease him till he can't stand it any longer. Don't let him say no

katamus · September 2012

I've always had a higher sex drive than my man.

My advice? Have you met BOB?

I feel like I can't say a whole lot without getting myself into trouble here, but just keep focusing on working on yourself. Do YOU think you are attractive? When I feel "blah" and I'm doing the whole messy hair sweatpants thing.. I don't find myself attractive. And I certainly don't expect him to find me attractive at those times either. But when I'm feeling like the hottest *kitten* on the block, it radiates. How you perceive yourself has a huge effect on how you act and therefore how others perceive you.

If what I have to say is not helpful at all.. At least know you're not the only one.

phynyxfyre · September 2012

Thanks everyone! I am glad I am not alone here. Most of the time I feel attractive, especially when I have so much more energy and less tummy pooch. I am also feeling great about the housekeeping since I am able to tackle more and more of it at once. It is hard to keep up with all the kids at times, though. Lol. I am really blessed to have them and all this support.

small_ninja · September 2012

My OH has always had a lower sex drive than me too. He says that the best way to help is to try and seduce him/go to the effort to turn him on, and suggests one way of doing that is to "show myself off" in sexy lingerie

Another way could be suggestive talk, or any kind of run up to foreplay really.

Lacebopp · September 2012

If he's tired at night, how about waking him up in the morning a little early and surprising him with a little Morning Delight! It works wonders for my early to bed honey. And it will give a little spontaneity to your love life!

Shelgirl001 · September 2012

I have been super broke and wanting a night with my partner. Not a current problem, as my bf lives 700 miles away, but when he is here, I have my parents watch the kids a while so we can get alone time at home. Do you have good friends or relative who can watch the kids a while on a Saturday date night? I know it's not easy to find the time, but making the time should be a priority to the health of your marriage. I really realized this too late when my now ex and I didn't find time for one another, we kinda lost touch and grew apart. Even if it ends up being only 3 hours once or twice a month. Better than not at all. If you can get an hour a week even?

Corsetopia · September 2012

I'm an advocate of hot lingerie!

But, on a more serious note, maybe try to talk to him about it? Let him know how much you want him - no, you're not being selfish! It's not selfish to desire your Husband; I bet it makes him feel good. Sometimes people in general, not just men, don't know how they're making the other person feel until they're told.

phynyxfyre · September 2012

I have a collection of outfits and lingerie. I am just fitting back into them now. I think I am going to invest in some new items also. Especially when I am too small for my current ones, which shouldn't be long at all.

Oh, and wanted to say, the talk and the hangout time did the trick. Feeling like I can run a marathon right now!!!! Need to jam to "Indestructible". Pumped. Now, off to calm down so I can actually sleep, too!!!!

lisagazz · September 2012

I know exactly how you feel! I've been exactly where you are now. That's how I was feeling before I got pregnant and gained so much weight. Now that I'm heavier, the tables have turned because I have no desire because I feel like crap about myself. But it's slowly coming back, so I'm sure before long, I'll be back in that situation.

My husband and I would plan date nights. Even if it was just at home, watching a movie or something. Unfortuantely, it doesn't seem romantic or spontaneous, but you totally have to schedule these things like you would a doctor's appointment or something because life does get too busy. If you figure out a great solution though, please let me know!

Janelle173 · September 2012

I am right there with you...except my bf will actually tell me that he loves me, but I would be more attractive if I lost weight. I don't think he tries to come off as such a jerk...but it is insensitive...to him, he is just being honest. But, he has always had less of a sex drive than me, even when I was 120 lbs/in shape (I am now around 168...had a baby, gained lots of weight...oh and I am 5'1") So, when he says to me that if I lose weight that he would probably want sex more often, it hurts even more, because I know he is sort of blaming my weight on his low sex drive..even though it has always sort of been an issue. I am in my 20's, and he is in his 30s. That may have something to do with it...sometimes men in their 30s lose testosterone...and the side effects of the meds for it are out of this world ridiculous.

I am just going to focus on myself for a while...and not approach him about it anymore. I don't really need to be or feel disrespected with comments like the above. You know?

I think he is trying to be more sensitive lately...But, I am taking the pressure off of him by not approaching him anymore, and he hardly ever comes onto me. He NEVER has and most likely NEVER will have a higher sex drive...so...BOB it is for me.

It is comforting knowing I am not the only female with a higher sex drive than my partner...This had never happened to me before until this relationship. And I had always been not cocky, but pretty confident in myself...I mean, I was FIT...So, I know it was not me...but now that I am overweight, have stretch marks from my pregnancy, etc, I don't feel attractive, not confident in myself...so his inability to ever compliment me (again, another thing he has never really been big on...fit or not) and the lack of sex drive, his comments about my weight (no matter how supportive he has been during my weight loss journey), all sort of equate to this like HUGE thing in my mind that I end up focusing on way too much.

So, my advice is this: if it is an exhaustion thing for him, I would try some of what the other people suggested...Good ideas. If it is a low testosterone issue, you do you...you make yourself feel beautiful, amazing, great...pleasure yourself whenever you want/can...focus on being happy with you...be the best you that you can be...and know that it is not your fault that he has a low sex drive.

I think, and it is obvious now, per this thread, that this is more common than a lot of us ever realized....

((HUGS TO YOU, MY HIGH LIBIDO FRIEND))

phynyxfyre · September 2012

I am in my late 20's and he is in his early 30's. So maybe testosterone is an issue. Some of it is drive, some is stress, most is exhaustion. Lol. And while I understand that, it can be frustrating at times. One of the things I have done is a candid sit down. I started off saying that I know he is under pressure and tired and time constraints, etc, but that I need some attention. It doesn't always have to be intimate. Specifically: I want random kisses and compliments. At least four a day. Lol. That was measurable and easy enough for him, no guessing. Worked. Turns out that was really all that he needed.

Of course my libido is still like a wild teenager, but what's a girl to do? I don't have a BOB.

Windy32 · September 2012

Yep I have been in your shoes. It got to the point that I started accusing him of cheating on me. He was just way to tired. We sat down and discussed our feelings about the situation and managed to work things out. We decided to make more time for eachother. then he joined the military and after spending lots of time apart we are like to horney teenagers when we are together.

LadyIvysMom · September 2012

I've been in your shoes. We talked about it and I believe him that he's just tired and in poor health.

now my biggest worry is his health and not so much our sex life.

wannabeafitmum · September 2012

Yep hearing you there.
My husband and I have not had sex for 6 months.. yep 6 MONTHS..
He has no desire for it yet I am wanting it all the time...

Its driving me nuts as he had a very high drive when we first me but nup its all gone now...

Toys just dont cut it and yeah...

So no advice .. just hope you get it sorted soon.. but you are not alone in this.

Weight Loss, Desire, and Your Partner

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