Pity Party over here...no carrots allowed
NeuroticVirgo
Posts: 3,671 Member
I just need to vent my frustration at myself. :explode: I did really good last year on MFP with my food and exercise, even completed a half marathon. It was all great! Then had some personal problems...and then another...and then another...and instead of handling them in a good way I fell back on old techniques...sleeping all day, staying up all night, avoiding people and using food to help make me feel comfortable when life was constantly making me feel like crap. :grumble:
I still don't know how to pull myself out of this rut. I'm currently seeing a counselor, mostly because I found a loop in my insurance that lets me have 8 free meetings...
But today I had to admit to myself that I've gained so much weight I no longer have any clothes that fit except PJ's or stretchy pants...I actually wore 2 dresses as a shirt because they were big and didn't "touch me"...only tying off the bottom to make them shorter...but yet long enough to cover the fact that my pants don't button. :frown:
I started out in 2010 at 270+ lbs (I don't really know what I started at) & size 24/26.... Worked my butt off (literally) to 209 lbs & a size 16! .... Only to gain almost all of it back in 9 months & back in a size 20/22!... :noway: .... so annoyed with myself I can hardly stand it. But instead of being geared to get back on track I'm constantly beating myself up about it, and I can't stop. Its like being in an abusive relationship with myself that I can't get out of...and I keep "accidently" falling into door knobs.... :brokenheart:
I still don't know how to pull myself out of this rut. I'm currently seeing a counselor, mostly because I found a loop in my insurance that lets me have 8 free meetings...
But today I had to admit to myself that I've gained so much weight I no longer have any clothes that fit except PJ's or stretchy pants...I actually wore 2 dresses as a shirt because they were big and didn't "touch me"...only tying off the bottom to make them shorter...but yet long enough to cover the fact that my pants don't button. :frown:
I started out in 2010 at 270+ lbs (I don't really know what I started at) & size 24/26.... Worked my butt off (literally) to 209 lbs & a size 16! .... Only to gain almost all of it back in 9 months & back in a size 20/22!... :noway: .... so annoyed with myself I can hardly stand it. But instead of being geared to get back on track I'm constantly beating myself up about it, and I can't stop. Its like being in an abusive relationship with myself that I can't get out of...and I keep "accidently" falling into door knobs.... :brokenheart:
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Replies
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Just take one day (or one hour, or one minute) at a time. I have learned that you can't change anything in the past, but you can change you you react to it today :-)
Don't beat yourself up, it won't do any good anyway.....Remember that you are important, just as you are and than you deserve to be the absolute best that you can be!0 -
But instead of being geared to get back on track I'm constantly beating myself up about it, and I can't stop. Its like being in an abusive relationship with myself that I can't get out of...and I keep "accidently" falling into door knobs.... :brokenheart:
:flowerforyou: first thing... STOP STOP STOP STOP beating yourself up!!!! :flowerforyou:
I can not say this enough... there are enough people out there who will gladly do it for you!!!!!
I understand exactly where you are coming from... I was 280 my junior year in hs... down to 150 by graduation (95) ... then mostly up up up up (with no real losing because I wasn't interested in it) and three babies... and and and and (insert long list of grievous excuses and life experiences) all the way to 340... I decided to do something about it in 2004... slowly (by 2006) got down to 260... then (you got it) long list of crap... and back to 305... decided in 2011 to do something again... I mean I was still lower than my biggest... but 305 was hell!! been working since 2011... spent a couple months on purpose maintaining... and losing the smart way and having the time of my life... it's now working it's way into lifestyle change because of evaluating my attitude towards food and myself
so you failed... but that does not make you a failure...
so you gained it back
ok... admit it own it belong to it then kick it to the curb...
I am not going to go into "how do you loose weight" cause you got that...
how do you overcome your addiction to food?? kinda cliche... you just do... I don't know how to tell YOU how to do it... because you are not me and I can not tell why you are addicted to it...
how am I doing it?? I ask myself WHY... a lot... every time I go to put something in my mouth I ask why... at first I didn't do anything other than evaluate why I was eating what I was eating... 90% of the time the answer wasn't "because I am hungry"... after a while I started to pick one excuse at a time and say NO to that excuse... it wasn't enough for me to just count calories and say no more after this many calories... I HAVE A FOOD ADDICTION... I have to examine why I eat... calories can't be the only indication of why to eat... I pray a lot too...
feel free to add me as a friend...
you got this...0 -
We share such a similar story! I understand what it feels like to wake up one day and have the honest conversation with yourself, that hey, you may have let things get out of control.
What I have learned, is the minute you realize that there are things in your life you can control, and there are things that you can not, and when you find out what the difference between the two are, you really can take charge.
Often we spend a lot of time stressing and falling into trouble times with the things that we dont really have control over. The one and only thing you can control is yourself. and as simple as it sounds, its the most empowering and unbelievable concept to really take hold of!
When you are ready you can get on a track that is a lifestyle change, instead of an attempt to "fix" a problem.
Wishing you all the best, and know that you dont have to be superman to overcome this, superman is not even brave, he's indestructble. Some one who brakes, and wakes to greet the morning and try again, now thats BRAVE!
Good luck, Braveheart0 -
But instead of being geared to get back on track I'm constantly beating myself up about it, and I can't stop. Its like being in an abusive relationship with myself that I can't get out of...and I keep "accidently" falling into door knobs.... :brokenheart:
:flowerforyou: first thing... STOP STOP STOP STOP beating yourself up!!!! :flowerforyou:
I can not say this enough... there are enough people out there who will gladly do it for you!!!!!
I understand exactly where you are coming from... I was 280 my junior year in hs... down to 150 by graduation (95) ... then mostly up up up up (with no real losing because I wasn't interested in it) and three babies... and and and and (insert long list of grievous excuses and life experiences) all the way to 340... I decided to do something about it in 2004... slowly (by 2006) got down to 260... then (you got it) long list of crap... and back to 305... decided in 2011 to do something again... I mean I was still lower than my biggest... but 305 was hell!! been working since 2011... spent a couple months on purpose maintaining... and losing the smart way and having the time of my life... it's now working it's way into lifestyle change because of evaluating my attitude towards food and myself
so you failed... but that does not make you a failure...
so you gained it back
ok... admit it own it belong to it then kick it to the curb...
I am not going to go into "how do you loose weight" cause you got that...
how do you overcome your addiction to food?? kinda cliche... you just do... I don't know how to tell YOU how to do it... because you are not me and I can not tell why you are addicted to it...
how am I doing it?? I ask myself WHY... a lot... every time I go to put something in my mouth I ask why... at first I didn't do anything other than evaluate why I was eating what I was eating... 90% of the time the answer wasn't "because I am hungry"... after a while I started to pick one excuse at a time and say NO to that excuse... it wasn't enough for me to just count calories and say no more after this many calories... I HAVE A FOOD ADDICTION... I have to examine why I eat... calories can't be the only indication of why to eat... I pray a lot too...
feel free to add me as a friend...
you got this...
^^^THIS all the way. I went from 300 to 221 to 269 to 207. I'm going to win the war but I fail in the battles in between sometimes... and sometimes for months at a time. I have a food addiction and you can't quit cold turkey without having an eating disorder.
Add me if you like.0 -
Thank you everyone for the kind words. How did you stop beating yourself up? I mean people tell me "just stop" .... but it sneaks up on me, I can be doing something unrelated and my brain just starts hating on myself for no reason.0
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Hey! You're post was amazing ~ and I TOTALLY see myself in you! In fact this IS my story. I have gained and lost "significant" weight (50-80 lbs) about 6 times in my LIFE! I did have two children in that time which accounted for some of the gains....but most of it was poor choices and like you, cutting myself off from the outside world when i didn't feel attractive or good enough about myself to be a part of it. I like that you do have a sense of humour about it too....as do I. I just can't BELIEVE I have also sabotaged my self so.many.times.... You are not alone and all we can do is dust ourselves off and try again. Best of luck to ALL of us finding our way to healthy bodies once again. you RoCK!!0
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P.S. I LOVE your ticker!! OMG I laughed for about 5 minutes straight when I saw it!!!!!0
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:sad: Oh I so understand how you feel.
I'm 33 years old. Here are some weights I have been, and maintained, at various points in my life:
High school: 175 pounds size 12
College (through age 20): 198 pounds size 14-16
Age 20-22: 155 pounds, size 8-10
Age 22-25: 135 pounds, size 4
Age 25: 200 pounds
Age 26: 210 pounds
Age 28: 195 pounds
Age 30: 217 pounds. And that, I maintained (almost exactly to the pound every time I weighed myself) for 3 years until I started on MFP.
It's pretty easy to remember the approximate age I was based solely on certain personally stressful events in my life. Eating (or, at one time, NOT eating) is how I dealt with these things.
I don't have any big earth-shattering words of wisdom to share. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over. I try to think of my previous attempts, successful or not, as practice runs :bigsmile: and ONE of these days, I'm going to win!0 -
I worked hard to get down to where I was, and then I let myself go just like you did. I gained back 23 lbs and then I realized...I was miserable! I was so much happier when I was heating healthy, exercising, and actually cared about myself. It was then that I decided that I was going to get back on the wagon.
Since then, I lost that 23 lbs again, and lost extra now. I know you can do it too, you have to stop beating yourself up, and I know it's hard. I still beat myself up sometimes, but then I stop myself and realize: I have succeeded! I have lost weight, and even though I gained some of it back, I was going to get back up and do it all over again and go all the way this time.
You have lost more weight than thousands of other people have, you have made the decision to better yourself, and while you may have had setbacks, getting back up is what really matters. If you did it once, you can do it again. All I can say is, we are around the same weights, and seeing you at 209 inspires me to keep going. I really want you to get out of this funk and move on to a happier and healthier life again. Trust me, when you lose the weight and get to to 208 you will feel like nothing can stop you anymore!0 -
Girl, I swear that we are twins! I'm right there with ya. Gained a bunch, but my son poured water into my scale so my husband had to throw it away. I don't know how much I've gained, but I know for a fact that my clothes aren't fitting again. It sucks. I find reasons (excuses) why it's ok to eat badly... "There's too much going on right now to diet" or "We can't afford good food". We need to find a way to get back to the positive-ness we used to have. Start saying the things we used to. Let me know if you need a buddy in this whole situation. Even though we're already friends, we can buddy up and do this damn thing!
Do you have Facebook?0 -
I totally get it as well!! I had lost over 75 pounds and now gained over 100 and am at the heaviest I've ever been. It happens..... sometimes we are thrown curve balls in life and deal with it our own way. I, also, own a great dress and now wear it as a top...so I understand it all the way!
Now we it's time to live in the present and moe on. Accept your body and love it, thats the first thing that is important. Then slowly stop the cycle and work on reversing it. Thats what I'm doing right now. Perhaps I have only lost 4 pounds but I have gained the knowledge of stopping my over eating and getting back on track and that feels great! Feel free to add me, we'll do this together!!!!0 -
I feel your pain. I went from 330 to 260, to 370!!! I spent so much time focusing on where I USED to be, and how much I work I had to do just to get back to where I left off. That lead to a year of losing and gaining the same 10 lbs. Start fresh, focus on today. Its a brand new journey, not about where you were but where you are going to go.0
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I take the phrase forgive and forget and change it to forgive but don't forget. Forgive yourself, but don't forget - keep the lesson.
As Scarlet O'Hara said "tomorrow is another day".
Live in the present and know where you want to go. If you fall pick yourself back up and go forward again. Set short term SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely) and have more than one, because if you slip on one you will still probably be making progress on the others and won't feel as bad.
If you wallow in self-hate and regret then things continue to get black and you find yourself spiralling down into depression.
And seek out supportive friends (not just online but "real life").
Good luck - if you get a change watch "what about Bob?" and see how Bill Murray learns how to go forward with "baby steps".0 -
I think the NUMBER ONE thing you should do is get up in the morning.
No matter what happens, be awake by 9 am. Otherwise the days and nights drift into each other, & your isolation is guaranteed. And you`ll have already cancelled out all the constructive things you could do to help yourself before your day even starts.
Make yourself a deadline - no internet after a certain time. Advance it by an hour, so if right now you're sleeping at 3am, cutoff is 2. At the same time, wake up an hour earlier. Move time over by an hour every couple of days, until you're getting up at 9 regularly.
As SOON as you get up, get some light in your face. Sunlight's best. There are alarm clocks that simulate dawn (not a shill, but Phillips is a good brand). Put a couple of alarm clocks around the room. (I have 3.)
Decide what your priorities are. List them. Friendships, work, activities you love, family, health. Break those down further, and think about things you can do to improve them.
Every day, do one thing that brings you closer to one of the things you care about.
Every day, leave the house at least once.0 -
Thank you everyone for the kind words. How did you stop beating yourself up? I mean people tell me "just stop" .... but it sneaks up on me, I can be doing something unrelated and my brain just starts hating on myself for no reason.
You can write them down, which has a way of making them evaporate.
Other than that, increasing your activity and participation in your own life - meaning your movement towards the things you care about - will help.
Pick small, realistic goals to start. Things you can win at. I`m sure your counsellor will be able to help you work that out.
And things that just make you feel good, which might have nothing to do with goals. (Good in terms of mood, I mean. Being with people, seeking out nature/walks, getting into hobbies, seeing a movie, that kind of thing.
You`ve done a bloody half, and you`ve done this before. You have it in you!
Take care
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You know Im right there with you.. Lost nearly 60lb only to gain almost 40 back. I started back again after just feeling like crap this weekend. Everything aches when I get up in the morning, I just feel blah! So now Im back on it. I had many bouts of insomnia for years and all I can suggest is to go to bed at a decent hour at night and make yourself get up in the morning. Now, its easier for me because I HAVE to get up to get my kids up for school and that makes me tired enough to go to sleep by midnight. Hugs you know I support you 100000% and am with you all the way!0
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STOP - now!! We don't do Pity Parties, we support each other and get each other through the bad times.
Yes you will start afresh and you will succeed. Don't think about what you lost and what you re-gained. Tomorrow is the start of the new you. Not the person on a diet, but the person with the new healthy lifestyle, the person who does not care how long it takes to get there, the person who is beautiful inside.......YOU.
Good luck on your journey :flowerforyou:
Linda0
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