"You Look Great!" Really???

germangirl2007
germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
in Motivation and Support
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I need to vent. I have gained about 25 pounds over the last few years. I am at the heaviest I have ever been, and while I realize that I am not obese, I am not comfortable in my own skin. I have gone up a few sizes and really am trying to be diligent about losing the weight.

A few times now, while out with friends, I have turned down food that was bad for me, only to have the person badger me about eating it, with the excuse of "you look great!" or "I can't tell you've gained weight." On one hand, I know that they are trying to make me feel better, but on the other hand, it pisses me off. Really? You can't tell that I have gained 25 pounds? Why don't you encourage me or give me the good old "you can do it!" instead of trying to throw me off track by totally negating my concerns? Am I alone in this? I would take honesty and encouragement over thinly veiled B.S. any day. :(

Having a rough week, and needed to get that out. If anyone else prefers straight advice, engouragement, direct feedback, and tough love, please add me. :)

Replies

  • Skeebee
    Skeebee Posts: 740 Member
    I see posts like these every day. What do you really expect from friends? Because, at one moment, you are pissed at them for being honest like "omg...I can't believe they told me I needed to lose weight". Then, they turn right back around and complain about them trying to be nice and tell them they look fine. I think you just need to worry about what YOU feel and not let it bother you. What does it matter what they say if, clearly from your OP, you seem to know you need to lose weight anyway. :smile:
  • Skeebee
    Skeebee Posts: 740 Member
    P.S. Being honest that you DO look wonderful. :-)
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    I get what you are saying, but the thing is, I am NOT pissed if people say that I need to lose weight. I would LOVE it if someone said, "hey, we should go to they gym together" or "let's go somewhere healthy for dinner." I am pretty straightforward, and am not really delicate in terms of getting my feelings hurt. I think what I am trying to say is that while I appreciate people's intent in trying to spare my feelings, I would really appreciate the honesty more. I like people that can be real with me.

    Also, thank you so much for your compliment. In full disclosure....those are my "aspirational" pictures....they are the "befores" when I was at my happy weight. :)
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,966 Member
    I understand it's frustrating. But your friends aren't going to say "yeah you're right. You probably shouldnt eat that because you're getting pretty fat." If it were my friend and I knew she was trying to lose weight and was on a diet, I would never push her to eat something she didn't want to eat, I don't understand why people do that... And I do have a friend who has cut random things out of her diet numerous times for various reasons (she was a vegetarian for a while, vegan, tried cutting out gluten, cut out all unnatural sugars, etc etc lots of different things). I know they are being nice saying you look good but why are they trying to push you to eat something? Maybe just tell your friend next time they do that that you don't like it and it makes it harder for you to stay on track and ask that they stop.
  • mlynnea03
    mlynnea03 Posts: 41 Member
    I see posts like these every day. What do you really expect from friends? Because, at one moment, you are pissed at them for being honest like "omg...I can't believe they told me I needed to lose weight". Then, they turn right back around and complain about them trying to be nice and tell them they look fine. I think you just need to worry about what YOU feel and not let it bother you. What does it matter what they say if, clearly from your OP, you seem to know you need to lose weight anyway. :smile:

    I agree
  • TexanThom
    TexanThom Posts: 778
    Maybe they thought you looked to skinny before? You might look a little more healthy now, at least to them.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,449 Member
    Maybe, just maybe they are being honest and think you look good. Maybe you are the only one who has this warped image of yourself. 25 lbs is pretty hard to detect on a healthy person in clothing. Unless you're 4'10".
  • bulbadoof
    bulbadoof Posts: 1,058 Member
    Weight is such a controversial thing culturally that even implying someone is fat is a huge social faux pas. I'm sure if you talked to them honestly about how important your goal is to you and how much you would like to be supported in your efforts, their tune would change, but until you make it clear to them that you won't be offended if they don't try to tell you that you look fine, they're just trying not to insult you.
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,639 Member
    If you think you're too heavy, then make food choices accordingly ..... and quietly ...... it doesn't pay to get involved in a discussion about it with family or friends ......

    Happy losing .....
  • katamus
    katamus Posts: 2,363 Member
    You need to lose weight.


    Better?

    I cried when I was told this. But I'm appreciative for that moment now. If YOU want to lose weight, ignore everyone else. Whether it's honesty or praise. Just ignore it and do what you have to do to be happy, both physically and emotionally.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,966 Member
    If you think you're too heavy, then make food choices accordingly ..... and quietly ...... it doesn't pay to get involved in a discussion about it with family or friends ......

    Happy losing .....

    I agree. I never tell anyone what I'm doing diet-wise or fitness-wise because I just don't want to discuss it with anybody and I don't want unsolicited advice. The only person who I ever talk about it with is my boyfriend.
  • jroselive2012
    jroselive2012 Posts: 129
    In the end, all that matters is you making the choices that are going to make you feel wonderful and healthy, and if that means turning down unhealthy food and getting crap from friends, so be it. I get that in the office from ladies who have a lot more weight to lose than I do. I will turn down donuts and they say "what? With how much you run? You don't have to worry!" The thing is, I have a really hard time eating just one, and I don't even want to get started and deal with feeling low energy after eating those. Your friends might not know how to deal with supporting someone who does need to get back into shape. Maybe they don't want you to feel bad, or maybe they're heavier and think you really do look fabulous. Other people don't view us the same as we do ourselves, and they sure as hell don't see the number on the scale that we see, or feel the tightness of our pants that we feel. Some just don't get it. But anyway, you are doing great!!!!! And keep it up. It's ok to make healthy choices, and your friends just might learn some things from you.
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    I understand it's frustrating. But your friends aren't going to say "yeah you're right. You probably shouldnt eat that because you're getting pretty fat." If it were my friend and I knew she was trying to lose weight and was on a diet, I would never push her to eat something she didn't want to eat, I don't understand why people do that... I know they are being nice saying you look good but why are they trying to push you to eat something? Maybe just tell your friend next time they do that that you don't like it and it makes it harder for you to stay on track and ask that they stop.


    I agree with this. And I don't think I am articulating myself well. For example, if I am out to dinner with friends, it will be a situation of me ordering a salad, them ordering a burger and fries, and then pestering me about why I didn't order a burger. I don't bring it up - they do. I think that is what bugs me. Just let me eat what I want to eat and don't bug me about it.
  • yourenotmine
    yourenotmine Posts: 645 Member
    Well, maybe you are one of those people who carries weight well, and you really DON'T look different to them, or not enough that they even thought of it? You get to see yourself naked and be critical, but a friend probably isn't checking you out. Also, there are all kinds of motivations behind what people say. Some you will never, ever know, and probably wouldn't want to. As an annoyance, I'd say this is a pretty benign one.

    However, I do understand that it's grating when people won't give up pushing food on you when you've said no. Next time maybe don't tell that person why, just say no thanks, I'm happy with what I have.
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    Weight is such a controversial thing culturally that even implying someone is fat is a huge social faux pas. I'm sure if you talked to them honestly about how important your goal is to you and how much you would like to be supported in your efforts, their tune would change, but until you make it clear to them that you won't be offended if they don't try to tell you that you look fine, they're just trying not to insult you.

    This is an excellent point. Thank you for this.
  • nkyjennifer
    nkyjennifer Posts: 135 Member
    Maybe a little adjustment in the words would help? If you turn down fatty/ unhealthy foods because you don't like how they make you feel, it's a little harder for people to comment on it. Don't make it about the calories and losing/ gaining weight. Make the conversation about feeling good because you're body is fueled with good foods. :-)

    ***note because I feel like a hypocrite lol- I really need to go stand in front of a mirror and say this to myself today! BAD eating all weekend and I feel like crap today!***
  • eviegreen
    eviegreen Posts: 123 Member
    Try not to think of them as negating their concerns -- perhaps they really ARE being honest with you. If these are people you see often, they may not have noticed your weight gain, especially if you're one of those people who carries your weight well. It's something that happens so gradually!

    My husband didn't even realize that I'd gained 50 pounds when we first got married. Nor did my friends. But I sure noticed when a friend of mine who I hadn't seen for a year practically did a double take when she saw the 50 pounds I packed on. She didn't say anything, but I saw that she noticed.

    So I lost that weight and again, because I carry my weight well, no one noticed when I slimmed down again. So try not to be offended when they say, "You look great!" They're probably telling you the truth. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to be healthier, of course. :)
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    In the end, all that matters is you making the choices that are going to make you feel wonderful and healthy, and if that means turning down unhealthy food and getting crap from friends, so be it. I get that in the office from ladies who have a lot more weight to lose than I do. I will turn down donuts and they say "what? With how much you run? You don't have to worry!" The thing is, I have a really hard time eating just one, and I don't even want to get started and deal with feeling low energy after eating those. Your friends might not know how to deal with supporting someone who does need to get back into shape. Maybe they don't want you to feel bad, or maybe they're heavier and think you really do look fabulous. Other people don't view us the same as we do ourselves, and they sure as hell don't see the number on the scale that we see, or feel the tightness of our pants that we feel. Some just don't get it. But anyway, you are doing great!!!!! And keep it up. It's ok to make healthy choices, and your friends just might learn some things from you.

    Thank you so much for this. I think you summed up pretty well how I feel. I know I don't have ton to lose, but I know how much of a struggle it is for me. I appreciate the compliments, and the good intentions behind them, but it is hard for me when people are pushing things on me that I know are bad for me, without knowing what a challenge it is for me to not cave. It's 25 lbs. today, but if I keep giving in, it might be 40-50 pounds down the road.
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    In the end, all that matters is you making the choices that are going to make you feel wonderful and healthy, and if that means turning down unhealthy food and getting crap from friends, so be it. I get that in the office from ladies who have a lot more weight to lose than I do. I will turn down donuts and they say "what? With how much you run? You don't have to worry!" The thing is, I have a really hard time eating just one, and I don't even want to get started and deal with feeling low energy after eating those. Your friends might not know how to deal with supporting someone who does need to get back into shape. Maybe they don't want you to feel bad, or maybe they're heavier and think you really do look fabulous. Other people don't view us the same as we do ourselves, and they sure as hell don't see the number on the scale that we see, or feel the tightness of our pants that we feel. Some just don't get it. But anyway, you are doing great!!!!! And keep it up. It's ok to make healthy choices, and your friends just might learn some things from you.

    Thank you so much for this. I think you summed up pretty well how I feel. I know I don't have ton to lose, but I know how much of a struggle it is for me. I appreciate the compliments, and the good intentions behind them, but it is hard for me when people are pushing things on me that I know are bad for me, without knowing what a challenge it is for me to not cave. It's 25 lbs. today, but if I keep giving in, it might be 40-50 pounds down the road.
  • yourenotmine
    yourenotmine Posts: 645 Member
    I also used to know a healthy, thin girl who would usually order healthy food or bring it to lunch at work, and she would just say "Just trying to keep it healthy!". You could try that, or say,"I'm trying work more veggies into my diet, and I thought this salad looked delicious. Want to try some?".
  • just4nessa
    just4nessa Posts: 459 Member
    I know exactly what you mean! I moved out of state and only see my friends back home every few months. Most of them stick with the 'you look great, you have not gained weight!' line. I just shrug it off though. I have one friend that I complained to about my weight and she responded with 'well, I wasn't going to bring it up but....' I had to laugh at that and value her friendship even more now.

    I agree with you about wanting to hear and being able to handle the truth but keep in mind that some people say those things because they honestly feel that you do look great (which you do) and they see you for you, not for how much you weigh.
  • sweetchildomine
    sweetchildomine Posts: 872 Member
    I'm sorry but some of the people that replied on here are totally rude...but ANYWAY, I understand COMPLETELY what you're saying!! You don't want them to go up to you and be like "Oh wow, you've gained so much weight!!" HOWEVER, if they know you're trying to lose weight, it's annoying that they try to push food on you or say "Oh, you can have one of these donuts! You already look great!!" My friends do that and I hate it with a passion. I feel like if you're my friend you should support my efforts not try to help me do worse! I actually wrote a post about this exact same thing not too long ago lol.You do look great but I think that a lot of people fail to realize that regardless of how everyone else sees you, it doesn't make you feel any better until YOU feel happy in your own skin.
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    Thank you all for the great advice....too many to quote. The grating part is when people keep pushing, especially since I was NEVER one to turn down a dessert or pretty much any form of junk food and it is SO hard for me to say no. My problem - not theirs! I set the precedent, and now I am changing the rules.:) I do understand that maybe people truthfully don't notice the weight. I think it is hard for me to accept that because it is SO noticeable to me. As I said, I figred this was ridiculous, but I appreciate the comments and advice. One of the main reasons I love MFP. You all are motivating, encouraging, and provide a smack upside the head when I need it. :)
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    People who care about us don't judge us or even "see" us the same way we see ourselves.

    A perfect example of this was my Dad. He had pitch black hair. Darker than mine. In my eyes, he always had black hair. One year, for Christmas, one of my brothers got him, as a joke, one of those baseball hats with the fake ponytail in the back. The tail was grey. I thought, "WTF? That doesn't match Dad's hair. Dad has black... oh, crap. It does match. When did Dad turn grey?!"

    I didn't notice my father going slowly grey, because I loved him and didn't look at him that way. Just like your friends don't notice if you put on a few pounds. Because they love you and aren't superficial, judgmental b-words.

    If you want to do something healthy with them, be the change you want to see. :smile:
  • germangirl2007
    germangirl2007 Posts: 31 Member
    People who care about us don't judge us or even "see" us the same way we see ourselves.

    A perfect example of this was my Dad. He had pitch black hair. Darker than mine. In my eyes, he always had black hair. One year, for Christmas, one of my brothers got him, as a joke, one of those baseball hats with the fake ponytail in the back. The tail was grey. I thought, "WTF? That doesn't match Dad's hair. Dad has black... oh, crap. It does match. When did Dad turn grey?!"

    I didn't notice my father going slowly grey, because I loved him and didn't look at him that way. Just like your friends don't notice if you put on a few pounds. Because they love you and aren't superficial, judgmental b-words.

    If you want to do something healthy with them, be the change you want to see. :smile:

    Love this.
  • 2Bgoddess
    2Bgoddess Posts: 1,096 Member
    I avoid the situation by not refusing the food because it is bad for me, i just pull the, "i'm just not in the mood for that right now. I am really craving the (insert your healthier choice item here).
  • likemeinvisible
    likemeinvisible Posts: 309
    25lbs can go unnoticeable, I had a friend who gained that amount and I didn't notice. Tell them the number, tell them you need to lose 25lbs. Friends can help if you let them.
  • txlissa62
    txlissa62 Posts: 128
    Years ago, I had a friend who lost 30 pounds. This was someone I saw at least every couple of weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that she had lost weight, and she was a bit upset with me about it.

    But honestly, I didn't notice it. I also didn't notice that she had put on 30 pounds. She is one of those women who carry their weight well, no matter what she weighs. She is also one of those women who always looks perfectly put together, even if it's just to take out the trash. She didn't wear clothes that looked too small or too big for her; they were always perfectly tailored.

    It's entirely possible that your friends didn't notice. And they're right - you do look great.

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