I used food as an Anti-Depressant

I began my weight loss journey on Aug 6. On August 2 I had a doctors apt and had my blood work done and found out that I am pre-diabetic, have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I have been treating Hypothyroidism for about 6 years now which means I have to work twice as hard to lose any weight. I guess I should have expected it at 284 pounds, but I was oblivious. After my apt, I took the weekend to have my pity party and then got to work. I am now down 14 pounds into my 130 pound goal. Big goal? Yes, but I'm going to break it up into smaller goals so it's not so overwhelming.

I have been all over the scale in my lifetime. I am 37 years old and in high school, I was 115 pounds and not active. I looked anorexic but saw a huge, fat person in the mirror. Weighed in at 211 when I was pg with my first child at 22, dropped to 150 shortly after by eating McDonalds and exercising like a crazy women. Burned out from exercising and ballooned up to around 200. Lost about 30 again when I got pg with child number 2 at age 27. In the following 10 years I would drop to 170, gain back up to 230, drop to 165 then finally top out at 284. Each time is the same. Major diet overhaul, exercise like crazy only to get burned out and gain it all back and then some. I have two dressers full of clothes of all different sizes. I have spent the last 3 years or so steady around 270-280. I'd lose 10, then get frustrated because my body won't do what I expect it to do and quit.

It was yesterday when I realized that I used food as an Anti Depressant. I had just got done working out and I was frustrated. Frustrated because I had enough energy that I felt like I could literally run 20 miles, but my body just would not cooperate. I did not try to run 20 miles, I walked 2 miles on my treadmill and was having cramps in my calves and quads from increasing my speed to match my energy level. I was so mad. Mad at what I had done to myself to get in this situation to begin with. Mad because I felt good, but my body didn't. I wanted donuts. Sweet, sugary donuts would make me feel better. I started to think of all the foods that I wanted to eat. I wanted a pop and a pizza and chocolate cake. Get me a package of Double Stuff Oreos and a Peanut Butter Twix after I eat a bag of Cheetos. But first, lets go out for lunch at our local Chinese Buffet and then hit Dairy Queen on the way home. That was my mindset.

That's when I realized that I did that all the time. I always planned meals and ate food based on what would make me feel better. I was feeling so bad about myself that it was almost all the time. Had a bad day at work? Stressed about money? Angry with my husband? Caught my reflection in a mirror or store window? Or tried to walk up a flight of stairs and was winded when I got to the top. I turned to my favorite foods to feel better. Food made me happy and I guarantee it wasn't a salad that I was eating.

Now you can look at my diary from yesterday and see that I behaved myself and didn't eat any of the crap that I wanted. It was the realization that I wanted it that stopped me. I'm not at a point yet where I can just make a low cal substitute to satisfy my cravings. I feel like I am an addict and one wrong move will send me over the edge back into those foods again. I have a lot of work to do and will have many battles along the way. It was a turning point for me. The first was my doctors apt and the pity party that followed. This was my second. I'm sure there will be many more along the way.