Your ideal vs your SO's ideal

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ang3h
ang3h Posts: 185 Member
in Motivation and Support
I look worlds different today than I did when I first met my husband. We've been together for 9 years and I was chubby when we first met, and my weight has fluctuated up and down over the years while he's pretty much stayed the same. It seems the heavier I've been, the more he's complimented me and overall paid attention to me. I have never been fit or toned until this year since I started working out and focusing on strength training.

I've never been happy with my body but lately I feel really good when I look in the mirror and see muscles instead of flab. Of course I would love for my husband to share in this joy with me and affirm that I look good, but it takes a lot of prodding now to get noticed. I feel so much more attractive nowadays but paradoxically I feel unsexy and unfeminine because it seems my husband doesn't like this change.. and that really upsets me.

I've talked to him about it, he assures me he still finds me attractive, but there is definitely a change in his behavior towards me. I feel like I could walk around naked (hell, I do often) and he wouldn't (and doesn't) bat an eye but if I put 5, 10, even 20 lbs back on then he'd be all over me.

I can't be the only person out there who is having this problem.. where you have an idea of what you want to look like, and are working to achieve it or have already achieved it, while it seems your SO would prefer you look the way you used to even though you were unhappier and far less confident.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good man and we have a great relationship and really no other problems beside this.. I feel like is a growing crack in the foundation though, so to speak :/

Anyway I guess this is mostly a rant rather than a question but I'd like to hear others' opinions and experiences with this..
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Replies

  • JLand918
    JLand918 Posts: 156
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    I just wish my SO would want to lose the weight and not just say it but do it. I find that after getting married she fell into that pool of oh I am married now so I can be fat and he is stuck with me etc. My opinion in your case if I was your husband you would have more trouble keeping me off you now then if you gained the 10-20lbs back etc.
  • ang3h
    ang3h Posts: 185 Member
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    I keep waiting for that to happen--that is, for him to "wake up" and be all over me. I feel like the leaner I get the better I look and it's sort of a slap in the face to feel like I'm the only one that feels that way. I think he should be glad I'm not letting myself go since we've been together for so long.. hell I felt like I had let myself go when I got up to almost 150 lbs but he found me way more attractive then, apparently.

    Sometimes I wonder if it's my vanity and insecurity that are getting to him but I've always been that way.. just now I have more positive than negative things to say about myself.
  • HeatherSLosinIt
    HeatherSLosinIt Posts: 79 Member
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    Your SO might feel a bit unsure. Maybe he thinks you look TOO good for him, and is worried.

    My SO doesn't exactly have an "ideal" for me. He's always said I was beautiful, whether I was 130 lbs or 221 (current), and I believe his sincerity. I am doing this for me...ok a little bit for him, mainly because we have a tiny shower and I want to be able to fit in it with him again hahahaha
  • Rawr1978
    Rawr1978 Posts: 245 Member
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    maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.
  • JenKillough
    JenKillough Posts: 474 Member
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    My husband's old ideal was probably a 6' tall volleyball player physique. He used to play volleyball. I'm 5'7" (and he assures me there are volleyball players that "short" on teams) and 120lbs, so I'm pretty thin. I just need maybe 3-6 inches added on to my legs! Lol. He likes thin & muscular... lean physiques.

    My ideal? I guess what I think most men want and what I'd have called ideal: 36C-24-36 5'10" 120-135lbs. Long hair.

    ETA: He walked in here when he heard me typing... he said: Don't you tell them that! YOU are my ideal :)) Awww... how sweet.
  • JenKillough
    JenKillough Posts: 474 Member
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    Your SO might feel a bit unsure. Maybe he thinks you look TOO good for him, and is worried.

    This could be true. And he could be trying to adjust to the new you. Get healthy for you though... not for anyone else, even your SO.
  • DoomCakes
    DoomCakes Posts: 806 Member
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    He just could be one of those guys that are attracted to chubby girls, or girls with a little soft touch, not muscle. There's quite a few of them out there like that. Maybe you need to talk to him to make sure you know what his attractions are and what he thinks if it means that much to you.

    My boyfriend likes chubby, he is supportive of weight loss, but he does not want to see me get carried away, gain a lot of muscle etc. He just wants to see me healthier and more active and not complain about my body. But if I were to start weight training and getting oober toned, he'd probably be less attracted to me physically because he doesn't like the feel of it with cuddling or in bed.
  • TheFunBun
    TheFunBun Posts: 793 Member
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    I just wish my SO would want to lose the weight and not just say it but do it. I find that after getting married she fell into that pool of oh I am married now so I can be fat and he is stuck with me etc.

    Yes. In fact that's why I couldn't wait to get married- I could finally get fat like I had always wanted. My husband isn't too happy but whatever, nothing he can do about it now! *Evil cackle, belly shake*

    Anyways. My husband likes them in various states of thick and gooey... but he thinks my more muscular body is nice, last time I had it. He prefers fat over muscle, but his ultimate preference is a happy woman.

    I wonder about the insecurity thing in your case, OP. I bet that's what it is. Lots of men get that way about change.
  • meer__kat
    meer__kat Posts: 16 Member
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    Another thought: Maybe when you're less in shape, you feel more self-conscious about your body, which he can sense.So he gives you more compliments to make you feel more at ease (and to encourage you to keep walking around naked hahah!) That's definitely the case with my SO, anyway.

    But honestly, at least he isn't unsupportive or negative about your fitter body, bc I feel like a lot of women on here complain about that!

    I just wish that my SO understood what it takes to stay in shape - he's always pushing eating out and unhealthy foods, and I always have to be like listen - you like the way I look right now and it takes WORK to get there! He wants the girl who used to eat the other half of his pizza AND the girl who looks like I do now - not gonna happen!!
  • Josie_lifting_cats
    Josie_lifting_cats Posts: 949 Member
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    Weight loss isn't always a guarantee that attraction will be there, or that the sex drive will. I'm now far more insecure than I was when I weighed 50, 60+ pounds more. I also have a better idea of what my husband's ideal is - which is totally not my ideal for myself.

    I could go on and on, but it really comes down to this - you should do what you want to do, and be who you want to be, because you have to live in your skin.... no one else does. It does no good to strive to be something that you don't want to be - you'll just drain yourself. Do it for you, and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

    Good luck!
  • meer__kat
    meer__kat Posts: 16 Member
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    He walked in here when he heard me typing... he said: Don't you tell them that! YOU are my ideal :)) Awww... how sweet.

    That's soo sweet haha!
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
    Only think about him and love him
    Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
    Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
    Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
    Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
    Be pleased with him.
    Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.
  • tacticalhippie
    tacticalhippie Posts: 596 Member
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    my husband is really insecure.
    so it's caused a lot of fights.
    he also suggests pasta and pizza nights and gets mad when i want to eat healthy.

    he weights 375... again.
    not my ideal...
    i liked him better at 260.
    since he's been hurt, he's packed on the weight.

    he said he wants me to gain weight.
    i would be happy at this weight if i could loose the rest of the belly and thigh jiggle :/
  • ang3h
    ang3h Posts: 185 Member
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    maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.

    I'm not even close to being ripped. I've got plenty of softness still.
  • ang3h
    ang3h Posts: 185 Member
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    For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
    Only think about him and love him
    Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
    Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
    Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
    Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
    Be pleased with him.
    Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.

    I've been wondering if that might be it. I hope it is rather than just a lack of attraction.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
    Options
    For the next week, stop thinking about yourself.
    Only think about him and love him
    Somehow, I think you are missing something or misinterpreting something.
    Instead of complaining within yourself about him, focus on being loving and kind.
    Not expecting something in return, only just to draw close to him.
    Tell him you love him, and don't have an attitude of discontent.
    Be pleased with him.
    Perhaps this will spark some intimacy in your communication.

    I've been wondering if that might be it. I hope it is rather than just a lack of attraction.
    Yes, I would guess NOT a lack of attraction.
    So relax. You will find out.
    Don't fall into the trap of having conflict between the two of you.
    Just pass up any opportunity to have conflict.
    Give soft answers, and probably you will get communication, and then you can find out the mystery!
  • eddysuchydvm
    eddysuchydvm Posts: 110 Member
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    My husband has definitely told me he would NOT want me to get muscular or too thin. He likes "soft". From what I've seen of pics of ex-GFs, he definitely prefers a softer, rounder figure.

    But he's also been honest and has told me he worries if I lose a lot of weight and get skinny, I'll attract too much attention from other men. My response: trust me, even at this weight I could attract men if I wanted the attraction. Damn, I was pissed! But he was being brutally honest.

    I'm not doing this for him, but for me. I just don't feel sexy at my weight. He can love me and grab my big butt as much as her wants, lol, I still plan to lose it!
  • buckeye86
    buckeye86 Posts: 128 Member
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    maybe he's a guy who just likes a bit more softness...mine wouldn't be into me if I was ripped.

    Mine told me he loved my body when we met (155) and now, about 25 lbs less. He has expressed concern about me losing too much or gaining muscle because he said he doesn't want to date a man (aka, muscle definition), while I would be in heaven if I looked like Jamie Eason.
  • Rinkermann
    Rinkermann Posts: 108 Member
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    well, i guess he wants a chubby girl. thats how you looked in the beginning and thats what he fell in love with. this will probably take some adjusting for him.
  • OliveCarsey
    OliveCarsey Posts: 78
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    My husband has told me he doesn't want me to lose weight because he is afraid i will leave him (he is CRAZY i love the man). Maybe it is a combintaion of his insecurities and him feeling like you are spending too much time losing weight and not enough time with him? Like someone else has said- spend a week or so giving him all sorts of attention, make his fav foods, go do things he likes, buy something sexy for his eyes only, etc. Good Luck

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